mr_engineer
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Posts posted by mr_engineer
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On 6/6/2024 at 4:47 AM, Ben2204 said:Hi everyone I'm new here. I would like to have your advice. I'm a 23 year old guy and I've always been rejected by women. Only rejections, ghosting so far. I've had women who were interested in me before but I did exactly the same thing to them that other women did to me. So I punished innocent women for the behavior of other women. I feel like most women are horrible and unfair to me. I am in a state of hatred towards them. I want to have sexual and romantic relationships with them but I also want revenge for everything they did to me.
How to stop feeling resentful towards women? How can we appreciate them despite their behavior?
First of all, understand that it is okay to not be okay with things that women do. If you think 'I'm not okay with women doing this thing, this is where women are unfair to men', that's okay. The 'resentment' is a perception of unfairness and it is justified when you are, in fact, being treated unfairly.
Now, here's the tricky part - nobody cares. That's not okay either, but saying this doesn't change the fact that nobody cares.
The question is - how much are you willing to care about women's issues? Because until you do that, they're not going to care about your issues. You literally will not meet women who care about your issues.
Now, the tricky part with this is - what if you're not willing to care about other people's issues?
Then you're on your own in a dog-eat-dog world. You just have to 'build yourself up by your bootstraps' until you're in a relatively good place in life, then you can start caring about other people. Then you can start to change any of this.
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I'd say moreso a fear of commitment.
If you want to find out whether you have a fear of intimacy or not, think about the conversations you have with girls after sex. Are you able to connect with them? Do you feel safe telling them how you're feeling? If yes, you're fine on the intimacy-front.
Commitment is an entirely different ballgame, though. There, you have to figure out the kind of relationship you want, what role you'd play, what would it take to be competent in that role, and where you currently stand on that front. And, your 'anxiety' could simply be about how she could react if you told her the reality of your level of competence in playing your role in the relationship. What will she do? Will she be a part of your journey of developing competence in relationships, or will she leave for someone better?
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4 hours ago, Chadders said:@mr_engineer for the detachment this is advantageous in the attraction stage so I don’t mean in an actual relationship
So for sociopaths yeh they have an easy time hitting on women because they do not have the same emotional connectivity though in relationships I can only assume they cannot connect at that deeper more spiritual level
I say to detach not by numbing myself but by being more connected with the divine so I do not need though I may only want the material goodies of life, the experiences etc
Heal childhood-traumas that make you take rejection personally.
Rejection will never stop hurting, no matter how 'detached' you become. But, if your traumas don't get triggered, moving on will become easier.
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Detachment will make you more successful, not because you will be a better option for women if you're detached, but because individual women become mere numbers to you. And you can be more efficient at playing the numbers game, you can break women's hearts without batting an eye.
I don't believe it's possible to be 'detached' and 'healthy' at the same time. To be 'healthy' in relationships, means to own and accept your (and other people's) attachment-relationship needs and to find a workable configuration. I would strongly advise against being 'detached' with women. Even if you get laid, you won't have an exit-strategy from the player-lifestyle if you truly become detached.
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@Consept Out of all the girls you come across on an everyday basis, how do you choose whom to approach? What's the ultimate goal here?
And, what are we trying to get better at? What is the KPI of our so-called 'game'?!
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4 minutes ago, Leo Gura said:People have different goals when it comes to dating.
Whatever makes you satisfied.
The methods of game don't tell you what your goals should be. That's on you.
So, the choice of method doesn't depend on the goal?
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@Consept Should I want to approach every woman I come across on the street? To 'get good at approaching'? Or, should I be allowed to pick and choose?
If I'm not actually interested in her, there never really were any stakes on the approach to begin with, right?!
I understand doing 1-2 practice approaches. But thousands is an absolutely ridiculous number.
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10 hours ago, thenondualtankie said:Why the fuck do you care?
Because you're not approaching. All you're doing is analysing it.
