Sano Morphing

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About Sano Morphing

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  • Birthday 02/13/1996

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    Jordan
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    Male

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  1. Hello Leo, I don't know how hard is it for you to make this happen but could you make a new Life Purpose forum only accessible by those who purchased the course to discuss anything without being afraid that they might violate you by sharing some content of the life purpose course, also why not making a Life Purpose community forum where we can share advice, stories and whatnot about the whole process of pursuing a life purpose? It will feel less lonely knowing that the ones you're talking to are on the same road as you are.
  2. Stuff isn't working out in the environment I live in + with this mentality, I know I said I might consider a month break but the smallest things are getting me really upset for the entire day, I'm trying but I don't know anything better than giving up and it's getting me more depressed as time is passing by. It's also super hard to take a break these days when my university's semester started a week ago and obviously I need to go into try-hard mode that I can't even convince myself to go into and I can see myself intentionally and consciously wanting to fail in this semester as if I'm addicted to suffering and failure, I hate this, and for some reason suicide is presenting itself to me as the relief to this war in my mind, in fact death has always been the ideal thing that could happen to me. Letting go has also been a thing that I really need to embody, there are some things and people that are connected to certain emotions and they influence certain feelings and actions. I'm also having an identity crisis mixed with the need to have a purpose feeling, been happening since I started taking the break, the lack of purpose problem has been a thing since I was a kid. My mind has always been everywhere when it comes to seeking knowledge, I really want to build a high-quality skill in a certain domain but nope.
  3. Is there an alternative to that? I can't find any in my country (Jordan), I don't know if I could be determined to an online zen sangha. By the way, my environment right now is much more empty and I think overtime I may find serenity, I'm not gonna do this for a week because it will probably become a task just like taking a break or a walk to relax, so I'll let things flow and let it take whatever it takes, I'm in a safe spot in terms of survival (parents house) for a couple of more years, so I can chill, I don't think I'll get lazy though, not in this current state of mind. @Waifu Yandere Thank you for the detailed response, I think one of the issues is that I have so much theory that anybody can do so much with but I'm unable to use it in the practical life and yes I keep saying "YES THIS IS THE THING I WANNA DO FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE" but then it dies out in quarter a year or so, I really need to chill to find my way out of this Nice name by the way! @K VIL Here's a joke I say to myself: "I'm addicted to killing my addictions." looks like that's my worst addiction, being a perfect human but who knows? I'm probably deceiving myself right now, maybe I'm just showing the "Yes I understand" mask. @Gabriel Antonio This and other's criticism in this post is what I need to be reminded with whenever I fall off track like this, this kind of criticism is almost impossible to be received from friends and family here. I really wish I could afford leaving my country to try any psychedelics, stuff like this and more is very restricted here and if I knew I'd go through all of this, I'd invest my will power in the past just to get out of here.
  4. @ajasatya I'm sorry if I'm being annoying. What's the difference between what you're talking about and seeking enlightenment? Not that I don't want it but that's what I see, or is there a sweet spot that I don't know about?
  5. @Waifu Yandere Bro/Sis, I'm aware of this but it's not like I didn't try a lot already, if I didn't do anything I'm aware of possible, I wouldn't post this and say that I'm lost.
  6. @ajasatya Holy shit that was scary :') What do you mean stop completely? Go for a 1 week vacation somewhere? I turn off my laptop and have a walk outside, like what do you mean stop? And yes I'm easily influenced, I've never really tasted who I am, it's all false sense of "True Happiness".
