Alex K

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  3. Posted · Edited by Alex K

    @electroBeam I believe shadow is some parts of your character which you shut away deep in yourself as they are not acceptable to society like

    - Loving to mock and humiliate people

    - Being very sensitive and fearfull

    - Loving to sing

    etc. etc. etc.

    Shuting them away is a work and they themselves are some part of your mind. So that cripples you. Moreover, this shadow parts still influence you as they are not perfectly hidden.

    So in shadow work you become aware of such a part, embrace it, make conscious effort at reconsiliation like:

    - Curing the actual neurosis under that part of your character if applicable

    - Understanding that this part is not actually bad and that decision to supress it was ill informed

    - Use some coping mechanism like sublimation

    - Accept and love yourself

    - Self actualize to get holistic sage perspective on the world (Like in a recent Leo episode on holistic view on Anger in us)

    etc. etc. etc.

  5. Posted

    I have a job and a home. I know if I would be fired, I'd find something else. 

    I don't want anything. Why anyone wants anything more for them?

    I mean predominantly common things like a flat for themselves, kids, respect, booming career, money, foreign vacation trips - why do they want it? And why don't I want it?

    Are they afraid of being poor? Afraid of being called loosers? Maybe their parents forced success chasing into their young minds? Maybe they are greedy viruses? Maybe they are afraid of mental degradation? Maybe they have flawed view of the world - like needy or some pet world view?

    What is it and why do I not want anything like that? Should I want anything? Do I need to? Should I want to want? Maybe everyone is just pretending to want?

    Is this all a rocket science or some blind spot on me?

  6. Posted · Edited by Alex K

    I have a job and a home. I know if I would be fired, I'd find something else. 

    I don't want anything. Why anyone wants anything more for them?

    I mean predominantly common things like a flat for themselves, kids, respect, booming career, money, foreign vacation trips - why do they want it? And why don't I want it?

    Are they afraid of being poor? Afraid of being called loosers? Maybe their parents forced success chasing into their young minds? Maybe they are greedy viruses? Maybe they are afraid of mental degradation? Maybe they have flawed view of the world - like needy or some pet world view? What is it and why do I not want anything like that?

  7. Posted · Edited by Alex K

    I think it means effortlessness. You know what you need to do and how to do it, trends wise but also more and more of specifics. Every day, every minute. If anything arises, you're detached and understand it's origins completely (if measured in an unenlightened, couch perspective). Anything which could be called a problem is just a natural subcurrent in a current of understood transparent reality for you.

  8. Posted · Edited by Alex K

    This is some thinking on the topic of paradigm of naive realism/physicalsim/nothing being behind the scenes/ one of the major paradigms in this weeks vid. This is based on the topic 

     

    Well, real is that what is. Atoms do not exist - they are not real. But consciousness does - it is real. Consciousness is an oneness of everything, but each of us is a piece of this oneness, which became ignorant to the fact of oneness.

    My example is the following: 

    5 year old watches TV for the first time. I switch it off in a basement. Then switch on. For a 5 year old it stopped existing, then resumed. But me switching IS THE STUFF BEHIND THE SCENES for him - I am an example of finite hidden mechanism.

    But if everything is oneness and each of us is a pocket - than if we lift all the pocketing at once - there is nothing behind the scene because there is nothing but this self aware oneness.

    Now literally - is there a man who can tell how he experiences oneness without being on drugs at the moment? Can he know my thoughts? My thoughts are absolutely real - I hear them. If there is nothing hidden - guess my thoughts.

    If there is nothing hidden - guess my thought behind the writing in an unknown language. This text is just an explicit pointer to an explicit audio signal with explicit semantic.

    You can't guess my thoughts - they are hidden from you - how can you tell there is nothing else hidden but the feelings of others? 

    Someone tells an example of math line. From here see two thoughts:

    - Infinite regress can bring you the answer just like infinite zero size points give you a line.