Let's say, you go to a church. They give you a prayer, that you have to chant for a thousand times every day.
Would you just blindly do it?! Or, would you be asking yourself 'Why should I do this?'
Also, if you ask the priest 'Why?', they say 'Why do you care?! You're not chanting!'
So, am I supposed to be passionate about chanting the prayer?! Am I supposed to be passionate about approaching itself?! Or, are we supposed to just grind through it, no matter how much it sucks?!
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@Leo Gura What does 'success' even mean in this context? Surely you've gotta have a definition for 'success' to come up with a process to get it.
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If there is no answer to the 'why', this tells me that it's a dogma. Like a church. 'Thou shalt approach thousands of women'.
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5 minutes ago, Raze said:The last point in this article is 'you can become a dating-coach if you do this!'
Is this what this is?! A pyramid-scheme?! 'Get good at approaching women, so that you can teach other guys to get good at approaching women!'
Where does this all lead to? What is the point of doing it? And, why thousands?!
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The church of pick-up states 'If thou shalt approach thousands of women, thou shalt get laid'.
Here's my question.
Why thousands? Why not tens, or hundreds, or tens of thousands, or millions? Is there any reason to have this specific order of magnitude of the number of women you should approach?
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On 4/10/2024 at 1:07 PM, Rishabh R said:I have been talking to girls since my 9th standard to know in college. I have experienced rejections and a lot of heartbreak. Does that count as experience? Will they be valuable for me in the future ?
No, it does not count as experience and it won't be valuable in the future. Negative experiences don't have value.
Hindi movies romanticize heartbreak and 'one-sided love' too much. It's total nonsense.
You should focus on rising out of negativity and moving towards positivity. You're in college right now, you're very young, so you have very little opportunity to meet girls. Once you start working, though, you will have your own money and you'll be able to travel and meet a lot more people.
P.S. To everyone else reading, we Indians have a cultural pattern in which we glorify negativity and crappy circumstances and pain and suffering, because it 'makes us grounded/realistic' (cynical). If we tell him that 'negative experiences are valuable', he'll deliberately go out and seek out negative experiences, instead of doing something that'll improve his life!
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Most of your clicks are not going to come because they manually enter the URL into the search-bar. They will be clicks from backlinks and from the links that you share with people.
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6 hours ago, Kid A said:My best friend is a hot woman, and she was beaten up on Friday because she rejected a guy. She woke up in the emergency room with a concussion and stitches in her scalp. The guy who did it got away, just like most guys who commit rape. "Simps" sure didn't help her...
If some pretty girls really are toxic, maybe things like this might help explain?
Simps aren't of any use to hot women where it actually matters. They will just parrot feminist talking-points when it suits them, socially. Or, they will put hot women on a pedestal in social contexts. They don't actually give a shit about women's safety! But, it's very easy to play women when you parrot feminist talking-points.
They will only be seen to us when we say something like 'Women need men to protect them because the average man is physically bigger and stronger than the average woman'. There, they'll be like 'REEE!!! Equality!! Women can do everything a man can do!!' And the problem is that women lap up this rhetoric, until something like this happens. Then, the 'you go girl' simps are nowhere to be seen!
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17 hours ago, Princess Arabia said:So now you're suggesting for him to hate on simps. Now it'll be two sets of people we have to constantly hear about from him on the forum. Let him stick to hating on only pretty women, maybe he'll tire of it one day.
Let's say you've gone through some traumatic shit. Now, self-blame is a common coping-mechanism when that happens. And, the 'take responsibility' rhetoric often-times reinforces this issue.
To break a cycle of self-blame, you have to blame others for your problems. You have to 'put the blame where it belongs', so to speak. In the short-term situation, someone else is to blame. Of course, in the grand scheme of things, this blame-game is pointless and it doesn't matter who is to blame, now fixing it is your responsibility. But, to get to that point, you have to get the facts straight relative to the short-term situation.