  7. Welcome to this post about a very self-conscious and self-judgmental person I wouldn't really post this if I didn't feel like my life is dysfunctional and it's very difficult for me to find a way by my own. I'm almost 22 years old and the biggest brother to five siblings, I live in Jordan, been watching actualized videos for more than a year, changed many beliefs, did tons of research just for the sake of knowing more and I read a bunch of books but taking what I learned to the practical side of life has been pretty difficult especially when I have this huge amount of emotions which in most cases can't be controlled and play a role in my decision making, example: I create a tasks list for the day and do whatever is needed to improve but in some days I just snap out and completely destroy all of this claiming that I want to be free from it or "I need a break" even though I do reward myself and take breaks and such, I really resist quitting so hard but I lose it, maybe I just can't stand routine but that's not just in this aspect of my life, it's in many aspects like: Never been able to keep and maintain a meditation habit or any positive habit. Over-trusting people and being used or scammed, yet sometimes I'm extremely paranoid of others which motivates me to take random actions which sometimes make things worse. I've been bullied my entire life from others (School, Jobs, Society) and myself which helped me in becoming really introverted since childhood and I rarely stood up for myself. I'm compassionate and loving towards others and myself, yet I'm aware of this evil laughing side which showed itself clearly while trying Osho's Dynamic Meditation Technique a couple of times. Quiting my jobs because of some self-destructive thought process of the days even when I'm rewarded "The employee of the month". Going after a purpose but all the sudden I self-destruct even when I'm doing well and after a month or two I find something else with the same feeling of "Oh my God this is my purpose in life and I wanna do this until the day I die!". By the way I took the life purpose course, it was amazing but my interpretation over-time was bad, I'll take it again once I figure things out. Not being able to start a relationship because whenever I like a girl and we get along, I have this "Living what I wish to happen" in my head, so that the next time we meet, me and the girl are already married in my head when in reality, she's still trying to get what is going on and boom I freak her out. Starting startups but I quit at the last stages of the building stage because all the sudden I lose faith so quickly and I influence the idea to my team that we're not gonna make it but on the other hand, yet I excelled when someone was mentoring me and seeing the process and I just wanted to show that mentor what is possible with little resources and knowledge. Even though I consider myself emotional, yet I could get really numb/emotionless towards many things, even death, it's fine and I truly accept it, in fact it's beautiful for me, I never attempted suicide though and I don't really harm myself physically, the suffering is usually in my head. I express myself a lot and I talk about anything with friends which makes many friends run away. I over-think a lot and I keep planning stuff but they're usually repetitive thoughts but the creative ones are tasty but if I didn't act on them the same day I get the idea, I often don't even approach the idea again. Sometimes I'm feeling optimistic but sometimes like right now I'm feeling lost and hopeless, like I pretty much lost hope in doing anything to change right now, I'm so tired of trying and getting nowhere. Outside my house people look at me as this calm, open and successful person who always does something but in my parents house I can easily get triggered and by anyone, just in my house I'm this neurotic angry idiot, maybe because almost everyone is neurotic there and maybe because I hate having a very active autistic brother. And others and don't take this point for granted, I mean that it's affecting so many sides of my life. Recently I've been seeking therapy to know what the heck is going on, I told the girls I liked to email my therapist all the problems I caused to them in all brutal honesty and my therapist told me that the common thing was that they were frightened of me, which is fine but then I showed her my journal and reports on what is happening in life and mind and she went angry at me saying that it's okay if I was bad with girls but it's not okay if I'm making my life dysfunctional like this; grinding my bones to dust to get something going then make it fall flat on its face. The therapist requested that I see a doctor to be diagnosed and to take medication because she said that my issue could be "Rapid Cycling Bipolar Disorder", which isn't far from possible since I experienced many traumas in my life and especially in my childhood. Now obviously my proud Arab family will say that I'm fine and that it's just a phase but to be honest this whole thing started when I was a child maybe because my childhood wasn't the best out there and my parents always had financial difficulties. They wanna talk to my therapist and if they weren't convinced then they will take me to another therapist because they think that this therapist is working with the doctor she recommended, so that they both benefit financially. Now that you read it all, I have a bunch of questions: Can't my issues be solved if I soak help from a different domain, like Life Coaching even though it's expensive and almost non-existent in my country? Should I just snap out, leave my parents house and go try do something in life? I don't know if that's smart though, my self-control sucks. I tried self-help EMDR, Sedona Method, Visualizations and The Work by Katie but I can't focus and they don't seem to have any effect, what do I do? I went after programming, writing, poetry, songwriting, music, video production, gaming, entrepreneurship and business, social entrepreneurship...etc but I keep self-destructing so quickly, why? I'm not an alcoholic person, I don't smoke or do drugs, how can the entire theme of my life suck ass so badly? How can I be so dysfunctional? Can anybody give me some sort of a guideline to get out of this hole and actually get something going? But I don't know about that, I easily screwed up Leo's Life Purpose Course. What do I do? I will be thankful for the rest of my life if anybody was able to actually help, for real.
  8. I need to mention two things I forgot about; 1- Often times I delude and convince myself into doing an uncalculated and an unconscious action because I had some random thought or idea, which in some cases turns into a disaster, it's like I get blinded temporarily and overthink for hours about how to do the action and do it no matter how risky it is and usually I regret what I did. That's how I was able to sit my ass for four hours writing the love letter to that girl, that's how I got myself to writing this thread, that's how I start my projects and so on. Although in terms of projects this is useful because when I calculate and plan a lot, I tend to care less about the idea but if I bashed myself into the wall of the unknowing, the projects tend to be a huge wow in front of whoever sees them. 2- I get panic attacks and sometimes shake whenever I try to fix things with someone.
