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About Farnaby

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  1. Hi! I'd like to hear your opinion on something that has been on my mind quite often. I feel like it's my responsibility as a man if my girlfriend isn't feeling interested in having sex. I'm not sure if this is a trauma response where I take on 100% of the responsibility, but I feel like the sexual tension/attraction mostly depends on how I'm showing up. The problem with this is that I can take some rejection without my confidence being affected and stay in a positive mood, but when it happens more often or if I feel her being hypercritical or just somehow distant, it starts dragging me down and it becomes harder and harder (no pun intended lol) to be in the mood to embody those qualities that could ignite the passion. So, on one hand I feel responsible, but on the other hand I can't help feeling frustrated when I've been working on myself so I can feel more confidence and embody my masculinity and still feel like she doesn't want us to have sex. She says she is so stressed in general that she has no interest in sex at all right now, but a part of me doesn't believe this and I think I'm doing something wrong. It would be nice to hear your opinion on this topic, especially if you've been in long-term relationships or have experienced something like this. Thanks a lot!
  2. @dflores321 the fact that you're aware of the pattern is already a big step. Try to introduce some space between the impulse to fill the void and the action. That way, you can increase your tolerance to uncomfortable feelings and maybe get more clear on what it is you're lacking and trying to fill. In my case weed was holding me back quite a bit in a not so obvious way so I would try to cut that down to weekends or something like that.
  3. @SamC yep, it's a paradox. If you can't accept yourself, accept that and you get unstuck and are actually accepting yourself 😉 You can also use moments where you feel something you don't like, like jealousy or greed to practice compassion for other people who feel that way. By doing that you are also incressing your compassion for yourself. Not forcing is the key IMO.
  4. @SamC IMO modesty has to happen spontaneously. If you force yourself to be modest it's like forcing yourself to be less selfish. You're doing it from a place of self rejection and selfishness (i.e to feel like a better person). By accepting yourself the way you are, these qualities like modesty, altruism, honesty, compassion, etc. tend to happen naturally. At least that's my experience.
  5. @mandyjw oh okay, I thought you meant letting go of identification with thoughts is the solution to all mental problems. I actually do think there is some truth to that, even if it seems simplistic. And I completely agree about the purpose of a diagnosis. Unfortunately, most people get attached to their diagnosis.
  6. @Strangeloop I would explore the motivation/emotion you were feeling in order to say something like that without having built enough trust with the girl. That's definitely something that will make most women feel unsafe. Some people have this belief that they are creepy, which works like a self fulfilling prophecy and they act in weird ways. So it's a kind of self sabotaging acting out. Self-sabotaging is a coping mechanism that stems from fear. For instance, you can be afraid of being rejected by being yourself so you do things that lead to that because that way you feel in control and it feels familiar. What needs to be felt in that case is the underlying emotions of the wounded inner child. If you want to connect with women, you need to learn how to be in your body, go with the flow, not second guess yourself too much and of course explore that belief about women being sexual objects. It's impossible to have empathy for someone if you see them like an object.
  7. @flowboy wow, thanks for the in-depth advice! I'm actually a therapist myself lol (you sound like one too^^). Not CBT but I know how it works. It's been 5 years or more since my last mushroom trip. Right now I prefer to approach this sober, but I may trip later this year. I will look into the stuff you mentioned. In my case I think my mother was emotionally available but she's the fearful/worrier kind and tends to take many things personal (victim mindset). My father is even more fearful, but he used to shut down emotionally and punish everyone with silence. He still does it to some degree. Also very stuck in victim mindset. Maybe that's why I don't have a lot of compassion for people who are in victim mindset lol. I'm sure there's some "trauma" there that could explain what I'm experiencing with my girlfriend. The relationship with my girlfriend is pretty good communication-wise, except for this part. And you're right about the self-fulfilling prophecy because I used to destroy my previous relationships because of lack of trust and lack of self-confidence. That has gotten much much better, but what I'm describing here may very well be a milder version of that lack of trust, like you said. It's as if I become avoidant when she's anxious and depending too much on me and I get anxious when she's more self-absorbed. What I mean by not bringing this topic up is not completely hiding it or repressing it, but working through it on my own until I release the stories and uncomfortable emotions, so I can relate to her from a better vibe which seems to work as a positive self-fulfilling prophecy. Not sure if that makes sense lol.
