Barbara

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Posts posted by Barbara

  2. Posted

    I wouldn't advise you to feed those revenge thoughts. 

    Feeding them would only make them bigger. It's counterintuitive since you feel like acting on them, but they'll never go away if you do so.

    In my opinion, you should let them rise and face them. In any circumstance repress them. But don't let them operate in shadow. Meaning, be conscious of every single one of the thoughts you have towards this girl. Write them if needed. Then, after bringing them to the light, face them. Take responsibility. For this part, I always remember Buda's words. "If someone offers you a gift and you decline to accept it to whom then does it belong?" So disidentify with the person who that girl hurt. Cultivate self-love here. Don't let others shape your day nor decide what you are. 

    Accept the past and work for the future. 

    With the knowledge you had, you did the best you could. If this is not enough for you, learn more to grow yourself and prevent something like this happens to you again. Learn about self love, self esteem, self image, meditation, how to be present, how to be unbothered by other people's behaviors. Suffering is an amazing window to growth. 

    Warm regards

  6. Posted

    2 hours ago, mmKay said:

    Developing a strong work ethic.

    Understanding and mastering HABITS.

    Understanding Motivation, Leverage, Accountability.

    Understanding and embodying discipline.

    Strong morning routine.

    I would add internal/introspective concepts too.

    Responsabilization,
    Honesty with self,
    Self-love, acceptance, forgiveness,
    Understanding emotions, emotional intelligence,
    Relativism,
    Metacognition (it's important to move on from these two, but super intense for the foundation),
    Meditation.

    And some others along these lines

  8. Posted

    Stop using an alarm clock.

    I wake up every day at the same hour and never use an alarm clock.

    It's easy to build this habit in a week. Here's some tips:

    Day 1, 2, 3...: Actually waking up early it's all about the day before. So the day before go to sleep insanely early, give yourself like 10 hours to sleep. Exemple:

    Wake up time: 8 am

    Go to bed: 10 pm

    Maybe you'll actually even use those 10 hours. But it's ok. Let it be. I just recommend you start on a weekend. 

    (If you feel it's too early to sleep, just do some relaxation technics like drinking lavender or camomile tea, some stretching, relaxing every member of the body when lied down, detach from every thought while focusing on being relaxed, etc.)

    From day 4 and on, you'll realize that you'll need less and less sleep. You'll naturally start sleeping just the amount of sleep your body needs. From here, you can start adjusting. Notice how many hours you've been naturally sleeping (for example 8h) and start going to bed 8 hours before the time you wanna wake up. So if you wanna wake up at 6 am, go to bed at 10 pm :)

    Hope it works for you!

     

     

  10. Posted · Edited by Barbara

    @_Archangel_ Responsabilization is key in this process indeed. I've been working on brutal responsibilization too. Actually, one thing leads to another.

    By taking responsibility, as you said, you'll then take the lead, then give a direction to your life, then stop being sucked by others agenda, then you're no longer a passive raisin. Doing this is a counter identity process tho and others, who have expectations for you may not like it. I had to let go of almost all my friendships because of this too. But I'm happy about it since it leads me to greater self consonance. It's the best thing I can do too.

    Best wishes to you 

     

  13. Posted

    I wanted to share some insights I had about being a people pleaser. 

    In 2019 I've met a monk. He guided retreaters in a Vipassana center. I didn't like him at first. I was used to "spiritual" people in the occident being noticeable nice. And he was kinda rough, always neutral.

    Two years later, I've never forgotten him and after all, his love strikes me still, on different levels every time. What I've learned from here is that true love is deeply rooted and the act of deliberately trying to show it is already losing a little bit of it. The focus should be on simply loving and not showing. And love ultimately is, for me, an intrinsic and deep wish of good to others. I experienced this on him. It's almost an awakening experience to feel it, since he loves me, not because I'm Barbara, or because I was a retreatant, or because I'm human. Actually reminds me also about what I really am. Everything. You, Leo, God.

    Lately, I've been working on stop being a people pleaser and this thought, among some others, helped me a lot. "Love" or kindness is what I think I'm showing when pleasing others above me, but love is wishing them the best. I strongly believe that the best way to help others is to work on yourself. So, being a people pleaser is looking at the world in a scarce and attached way, imagining that others need anything more than your inner work. So fix your perception of what love is and people pleasing will go away ;) 

    What do you think?

  16. Posted

    I relate to this very much :) If you're really close, like talk to them daily or so, try talking less and less gradually. If you have a chat group or habits together, start missing them also gradually. Like only answer every two days, and then every tree, and every five and so on. As much as it costs face that you have to grow apart from them. But you'll still deeply care and love them. Show them that every time you talk to them.
    Warm regards

     

  22. Posted

    Yes, she seems really childish. I don't even know if she would really understand if you told her how you feel. But here's what I suggest. If you really like this girl, and want to be with her, try and talk to her. Explain to her what you said here about how those gestures were genuine and made you feel vulnerable. It's normal, especially at the beginning of the relationship that the other does things we don't like. But you have to communicate it to her.

    On the other hand, if you don't think it's worth it, to talk to her because she wouldn't understand, or so, then probably you'll break up at some point, even if not for this thing. 

    So basically, take action here. To a direction or another. Weight how much you like her and if she's worthy of your time and energy, figure things out. Explain your position to her. If you're really really honest and open, I guess she'll understand and be sorry. But if you think she's not worth it, then move on.