LostStudent

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Everything posted by LostStudent

  1. I've read a few journals by others here and I can see some value in having one. I'm not in a very good place mentally right and I've been feeling really depressed these past few months. I think having a place where I can record and reflect on my thoughts and feelings can do me some good. Maybe someday I'll look back at this journal and laugh because I'll be in a much better place. I'm not too sure how often I'll post on here but I'm aiming for a few times a week. If you're reading this please feel free to comment and add your perspective to my thoughts! I woke up at around 7 AM today and the first thing I did was facetime with my sister who's living out of the country at the moment so I started the day feeling quite lonely. After that I did some cardio on my treadmill for around 45 minutes and followed that up with some breakfast, that made me feel a little better but that feeling didn't really last too long. I didn't have much planned today besides grocery shopping and some household chores so it was a pretty uneventful day. I finished grocery shopping and my chores before noon so I spent the rest of my afternoon browsing this website and reading. After I finished dinner my friend called me and we had a pretty lengthy chat about life and her plans for the future. We've been friends for a long time but I really wonder what value she finds in our friendship. She seems like she has her life together and meanwhile mine is a trainwreck haha. I'm really envious of her but I'm glad to have her as a friend because it gives me a glimpse into what it's like to be happy. I've noticed lately that when it starts getting dark outside I start getting anxious and depressed, everything just feels heavy. Is this a common thing? I usually only drink a glass of wine or something like that when I'm at a restauarant but lately I've been drinking more when I'm alone, I find it helps calm my nerves. I like this feeling because it helps me relax and things slow down a bit. I just need to be more mindful of how much I drink because I think I've had enough to consider myself drunk tonight. It's taken me a rediculous amount of time to write this whole thing out and I'm pretty sure I don't normally type this slow haha. I realize that it's probably not the best idea to treat my mood with alcohol but for now it's kind of a band-aid fix. I will have to deal with all my issues at some point but I just don't know where to start and I feel like I don't have the energy. I recently discovered discovered this website and the youtube channel so I'm hoping the content on here will be insightful and provide me with different perspectives. My head is spinning a bit and I want to lie down so I think I'll end it here. Good night!
  2. @Gesundheit I'm struggling. I've been pretty down these past few days and it feels like I'm spiraling down further and further into a pit of sadness. I feel like I have no energy and I spent all day in bed today. Hopefully things will get better, I don't know what's wrong with me.
  3. I am an awful human being.
  4. I've gotten a bit better at sitting still during meditation, my mind still wanders like crazy sometimes but I try my best to bring my attention back to my breath when this happens. I enjoy the brief moments of silence even though my meditation sessions is chaotic the majority of the time. One thing that's helped me with my loneliness these past few days is spending more time with my cat. My cat usually hates it when I hold him for too long but he's been tolerating it more lately, maybe he can sense that I'm lonely. Sometimes when I meditate my cat will lay on my lap, he's probably just resting but I like to believe that he's also focusing on his breath and staying in the present moment in his cat consciousness. Things have been going great with the friend that I met last week, we chat quite often and it's really nice having someone to talk to, I couldn't ask for a better friend. He hasn't shown any physical interest in me yet and I was considering making the first move, ultimately I decided against it because he genuinely seems interested in me and I don't want to ruin a good friendship if he doesn't feel the same way. Lately I've also tried to schedule my days better to keep myself busier. I noticed that my feelings of loneliness come more frequently when I have a lot of free time so I'm trying to pack my days full of productive activities. Things like exercising, cooking, and cleaning help keep me busy and it feels nice to unwind after a busy day.
  5. @Gesundheit I've tried but I haven't reached any clear answer. It depends how intense the feeling is during meditation, if it's not that intense I can just bring my attention back to my breath, if it's more intense I may end up crying and cutting my meditation session short. That sounds interesting, I haven't been able to reach those levels of clarity yet. I don't have good answers to most of these questions right now, loneliness feels bad to me and it feels like most of my actions are attempts to do what I think feels good. Things like cuddling my cat, talking to my friends, eating food, sex, and listening to music, make me feel good so I use them to try and tip my loneliness scale.
