eos_nyxia

TO THE GOD WHO DRAGGED MY ASS HERE: Thank you, truly. You were truly terrible, wonderful, and beautiful. You were a tyrant and a monster, you ripped me apart down to nothing and stepped on me in about a million different ways, but you taught me well. You saw me fully, you were compassionate, at times. Maybe once in a blue moon, you were kind. For a handful of moments, I could cocoon inside you, even if only to be disassembled some moments later, to eventually take on some greater forms. You made me a killer too, in your way, as you are also. (I don't know if I want to thank you for that though...) You made me what you thought I needed to be, in this lifetime, to serve whatever purpose you saw fit, in your image. And for that, I unironically thank you. After all, you knew and saw more than I did at that time. There was nothing and no one else to follow and to obey. Thank you for seeing the shape of things to come some 1000-plus years ago, and thank you for passing on the torch to me. Thank you for sharing the sight you could at that time, with my limited understanding, for all the ways in which you exist outside of time. You picked the pace, and it was as quick as possible at a break-neck speed without actually breaking me more than I needed to be broken to serve the necessary purposes. As far I know, only your discernment could make this happen so precisely. Thank you for showing me so much that you are capable of, that I would be capable of, that I was formerly capable of... because you and I were always meant to be reunited as One Being, as we are... Thank you, thank you for your limitless beauty. You were arguably the most terrible of all the forms I've ever taken in my many incarnations, but it's a matter of perspective, I suppose. You certainly know how to make a spectacle out of death, dying, destruction and the underside of all these normally hidden things not so fully accepted, embraced, and explored. No one could have made it more beautiful than you have; I'm sure of this.

.... >insert something later<

TO MY HUSBAND: When you've been feeling especially low, it's been so hard to convince you that you haven't been some consolation prize, and that I truly DO believe in you. And that I mean it when I say I will never leave you, if that's what you want. (And you've had more than enough time to change your mind already, haven't you, although you were always sure from the start?) You've known me since I was... what... 16? You know I don't fuck around when it comes to these types of promises, specifically because I believe it's a sort of "sin" to promise someone forever if you can't deliver, to be flippant and careless in this way even if you somehow still mean it with everything you can attach meaning to. Specifically, it's the "sin" of being a person where your own words ultimately disintegrate into nothing because they MEAN nothing, to not be a person of your word. I understand why you feel that way, and I know how it looks from outside of myself. It makes me feel so so sad, and at times, ashamed. I hurt the only person who ever truly was there for me in my time of actual need, and it hurts like I'm hurting myself directly (but like, hurting in a way that actually matters to me, because hurting myself often doesn't matter because for it matter, I'd be a slave to pain). It hurts every time I remember and every time I see you hurt. I'd say.... "I'm sorry", but it sounds so frivolous. The drama of sharing these words with you while having strong feelings about them, it seems to always fall short of how I actually feel. So I shut myself up and bear witness to your grief and my own. Because no matter what now, your pain is my pain now, as your joys are my joys. I've told you over and over again: if I had left this body in 2019, you are the only one I would have felt bad about hurting. Certainly not my family or anyone else I had known. If I were to have regretted anything about leaving this body, you would have been my one regret. (As for the rest of them, fuck them, I literally owe them nothing. I kept my hands as clean as possible and walked as lightly as I could given my circumstances. If I didn't stay by the roll of dice, then my business was otherwise done here.) I don't have any more words in me to explain why I felt like that was the only choice I had to make: you've already heard it all over and over again, in slightly different iterations. That I was a slave to my ""higher self", and to "truth" via the "process of elimination" in general. If I could have known what I knew right now, instead of being dominated by intuition and cynicism of things that I had not yet directly experienced and seen via the actions of others... then obviously I would never have left you alone as I did. I can say "I did not want all this" (the way I hurt you, the unintended consequences) but that alone does not absolve me of having hurt you in any way. As you've hurt a bit less deeply as time has passed and you've started to trust and feel more again, maybe it will make more sense on an emotional level. My choices. More than anything, I hope one day you will never have to hurt at all. I mean... if I've done my time, you've also done yours. Isn't it time for a greater sense of a shared life and to take our place fully in the sun? Because why the fuck not? If this is all that there is, why shouldn't we live, and live well? I know you're capable of it. If I was, (and I was certainly a "hopeless case", as in, there was no way out of my past predicament without destroying myself and starting over...) I know you are too. ....and I know you won't have to hurt yourself the way I hurt myself. You ask me how I know? I JUST FUCKING KNOW, OK? (And now you're going to have to bear the burden of my endless belief in you, whether you want it or not!) As for everything else, I will continue to try my very best to be whatever it is that you need and want me to be, and I will try not to let the remnants of my former life unknowingly creep onto us, in all these big and small ways that add up. There is... always something to work on. Thank you for being here with me through all of it, and thank you for remembering my past self, and for being my second set of eyes (as I hope I can be for you). You are all I have left of my past self, that was seen. Thank you, thank you, thank you. From the bottom of my heart. Thank you for your sacrifice. For the record, I am glad it was you. And only you. If they ever write my name down because of anything I end up doing with the rest of my life, I hope they write yours right beside mine, and not anywhere else.

