Psychotic Break While Cross Faded (Weed And Alcohol)

[Spideymon77]

Hello. I’m writing this down because I need to get this out of my system. I’ve decided to share this with you in case someone else is stuck like me and also because I think the story is a bit entertaining. This happened two days ago and I still can’t stop thinking about it. I put this under the 'Psychedelics' category because all these thoughts stemmed from the weed I smoked.

In this story, you might think I’m acting weird. This is because I have bipolar disorder with psychotic features. I’m used to psychotic breaks so I already had experience with it beforehand. Anyway, on with the story.

I was with a friend and her two other friends. We’ll call them G and B and my friend will be called F. It was F’s birthday and we all hung out at night. We shared supernatural stories together and had some drinks. They were smoking weed but I didn’t smoke with them. I know what happens when I smoke weed so I decided not to.

After a while things were going so well, I wanted to smoke with them. I figured since I felt so good, I might as well. We were smoking outside since G didn’t want the house to smell like weed. (We live in a legal state and smoked in the backyard.)

I only had 4 or maybe 5 hits from a bong that smoked cleaner than I’d ever smoked before. I don’t think I coughed because of how clean it was. For some reason, I felt panic kick in. Not even a minute after my 4th or 5th hit, I could already tell I made a mistake. Then, out of nowhere, a wave of comfort hit me. I felt like this was going to be a good trip and even considered smoking in the future. This did not last however because I began to lose all context of the conversations we were having. That hasn’t happened since I first got psychosis and didn’t have a clue what was going on. The panic kicked in again.

Imagine if someone told you a roast was cooking in the oven. They’d say something like, “The roast is in the oven.” Under psychosis the context switches and all of the sudden they’re talking about how everyone around you is in Hell. The roast being everyone and the oven being Hell. They aren’t LITERALLY saying everyone is in Hell, but the context makes it so that they are.

The context of the conversation was changing rapidly. It was as if I had broken the fabric of space time and now the only real conversation that was happening was the random context switches happening in my mind. At first, it was just a normal conversation, then the context changed and they were talking about my psychosis without saying it to my face. Then, F was talking about her high, though I don’t know exactly what she said. It felt like she was explaining to me why reality was so weird. She explained that we’re all just here to get high and that’s it, there’s nothing more to life than getting high. In hindsight, she might’ve just been talking about how much of a stoner she is.

The good news is, I didn’t break character. At least not noticeably. I knew that the context switches weren’t a part of reality, so I followed along with the conversations as if they were real conversations and not rapidly switching context. I was already familiar with this form of psychosis. There were a couple times I couldn’t keep up but I brought myself together and acted as if everything was normal.

The problem with this is that I believe in an infinite multiverse. The context switches were different universes communicating with each other. Although I still knew the context in our reality didn't change, the context in my reality was changing. This was bad.

I decided to leave the group and go inside. I sat on the couch and put on some music but it wasn’t helping. I then heard them talking outside, explaining different ways they wanted to kill me. I knew these were just auditory hallucinations so I turned the music louder but still heard them talking. Finally, I started believing they were actually trying to kill me so I turned the music off to try to listen in. Once the music was off however, it was complete silence. I realized then that I was right, they were just auditory hallucinations.

The group came back inside and then I started going on a loop about how our emotions change and no emotion lasts forever. I will always have changing emotions and I can never be happy forever. I was saddened and mortified by this realization. I kept repeating it in my head.

After a while of this, it got really late so everyone went to bed. Once everyone was sleeping, I kept waking up and going back to sleep. I might have still been going through psychosis but I can’t really remember exactly what happened during this point.

Two days pass and I start doing a meditation session. I rarely meditate but I had a feeling it was the most important thing to do right now. During this meditation session, I kept thinking about my bad trip and how the context of the conversations kept switching. I realized that all conversations are about context. The moment my brain said the context was about my psychosis, even though my psychosis was never directly or indirectly mentioned, the entire conversation changed. I realized that context was subjective. Lots of people read into other people’s words, even though those people might not mean what the other person thinks they mean. I then started thinking about my emotions. My emotions were subjective as well. They also relied on context.

I thought about my mom and how I think she has bipolar disorder just like I do. I then realized that I only have experiences with her that are entirely subjective to me. I thought about how I wanted to fix everyone in my life, including my mother, but my “fixes” for them were entirely subjective. I then realized that the fixes I had for myself were subjective as well. Saying I needed fixing was subjective and saying that I didn’t need fixing was subjective. I then started thinking about the idea of ‘myself’. The idea of me is entirely subjective. This body being ‘my body’ is also subjective. This body isn’t mine, it was gifted to me from the universe. Even the idea of ‘I’ is subjective.

All these realizations started making me feel better about my trip and myself as a human being. I remembered my friend, F, and understood she had the same condition as me. I wondered if she had a good trip or not. 

I opened my eyes for a moment while I was being bombarded with these thoughts. Even the room I’m in is subjective. This isn’t actually ‘my’ room, it’s just a room. I don’t own this room, I simply live in it and call it ‘mine’.

 

I’m feeling a lot better now and I don’t think I should trip again. It’s wonderful realizing the subjectivity of everything for the first time in my life but it all stemmed from those agonizing hours under psychosis. Anyways, thank you for reading.

[Arcangelo]

17 hours ago, Spideymon77 said:

we’re all just here to get high and that’s it, there’s nothing more to life than getting high.

I like your friend F. She is a master of life.

18 hours ago, Spideymon77 said:

I thought about how I wanted to fix everyone in my life, including my mother, but my “fixes” for them were entirely subjective. I then realized that the fixes I had for myself were subjective as well. Saying I needed fixing was subjective and saying that I didn’t need fixing was subjective. I then started thinking about the idea of ‘myself’. The idea of me is entirely subjective. This body being ‘my body’ is also subjective. This body isn’t mine, it was gifted to me from the universe. Even the idea of ‘I’ is subjective.

^Progress

18 hours ago, Spideymon77 said:

thank you for reading.

Thanks for sharing!