I don't know about you, but I would rather hate someone else than hate myself. If OP is going to publicly own that they hate some group of people, they think it's the right thing to do. Meaning, they think that the only alternative is to hate themselves. Now, the problem here, is that if you're going to hate the wrong group of people, those who aren't actually to blame for your short-term issues, you will get stuck. So, in my opinion, it helps to give some perspective on who is to blame and where the high-leverage points are in this whole equation. Then, you can direct your negative energy to constructive ends, as opposed to destructive ends.
17 hours ago, Princess Arabia said:He won't hate on simps anyway because that's not who he's trying to get laid with.
If I could snap my fingers and get him to stop hating people, I would. But, I can't do that.
And, he is trying to get laid with hot women. So, hating them is counterproductive.
But, if you see who the real problem is (the simps who enable the pedestalization of hot women), you can do something about that. You can stop following IG models, you can quit porn, you can stop thinking with your dick around hot women. You can channel your sexual-energy towards constructive ways.
And, for the record, I did say that his problem is not with women, it's with simps.
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Just now, Thought Art said:Do you think that generally, people man or woman should be treated with respect?
Well, we're not talking about me here, we're talking about OP. And, if he wants to be sexist, that's his choice.
What we can do, though, is point out that it's not productive and what would be a more productive way of solving his problems. (And not just our projection of what 'his problems' are, actually looking at his definition of 'his problems with women' and showing him the solutions)
5 minutes ago, Thought Art said:I see what you mean. Perhaps these women think they are above men, perhaps because so many men are in their DMs etc, and simps prop up their egos. Also, there is some toxic female culture that exists. You are right this should also be addressed.
How do you know what women really think of themselves?
I have met women, who think they are above me and I know the pain that exists in these situations. I have been angry towards women as well, and I have made similar mistakes.
However, I know that the man I am, the man I am becoming doesn't need to attack, demonize or turn them into enemies.
Again, when it comes to working with women... being playful, light hearted, being grounded in your centre, coming from a place of abundance, etc... Women are naturally attracted to these things.
Do we need to punish these women for having an ego? No.
Don't hurt them. If you aren't attracted to them that is fine.
But, you are a man. Not a fucking child who throws tantrums.
Obviously, women aren't the problem. No matter how toxic they get, we shouldn't blame them for our problems.
OP does have some aggression, though. If channeled in the right direction, it would actually get him somewhere!
It does pay him to see that these rules have been set by simps. And that simps suck with women! So, the question arises - how should you treat women? And, who should be given the right to answer this question?
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33 minutes ago, Thought Art said:What does simps have to do with HIS mind? His hate? His thoughts? His pain? His perception?
Nothing at all.
There is a social reality, that when you get into a fight with a hot woman, the hot woman will win. Why? She has simps siding with her.
This can make it seem like hot women have all the power in the world. When, in reality, it's the simps enabling it.
If you find a way to hold the simps accountable, you won't be so intimidated by hot women.
37 minutes ago, Thought Art said:I see beyond their nightmares, their conflicts, their poor behaviour and I see God in them. Their goodness. I meet myself and others with forgiveness.
It’s not the simps, it’s not Hot women. It’s his mind, his thoughts, what he has learned, his inner conflict, his fear, his lack of self image, self worth and self love.
Luckily, all of that can be worked on.
These interactions likely aren’t as they were. His story telling and perception is distorting what actually happened, and what an appropriate response is.
If you need to attack, yell, ridicule, punch, do harm, be aggressive, etc… your way way off the mark and it’s a true sign you are living in a nightmare.Something's probably happened in his past and the point of the aggression is to defend against that thing happening in the future.
What I am trying to get him to see, is that a lot of the rules around 'you should treat women with respect' and 'put women on a pedestal' and stuff like that have not been set by women themselves. They've been set by simps!! So, if you have an issue with following these rules, your fight is not against hot women, it's against simps.