IT'S ALL DONE// I ALREADY GAVE EVERYTHING: And if I want to make nothing more of this all, to step back and let things do their work? That's fine too. Either way, I must live with it. That is the thing. I don't HAVE TO do anything more. I am so used to this driving sense of need, of pushing against the grain, of being things for people and being present in ways thats I don't fully want to be, and especially to this sense of having been a slave to the will of my "higher self". Well, there is no more inaccessible, not-fully-seen, "higher self" to serve anymore. I changed myself to change the rules of the game. But without HAVING TO, there is so much that I don't know how to do automatically or instinctively anymore out of sheer force of habit and repetition. I know fully that I've already done more than enough. Far, far more than enough. I do not have to give anything or to be anything more. I do not have to be open, I do not have to be personally present for anyone. I don't have to be seen PERSONALLY nor do I have to allow myself to be seen, and I certainly don't have to be affable. I don't need respect, love, or service in any personal sense either. The world will come into its own regardless. --- The question is... do I even truly want ACT II? Can I get fully on board with this? If not just because, but because the previous me in this lifetime "deserved more"? Is this something that I've decided that I deserve (because all there is to life is what I make of it...)? Or do I want to fade completely into the background, completely invisible and undetectable? Can I finally have the privilege to be utterly forgotten and not held onto? Do I finally want my cabin in the woods somewhere?

Honest question: what does it even feel like to be the kind of person where this is the worst (or one of the worst) fates you could possibly conceive of? From my perspective: it must be nice to have that luxury. Though I'm sure it doesn't actually... feel nice. I get that loneliness and invalidation isn't a joke but... If this is actually the central point of your being, it's like you're made of paper. You're an animal that can make use of human speech and thought patterns, and not much more. What's even underneath that grief and anger; is there anything at all?

THE SUMMER OF NEON '24: a soundtrack Another loner insomniac anthem, which ironically makes me feel connected to everything. (I love the person I am when I'm alone still though. What am I supposed to do about that?) Vibe and lyrics are on point...: A dimension of sorts. Somehow, I swear I've heard this melody in a dream a thousand times before, like a forgotten, familiar, ever-shifting face: Knowledge and memory of the last 10,000+ years did not save my life either. I suspect that 2nd gen (?) shoegaze is probably boring for people who lived through the first wave. But then.... I didn't. It's all been equally new and novel to me. All I really care about is living in the sound universe(s) that make me feel the way I want to feel, you know? Thematically this has been living rent-free in my head for a while, and I've been wondering who and what it's actually about, as I'm only aware of one Wittgenstein. Among many things, I wasn't aware that the philosopher had a pianist brother and that there was a lot of death in their family. It seems there's a lot I don't know about them, period. https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Paul_Wittgenstein IMO, drastically slowed-down music seems to be very hit-or-miss with very little in-between. I wonder why that is? In any case, a great deal of the greatest beauty I've experienced in my life basically amounts to 800% slowed down, 10000% magnified experiences of otherwise "mundane reality". In other words, they get the "blip in time" experience of something possibly beautiful, and I get a whole dimension all to myself. (It's not always so bad to receive a whole mountain created from a molehill though.)