  6. @dflores321 I'm the same way and I don't even watch porn. It could be different for you but I think the root cause for why my mind is clouded by sexual thoughts is my low self-esteem and my desire for constant attention/affection.
  7. @Gesundheit Thanks for the tip. I've been trying to do this more lately and I can see why it might help. Some days are better than others but I'm gradually getting used to sitting still for so long.
  8. Pretty solid last few days. I changed my schedule around and started meditating after I wake up, it feels better meditating at the start of my day rather than in the middle. I'm still having trouble sitting still for 30 minutes but some days are easier than others. Not sure about the significance of this but something I've noticed is that my thoughts during meditation correlate to how I'm feeling in that moment, when I'm hungry I think of food, when I'm bored I think of my hobbies, when I'm lonely I think of my friends, when I'm horny I think of sex, etc. I haven't noticed any benefits post meditation but for now I'm glad that I have the 30 minutes to relax after I wake up. I ran into one of my old classmates while I was out for a run, we were pretty close when we shared that class but we didn't talk much outside of school, I remember finding him quite attractive and charming. We talked for a bit to catch up and he was just as charming as I remembered, I was delighted when he asked me for my number so we could hang out sometime. I feel good chemistry between us and I also see this as a win-win scenario, I'll be happy whether we remain friends or if something more meaningful developes between us. I think he's quite attractive and I hope he feels the same way about me because this could be a good opportunity for me to experience some intimacy. For now I'm just glad I have a great guy to talk to when I'm lonely.
  9. In the past I didn't have much interest in dating because I was always busy with school and my hobbies (at least that's what I told myself), but I've been really depressed these past few months and it's lead to me changing my mind gradually. I've dated before and it's always been casual but lately I've been craving some kind of deeper emotional and physical support. A healthy relationship to me is one where we can both share all our thoughts and feelings with each other and satisfy each others emotional and physical needs. I've never had a relationship with anyone where I was 100% truthful and talked about all my thoughts and feelings, this includes all my friends and family. The issue is I don't think I'm in a good place mentally right now so I'm wondering if this idea is coming from a good place. I've read about the law of attraction and I'm worried I'll attract the wrong kind of guys because I think my mind if clouded by negative thoughts. I realize that I could be proposing this idea to myself because I want an easy fix to all my issues, but at the same time I've been lonely these past few months and I feel like a healthy relationship can do me some good. I'm kind of torn between the two right now and I would appreciate some different perspectives. Thanks.
  10. @AtheisticNonduality Ah I see, sorry I got a little confused. Yeah, I'm going to put in more effort in meeting new people. My goal is to meet someone and develope a deeper connection than just friendship but I don't want to set any expectations and my current goal is to just meet new friends.
  11. @Gesundheit I remember learning about Maslow's hierarchy of needs in one of my classes but I forgot about it until now. Thanks for the resource. Aside from reproduction, I have all my physiological and safety needs taken care of. Right now, I would say none of my needs in the love and belonging level are being met and I'm not too sure about the esteem level. I think this is a good idea and this will be my current plan. I'm going to spend more time connecting with my friends and trying to organize ways for us to socialize. In terms of physical intimacy, it may be challenging for me to find someone I would be comfortable starting a serious relationship with so I'm going to try and meet someone I'm attracted to who also shares a few interests with me. From there I'm hoping we can become friends with benefits and satisfy each other's physical needs. I think this kind of scenario would benefit me because I wouldn't have to commit much time into this kind of relationship and if things don't go as smoothly later, we can just part ways.
  12. @AtheisticNonduality Sorry I don't think I understand your euphemism, could you please elaborate? I won't get offended, just be straightforward. Are you saying that in my current state a relationship is me jumping off a cliff and I shouldn't find a high quality one because I'll get hurt either way?
