enderx7

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  1. @gettoefl You're very welcome, Im glad you enjoyed it!!
  2. Hello actualized forum! Its been a little while since being semi active here, but I'm happy to be back with something to share. I remember seeing many wonderful meditation, retreat, and trip reports here that offered me some valuable help and encouragement at times and would be delighted if I am able to offer some encouragement, aid, or at the very least provide some momentary entertainment : ) I will be trying to relate the trip as it was experienced and in the context that I understood it, because of this there will be decent amount of reference to a work known as the Law of One; for no other reason then it was the context from which much of my experience was interpreted. Ive read many spiritual works but for whatever reason my brain chose this one to give context to my experiences, it is very true that I have frequently found its framework applicable and useful for understanding reality around me so that definitely played a role in why my brain picked that context. The terminology borrowed from it should be self explanatory enough for a reader to understand without being familiar with the work if they are somewhat familiar with other metaphysical jargon. But for those interested I'll leave a few links here. For a fairly succinct yet comprehensive overview and introduction I'd recommend Aaron Abke's series about the law of one on Youtube, heres a link to first episode of that series: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=seaJcY0kXjk&t=2s. And for those who wish to engage more fully with the material the entire work is available for free online, link: https://www.lawofone.info/ Before getting started I would like to ask that readers first read this quote that sums up well my concerns with posting this report and agree before diving in "we would ask that each of you that listens to or reads these words use your discrimination and your powers of discernment to decide that which is helpful to you and that which is not interesting. Let those words of ours which do not rouse your interest slide by without a second thought. Focus on those concepts you feel may be helpful. If you will take the responsibility of using that discrimination we shall relax and not be concerned with the possibility of infringing upon your free will or interrupting the rhythm of your spiritual walk. We thank you for this consideration." Trip report: I had been in the months previous feeling a strong urge to trip again. It had been about a year since my last big trip, which is usually about how long is required for me to digest and attempt to embody or ground the ethereal themes and lessons of a intense trip using the medium of everyday life and various spiritual practices . By now I had new questions and new roadblocks I was struggling with, as well as feeling a strong need for a renewal of inspiration, and found my self praying often for insight, clarity, and aid reorganizing my perceptions and beliefs, I was feeling a bit lost. I was still full of faith I was on the path that was right for me but I was becoming somewhat discouraged and frustrated with my progress, ignorance, and the stubbornness of many challenges. I had obtained the LSD totally unexpectedly and spontaneously earlier that day and was trying to figure out how I wanted proceed. I had 10 tabs of 150 ug, roughly, with lsd its always ballpark range and the source wasn't even confident with that figure to begin with, but basically it was strong stuff, I wouldn't be surprised if they were actually 200ug tabs. Logically the timing wasn't right, for one my room was somewhat messy, and I prefer to intentionally prepare for at least a week or so before trips. I had been in a pretty challenging headspace for awhile, and setting wasn't ideal, just at my apartment with a roommate due to come home from work later. None of the conditions made sense for the trip to happen that night but i had this really intense internal push and this feeling of rightness, I couldn't shake it. I went back and forth for a few hours and by now it was getting really late into the evening, which was just another reason not to go for it tonight even though I'm typically a late night owl, but the internal push and feeling of rightness was getting more intense and before I knew it I had pinched off 2 tabs and they where in under the tongue, no turning back now, this was roughly around 10:30 pm. My room was still messy so I decided to go into a quick cleaning frenzy while I awaited take off, to some good tunes of course. I'm rather experienced with this chemical and can gauge the intensity of a trip by the speed of the come up, It was 20 min in when my visuals were slightly misbehaving and my body felt interesting to the degree that I could tell it was going to be a intense trip, in the neighborhood of ego death but I didn't feel like it was going to cross that line, I really needed to cross that line however so I debated eating 1 more tab as I continued to clean. My emotions where still in the challenging headspace they had been in for the past while but the feelings I was struggling with were getting thicker, intense boredom and disinterest, a screeching apathy, frustration with my