    - Math (and scienece) is something more than feelings. A scientist predicts reality at the same moment when usual human fails. What is it if not a hidden strucutre? Any lawfull prediction is a pointer at a hidden structure.

    If I cannot experience true oneness than there would always be the stuff behind the scenes for me.

    If everything is one, but I obviously experience it in other way, there is a mechanism for that narrowing - this mechanism is the stuff behind the scenes as well. Is it ego? But ego is described to be a fact of a semantic feeling, carrying the payload of us being this body, brain and whatnot. I do not really buy that this simplictic feeling can shut down my life feed with oneness, do you? If so - then why is it so easily shut? There should be a mechanism behind it. So than we do not even know what really is stopping us from being enlightened.

     

    But maybe concsiousness and oneness do not exist - maybe it is nothingness. But nothing is nothing. No thing. Here we have all this feelings, everchanging. So it is everythingness rather than nothingness. Do you call it nothingness to underline it's not being based off anything? Why everythingness can not be not based off anything? Sounds like thermodynamics paradigm talking in your naming conventions.

    If one (Like Leo just for example) reaches everythingness and stays there, wouldn't he merge all of us into it, elevate the universe?

    Have we had any fully realised humans? If so, they should've been omnipotent? Why we are not all elevated than? What is the behind the scenes mechanism which kept fully realised humans in the past from elevating the whole universe back into full nothingness? Okay, maybe it is the state-of-the-universe - maybe it is unchangeble, maybe there is nothing which could be changed at "will". If there is nothing changed at all by that people, than what is the worth of reaching that place?

    Maybe I should just reach unconditional happiness in a simple enlightenment and stop there? 

    If we say success is not for true actualization. Then we say full realisation do not change anything. Why do it? If I'm happy unconditionally, I do not need happiness from this realisation, it won't bring me anything. Am I wrong somewhere in this strip? Where to go?

    Is this all just an in-logic paradigm masturbation, or does this have merit?

    Non euclidian geometry is still very much rational and logical. What exactly is post rationality? How can we judge if we are not toying ourselves when we lose probabilistic logical models of argument about axioms? What I mean here is very simple: human can break free from ego paradigm - and he becomes serene. We can see such people on youtube, even skype with them. But how do we judge our way is good when we talk higher things like this metaphysics? Is it a game of chance and daring of the spirit? Is it for the better? Leo has another video on loving the questions and getting couple of them through life. He tells us that living trying to answer them gives fulfillment. But isn't fulfillment useless under unconditional happiness?

    Btw, yesterday I've at least chipped a large chunk off my fear of death, so I now have a period of high motivation for actualization hence this text )=

  9. Posted · Edited by Alex K

    First attempt at top values:

    - Constant unconditional happiness and full enlightenment.
    - Curing neuroticism and keeping on clean from it.
    - Healthy and reasonably secure longevity.
    - Embodying sages wisdom.
    - Reasonably stable handsome levels of energy to create.

    I am too cheap to buy Leos course.

     

    Fear creeps in. Low self esteem? These look like egoic values.

    For example "Honesty" is egoic still but it is a level above.

    I should not judge my top values - are they toxic?

    Are they not a value but a concrete thing?

    - Unconditional Happiness
    - Enlightenment
    - Inner peace
    - Longevity
    - Health
    - Understanding
    - Wisdom
    - Mind Energy
    - Creating

    Or

    - Peacefullness, Calmness, Stability, Groundness
    - Acceptance, Reality as it is, Matter of Factness
    - Cleanness, Pure Spiritness, Pure Essentialness
    - Equanimity, Mental Clarity, Focus
    - Environment transcendence
    - Truth 
    - Creating

  10. Posted · Edited by Alex K

    How about this life purpose:

    - To witness my grandchildren get enlightened.

     

    Which is why to reach the greatest heights requires shedding egoic material, or purification to the point of nothingness or spirit. The word "spirit" connotes lightness of mechanism, and this is a good pointer of what you should be working towards.