  13. @Gesundheit Can I trust my feelings as a guide in my current state though? Something happened when I was a kid that made me constantly crave attention and approval from my parents because I distinctly remember a time when I wasn't like that. Now that I've moved out and grown older I don't get the same amount of attention and approval from my parents, maybe that's why I want to seek attention and approval through a relationship? The main thing preventing me from seeking a relationship is myself. My feelings tell me that I want to be physically intimate with someone who wants me but since I've been in a depressed state I don't trust myself as much because I don't know if these feelings are coming from a good place. I also think in my current state it would be really easy for me to be manipulated so I'm hesitant for those reasons. Sometimes it feels like I'm just trying to convince myself that a healthy relationship will solve all my problems but other times I feel like having someone in my life who cares about me is all I need. I guess I'm just a bit conflicted. I've been doing this more lately. It helps a bit.
  14. Today was not my best day. I woke up at around 8 with a strong sense of loneliness so I struggled to get out of bed to start the day. I ended up staying in bed for another 4 hours alternating between crying and feeling sad. I got out of bed to shower and have a quick meal at around noon. I tried to meditate for 30 minutes and I had a hard time sitting still, I also noticed that a lot of my thoughts involved me being intimate with someone. I didn't try to supress my thoughts but I didn't feel I was able to fully focus on my breath. My mom called me several times during the afternoon, I didn't feel like I was in a good mental state to talk to her so I just texted her to tell her that I wasn't feeling well. Today wasn't a very productive day, I didn't do much aside from making dinner. I wrestled with the idea of installing tinder to get some kind of physical interaction but I decided against it. I'm hoping tomorrow will be a better day.
  15. @Gesundheit Sorry I just saw your post. I've been trying to meditate for the last 2 days, I had a hard time sitting still for 30 minutes but hopefully I get better at that. I appreciate the tips though. I'm not too sure what you mean by this but I've noticed that I don't understand a lot of what people talk about on here, sometimes it sounds like riddles to me haha.
  16. @Gesundheit I think there's definitely some truth here. School occupied a large portion of my focus during the last few years and now that I'm done I feel like I lost a part of my purpose, it's possible I've always had these issues but I just swept it under my busy schedule. Most of my friends are in committed relationships and I feel jealous because I'm so lonely. When I experience something like the death of someone close to me I get sad and cry, when I cry it usually makes me feel better for a few days until I get sad and cry again. I'll usually repeat the process until I don't get sad enough to cry anymore. When I do this because I'm lonely I feel worse after crying and I also get this sense of helplessness, like I don't know how to feel better. I feel like I have to make some radical changes to my life, I spent 4 hours in bed today just crying and being sad, I really don't like where my life is headed right now. I'll try these things, thanks.
  17. @Gesundheit I was thinking about that but there isn't a clear pattern that I've noticed. I think it could also be a combination of me having more free time now that I've graduated and the loneliness from the lack of human interaction due to covid restrictions. I was thinking about getting tinder today for casual intimacy but I decided against it after some thought, I've never felt these feelings so strongly so it could be hormonal. I agree but I'm just not too sure where to start I guess.
  18. @MrBON I agree to some extent. I haven't been in a lot of relationships and none of them so far have been very serious so my experience is limited, but I've never been "addicted" to someone beyond immense sexual attraction. My inner dialogue in these cases has usually been something like "this guy's hot and he makes me feel good so I wouldn't mind sleeping with him, cool we even share a few interests". It sounds really shallow when I type it out like that but that's where my mind and priorities lie at this stage in my life. This kind of dialogue happens often but it doesn't mean I act on it each time, sometimes I'll see that it's a bad decision and shut it down. It could also be because my random nobody hasn't come yet. I'm not sure but I had a friend like this who got tons of girls, it was probably because he was kind, attractive, and a good football player.
  19. @soos_mite_ah Yeah I see it the same way.