THE SUMMER OF NEON '24: (I decided that I wanted to have a NEON BITCH summer, because I've never had one before. Bye bye monochrome darks!) Retrofit: 40s to 60s. Neon-ass print: ....the 80s? (Otherwise: I was happy when oversized clothing came back within the past 5 years (?) or so. Whenever I've been the most into it, it hasn't exactly been popular. But it being on trend gives me more clothing options if I want them.) Honestly... if I wasn't going swimming, I could happily live wearing a tent these days. In general, unless I'm going through some (usually short-lived) flashy and expressive phase, I dress more conservatively than average because being an exhibitionist is exhausting, whether it's intentional or y'know, people just happen to be there existing where I'm existing with functioning eyeballs. Being acutely perpetually aware of people being aware of "me" usually has made me feel decentered from my own experience. But I think finally I might be moving past the stilting and limiting feeling of BEING SEEN by people who have their own ideas and biases about who you are based on how you appear and what that "has to mean". Like, eventually you can truly and completely stop giving a shit, right? Plus, I am not really, in my heart of hearts, an attention addict, and often my favourite things about experiencing life through a human vehicle have no direct relationship to being constantly reminded that I have one by other people, as if I exist to be seen rather than to experience life directly and rawly through my own senses and perception as myself, first and foremost. Basically, whatever reality that dudes get to live in and take for granted. Oh, the joys of being invisible. (Or at least, believing that you are.) But I mean, there's no intrinsic problem with being seen (or being hyper-aware that you're being watched), until you have one. Not sure how this fits into the general aesthetic, but I've slept on getting this pin, and realized I missed out. I thought it would be like using a hair chopstick, but it stays in place as well as those spin pins but they're a lot easier to get out of your hair. Plus, regular-sized screw pins don't work well for smaller amounts of hair anyway. Nails: Apparently, this is "on trend" and they're calling it "soap nails" (...because it looks clean?) But really... I'm lazy, but also can't stand overly-obvious chipping on my hands. I do a lot of things with my hands; I've always been a doer. IMO long fancy nails are for ladies whose primary mode of being is liking or needing to be looked at (and who like to look at themselves). No judgment, but a ruined manicure is worse than no manicure at all. If it can't even last half a week before I end up chipping on some weights or gardening, what's the point? I use pale pink in place of a light neutral (like white/ cream) because I hate wearing whites and instead opt for nude-ish colours, especially to break up the monotony of dark neutrals. Anywhere along this spectrum from pink to brownish: ballerina pink, pale rose gold, champagne beige. Wearing ***too many*** rings and bracelets on one hand: (specifically my left side), and minimal jewelry everywhere else: I hear there is some symbolic meaning to adorning either your left or right hand, like this picture below.... However, I've also heard that the right hand is connected to the left hemisphere of the brain (and also vice versa). While I'm fully reconciled with how all of this information squares with the sensations and observations of being in a body, realistically, my right hand is my drawing/ painting/ writing/ finger-picking hand, and I hate things getting in my way. But yes, I'm an occultist, and my left hand is totally my wizard hand, and my wizard hand must be decorated and celebrated. Wearing and reclaiming old symbols: (symbols were always meant to evolve anyway) amber sun pendant thor's hammer minimalistic infinity band Everything that I wanted them to mean, coming out of yet another hopeless phase in my life (early-mid 2019), I embrace now. Because why not? All you can make of it (that you will allow it to be made of) is ALL THAT YOU'VE GOT. Same as it ever was... THE OFFICIAL MOISTURIZER OF THE UNDERWORLD: I'm trying pomegranate seed oil instead of my usual rosehip oil. I read that it smelt terrible, but it's not so bad. It smells a bit like exotic wood shavings. (At least it doesn't smell like neem oil?) ON THEME: I'm not much of a roguelite/ button masher, but I became one mid-late last year. Originally I got this game for my husband a handful of Xmases ago, and now I think I've played more than him and may know the ins-and-outs of this game better. I started a 2nd game and beat it after only dying 12 times, lol. I was mildly proud of myself. Whatever the aesthetic and vibe of Mother 3 is: I think it might also finally be the summer of the macebell. (Usually, it takes me about 1-2 years before I commit to learning a new medium or skill.) Not right now though, because of cyclical female hormones.