consuming desire to find the divine in tandem with my perceived lack of agency to effect that outcome and ability to find it. Quick sidenote for any inexperienced psychonauts reading, it is highly recommended to not trip with a heavily challenging internal setting until you are very comfortable in your ability to surrender, whatever your holding inside is amplified by psychedelics, you become hyper conscious of it, which can be a fantastic way to get to the root of difficult issues quickly but if the negative intensity isn't surrendered to and is instead resisted things go south very quickly and sometimes in dramatic fashion. Basically I could tell this was going to be a challenging trip, but that feeling of rightness was still present. About 40-50 min in my room was about clean to my satisfaction and the visuals and body load was steadily increasing, It was time for a nice long walk, I popped a third tab and was on my way outside. I took a familiar trail through the back of a nice neighborhood until reaching my secret path through the bushes and out to the train tracks where I could get some space, privacy, and view a landscape with less development and more nature. As I walked the internal pressure and challenging emotions just kept build and building. I was wearing headphones playing some vibey music which was progressively sounding more intricate and beautiful and the visuals were becoming fairly fantastic, but that all seemed far far away and somewhat mundane, I didn't care, my sense of boredom with reality was amplified to a titanic almost cartoonish degree, pffht pretty lights huh.. whatever, who cares. It will be relevant for later, near the end, to note now that the sky was smoked over from all the wildfires and only the moon was partly visible. I had reached the train tracks and walked down them for a ways, but the body load was getting pretty intense and I could tell walking just wasnt really gonna work well for much longer so I found a nice sitting rock and plopped down facing a open field with one building under development in view but it was a fairly scenic view regardless. At this point the visuals were becoming very intense, it was becoming difficult to understand what I was looking at, about as intense I can ever remember having them but surprisingly I could care less, I was utterly uninterested in them. The internal pressure had become immense. I still had enough sense composed to remember to set my intentions for the trip at this point, what would I like to explore, what do I need? I had a strong intellectual grasp of oneness, but where was it? I wanted to experience oneness like I experience sight or sound, I wanted to know it in my bones. Next was a opposite problem, I had a few peak experiences of unconditional love but i didn't understand it at all. What were the mechanics, how can I do it? I understand relative love but how does one just open the faucet, how can someone like Jesus just love every single stranger or how do you love perceived evil? Just intellectually understanding that you should because of oneness and understanding that it ultimately is for the evolution towards perfection isn't enough to actually do it. And lastly I wanted to be free from deeply embedded conditioning that just wouldn't go away, particularly shame and judgement. They were so deeply and heavily instilled in me as a child raised in a religious upbringing, and even though I understood the mechanics in and out, could clearly see their folly and unreality, even could trace it to particular instances of their relative traumatic instillation in childhood, they still stubbornly would persist and rear their head again and again every time I was sure I had them conquered. Luckily setting these intentions was effective even without my usual week of preparation because this stuff was so intensely heavy on my mind throughout the year enough that I was primed to explore that direction without the extra preparation. Without realizing or barely noticing I had turned off my music and set my headphones aside. The internal pressure was extraordinary now, at a exploding point. I could feel my ego being pulverized into oblivion, extreme hopelessness, tangible feeling of dying, but there was still some recognition that it was a ego that was being pulverized not me so there was also a calm resignation, I had been here before enough to know there was no point resisting, time to just lie back and die. It continued like that for awhile until the pressure couldn't get anymore intense and then finally the pop. I could hear a sound, first just bubbling up then slowly it broke into wild fits, Its laughter, Im laughing, It's all just a big joke. It's so blindingly obvious now, there is no person here but yet there I am, everywhere. The feeling of "me" stops ending at the edge of my skin and now spills over into everything( or everything into me?). I become the god mind and through those eyes see everything crystal clear. Visuals are going absolutely wild, flashing, swirling, whirling. I can't tell if my eyes are open or closed, I cant tell if I even have eyes, and I don't care even a lick, open or shut, eyes or no eyes, I can see, I can finally see. I AM, I just AM, and the concept of anything else is impossible. Infinity unending, One giant eternal