  9. @How to be wise Thanks for the time spent reading this and thanks for the advice, I've been checking it out since yesterday and today I'm going to print the worksheets and see where this will take me, I may end up buying her book "Loving what is".
  10. I'm glad you clicked on this thread because your help is needed and thank you for gifting me the time reading this. This is a form of self-expression because I don't know any better to be gifted advises by you, so please be patient, this is some low-consciousness stuff and I don't think moving towards high consciousness issues before solving the low ones is wise and I'm already experiencing how corrupt this is. To help you understand what is going on, I will mention the following: Background info about my life. Some of my past traumas. My current situation. By the way, I'm so done with everything, so this may depress you if you can't handle tough stuff. _______________________________________________ 1) Background info about my life: Born and live in an Arabic country (Jordan), third world country of course, in a really religious Muslim family. I consider myself spiritual but I'm not devoted to any religion, I once got really religious 4 years ago but it was for an extrinsic motivation, which is my first love. I'm 21 years old but I don't only deal with people in my age but also with business men and children, I'm universal but really introverted and in most of the times I make things awkward. I study Computer Science but I failed a lot in subjects for emotional reasons and carelessness, which made my credit hours so low and that will lead me to finish university in six to eight years instead of four, I'm still in the third year though, so I may change majors to software engineering or drop out, yet dropping out is something that my parents are just fighting me about even though they're paying tons of money they can't afford, yet luckily after taking the Life Purpose Course by Leo, I realized that what I'm running from (The University) has to do something with my life purpose. I'm kind of impatient but sometimes patient, I don't know how this functions in me but I think it's about how interested I am in what I'm pursuing. My family was never successful financially, always mediocre or poor. Just the fact that when I go out with friends I end up buying sweets and snacks instead of the food my friends order just to fill my stomach when I'm out with them makes me feel self-pity and that isn't a nice feeling if you ask me . My family lacks giving and receiving love, relatives and friends rarely visit us, which is not common in my country and the feeling of the house is just toxic and sad, we never hug, we rarely check on each others, we're all really different and divergent and so on, and all of that made me see that my first love experience was the only sacred thing I knew back when I was still stuck in it. Dad is hardworking, patient and trying to make the house a happier place materially, yet rarely emotionally, and that's not working out in both ways. Mum is just toxic and manipulative, she never even say to us "How are you?", when she call for one of us, we just know that she's going to ask for a service for her selfish needs. I have an Autistic brother whom is mainly my responsibility for some reason to take care of him because when we were kids, I used to use violence to stop him from hurting himself and ruining the house, which made him scared of me and forces him to behave when I'm around until today. I spent my entire life playing video games until I was seventeen years old, sometimes creating game maps and completely being goalless as if nothing matters, my grades until today are just horrible . I studied most of my life in a males only schools and it was kind of a shock for me to deal directly with females in the university even though I did interact a lot with females on the internet through games, texts and video calls. For like two years I've been doing personal development work, I read a bunch of books, I meditate, I'm journaling a lot and I started three businesses which all ended up crashing and burning because they never really got to the starting point, prototype is ready but we stop there and even when I pour tons of effort to make it happen, the team has already given up and I burn out or self-destruction mode happens and I ruin everything I have skills in almost anything like Programming, Entrepreneurship, Writing, Game Art and so on, I can also teach basics to anyone interested in what I'm teaching and I have a big picture of general knowledge about almost any subject you may ask about and I just love researching and expanding my awareness about how things around me and in me work, yet I never really delved so deep in something and I don't think I can get paid for any skill I have today, I'm trying to delve into one right now but I'm uncertain about it because it's being an early adopter to a programming language that I love but I don't know if it will get me anywhere since right now the open source community is in love with it but the commercial rich people are still not sure if they wanna invest in it. I think a lot and I'm creative but my imagination is out the window, even brain 2D animation is difficult for me to be imagined. I tried leaving my house and live by my own but I never stood the jobs here and how toxic they can get and it's hard to build reputation for freelance work, although I think it's because I can't be passionate about something that isn't created by me. Most people in my country usually give priority to family connections over skills, if you were the most skilled person and there exist in your company a relative to the manager, your salary must be lower than his. Most Entrepreneurs and Businessmen here have no business ethics and are ready to stop profiting for a year if not more to make sure you're out. I'm considering immigration as an option but when I tried, I figured out that you can't trust anyone, because scams are everywhere. I may try immigrating again but when I have money and when I study it better. Also I'm afraid of leaving everyone and everything behind. I