    To be conscious, it to be able to see how a mechanism truly works, and its backfire potential.

  12. Posted · Edited by Alex K

    I've missed on a proper meditation for about a month. 

    Now I again instantiate a 30 day do nothing back-up-on-horse routine. 30+ minutes after wake up, same before bed. Discipline is most important.

    I think that I feel life clearer now. I feel how it is a heavy and a difficult presense for me, especially after work. I have this knee jerk reactions to life being difficult - I get irritated, I eat, I watch stuff.

    Food gives me less and less pleasure, I hope in 3-6 month good practice time I woud be able not to eat for pleasure, maybe everything else would go too.

    Today after the doctors I felt this saddness which was like a beautifull light grey fog veil moving with the airflow around me, gently touching me from time to time producing slightest joyfull feeling of being sad.

    I need to delve deeper into what I want. I think I don't want anything. I just want to be unconditionally happy all the time.

    I try to contemplate immediatelly on different neurotic bits I become aware in my life, it is hard.

  16. Posted · Edited by Alex K

    Hello everyone.

    So I have this problem of habitually eating for pleasure for as long as I remember. I was already fat at 5 years old. 

    I've lost 20 kg 4 years ago. But after clinical depression episode it is back on. I'm fighting it for a year already. But always I start eating sugar, junk and overeating again in just a few days. I've started okay eating nice food and only when hungry on tuesday. And yesterday - a bucket of icecream came along.

    I meditate daily and I see that being fat is bad for me. It's hard to sit crosslegged. My legs and spine hurt after workday. My energy is low. My mood swings when I do not treat myself with food (addiction). I can develop worse deseases like diabeties, hypertention and whatnot. I can't go sattvic which helps with meditation and enlightenment.

    I just sort of switch off all my awareness automatically, my body goes straight to aсquiring and consuming food. All my arguments for healthy choices are disсarded at the moment of binging.

    People say that one covers him with fat to protect his tender mind from harsh reality. From my self observation it looks almost like a state of conciousness like awakeness, sleeping and this binging state. Maybe it is that well ingrained in my brain structures?

    I try to search for that resistance to the reality which makes me want to cover myself with fat. I try to search for neurotic complexes (vasanas), any deep emotions of hurt or anything. Maybe I need to take solid 20-30-60 minutes a day for this soulsearching?

    Maybe I'm just too soft and lazy? What to do then? I can't concentrate like it is said in Leos video on being a victim. I just don't know how to put this informtaion of his into action. Maybe this means I do not want  enough? How should I want enough? Should I teach and teahc myself again and againa all the horrors of fat and all the vitues of good diet? Or is this futile and something else should work?

    Maybe I need a strategic approach? Maybe I need a dedicated journal with game plan and work on it daily?

    I know for a fact that I can loose weight, I want it, I know how in terms of correct food and exercise. But on beliefs level I catch myself loosing faith that I would ever do this. 

    I wonder what can I do.

  21. Posted · Edited by Alex K

    I wonder if one is constantly aware or has a random awareness timer, the flow state seems not possible or would be interrupted. How can we work around this?

    I'm asking this practically because I as a programmer work often with undeterministically occuring flows and I've installed randomly intervalled gong app to get me back to awareness 10 times a day.

    My aim is getting as close as possible to constant awareness.

  22. Posted · Edited by Alex K

    I need to somehow judge my progress on exercises like meditation.

    I still have quite some unresolved past trauma problems and shadow problems.

    I have low self esteem with long history and thus almost constant anxiety vasana.

    I think I need to be aware all the time. I've installed awareness application which prompts for my emotions randomly 8 times a day, potentially I'd up the frequency. I plan that this will give me further insight into my present condition, better my self understanding and build up my awareness muscle. I'll try to stare aware some time after every prompt.