You can communicate, just not directly with human language; it has its limitations. Sometimes that's a purpose of "elevated" art forms, If you can communicate with your whole beingness, anyone/ anything that is truly open will be in communion with you. It is inescapable, really.

Is that actually true? I thought that statistically speaking, Boomers and Gen X were the sluttiest demographic. They started having sex near the beginning of the invention and mass distribution of the pill, and before "(casual) sex positivity" has been slowly but surely its shine for millennials. Maybe people are still doing it, but where is the optimism about it?? The pre-AIDs era seemed absolutely wild, though I'm sure, as usual, only a fraction of people were living to their "fullest potential". I'm not under the impression that gen Z is casual sex positive (if I'm gonna make a massive generalization....) I mean, they have the internet. It's a lot easier to avoid talking and dealing with the opposite sex, especially if it doesn't come to you naturally. If anything, mainstream attitudes toward sexuality for gen Y and Z tend to be more permissive, which isn't the same thing? It's just how you feel about it. Honestly, what worries more than anything is the kids raised with a theoretically infinite supply of hardcore, violent porn during their very early formative years. Especially without any kind of proper sex education, both from schools and parents/ guardians. Not to fear monger, but I seriously worry for any girl under the age of 20 especially. I have heard some really terrible stories of girls losing their virginity, getting abruptly choked, slapped, dicks shoved down their throat, etc. by boys who have no concept or desire of consent or the fact that the physical aspect of bdsm cannot actually be casual nor risk-free. Because... porn teaches you absolutely nothing. I have heard that say: in the 80s or 90s, it was not like this at all. Legimiately, this is deranged. Incestuous friend groups have always been a thing though. Source: people I knew in high school.

Yep, I get it. As a child, I was a people pleaser and only stopped masking when I was alone. You need sensitivity and you need courage. IMO if you can't establish your boundaries with grace or the weight of doing so gets too heavy to bear (which tends to be the case with people pleasers), you might as well just let people down on purpose. Like, make a point of doing so. Sometimes being difficult/ bitchy/ asshole-ish will help you get over your fear or preoccupation with being "the bad guy"; being direct has a lot of transformative power. Or being really abrupt. Yea, it's not ideal (it's best not to go nuclear lol), but it's not like you being drained to death magically serves the highest good of this world, let alone yourself. Then you'd get one functional person at best, but most often you'll eventually end up with two people sinking because they're trying to share the same life preserver. So in this case, the pretense of "morality" ("the higher good" via self-sacrifice) is mainly a facade and not something that can exist as a tangible reality. Sometimes you just have to get yourself out of a difficult situation because literally no one else will do it for you. Or in the case of the OP, be careful of what he is setting himself up for more of in the future. Let's just say that if they float because they take without consideration and you sink, that's a cause for suspicion. It should be a red flag for people who have issues with boundaries and having a backbone. You're dealing with someone who has no interest in bare-bones reciprocity, and likely willfully turns a blind eye when it's in their self-interest to do so. Meanwhile, only they are allowed to be the primary victim, should things go wrong or not to their liking. Abort ship. Don't let people use your fear of being an asshole against you. Also, there are plenty of people who are gravely sick, vulnerable, who have been abused and taken advantage of, yet are also conscientious about taking freely and who would feel bad about the lack of reciprocity, or the fact that the person who is giving DOESN'T ACTUALLY WANT TO DO IT. Generally, people who need someone to feed off of (aka. an enabler) will leave pretty quickly when it's clear you mean business, no matter how desperate they say they are. I mean, they might even actually fully believe it. It's important for people to realize that it's not exactly about the words you pick, but the power behind your intentionality. Your emotions. People who need to fill a void urgently are rarely that patient. They've got an empty slot inside them, and you just happen to be there and good enough. It's not even that much about you personally, really. (Something that people tend to forget when they want to cast themselves as the hero in their life narrative.)