don't forget and regret when I hurt someone else even if I didn't mean it. I went to psychologists for advice about my problems but I guess psychologists here don't want to help as much as they want what's inside my pockets. _______________________________________________ 2) Some Past Traumas: Almost kidnapped by the sellers in a shoe store because Mum left and thought I followed her but I escaped those who tried to kidnap me, Mum didn't know about this until I learned how to speak when I was four years old. Stabbed in my hand with a knife by Mum when I was a kid, she was hallucinating, according to her. When I was a kid, I wished to have a brother after having two sisters to play video games with, I got an autistic one. When I was a kid, a needle went inside my right knee and I was awake until the doctors injected a sleeping needle (I guess). When I was in the third grade, the teacher asked us "What do you want to become in the future?", everyone said doctor or an engineer but I don't know why, something inside of me made me say "I want to become an inventor", which to her surprise told the class to clap for me but for some reason later on made the school bully me for five years, abuse me, sometimes sexually, luckily no rape happened. Sexually abused and almost got raped by a male relative, couldn't tell anyone in my family to avoid troubles. My dad once smashed my laptop's screen because I wasn't paying attention to his lecture about what I should value but that made the devils embody me and I smashed our giant T.V.'s screen. Being made fun of when I pitched my projects in the global entrepreneurship day in my university, people didn't show projects but made an Americans Got Talent show instead and I was the oddball. _____________________I think I'm over the above or maybe time put them under the rug.__________________________ 9. My first love story (Made a thread about this before), the girl is not worth it and it was even a far distance relationship with someone I never met but the feeling of being loved that I had is something I'm still desperate for even after four years which lead me to work hard chasing fake hopes and dreams, write a novel, letters and poems which I burnt and lead every girl I tried to be close with to run away or use me (Ask for help and end up scamming me) or manipulate me (Play with my emotions to project her insecurities) and so on which made me become desperate for love even more and instead of getting everyone close to me, I'm pushing everyone away including friends, family and my dear video games because it felt like this is what I'm living for because it brought so much happiness temporarily. (My Biggest Trauma) 10. Getting scammed three times, first one was in a video game for being greedy, second one was by an internet female friend who took advantage of my first love's heart break and said that she needed money to continue her studies and the third one is because I was ignorant about immigration, and even after all what happened, I still believe that there are some good people out there which makes me trust people a lot and makes me still vulnerable to scams. 11. The realization that I can't remember anyone's birthday except for my brothers, sisters and my first love. 12. The realization that I don't enjoy video games and taking breaks anymore because I always feel like I need to do something as if the world owes me. _______________________________________________ 3) Current Situation: The last startup I invented is crashing and burning and I don't feel like doing anything about it although it's a big contribution if it went out there. I have no sympathy towards humans who don't want to help themselves but if I knew that someone needed help with their passion, I give my all to that person. I don't have a job but I have few leftovers saved from my previous job. Even though I meditate, I sometimes lose control, feel stress and anxiety, sometimes I be fully in my head hearing screams of agony but no words and tons of decisive suicidal thoughts and actually feeling the death while imagining myself jumping off a building, this happened a lot but also happened recently last Thursday in a class and it was so hard for me to hide this that my friend (Dream pure girl if you ask me) noticed it. I still feel like I have to do some tasks everyday even in my breaks as if I'm forced to be pulled towards them and if I don't do them, I feel really down and start saying stuff like "I'm never leaving my parents house". My grades are still out the window and if I didn't succeed in the discrete math subject I took (Failed it twice), I don't think I can continue studying tech majors, because I can't hide the fact that I failed in 5 subjects from parents anymore since I can't continue taking courses if the core ones are not complete. Sometimes I feel like stabbing myself in the neck to end this nightmare I'm living. Whenever I remember my traumas and how embarrassing some of them were, I cringe and say a random sentence to myself like "I love you", why? I don't know, maybe that's a normal human thing, it happens often though. I'm witnessing my dream pure girl slowly running away because I desperately asked for love from her when I lost control and sit my ass for four hours non-stop to write this shocking letter to her although we never dated. (Heartbreak #10) I feel kinda certain my passions but I'm still practicing and trying to delve into coding, I'm impatiently waiting for this moment when I completely lose myself and write code as if I'm meditating, then end up with a shocking invention just like I did when I started pursuing personal development. I'm overthinking for hours everyday, sometimes unnecessarily and I've been doing that as a habit since my first love story happened. I feel very uncertain about what will happen in the future and I don't know if any of the above will get any better. _______________________________________________ #Note: I don't take any kind of medications, smoke, take drugs or drink. Please do kindly share suggestions and practices to overcome and let go of my past and what I'm going through. I guess I can thank you with this.