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@bebotalk Your problem is not with hot women. It's with the simps who suck up to these hot women. They are who you have real danger from. Without simps, hot women have no power to hurt you.
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32 minutes ago, Emerald said:In this case, what I mean by love is a relationship between two people based on a deep feeling of bondedness that has grown over time… and where people’s lives have grown intertwined with one another over time.
So, is this relationship the cause of love or the effect of love? Or, is it 'love' in and of itself?
32 minutes ago, Emerald said:But the issue with your questions is that you’re trying to make love fit into your current paradigm about male/female dynamics. And love can’t fit into that paradigm at all.
That is my entire question. What is the right paradigm within which love can fit in?
32 minutes ago, Emerald said:Lao Tzu said, “If you want to gain knowledge, add things every day. But if you want to gain wisdom, remove things every day.”
You’ll have to embrace the “not knowing” to open yourself up beyond your current paradigm… which might feel scary.
I'm asking questions! What more do you want me to do to open myself beyond my current paradigm?!
32 minutes ago, Emerald said:I sense that you ask all these questions to try to get maximum assurance so as not to get hurt. But it’s that very tendency that will keep you from opening up and connecting,
To be completely honest with you, I have to know what I'm signing up for when I 'open up and connect' with people.
The reality of our world is that people use our vulnerabilities against us. And what helps them sleep at night doing this, is that they're doing it 'out of love'. The most abusive individuals on the planet think they're doing what they're doing 'out of love'. So, this is a very important conversation.
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24 minutes ago, Emerald said:Me saying that you have to experience it is a means of me trying to get you out of rationalizing mode.
I cannot explain to you what must be directly experienced nor would it be helpful.
There are multiple authority-figures giving multiple definitions of 'love'.
Maybe our parents say that 'love is the self-sacrifice we do for you'. Or, rom-coms say that 'love is a positive feeling-state towards someone'. Or, religion says that 'love is the desire to do good for your fellow humans'. Or, non-duality says that 'love is the realization of Oneness'.
All of these definitions refer to different 'direct experiences'.
So, what's your definition?
26 minutes ago, Emerald said:If you wanted to learn how to play basketball, you could read every book and figure out every technical understanding of the physics of it intellectually.
But no amount of rational understanding will help you learn how to play basketball. You have to actually play basketball.
So, you're talking about 'love' as a noun or a verb? This sounds like a verb to me.
26 minutes ago, Emerald said:Likewise, understanding love on a rational/intellectual level won’t help you develop this kind of connection.
The problem at hand is that the process of understanding love on a rational/intellectual level has already begun with the different types of conditioning we have about it from different sources. Everyone has a different definition of it.
29 minutes ago, Emerald said:My best advice is to let go of the need to know what love is intellectually and instead focus on developing warmth and connecting with other people (women and men) on a friendly level.
Then, after you get used to connecting, this will set the stage for you to connect in a more romantic way.
So, love is 'friendliness'? Why does friendzoning happen, then?
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Keep in mind that we're trying to solve the shame-problem here. So, when you're saying 'you won't understand it until you experience it', that's not very helpful to them.
And, if you don't want to help solve this problem, what was the point of talking about it in the OP to begin with?
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@Emerald I don't even know what you mean by 'love'.
Let's start there. What is 'love'?
in Dating, Sexuality, Relationships, Family
Posted
For example, here's one place where the way men are treated could improve.
When men say 'this is not okay', people associate this with their own dictatorial father-figures doing something similar. So, they will project their daddy-issues onto you and tell you that 'you have an ego, and that's bad'. This is why people have no issue telling men that they have an ego. As a result, having boundaries in and of itself is becoming more and more taboo for men, which is making the world more and more dangerous for men.
Pay very close attention to your rationalizations of 'oh, he has an ego' and 'oh, he's had negative experiences and this is warping his perception, because he has an ego' when you read this. I'm calling this out right here.