Strangeloop

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  1. @Loving Radiance I feel incampable, inadequate. Like I'm somehow less of a person if I don't talk.
  2. @Logan Can't invest that at the moment
  3. @Roy Well at first sure feels good, but then I face judgement of other people which can be viewed as an effect of my honesty. Or one thing I noticed is that I tend to judge myself on what I've said or how I've said it. Thanks for encouraging words @Waken @Thought Art .
  4. I don't believe in theraputic process. I believe it's all bulsshit and there is no way of getting better. Atleast logically I believe that. Talking in general has been mostly unconscious. As soon as I open my mouth some nonsense comes out. I just keep the conversation going with little frazes and stuff like that. I don't really consider myself a speaker even if I started a facebook page and group and youtube based on speaking. I either find excuses not to talk or I am such a lazy person that doesn't even want to talk. Or third option is I just dont bother.
  5. First thing that could happen is that I lose my sense of self. Then Reality colapses and I end up not wanting to work in the material world. Because in the past I used psychedelics to deal with anxiety of life. Of not having a girlfriend. Stress at work. Etc. Also in the past I used psychedelics and drugs to escape. Then there is the psychosis aspect. In England I did ecstacy pretty frequently and I seriously lost my mind. I was not in my best form to work, because I was using and it all circled around using and reaching "The highest consciousness state" It's nice when you use it but then you stop using that is then all the drawbacks of psychedilics come. The low consciousness states. The depression. The anger. The negative thoughts. The HATE. I've got an opportunity to start taking psychedelics again and I'm not sure if I'm gonna do it.
  6. Buy Leo's life purpose course
  7. @snowyowl This hit me hard dude
  8. Especially about my problems. And Even in relationships, I never realized how hard it is to talk. I just want to stay quiet all my life. Because Then I talk. Stuff happens and consequences happen. And I don't want to take the responsibility of those consequences...
  9. @AtheisticNonduality Yes and then regret it my whole life. Feel shame and guilt ocer the things I could have done and live the life of victimhood, blame christians and the whole world for inequality and rights which were not given to me. And with the smile endure a big cock to my mouth, sounds like a plan man! Thumbs up to you!
  10. @JonasVE12 Yes. I have had those feelings on inadequeacy especially in other males who seem more Alpha and are not afraid to throw a punch or fight back in any way. My Dad always has been trying to control me, I always rejected his authority. I never tried to talk to him heart to heart. He always looked down on me.
  11. @JonasVE12 Well my job is perfect. I'm a taxi driver. My job is mandatory to meet people. The problem I'm occuring is staying in comfort zone like you said and not chatting people up. Which really sometimes is could help. But I would prefer not to.
  12. @Arcangelo Well you just going to ignore all the relationship benefits then. Only focusing on ignorance will only make you feel like you are incapable of doing anything properly. You will feel alone and then this loneliness comes you will feel miserable and like a victim like I do. Thos loneliness doesn't stop me from having conversations. Even if I feel alone I feel like I can acomplish something, it's rare but it happens. Especially after a huge tragedy. When Life hits hard, energy comes to change you.
  13. @Snuitje Well I had some values written down, I remember the top one being service. But I don't think that's it at the moment. And even if I could boil down everything to having my values met I don't believe it would make any difference if I aligned with my values or not. It would be the same Strangeloop all over again. This one is a thinker. Well I would have 4-5 male friends to hang out with. With them I would beatbox, played games and would go on road trips. But as I'm writing this I'm seeing that these more like copying other people. And authentically for me? It may sound evil or distorted or plain out dumb and stupid, but I would like to have my own community that I would run(and this again is something other people have done.) Okay let's be real here. I don't really know what my ideal relationship life would look like. I never had an ideal relationship or even a decent one, atleast in my eyes.
  14. I envy people who have relationships. Any kind: friendships, brotherhoods, sisterhoods, and especially romantic relationships. I feel alone, mistreated, angry, hateful, sinful, guilty, shameful, scared, needy, and all out sad, unhappy. These feelings cause me thoughts of being alone forever, Like I will never find someone to talk to, like everything in my life will only be me talking to myself and no one is going to be there then I die and no one will care for me so I will just sit on my coach and talk to myself like a crazy(More like INSANE) person. I feel like whenever I try to connect to person, the connection just intsantly slips away and no one is there to catch it. So I sit alone, do nothing, and cry and moan and bitch about my problems, because I feel like a victim of life.
  15. Like I see that my body talking when no is around but when someone is around it just stiffs up and from my perspective is quiet and no one is talking. Like zoning out. Being anxious. and fearful. If I talked like I do to myself to other people I would hear their reaction and instantly would stop talking so I wouldn't need to deal with the consequences. Like trying to be myself without realising it really you. weird thoughts. Maybe the words I put are incorrect and rambling won't help but to be a decisive person sure does sound like an ideal more than reality. I'm sur3 you noticed that I jump from one topic to another but sometimes it's good that way because I haven't actually seen a person who would talk for an hour on one topic. It seems like Leo talking is talking on one topic but personally I see many topics. Or the way I shut myself up when the situation needs to, It could mean that, but I don't get it. Or I'm just more or less capable of talking to people but I lack the confidence and clarity of what I am talking about and what I should be talking about. Okay so this post in of itself was really writing my thoughts out seeing where it will lead me, you may see it as rubbish for the other person it might be gold.