  11. I never dared to make a thread in this sub-forum because I know that I can't talk about anything I never experienced but it hurts seeing @Leo Gura bothered by something like this, come on Truth Seekers!
  12. Hoi Hoomans, it's ya boy IStillLiveInMyParentsHouseWithANeckbeard here to do nothing special! Since I only reached the values assessment segment, I will only write technical feedback about what I experienced so far. Issues I faced so far: When Leo mentions in the videos that there's a video about a certain subject in his YouTube channel, I see no links which lead to the recommended videos. I think It would be nice if a personal comment section was added but since there's a FAQ, I don't think that's needed. (Not a big issue) I use the latest version of Firefox and for some reason when I leave the computer for a while and come back, the video player just crashes and I would need to reload the page which will lead me to the login page for some reason and I'll have to find my way back to the last video I watched which is another problem. It would be nice if the recommended videos were free and not videos you have to buy off Amazon. (Not a big issue) The price of the course compared to the value is fairly reasonable but holy potatoes, as a person who lives in a third world country, that's legit half of my salary. (Not a big issue) There's kind of a bug in the map which shows the people who bought the course, which is that I live in Jordan and when I bought the course, instead of writing Jordan it wrote Israel and if I was a Muslim Arabic person, I would take this personally and ask for a refund due to the conflicts between the Arabic nation and Israel. Subtitles would be nice to double the focus (Not a big issue) Since the course was made and no videos were added by the 2016 and 2017 new Leo, I think the videos will be enough but the new Leo could add some mind-blowing insights about the Life Purpose. Don't get me wrong, although I barely started the values assessment segment, I think this course is amazing if not the best I ever put money into to invest in myself but I have to point out stuff for the purpose of improvement. That's it for now. Have a nice day
  13. @Sevi I blushed because of your response but thanks for understanding
  14. @electroBeam What annoys me is that I know and believe in what you're talking about but the belief is shallow, the difference in our environment and the way we're both raised makes the difficulty to apply what you're saying differs, yes I am throwing excuses here, yet trust me on this one, the culture here is suffocating in many aspects in life other than the ones we're talking about here, which is very hard to deal with, that's why I'm trying to find a way out, the toxified toxifying minds around me are making it hard to cling to my authentic self, happiness and the way I see love.
  15. From the title you probably guessed what is going on but let me go into specifics; My parents took me to a males only school which kinda affected how I perceived females back then, my first love experience was when I was 17 with a girl on the internet which lasted a month but took me two years to have less emotional issues when remembering her. I entered the university when I was 18 and since the university had males and females in the same place, it was easy for me to have a crush every now and then and sometimes I become friends with them and confess love to them without going out with them on a date which of course lead to rejection 8 times which added more pain to the trauma I've had with my first love. I communicated my love through writing poetry, novels and love letters and I also communicated my love through making animations and giving gifts which destroys my wallet because I hardly can control this. This is an example of a love letter I wrote to someone: https://goo.gl/5YJjIR When my family talk about what I should give importance to and what not I simply don't care whatsoever but when it comes to me having emotions towards someone I love, god knows how quickly it is for me to cause a disaster and lose friends. I went to a therapy and all he said is that this is a teenagers thing and it will soon pass, he said that when I was 18 and nope, it did not pass until now. I worked on myself a lot that when I get close to someone and they know how I see this life, they just run away because what I believe in is against our Arabic culture, so that's why I try to blend in while expressing myself in a vague way. Starting my own non-profit organization and my company are not and will never be the reason why someone would want to be with me, it's not easy at all to control myself when loving someone or something or being loved, I over-express love. I may consider immigration but I don't know if that's going to allow me to actually let go of everything and everyone in my past and have a chance to finally be with someone, don't get me wrong, being 21 and virgin is not an issue as much as I wanna be with someone that would help me feel safe emotionally and allow me to do my best to help her become who she always wanted to be.