  20. @MrBON I don't think this is necessarily true. I'm unconscious sometimes for why I'm attracted to one person more than another, but once I've established that I'm attracted to someone the decision for how I should proceed isn't usually an unconscious one. Some of those reasons might be personal issues like you mentioned above but the majority of the time I have a clear reason for why I want to remain friends with someone I'm physically attracted to. I'm quite young and I don't even enjoy the same foods I enjoyed last year so a big reason for me is that I feel like I'm putting a good friendship at jeopardy by persuing more if things are going well. Another big reason that I've noticed is that sometimes I'll be sexually attracted to someone and that will lead me to believe that we would be great for each other in a relationship. A funny phrase that I hear my guy friends use for this would be post nut clarity haha. Either way, even if girls are completely unconscious of what attracts them, I'm not saying making moves is bad but I don't think it's as reliable as a old fashioned talk. I'm just drawing from my personal experience when I say that I've missed many moves over the years and maybe it would be easier to do both those things.
  21. @MrBON Oh I see. I agree that if you treat someone like a friend you'll probably end up as friends but I feel like it's so much easier to be straight forward instead of using these moves. Whether you want a relationship or just casual sex, I feel it's better to make your intentions clear so both people can either proceed or move on. I'm personally horrible at flirting so unless guys are coming on really strong or being overly sexual, it's easy for me to misinterpret their flirting as friendly banter. I prefered the guys I encountered in university who asked me flat out if I wanted to being friends with benefits more than the ones who pretended to be my friend for a while before disappearing. I'm never going to tell someone I see as a friend that I'm not romantically interested in them, in my mind we're friends because we both want to be friends. This is different if I'm interested in them. I have plenty of guy friends that I find handsome, smart, and interesting. The reason I'm just friends with them isn't because they didn't make any moves on me, it's because I only want to be friends with them. If there's someone in my life I'm interested in who's handsome, smart, interesting, and they weren't making any moves on me, I would just approach them and ask them if they felt the same way about me. Maybe some girls are too shy to do this but I think you're overthinking a bit here. Keep in mind that this is all based on my personal experiences though, I could easily be wrong.
  22. @MrBON Can you clarify what moves mean in this context?
  23. @Gesundheit Sorry, maybe I worded that poorly. The physical support that I crave would be hugs, cuddling, holding hands, and sex. I get plenty of sleep and exercise every day and I eat pretty healthy. I feel a significant amount of discomfort regarding my lifestyle directed towards my career choice and lack of human interaction though. You're probably right. I'm so desperate for physical affection and it's probably a trainwreck waiting to happen. I'll check out your links. Thanks.
  24. @hamedsf @No Self Yeah I think both of you are probably right.
  25. My family and the people around me have always preached "no pain no gain" and "bitter before the sweet". All my life I've worked hard to excel and overachieve in school, hobbies, and other facets of my life. I've always been able to self-motivate myself to perform well for things like school by convincing myself that even if I don't enjoy the course, I'll definitely enjoy the result as well as the praise from my family and peers. These past few years I've found myself numb to that praise and affirmation, it's been my drug of choice for all my life and now it feels like I've built a tolerance to it, I can't get enough for a "high" anymore. I recently graduated at the top of my university program and I have a job lined up that most people would consider high paying and sought after. I'm just wondering when I'll experience the "sweet" because it doesn't feel like I've achieved anything. Do I just have a messed up temperament? All my peers and family look up to me but it's honestly so laughable, if they felt what I felt I doubt they'd feel this way. It honestly pisses me off when people are envious of me because there's no way they'd want what I have. I've never had thoughts of suicide in the past but lately right before I fall asleep I have a thought that I wouldn't mind if I didn't wake up the next day. The idea seems so peaceful to me, it would be like before you were born, no pain, no suffering. I guess I'm just on here to see what kind of perspectives people have of my life. I realize that I'm the one causing this as well as the one suffering from this but I struggle to even envision a better version of myself, beyond that she would be happier.