  8. @flowboy thanks a lot for your advice! I'm not sure what comes first. I'm not even sure if I need more sex or more intimacy. I think I need to feel that everything is ok and that usually happens when we're connected, in a good mood, etc. Behaviors that trigger it: when she becomes more irritable or self absorbed (although I'm usually the more avoidant one) doesn't want to engage in anything sexual. Story in my head: "she's becoming less and less attracted to me", "I'm doing something wrong/don't know how to turn her on", "If I tell her she's going to feel worse and it won't solve anything". I actually don't have any proof and when I bring this up she always says she's still attracted to me, she's just stuck in negativity/worries/stress. She also apologizes and starts worriying that I will leave her. The problem is I have trouble believing that (I tend to think she says that to not hurt my feelings) and I tend to blame myself for not being able to ignite the spark.
  9. Hi everyone! There's a recurrent situation that I suspect may have more to do with my own wounding than my girlfriend. When we go through a phase where I feel physically and emotionally disconnected from her, I start feeling uncomfortable and try to work through it on my own until it gets too much and I tell her how I'm feeling and what is causing me trouble in the relationship. I express it respectfully (such as "I'm feeling disconnected, I miss feeling that you're turned on by me, etc."), but in that situation you can tell I'm upset because of my non verbal language. This in turn makes her feel bad, leading to more disconnection and apologies from her that make me feel even worse. I'm pretty sure a big part of this is my own insecurities being triggered and I'm working on that, but at the same time I think it's important not to hide that something is not working for me in those phases, because even if I hide it, it manifests in my behavior. Has anyone else experienced this? Any tips on how to express needs without creating more problems? Idk maybe the best thing is to not talk about what's missing for me and just work on being in a good mood so the connection happens spontaneously.
  10. @mandyjw That's interesting. Do you imply that every mental health "problem" should just be treated by teaching how to observe the mind without mistaking it for reality and without trying to change thoughts and feelings (like in meditation)?
  11. @PepperBlossoms I think most of these rules are survival responses. If someone yells at us, he/she is a threat, so our nervous system can go into fight/flight (escaping or fighting back) or shut-down (avoidance, numbness) in order to protect ourselve. I don't think that's a conscious decision, it just happens automatically. Depending on previous experiences, we tend to go more into sympathetic arousal (fight/flight) or parasympathetic (shut-down). I do think, however, that all this can be explored consciously and we can train ourselves to distinguish when the threat is real and when it's a projection from the past, in order to move through that energy and get back to safety and connection. Polyvagal Theory goes into this in great depth
  12. Thanks everyone for your input. I pretty much agree with most of what you said. It's also clear to me that identifying too much with the belief "some people are less conscious than me", can shape my reality in a not so joyful way, whereas seeing it more nuanced lets me enjoy every relationship for what it is. @Forestluv I love this topic. I think you're right that many problems that manifest physically can be improved through working on our minds, psychology and so on, but we shouldn't assume every illness is entirely psychosomatic. Would love to know more about the kind of facilitators you're talking about. You mean stuff like reiki or somatic experiencing? @Scholar thanks for the insight. I still have trouble seeing the "I'm the Creator" part in my direct experience. I do see however how our beliefs and so on work as a self fulfilling prophecy and influence our reality.
  13. @BipolarGrowth IME this is a phase that comes and goes. I think of it as another thought story from the ego that needs to feel special, different from other people, etc. I do think that many people numb their consciousness more often than others, but I'm not sure that means they are generally less conscious. Maybe they embody some spiritual stuff more than we think. When this thought story is transcended, you can start to appreciate every relationship for what it is.
  14. @krockerman in my experience the root cause of suffering is resisting the unfolding of reality. If your present experience is unpleasant and you resist that you suffer. If you accept it, you may feel all sorts of unpleasant stuff, but it will flow through you. I've personally not experienced 24/7 of joy, but every time I fall back into suffering I can see how I'm resisting reality in some way. When I let go of that resistance, joy comes naturally. Not saying this is the only root of suffering but at least for someone who has his basic needs met, and who isn't being tortured or something extreme like that, I would argue that we create our own suffering by resisting what is. Pleasure comes from fulfilling desires, but I think there's truth in the statement "joy is our natural state".
  15. @jerrypua "The Untethered Soul" by Michael Singer. I liked that one better than The power of now.