I dove into this pretty deeply during a recent mushroom trip that was centered around my own integration of Stage Purple. I came to the conclusion that I was unconsciously (and probably consciously) setting impossible standards for my Tribe (my family and friends). When they inevitably failed to meet those standards, I used it as an excuse to withdraw from those relationships.
Obviously this might not be the reason for everyone, but being aware of how the expectations you have for relationships are influencing your own behaviour in those relationships can be a good first step.
I feel that gratitude for what we do have is important too. Spending some time to consider the positives of our relationships can help motivate us to reach out for support from our Tribe. We are less focused on everything they can't give us, and are more focused on what they can.
Existential Kink by Carolyn Elliott is a powerful shadow work technique that can help you quickly shift the challenging situations of your life.
I have written a detailed post under Self-Help Product & Book Reviews. I hope this doesn't violate forum rules. I just don't want anyone to miss this amazing work.
Here it is:
Many of us are interested in Shadow Work.
Until Leo decides to publish an episode sharing his knowledge on the topic, this book (and Carolyn's work in general) is something that I would recommend every one must check out.
Existential Kink (EK) is a powerful shadow work technique taught by Carolyn Elliott. The basic premise that she starts with is, 'Having is the evidence of wanting.' Which means, a part of us deeply desires whatever shitty circumstances, situations, people, patterns etc. we have in our life. Nay, (the part) not just deeply desires but loves them tremendously, gets orgasmic bliss out of them. This part is our Shadow and it's unconscious.
Before you jump up and say there is no part of you that deeply desires these challenging situations, please note that it's unconscious, which means you are not aware of it.
The technique (EK) is about getting on the side of this part and deeply loving, getting off on the situation (and the sensations it causes in your body) that you don't like. This act of loving the Shadow, 'Unites our Will.'
Most of us have divided wills. For example, let's say I want to make money by starting a business. Then, of course, the conscious part loves the idea of making money and being my own boss etc. But on an unconscious level, I might love comfort more; I might have an aversion towards all the hard work, decision making, marketing, learning etc. that is required in order to successfully run a business. This division of will would keep me stuck. I would find myself starting to work on my ideas but after making some progress I would self-sabotage my efforts.
Well, there is actually no self-sabotage! It's just that the Shadow, which loves the comfort, decides to take charge and push her agenda over my conscious intent. This, to my conscious mind, would appear to be so confusing.
'Until you make the unconscious conscious, it will direct your life and you will call it fate.' - Carl Jung
However, if my will was united, I would find myself working effortlessly and joyfully and harmoniously towards my goals, even if I continue to fail or see lack of results.
I wanted to work on my life purpose for a very long time. I 'struggled' for 6 long years to finally start working on it consistently. The pattern was that I would start working on something, then see no results or get tired of all the hard work, and stop working on it. For the first two years, I tried and failed many times and then stopped trying. It felt like I met a dead end. Thus, I started working towards getting a job. It took me around a year to prepare and get done with the process of getting a job in a bank. I worked there for three years.
I recently quit my job in order to work on my Life Purpose. I was living on my own when I was in the job, in a different city. When I quit the job, I moved in with my parents. It's been around 2.5 months since this move.
I got to know about EK around three years ago through Carolyn's blog, around the time I started preparing for the job. But back then, the book wasn't published. So even though I tried and did see good results with the technique, I wasn't able to do it properly and consistently. A few months ago, the book was published and I was quite excited about it. I pre-ordered it and received an EK guided meditation as a gift, too. Lucky me!
So when I returned home and started working on my Life Purpose, I also started practicing EK consistently.
And man, did everything shift so quickly!
I started with the practice by loving the pain of having this, 'start and stop' pattern. As I continued to love this pain, I discovered a deeper unconscious pain of being a burden on my parents. I discovered a part of me that deeply loves being dependent on my parents. I was totally unconscious of its existence. If someone had pointed this out to me, I would have shrugged it off as something so stupid. Consciously, I have not a tinge of desire to be dependent on my parents. Of course, it is quite taboo for a grown up to be dependent on one's parents. But the 'inner child' loves it anyway.
The result is guilt and shame. Guilt and shame keeps us stuck. Which is what was happening with me.
I have been doing EK on this pain and it has significantly dissolved. I have been working my ass off on my life purpose and LOVING the process. I work for hours in FLOW.
PLEASE NOTE that EK practice is not all roses. It's the very opposite of that. It's like going through deep shit and not minding it. For example, I don't mind being a burden on my parents for the rest of my life. You can imagine how hard it is to accept and love an idea like that. On the other hand, there is so much freedom in being able to love myself so deeply. This freedom unlocks so much energy to work on my conscious intentions.
I know I have written such a long post but I want to get across the power of EK as accurately as I can. It is LIFE CHANGING.
I wish you a profound life.
Warning: You might find Carolyn's personality a bit weird (she calls herself a witch). However, be as open minded as you can about studying her work.