Why does this sound romantic? I guess I'd rather be someone's weirdo as opposed to nobody's weirdo.

Well, they might not be wrong. Maybe they're not right about you, but forums can be an echo chamber and it's not always the healthiest thing. Otherwise, think of this way: Everyone interesting is weird, but not everyone weird is interesting. Literally, by definition.

Unless it's an act of both love and conviction, won't you come to regret your choice? (Assuming it's just about taking care of another adult, not potential children. If it is, then you'd have to grapple with the prospect of being a deadbeat dad.) On another level, you could also ask yourself if there is some part of you that is seeking out the obligation. Like, it's potentially a drag but you also get something out of being wanted and needed which ultimately outweighs the absence of obligation. You still get the sense of meaning, routine, and being the "good person" in the situation. This is a pattern I've noticed in people. Really, it depends on what your ethical code is and how seriously you take it. For any level of responsibility you've accepted, you can theoretically just as easily unaccept it. There is no rule that says you have to continue to do something just because you started it, especially if you did not explicitly agree to do so. Yea, it will piss people off and hurt their feelings because they feel like you've developed a set precedent. Many take this to be implicit consent. On the flip side, you could just as easily say that they're a grown-ass adult and they're being entitled. It's worth considering the risk factor if you don't get involved: for instance, is there the risk of homelessness or a direct risk to their life (whether due to medical issues, suicidality, etc.)? The responsibility you take on as a partner/ caretaker might be far beyond your capacity and pay grade anyway... and for what it's worth, you can sometimes help someone at a greater distance as well. It might end up being the better outcome for both people.

Not sure how much of this is my own neurodivergence, but personally I find this super relatable. I also have happened to think for a lot of my life that tasks and expectations that are dumped on women/ girls are beneath me.... so there is that too.

For whatever it's worth, """Science""" (TM) is moving away from this long-held perspective which has been a sticking point/cornerstone in evo psych. (That it wasn't common for women to hunt big game.) https://www.smithsonianmag.com/smart-news/early-women-were-hunters-not-just-gatherers-study-suggests-180982459/ https://www.npr.org/sections/goatsandsoda/2023/07/01/1184749528/men-are-hunters-women-are-gatherers-that-was-the-assumption-a-new-study-upends-i spoiler alert: people of all genders who could things, often did it. Anyway, specialization is more typically a feature of modernizing societies (more people, non-nomadic lifestyle), is it not?

"I DON'T KNOW ANY OF THESE PEOPLE": In this life, I obeyed one superlative principle above everything else: I wanted to witness people, see some truth about how they'd act and what they'd choose. Now for years, I've wanted to move on completely. But something always sticks; it doesn't help that I tend to be very problem-and-solution orientated. But there is one best answer, and it may be the only answer there ever was for all of my issues: Whatever this energy is. Deep down, I've always known this to be true. Moreso at the emotional level rather than the cognitive level, as the latter tends to end up as cognitive dissonance. So yea. I don't know any of these people.