being. Thoughts race by, if you can call them thoughts anymore, you can't, but its the best word I have. Im flying through my library of intellectual learnings about reality, only now it wasn't just stuff in my head from a book etc, I could actually see it, I was it. Particularly what I learned from study of the Law of One was illuminating. The 7 densities of consciousness? That and so much more beyond, infinitely more. Yes I immaculately planned out each and every step, for myself. I became aware of my old ego as a small fraction of myself interacting with my bigger self all for the experience of knowing itself. Wild laughter now. Bliss Oh beautiful wonderful bliss. I had created reality for myself, buy why? FOR LOVE!!! Love was the most (more?) true expression of what I was (easier to explain towards the end). I am wonderful, Perfect in all imperfections, imperfections were obvious illusions only serving to point to greater perfection. Just as a devotee offers up their very being in love of god, god creates all of reality in love for them. Still my sense of being had no boundary, my eyes still closed, I could see( sense?) a bug crawling next to my body, It was me, It too was infinitely loved and it had a reality crafted just for it, purely out of love. My laughter grew more ecstatic. It wasn't just love, No one emotion is big enough for what we are, and we are capable of feeling a infinite amount of emotions at once, each at full intensity without diminishing other emotions. A wild bliss, a giggling mischievous playfulness. This was fun!! Oh we are so huge, so infinite. It was a unending ever shifting delight finding new ways to experience ourselves, new ways to become ourselves, but first, infinite ways to trick ourselves. To throw up shifting shadows upon the wall, pretending to be separate, to really believe in all that toil and trouble all that fear and sorrow, for a brief moment. And then to a playful melody, bit by bit, let pieces of truth arrange the shadows in a infinite miraculous ways that reveal the hand casting them, your own hand, and to wake back up in the most fresh and brilliant ways. Having really fallen for our own trick of separateness we get have a ever renewing and infinite variety of discovering and experiencing ourselves and myriad of ever deepening ways. There was a deep sense that everything was indescribably perfect and designed with endless compassion, that the pain and fear experienced in the game of seperatness was always just what it needed to be in order to experience a totality of perfection in a greater bigger picture, and what in the smaller picture looks like gods cruelty and neglect is in the greater more true picture vast loving compassion, no shortcuts no cutting corners, only the best will do for you, you want it this way. It is similar to a parent and a child going through potty training. To the child it may seem like great cruelty went the parent stops cleaning the mess and makes the child struggle and suffer to obtain sovereign independence over the process to the point where there is no mess made for the child suffer from, in the greater picture if the parent never let the child become independent that would be a true cruelty. There was awareness that separateness was just one of many stages or games we played with ourselves. It was the hide and seek stage, everyone understands in a almost primal way the great fun of a good game of hide and seek as a child, so to of course does god. Here my attention changed focus and just as I had seen the bug in my minds eye I could also see all the human other selves, lost, fearing themselves, fearing the shadows on the wall. They too were just "me"& I loved them so dearly. I could see how the bigger self was always trying to comfort and caress them but they slapped the attempts away in wild fear, and the bigger self respecting his own free will waited patiently. I just wanted to comfort them and sing "All is well". But I could also see that all is indeed well and that they were perfectly placed in a perfect plan and that even then everything was molded into reality specifically just for them in just the right way for their own infinitely expanding and ultimately joyous journey. They were me after all and nothing but the best would do, even if it was very challenging. I had a distinct feeling, like a message for the old ego I used to be and would return too, that I was not to try to forcefully let anyone in on the secret, on the unity, unless they asked of course, with words or with the wordless desire that shines from a genuine seeker, that it would be rather bad sport to try and rush their game, it was already perfectly tuned and not to spoil any grand finales and glorious peaks of clear sighted ecstacsy before their time. For little self to stay out of big self's way as to say, I also got the sense that it wouldn't work anyway if i tried but that it certainly would play out less then harmoniously. I Could understand that loving wisdom was to know but to not let anybody else know that you know, Just play your cards correctly with a wink and playful grin. Maybe a assurance that everything will be okay, if needed. Next my attention moved to understanding the service to self vs service to others polarity and as a unintended consequence I also got