Anastas Sia

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About Anastas Sia

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    Newbie
  • Birthday 10/10/2002

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  • Location
    Uzbekistan
  • Gender
    Female

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  1. Some emotions and memories came up during my meditation. I used to go to an english tutor when I was around 10-12, and every time I got something wrong, or couldn't figure something out, I cried. The tutor was nice, she even brought a plushie to our desk to soothe me, and acted like the plushie was encouraging me. I cried every lesson. I cried during my art lessons later on too. I still cry a lot, even if my family shames me for it. Atleast now 10% of it is happy tears. These days I'm laughing a lot too, sometimes so hard that I gasp for breath, and when family asks me what am I laughing about I start laughing even harder The emotion I had during my meditation was "I can't do it", similar to what I'm experiencing now with my art and quitting my addictions. The earliest time I can remember experiencing this emotion was when I was 5-6, and my mom prepared me for school. While teaching me the alphabet, numbers, etc. she was raising her voice every time I was a bit slow or got something wrong. Sometimes my mom would even hit me on the back of my head. She would get frustrated with me and I was weeping everytime. I did not want to be there at all. Now she does it with my sister too, and I see how disfunctional it is. She's only in fourth grade and lost all interest in learning already. I resented my mom all of my childhood. My dad didn't like that she would beat us, but he wasn't there most of the time. I still have resentment for her, and I'm not ready to forgive her.
  2. Morning routine. ~wake up at 4am without an alarm, don't sleep in even if you've slept less than 8-7h, you'll be fine. Don't decide to sleep a little longer until you get up and drink some water. ~take a shower ~exercise and stretch, maybe dance ~meditate for 40-60min ~make yourself some green tea with honey, then you can start your day by doing some sketching, which you don't need a phone for.
  3. Day 8,9,10 I've been watching youtube everyday, drawing very little. I'm meditating 45-60min everyday. There is a lot of resistance to change. I keep distracting myself, the more effort I'm putting in the more backlash of laziness and excuses not to change I get. Other things I've noticed: *I don't have a morning routine. I'm confused about what I should do in the morning so I just grab my phone, that leads me to using my phone the whole day to distract myself from figuring out what the hell is going on and working on it. Morning meditation helps with that a bit, but I need to get it in order still. *I'm trying to justify my laziness and distractedness, and sort of "accept where I'm at rn", but when I catch myself doing that it's all bullshit, I'm just avoiding working on myself. *Subconscionsly I don't believe I can let go of this forever, so why even try. If it's not gonna change, why struggle against it. This is a limiting belief. There is a lot of evidence that disprove this belief that I need to become aware of. I used to do thing out of pure inspiration and passion for it, I could read a book in three days, I could sit in my room doing nothing waiting for ideas to come to create something, I ate healthy and always skipped breakfast because I loved how it felt to be in this body and I wanted to take care of it, I could go outside at 4:00am just because the weather is lovely and there's no people around, first time I watched Leo's meditation videos, I tried all of the techniques out that same day, I meditated 3h total and I loved it. What the hell happened? ^This state is not permanent, I have to work for it. It is a glimpse of what my life could be.
  4. Day 5,6, morning of day 7 Been meditating for an hour every morning. It's pretty easy, as soon as I wake up I remember to go outside and meditate. And I enjoy the process of observing and recognizing that it's all content. Birds chirping, the cow mooing in the field, my dogs trying to get my attention and looking at me with the puppy eyes, the sound of traffic in the distance, my mom asking "are you meditating?", my annoyance with her asking that, all of the sensations in the body, emotions, thoughts - all content. When I was just starting to go into stage green I remember how much I enjoyed just sitting in nature and observing. I intuitively started meditating without knowing what it was, started doing less and enjoying the present moment, and I was falling in love with every stranger I was seeing outside, no matter how they looked like or what awful thing they might have done in the past. I enjoy it, and I enjoy doing art, but as soon as I call something "work" and think to myself "I have to do this", I don't wanna do it, and I'm trying to avoid it at all costs. When I have deep passion for something and I'm inspired to do it, it's effortless. I finished one of my compositions in three days, and it was the best that I could do, my art teacher approved of it right away. The other one I did, I didn't like so much, and it took me more than two weeks to make it look moderately acceptable. I'm not even thinking of youtube anymore, but I'm still distracting myself in other ways. I'm still sitting on my phone a lot, searching for snacks, playing with my dogs and grooming them to avoid discomfort while drawing, painting and coming up with ideas.
  5. Day 4 I didn't do as much yesterday. I have very little willpower and mindfullness. My meditation habit is sloppy, I'm not taking my spiritual and artistic work seriously (my art teacher already told me that, he is at stage yellow). I talk a lot, but don't take action, characteristic of green. If I were meditating religiously for a year and took action on what Leo says, this problem would have propably vanished. I'm gonna stop talking now and go meditate for an hour.
  6. @Jai Thank you. I think I'm addicted to distracting myself, and my phone is just the most convenient way to do that.
  7. I want to embody these. I'm not sure how yet, but I'll find out along the way. This is what my life is all about This journal is for my notes, memories, quotes, and just me trying to figure stuff out. I'm super confused! And I hope this journal will make me even more confused in the long run