I just looked her up.... and oh my god, are you fucking serious?? She grew up in my hometown.... Of course she dropped out of the UFV (it'd either be there or Trinity Western, lol) and was a candidate in the Langley/ Aldergrove area. No surprise there. I love Langley, but it's very white, conservative, and Christian for the greater Vancouver area. And here I thought she was just some redneck from Alberta. (Mind you, I also dated some redneck from Alberta a lifetime ago.) Small town Alberta is like the bible belt of Canada, and Langley and eastward (the Fraser Valley) is like part of the mini bible belt here in BC.

Though TBH, working out and being as physical as I am right now doesn't actually make me feel better about being in my body, on a purely raw, physical level. It does take up a lot of physical, mental, and emotional energy, and I've always been extremely sensitive to physical sensations and basically anything going on in my body. Arguably I could do much much more with that same energy when it comes to mental or creative pursuits, so when I tend to get very body-focused, it tends to cap me in other areas. It seems to have something to do with how my body and brain are built in this lifetime; I make the best of my starting set of strengths, weaknesses, and limitations. Honestly, I have the most energy speed walking everywhere, doing a little bit of yoga, having the most bare-bones strength routine (in terms of both frequency and overall training volume), getting lots of rest and managing my stress levels very carefully. In terms of how it feels physically, at an emotional level: I really, really don't like being flabby and weak. Especially skinny, small, and weak. My body feels "unstructured" at a raw physical level. I don't like feeling not physically capable in my everyday life and I really do not like attracting predators or men who are specifically attracted to weakness in a woman (I question if they're the same sort of guys that seek out women with eating disorders, neurodivergent women, and/or very young women). Unfortunately, that was my childhood, and there is no more powerful negative motivator to work out than this. In terms of pure vanity on a personal level: I don't like feeling shapeless, and worry about this more than I should. At my lowest weights, it's almost always because I stop eating because of stress or some severe mental health crisis in the past. I don't care if anyone liked the way I looked then; I didn't. It's not my ideal. And in general, people should keep their comments to themselves because you probably don't know what a person is dealing with mentally or physically, and you're probably gonna put your foot in your mouth. On a purely aesthetic level, skinny/ thin can look good and healthy on a variety people, and I don't judge people according to the standards which I judge myself. At all. On a collective social level: associating skinniness with being "higher class" can go straight to hell where it belongs. (Again, mostly a thing directed toward women, but also occasionally towards men to a lesser degree.) I came of age in the early-mid 2000s. The Y2K-era aesthetic for women was either skinny, or skinny with big boobs. It was not yet cool to be female-bodied wanting to get stronger lifting weights; weight lifting for women was super niche. Women were actively afraid of getting "too muscular", and there was none of that social media, “strong is the new skinny” mindset yet. Still, even that ultimately boils down to replacing one aesthetic with another. Despite that, I evaded being brainwashed by culture, and started training anyway. I guess this is a long-winded way of saying to train for yourself, and to find some deeper, more sustainable meaning to it. It can all mean whatever you want it to mean that you are capable of making it mean.