resolution on understanding the odd and seemingly negatively polarized connections and undercurrents behind the mundane world's happens that I had been becoming increasingly aware of in those times hitherto that I turned my attention to the world stage. Which was more often then usual of late in the interesting year that 2020 has been. Ok, brief interlude here before continuing, I hesitated on wither or not to include this part in the trip report, as the exciting but ultimately less important elements of it may likely be weighted with a improper emphasis compared to more important understandings about the self that can be gleaned from it, but their are valuable understanding about polarity ahead as well so I have decided to share. Although before we proceed Id like to emphasis the quote from the beginning asking that you take only what is helpful to you, using discernment, and leave the rest. I will not be trying to convince anyone and will be staying vague about some details to honor free will, so dont try to start arguments over this please, if you get that urge just leave that part behind and only carry what feels useful. Ok moving on with the trip now. Beyond the vast multitudes of other self I saw trapped in fear there was a great and majestic being. My sense of them seemed to shimmer and dance, they were intoxicating, glimmering and dazzling, and beckoning as if they had something I didn't, a secret that maybe they would let me in on. My clarity however was no longer perfect I couldn't perceive what that secret could be, gods eyes had withdrawn slightly from me although i was still perceiving vastly more then my normal perception, In hindsight I realize my ego needed to be present for this part, although its brief return was stealthy and I didn't notice until after it faded again. The great majestic being continued to dance overwhelming me with magnificence, it clearly wanted to me to follow, the message was clear, do you behold my majesty? come closer, follow me and i can teach you how to shine like no other. Telling me that with them I could be greater, that none would compare to me, that I could blaze with majesty so as to be as hard to behold as the sun. I was momentarly very confused and, I must admit, quite tempted. Being fresh from experiencing reality from the eyes of the infinite creator I could not deny that this being exemplified much of those qualities. It was magnificent, yet playful, vast and glorious, but there was just something off, something I couldn't put my finger on. I could feel pressure to choose something, to follow, but as is my nature I began to obsess on the thing shrouded in ignorance, what was it that I couldn't put my finger on? I must know and I wasn't going to budge from that spot until I understood. Then realization hit me like lightning. Why this being felt different then the presence that was looking through my eyes earlier. What could it have for me that wasn't already there? We are literally the same eternal being how can I gain anything from it that wasn't already present? The difference in presence was this being was like a black hole, drawing all into itself with its magnificence, where the presence that I experienced earlier was radiant like the sun with its magnificence, freely giving, not some here and some there but just bathing all in unity with its love. After realizing this some portion of clarity returned but not as much as before, I could clearly see that this being had the same beingness or substratum as the rocks besides me or as the great many other selfs trapped in the thick cocoons of fear. Then I saw from the many selves trapped in fear was flowing a energy ( maybe attention I think), this energy flowed from the fear cocoons and was drawn in a great swirling vortex towards and adsorbed into the greater being that was tempting me. Then their was this knowing realization that this great being was ,to its own unawares, about to have a graduation of sorts. Then a realization that while this was a great cosmic event in some perspectives that in the biggest most zoomed out picture this great beings climatic drama was no less important then the journeys of all the many souls agonizing in their fear cocoons and being fed upon, I felt a deep saddness and desire to comfort them. The great being was beckoning still and offering to teach and I felt like I was at a cross roads. To make my own separateness sparkle or to help comfort those other selves lost amid the great play. I figured whatever that great being had I had to have it as well and didn't need him to find it, we were really the same eternal being ultimately after all, and that id rather seek the infinite creator in my own way while doing my best to help alleviate the vast suffering in whatever small measure I could. As soon as I made this choice a weight faded and full clarity returned again for a time, I could see from gods eyes more fully again. I saw clearly then some mechanics of the service to self and service to others selves polarities. Firstly they were both correct and true although I would say one has a trueness that is a order or magnitude higher then the other( ill try to explain this at the end) Wither one seeks the glory of the infinite creator in ones own self only or in other selves as well, they are