Voladores

@Consept Belonging and close relationships, mostly.

@JustThinkingAloud I'm afraid I became neurotic due to my upbringing. My parents were emotionally unavailable. But I think the only thing left for me is to fight for my freedom, though it will cause intense feelings of alienation.

@JustThinkingAloud I think I will take time to get used to new ways of thinking. Still, it hurts when not only society expects you to behave in particular ways, but also your parents, when you struggle to meet their idea of what you should be.

@JustThinkingAloud I always tend to think that when an authoritative psychologist has some theory on how to lead a happy life, and I don't meet the requirements, I'm doomed. So it seems these theories are not carved in stones and I don't have to feel guilty for not following the correct path towards conventional happiness. Am I right?

I was wondering is it possible to develop a decent personality if some of your needs at particular stages are unmet? Some sources even claim that it is inevitable to develop a mental illness or neurosis due to frustration. Personally I have difficulties in meeting some of my needs. And the older I get the harder it seems to even try.

@bejapuskas Logically I understand that there is just an ordinary human being in reflection, but somehow my ego feels aversion to it. I think it's called toxic shame. Though I try to be mindful, this feeling never goes away, especially in crowded places.

@remember Whenever I look in the mirror, I think what a douchebag is there. Why is this thing is me.

@Truth Addict Ok, I got it. I think I should just try whatever I come across as a promising tool to help.

No, I haven't. My mind rejects this kind of treatment. I think it's girlish.

@Truth Addict I don't know, there were many things that could turn me into total mess. My father was very demanding and intolerable. I was punished for every mistake I made. He could be angry at me and be withdrawn for whole 2 weeks. So there was an emotional neglect I can say. Also in my preteen years I was bullied by older guys when I was on the street. I guess since then I developed fear towards guys. In my teens as every boy I wanted to be with girls. But nobody taught me how to connect, and nobody helped me. I was weird af. My peers laughed at my pathetic attempts. Then I stopped trying. So then when I developed a crush on somebody, I kept my feelings inside until they died out. Though I chatted with girls far from my hometown via ICQ. Once I shared my photo with one girl. She said my appearance was not good. Then I stopped trying to find a girlfriend completely. Then I guess my worst mistake was to read 4chan and incel forums. I persuaded myself that I'm the last in hierarchy of men, an omega male, that no girl ever would look at me. Now, I live with my parents, have a shitty job, just to have some coins in my pocket. I play videogames in all my free time, sometimes read books. I watch self-developement videos, mostly Leo's. They're thought provoking, sure. But I gave up on my life. I developed several medical conditions. Though nothing severe, but I'm very hypochondric, and I think it might get worse. So this is my story. (Sorry for my English if it seems a bit off, it is not my native language)

@ajasatya Also I noticed as if there is an evil entity in my mind. It abuses me harshly until I just start to cry. In the past year I became quick to tears. I can't be still with myself. If I'm not doing anything, this voice starts to humiliate me. Though it brings suffering, I can't stop this habit, as if I like it subconsciously, sort of masochistic self-deminishing pleasure.

@ajasatya Most of the time I'm silent. I speak only when spoken to. I don't initiate conversations. And if somebody wants to talk with me about some mundane stuff I just nod and smile, or just agree. I rarely speak with people of my age. (I'm 27) I'd rather speak with somebody over 35, because they are more level headed. It seems to me that young people nowadays are mean to some extent, especially when they feel that you're weak. They start to mock and tease you. That's why I don't have friends and haven't had a girlfriend. And the older I become the stronger the feeling that there is no place for me anywhere. I can't even meet people with the same interests as I have, because even there I feel as an outcast.

When I'm among people, walking down a street or at some gathering, I think people despise me. I feel as if I cause disgust just by being around. Especially when around girls. I think it's not ordinary social anxiety. Can't even describe the depth of this feeling. As if i'm corrupted, cursed, and the most revolting creature ever existed. I dont want people to look at me, talk to me or even touch me.

@Eric Tarpall Then why it isn't so when it comes to porn and masturbation? It feels like never enough and hard to unhook yourself from it.

@Girzo @Jkris Ok, i see.