As a woman, toward men: I wouldn’t enjoy being with a man who is far more neurotically preoccupied with his looks than It am. I happened once; I wasn’t a fan. I have no pretense of speaking for other women, but personally, I find it more attractive when people are into some specific discipline, whether a sport, martial arts, or strength athletics, rather than general gym rattery (aesthetics-centered training). There is a sweet spot of being disciplined but also chill about the body. Also, having a certain body awareness developed through large amounts of time, focused and dedicated to exploring and training the body and nervous system often helps people establish physical presence. There is a sort of grounded confidence that comes from the experience of making the body more lived-in. At this level: you walk differently, hold your posture differently, you think of yourself and your body differently; it's part of your embodied identity. Being sufficiently committed to a physical discipline inevitably develops your character as well in certain ways. This is a sort of "yogic" or mind/body centered mindset. Some people are good at and develop these skills very early in life during childhood; they tend to be the natural athletes. That confidence might not even carry over fully in terms of sexual and social self-esteem, but there is still something there. That is attractive, though that alone won’t make me attracted to someone. It’s just one of many attractive traits. Natural but strong and agile body types are more attractive, overall. Strength and the physique as a result of DOING are also more attractive and interesting overall to me, because they live life. Like "farm boy" strength. Doesn't even necessarily have to "look strong" either. Training for aesthetics on the side is no real issue though. But then, people of similar ethos tend to flock together. Personally, I'm not naturally athletic or hardy at all; it's all learned, and I'm STILL susceptible to overuse injuries, so a self-numbing "no pain no gain" mentality is a quick route to chronic pain and injuries. My only real skill growing up was flexibility, lol. Some people's bodies and joints are built like a tank though. Still, I appreciate both people who have these traits naturally and those who work extremely hard to have some sort of athleticism.

Boiling it will at least get rid of live pathogens, so there's that, but doesn't address anything you can't kill. My mom still boils her tap water and drinks it warm or lukewarm; I think it's a Chinese thing. Having done this overseas (including to cook), personally, no one I've known has gotten sick from that, including myself. I'm pretty sensitive myself, but I don't have long-term experience with consuming boiled tap water (mainly in Hong Kong). Quality is not great compared to what I'm used to here in BC/ Canada, but that's generally going to be the case anywhere else.

How does the tap water where you live rank worldwide? I used to be skeeved out about drinking tap water in general, but then... I've travelled to various countries mostly growing up, and had way worse quality water, including mountain spring filtered and treated water or whatever, so....

Rinse, soak, or sprout. Or do all! Consider soaking overnight (8+ hours), or even longer (24+ hours). I find that cooking slowly at a low temperature helps as well. I usually rinse and soak, and then cook in a rice cooker on the brown rice mode. It makes it a lot easier to digest in my experience. Make sure that it's not too hard or crunchy when you're done with it. (Though in my experience, if you soak it for a while, it never is.) Also, it might be helpful to eat small amounts (e.g. add 1/4th a cup or less to your meal) to get your gut used to it, and then slowly increase the amount you add. (source: my partner has colitis and has had trouble with a lot of legumes, foods with fibre, etc.) I know this might be too much prep for many people, but it really does help a lot with digestion IME. Also: for what it's worth, eating lentils Indian style might help as well. Garam masala spices, plus ginger and turmeric, might help sufficiently with digestion and absorption.

For a long time, in many different cultures, being a "witch" (whether this was actually true or not) or a childless, unmarried spinster type was NOT a compliment, and could get you in a lot of trouble too. Your life and livelihood would be at risk. People have also had a hard time conceptualizing the value of a woman who does not lean heavily into her feminine charms (sexualized or otherwise), and who has no interest in either reproducing or centering themselves around the caretaker role. It's a double-outcast role, in that way. Also, we stopped housing the feminine in an institutionally-sanctioned (in both church and state), feminine-centered way, a very long time ago. For most of human history, really. How could a woman carving out her own space within an unwelcoming, masculinized framework not be an exception rather than a rule? For example, there were some very prolific female Christian nuns and mystics. (Hildegard Von Bingen was super famous in her day, and only became well known again around the turn of the turn of the century for her music, writings, and visions. Perhaps in that order.) Do you know how much she had to put herself down as a woman to get taken seriously during her lifetime for her visions? That was her "foot in the door", so to speak. It takes something extra to have masculine-identifying and centered people survive in a feminine-centered world as well, FYI. Let alone thrive. Not sure why this surprises anyone.

I'm not much into crystal healing and whatnot, but Moldavite has a very special vibe! Very high energy. Apparently, a lot of it is fake though. I've come to appreciate the washed-out moss green colour more over the years.

Local chains only, or Canadian A&W.