Okay alright where do I start this? I actually don't know where to start. There are so many things to say and think about. There is so much to explore and so much to see. So many different possible experiences. Yet I am not experiencing what I want to be experiencing. I am experiencing so many problems that I don't want be to experiencing. Maybe I am experiencing them because I have to experience them? I don't know and couldn't tell, but that isn't important. The most important thing is that I am scared of the experience of having to take responsibility. Responsibility for myself and those around me. Responsibility for these problems that I am facing. Think about it. These problems aren't unique to my being. They aren't confined to the "me". "My" problems keep affecting others and "their" problems keep affecting me. Maybe these are problems of the collective consciousness and I just keep "channeling" them unconsciously. Like a mirror that' reflects an image. I am reflecting the world back to itself. And that takes it back to the topic of responsibility. I should start taking responsibility for the things I reflect back into the world. I can be reflecting negative things or positive things. I can be reflecting lower levels of consciousness or higher levels of consciousness. Just like the eightfold path:
It's probably time that I start reflecting positive things out into the world. I have a lot of negative habits but they can change. I can start developing positive habits that improve life for me, but also the world around me. That's the thought that feels the best. Creating a positive world. It doesn't matter if it's a realistic goal or not. What matters is that I start taking responsibility for myself. If I want to change the world I have to change myself first. I have to reflect a good image back into the world. Hope doesn't die unless we let it. If you can carry hope within yourself, you can also carry that hope into the hearts of others. It's like you're carrying a torch on. If 1 person can affect 2 people, 2 people can affect 4 people. And if 4 People can affect 8 people, 8 people can affect 16 people! I hope that I can carry it into the heart of at least 1 person. Because then my hope will live on. And maybe that can be a step towards creating the world that I'd like to see. Even if it's just a nano step.
I might be scared of this responsibility, but that's fine. There are so many ways to deal with this fear and I'm sure that I'll find one of them (if not more).