Strangeloop

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  1. I don't know, today, I feel calm. I still see the gay side of me, maybe it's not a side, maybe it's just me, I don't know. Why do I feel calm? Maybe because I see something, but it's vert distant, hope of somekind, a hope on having a wife, maybe this wife won't be a traditional person, maybe this wife will be transexual, because I'm gay, I might choose dick over pussy. And choosing that makes me even calmer, strange... I might be in the time of my life where I must be calm, I've been very nervous about this in the past, but know I'm looking at the bright side, I might just have plenty of sex, with men and women. And it doesn't matter how my life will go, it'll be awesome. I still care about other people's opinions and it slighty scares me, I'm scared of being rejected, but not by men, because men are as horny as I am and I'm very horny. So with men, I won't have a problem, the only problem with men is letting myself be with them, having sex with them. It's a bit scary, but I'll get over it. I still need some self-acceptance work, I might think that being gay and having gay fantasies is wrong, but that's untrue, because like in this one song: "It looks so wrong bur it feels so right" I think my parents will reject me and demonize me, but not my mom, I already told my mom about my gayness. She doesn't want me to be gay, maybe I don't want to be gay either, but the hell with it, I will be gay anyways, because why bother being gay is not the end of the world. Sure there's repression and demonization of gay people, some people are getting killed because of their sexuality, but I'm not afraid to die. I'm eternal bitch, I will never die. Relatively speaking. I might just like being gay, it feels so blissful to be gay. I'm at peace...
  2. You might want to check out my self actualization journal, called "Becoming Gay" I feel you bro, I'm going through the same suffering. In the journal I put all my thoughts about being gay, you might want to start your own one if you want to or just keep on track with my one
  3. @seeking_brilliance Thanks for the tip.
  4. So I was journaling the other day, and it was very weird, because it seemed like I was detaching myself from myself. I was so detached that words just flew on paper. And the words that came were disturbing, I was contemplating about sucking a guy's dick and getting fucked by one and the more I entertained these thoughts the more aroused I got. After I finished writing I just masturbated furiously with what I believe the strong boner was from those thoughts. But still even if I emtertain these thoughts, I still reject myself as being a gay person, it's very hard to accept the fact that I'm gay... As I'm still a virgin first I want to try having sex with a women, afterwards will see if it is for me or not, if I get aroused by them, as far as I know I don't consider myself neither gay nor straight I might as well just be bisexual. And this thought creates tension in my stomach area and the lower back. I always try to convince myself that I'm gay, maybe I'm trying to convince myself to be gay because I don't want to have sex with girls. That happens because I had suffered this hard rejection with a girl, making me hate them, I get angry at women for tiniest problems just because I want to show that I'm the dominant type, that they are not going to boss me around. So I stand my ground and just defend my ego even if I need to. So whenever I don't stand my ground I don't stand up for my masculine side and give in my feminine side. Which also beings me a thought that being gay in God's plan is to show me my feminine side, the one that loves, the one that is compassionate, caring and all around selfless person. It's hard to be this way, it's way easier to be egotistical and complaisant about others. So this sexuality crisis is really on my mind for my life, I get reminded of it daily, every movement I make even if it's a little gay, I notice it and judge myself for it.
  5. I've used to do IF, at that point in my life I had a very strict routine, I meditated, read a book, exercised and did some beatboxing all of it before I ate my first meal, it was all in the morning as I worked in the late shift. I don't know about eating healthy straight away. Sure it would be beneficial to do that, but it might be hard on you right from the start. I'm suggesting this from my experience, I ate all kind of foods, my main meals cointained lots of Protein and carbohydrates. The main meals were at the start of the eating time and at the end of it With some snacks in between. I ate all kinds off foods even chocholate, some other sweets not too much though. For snacks I sticked with nuts and dried fruits. So if you want you can do something similar. Thanks for this thread, I think I should get back on IF once again, because I have built some fat on me from the last time and IF is a great way to lose that fat combined with exercise in my opinion.
  6. Yes it's something like that, it happens very rapidly, depending on the aha moment the severity of these rewiring feelings are greater or lesser. Yes it has both - positive and negative consequences. Positive would be seeing more in people, thinking out of the box. Negative would be unstable moods and unclear thoughts, hallucinations(could be a postive) illiusions, anger issues, apathy, deppression.
  7. So in 2018 I took a lot of drugs like weed, ecstasy, mdma and LSD. I had some profound experiences but I haven't put them in thought though I haven't thought of what they mean to my life or anything, I just experienced them and that's it. So in the year 2019 after the drug usage I was put into hospital where I've been diagnosed with schizophrenia, I've been putted on medication since. I'm in rehab right now as my parents found out that I used drugs, they influenced me to go to rehab, I obeyed. After hospital I had this one mystical experience I remember it vividly. I was laying in my bed sleeping and suddenly I woke up to this blissful feeling in my brain, it was very instense but very pleasurable. It was like my brain neurons were connecting at a rapid pace with each other, it was like rewiring my Brain with new knowledge without thinking about the knowledge. Ever since that experience I had milder, similar experiences to that, almost everytime I contemplate, it seems like it calls up this rewiring feeling. As the time went on it wasn't so pleasurable, sometimes it was painful, I feel my head tensing up, I don't know if I can call it transcendence but it feels like it is that. Have you ever had this tensing, rewiring of the brain occasionally?
  8. @tsuki Thank you for your perspective
  9. @tsuki i'm a patient. I don't see ant difference in life between things and terms, all of it ate just words and none of it means anything. It's all the same to me, the same life the same people, abusing, healthy abusing, ungealthy abusing. I see them using people for their organization needs and they cover it as helping people trying to "cure" their addiction to drugs and alchohol, which is possible in a short term but not in the long term
  10. I'm dealing with strong negative feelings, and they mostly come from the workers of rehab. As I'm on a duty to be their "leutenant" this week they put me on responsibility to do certain things like making sure that people do their job and the rules that are in rehab are taken seriously. The moment I do something "wrong" like I don't organize what they told me to do they put me as a scape goat like I'm guilty for everything even for those things that people do on their own will. It fucking irritates me. I hate being a doormat. I can't stand up for myself. I just listen and hold myself in with my negative thoughts. It's almost like every "mistake" which isn't really a mistake. I believe that every "mistake is not a mistake" because those happen for a reason. So how do I deal with being a doormat? How do I stand my ground against workers of rehab? I afraid if I do stand my ground they will just punish me for not obeying. I hate this. Why do I have to obey anyone? Why can't I just be myself without obeying anyone? Sure it feels nice when other people obey me but that's not the point. This social structure of leader and follower irritates me. It's like we're animals with alphas and betas in our social structure. what do you think about this?
  11. Have you been the victim of bullies in your past? If so it might be connected to that.
  12. Yesterday I did it again, I again "injected" the finger in my asshole... sure I've got quick pleasure out of it, but the drawbacks of it are just yuck.. The whole day today I was angry, I was reading about being gay and been noticing a lot of men around me. And the FUCKING ATTRACTION IS THERE it freaking frustrates me... I looked at girls and see them as ugly, but when I look at guys I see them as beautiful... I don't want to accept it, I will all I can to prevent myself from being gay, I don't care how much suffering it will take to get away from being gay. I'm hopeless my programs don't work, I've seen enough... I just want to die at this moment and just revive myself to becoming something more than this fucking shitty disgusting ass life. I hate God, I hate you God for making me Gay!
  13. @Nahm I had met a couple of influencers like Leo and Tim Han from which I got this notion of influencing, and I just like seeing my words and actions as they manifest in other people. @Amandine They tell me about the questions, the gave me their opinion about questioning