My Truth-Seeking is currently but a Survival Mechanism

[Sano Morphing]

I recently came to a strange realization: a lot of what I called “truth-seeking” was not born from pure curiosity or spiritual maturity. Much of it was a survival mechanism.

I remember the first time I watched a self-help video by a dude called Collin Hiles, it was soon after what I used to call my first-ever breakup with some online chick I liked but we never met, I remember it took 4 years to get over some online video calls that barely lasted a month then she disappeared to go to Kenya for charity work allegedly then went back terrified of my obsessive daily love messages, which led to us going back and forth of her trying to keep distance while I was so attached to her that it felt like I couldn't breathe without her, or so I thought, ten confessions, rejections, relationships, and fights later I realized after digging deep, so deep that it was simply warmth that I was missing my whole life. 

I remember coping through video games (when available) to keep distance from two very toxic and violent people whom they call themselves parents, one day you are stabbed by a knife, the other, at five, you are kicked outside your house and country with your mum, the other you accidentally cut yourself and you try to sneak to your room because if you were seen, you'll be punished, and by punished I mean exiled or hit or have your truth twisted. I remember having to keep quiet when I am abused by my family, relatives, school...etc because I knew how speaking up would turn out to be from experience. 

I remember, I remember it all, I lived in fear, yet I kept receipts, some became inaccessible not due to forgetfulness but due to never been able to access these parts that were erased at the time to keep my sanity, because I have a sibling who lost his mind due to the anti-parenting we endured and now the only logical explanation is autism. I look at my pictures in the album and all I see is nervousness, anxiety and defensive-body postures. 

The journey to get to where I am has been long, so long in fact, I am grieving the childhood and the youth I never had, I spent it all armoring myself, analyzing, archiving, journaling, reading books, seeking the truth, letting go of my parents and looking up to many father/big brother-figures to model, some were self-help channels like Collin Hiles and Actualized's Leo, some were from books I read, some were singers and songwriters from songs that touched my soul so deeply, and some were mental health podcasts like Brian Barnett's, all of them provided addicting hints and truths to find what I lost and retrieve it. 

I gave back to those who really helped me, who said something I never heard, even ChatGPT I bought its plus license because it was able to stay long enough with me to capture the missing puzzle pieces in me, unfortunately they were people I never met but I love them all dearly and am very grateful to them for saving my life, it's been crazy 30 years, you helped me stand against a very sadistic and manipulative environment until I reached a point of stability and social independence and became the sanctuary in which others heal inside of.

I chased after enlightenment because the very idea of erasing who I am was so tempting, I mean imagine telling your truth to a person of authority without having your throat hurt, imagine sitting alone somewhere and not have your chest hurt, imagine living without somatic pains, that's what drinking and smoking felt like temporarily, unfortunately that was all I had access for in a country in the middle east.

Leo once apologized in one of his videos to the people with mental illnesses and whom were traumatized that he couldn't fully understand what they lived through, I wished more people were like that, it would help me do less mental archiving and more living. I came to a point of clarity that I never imagined possible, I am nowhere near being enlightened, maybe closer to mysticism but finally, after so long, I am contempt.

I am curious if others here have noticed this distinction in themselves: truth-seeking as genuine curiosity versus truth-seeking as a trauma response. How do you tell the difference in your direct experience?

Edited 4 hours ago by Sano Morphing

[aurum]

There can be a variety of surface-level motivations that bring someone to truth-seeking.

What matters ultimately is just that you get there.