  8. Plans for tomorrow: ~Composition * 5 warm up geometrical comp. sketches * 15 comp. sketches ~Painting *self portrait ~Drawing *self portrait ~General *sketches 25+5 * etudes 2
  9. Day 3 ^Didn't do the main thing I intented to do today - sketches for my compositions. And because of the tension around it I got the urge do distract myself and watched Leo's latest video on the structure of reality, and rewatched his video on the illusory nature of thought. After watching it I tried sketching again, but nothing good came out. So I went to youtube and watched latest pewdiepie videos I haven't watched. From his more "serious" videos it seems like he's moving into solid stage green, which makes it even harder to let go for me. Why should I care about a stranger online moving through the spiral? I've watched him grow and was growing with him, that's why I care. Composition analysis: 4/5, these take longer than I thought, 40-50 min. Regular sketches: 26/25, 7/5 Etudes: 2/2 It's all okay. I haven't failed, nothing is lost, it's all a part of the process. I've accomplished more today than I usually do, I'm building up the momentum. I've also had a headache today, which I rarely have, and this also contributed to my slip up. I will try again, like nothing happened. I see a pattern of me struggling with something, then wanting to distract myself from it. I need to learn to sit with the confusion and tension and give myself some love in that moment. Honestly, I wanted to lie about going on youtube today, but that's not right. I'm doing this for myself, not to impress someone. Be as authentic as possible.
  10. Look at this. How dares he create such beautiful images. God I love art so much.
  11. Plans for tomorrow: ~Composition *choose 5 artworks to analize after meditating in the morning, analize them (form, tone, color) each analisis takes 20-30min, 2:30h in total *do 20 sketches for my own compositions (think form, not story) < main work * work on two unfinished pieces (think more about the relationship of colors and do more sketching in general to add aliveness to figures) ~General *sketching(25+5 anatomical) *etudes 2+ If I have time left work on my self portrait.
  12. Day 2 It's 5:30am, aaaand I'm sitting on this forum again. Just as expected. I almost clicked on youtube first thing in the morning. What am I trying to get out of this behavior? ~ Satisfaction, knowledge, inspiration and fulfillment, feeling of connectedness What am I actually getting? ~ A numb mind, false sense of doing something productive, false sense of having human interactions, constant worrying about sitting on my ass and filling my mind with things that have little to do with my life right now. I've created my depression myself. I was in control but denying it. The bullying didn't cause my depression, being depressed caused me to get bullied. I can't remember how it felt to be depressed, and I don't know if it's a good thing. I remember spiraling into negative thinking, finding out what depression is and identifying with it. Took a year to let go of this part of my identity. I was angry with the world because my boundaries were being crossed. Is this problem also imaginary? Could I just let go of it forever? Parts of me don't want to let go, that's what I need to work on. Parts of me are still stuck in the past waiting for me to integrate them. I want ALL of me to get on board! That's what it means to commit 100% to creating the life I want.
  13. Day 1 It has gone pretty well. I've opened youtube 3 times out of habit, and closed it before clicking on any videos. I've still used my phone for an hour or two to read on the forum, but atleast I'm not multitasking. Need to make sure to notice when an ego backlash comes. I don't need to watch so much youtube, I've already got enough theory to work on myself for several years if not decades. And I only watch entertaining videos because I'm attached to pixels on a screen that I'm imagining is a person. Youtube is a tool, it's useful for research in art, spirituality etc. but all this information and inspiration is useless if I'm not actualizing it. Pewdiepie doesn't actually exist in my life! It's just a personality I've constructed from years of watching pixels on a screen. It's hard to let go, can't imagine how hard it is to lose your ego completely Hopefully I'll forget about it just like I forgot about my depression. I've used internet to cope with it and this habit stuck with me.
  14. Anatomical sketches @coughie Really liking your animation
  15. It's freaking time. I've used internet and videogames as a coping mechanism since 8th grade, I don't need it anymore, I've got more fulfilling things to do, like art (love it so much!), consciosness work, becoming more loving in general. I feel powerless to my cravings, even victimized a little bit. I'm worried that if I don't cut it I can forget about mastering anything, and I'm afraid it will come back stronger. I've never commited 100% to quitting, and it's getting worse with time, especialy on quarantine(thanks quarantine for making me face my demons). I used to spend 2-4h every day, now it's 6-7, almost half of my waking hours. I'm painting while I watch videos, and it's not going good at all. I'm aware of my surroundings for less than 1% of the time, it used to be better. So what do I do?? ~ Challenge myself to go a month without youtube, just to see if I can do it. ~ Figure out the root cause. When did it start and why? What need of mine am I trying to meet? ~ Visualize my future with or without this habit. ~ Accept it in myself. I know I haven't because I'm judging my mom when she's watching junk on tv, and my siblings when they're spending the whole day in front of a computer. I'm doing the same thing, it's not better in any way. x Changing my environment didn't work, and that's not gonna change me. ~ Don't watch youtube while drawing. Or eating. Or anything else. Let go of the phone, goddamnit! ~ Remember to be aware of the present moment and find pleasure in as little stimulation as possible. ~ Create more than consume. If a craving arises, I'm gonna observe it and consciously decide if I want to act on it, if I do, I'm gonna go to this website and listen to one of Leo's videos without distractions. Yesterday I switched to music instead of watching videos, starting today (it's 4:30am) I'm gonna cut youtube entirely for a month (16June-16July). Very exited to dedicade most of my time to doing art