    Additionally I've decided to keep a lot of different journals. Evernote for contemplation ideas, results, my problems and solution, strategy etc (Commonplace book in Leo terms). This journal for steps of the way - actualization journal. Writing stuff on paper to clear my system out. Adding concrete one-off things to contemplate, exercises to do into my scheduling app. And a journal for problems & solutions for job because I think it is the single biggest source of my suffering.

    Executive strategic judgement! Executive strategic judgement!

    My interest is becoming better. Why? Because I don't feel well.

     

  24. Posted · Edited by Alex K

    Phase 1 Results

    So after half year I believe I got some basics of meditation practice in place:

    - I am practicing no less than 30 minutes a day most days.

    - I understand that I need to incorporate mindfulness practice because I severly lack focus and have exercise to do so.

    - I understand forcing 40-minute SDSes can be neurotic crouches for escaping the need to accept reality.

    Results are:

    - Overwhelming negative emotions are extremely rare and short lived - rage and hatred almost every time (instead of months of despair and apathy)

    - I hope I quit one bad habbit I would not name again and for good.

    - I know what non duality is and have moderate experience with instruments for pursuing it.

    - I finally feel aware at work, chaos subsided for like 90%.

    - I don't give a rats ass in lots of situations I did in the past.

    - As an overarching result - there is a HUGE drop in suffering for me.

    - I start to see:

         - How small do I really know about myself.

         - Anawareness I have during most of the day.

         - Bad habbits, lazy choices, vasanas (habitual bad thoughts and emotions).

         - That I almost never think about anything, just going with fixed readily made solutions I've picked up on different occasions.

    Phase 2 planning

    For the next half year (typically, till the next lengthy vacation when I have energy and time to dissect and plan like this)

    - Going on with establishing my minty fresh composite morning ritual practice consisting of:

      - Well thought-out increasing intervals of do nothing meditation summing up hopefully to an hour, between wich I

      - Go to the bath, brush my teeth

      - Reading my mission statement

      - Do breathing, neck and shoulder, intervalled noting exercises

      - Doing positive affirmations

      Maybe doing yoga and eating.

    - Establishing before night meditation summing up to at least 20-30 minutes of do nothing.

    Generally I'd say this phase would be about removing bad habbits with cravings and adding good ones.

    Removing:

    - Eating for pleasure, sugary and fast foods.

    - Watching/reading politics pieces, playing video games, watching anime and surfing interntainment hubs esp. youtube clips.

    Establishing/growing:

    - Flexible non-neurotic diverse meditation practice (as descrived above).

    - Self observing practice during normal feeling-like-shit episodes in life (including cravings from bad habbits above), which is the best mature option to work with them and a great option to learn myself which is a crucial part of strategy and growth.

    - Going to sleep consistently and early (at 1 a.m. latest).

    - Eating healthy.

    - I would like to start reading books on self development and programming my aim would be modest 0.5 hours on a weekday for now.

    - Thinking, analyzing, planning life short term, mid and long term, adjusting tactics and strategy.

    - Pursuing physical culture in forms of yoga and dumbell exercises on top of basics I already have.

    - Flexible supportive positive affirmations practice and remembering sedona.

    Mid and Long term aims

    - start having walks on weekends

    - doing programming emotionlessly as dharma for me and evolving a good work ethics for it

    - making sense of Advaita Vedanta, becoming a Karma Yogi, diging self inquiry, getting enlightened

    - starting learning Hebrew and getting documents, moving to Israel

    - losing a good amount of excessive body weight, exercising

    - being a good father and learning to live on my own

    - digging the mastery concept and living a goal-oriented self-interest-oriented purposeful life

    - becoming proactive

    - gaining life energy

    My life purpose is very generic: I want to be a long-living enlightened benevolent force with a space high consciousness )=.

  25. Posted

    @Aware Very nice speech, I begin to understand and thus feel all this nowadays. I begin to stop feeling something special about any people thus starting to stop viewing anything as separate. It's all zero sum fuss. I have a strong dichotomy of when I'm alone and practicing and when I'm in "normal" situation though which I need to start to be gone. But this is all offtopic so no more.