correct, it is indeed glorious, infinite, and worthy of all praise and adoration. For a moment try and think of the path of evolution towards perfection of self as one mountain with many paths up to the summit. The main difference between service to self vs service to other selves is really only that of difficulty when all is ultimately said and done. Service to other selves involves freeing oneself from the darkness of separation and seeing all beings as their own beloved self, for where else can authentic service arise but out of a genuine perception that to aid another is to aid oneself, it is literal selfishness just seen with correct perception. For service to others is like climbing that mountain of growth with many paths in such a way that you seek to drop all weight (darkness ignorance, etc)and link arms with your fellows and bear each other up the road. Service to self however is similar but with a important distortion, a service to self entity is not ignorant per say of the underlying unity, they are not dumb and have full access to wisdom, but preferring to maintain that last thin strip of darkness they choose to see separation, having had full taste of both the light and the darkness, they prefer to walk in the dark. While maintaining this strip of darkness they authentically perceive that to serve ones self is to serve the creator, and they are not wrong per say. Theirs is to walk that mountain of growth with many paths in such a way that they decide to keep their weights thinking them to be useful and to set off on the path alone fighting off any who get near, of course the fighting off and carrying of all this extra weight is more difficult then it would otherwise be and their own energy is not sufficient to bear them to the summit. Becoming malnourished, they wait on the side of the road for another unsuspecting self to wander past, to which they then pounce upon and attempt to commandeer their resources for themselves and thereby continue on their journey to the summit. To say it another way I saw then when one dispels darkness completely and puts their attention steadfastly upon the unity of all things, they gain acess to a infinite supply of energy freely given from Self to self, because by perceiving yourself as one with that infinite energy it becomes yours because it truly is yours. While service to self entities do perceive their own unity with the infinite creator they maintain the strip of darkness not percieving the unity of other self with the infinite creator ( although they do understand it on a intellectual level) and thus they do not gain full access or identification with infinity, this leaves their own energy insufficient for infinite growth, they become like the parasite of nature, needing to siphon and commandeer the energy of others selves to continue forward. However in the case of that great being I witnessed feeding upon the beings of the earth, I interpreted the feeling of it being a graduation drama as that being having reached the pinnacle of growth possible without love, or the full unshrouded perception of other self as the self. And unawares to itself, it was about to shatter its own carefully maintained strip of darkness by merit of its own growth and progression. It fully believing it had been successful in its attempt to make the unreal real, believing that it really could be separate. Having sought to clothe its separateness in all the sparkling glory of infinite creation, that it could really become a second source, a second infinity. But it had a blind spot, it still had to suffer from fear, like the other selves upon which it fed it too had a fear cocoon, Its fear cocoon was thin and vast it was almost imperceptible but still it was a finite container, not infinity. It could not see its own cocoon because it did not want to see, this not wanting to see being a mechanic of all fear and its only means of survival for it can never survive the light of clarity. It still feared that the perception of other selfs as being its own very self would be necessary for further progression, which would make it impossible for it to fed off of them with untouchable callousness. Upon its graduation that fear would be realized. It having become too great to become any greater without bursting the finite edges of its carefully maintained darkness. After gaining the eyes of full clarity that being would no longer be able to continue the harvesting of others and would have to reverse polarity in order to continue its growth. Looking at it myself now from the eyes of infinity again, I felt many emotions at the same time all in fullness. Pride, I was proud of that being, they were a fool but a great fool, they had grown so much, through so much anguish and through such a difficult road, and it truly did sparkle with glory. Humor, it was a incredibly rich joke, god has a endless sense of humor, the Irony was exquisite, they thought they had won, and they really had, just not in the way they thought they would. At the pinnacle of its separateness and glory the next step towards growth would bring the whole illusion crumbling down as its prize was to see the throne of tortured souls upon which it sat as non other then itself, with no more option of darkness to cover it for it had become too great to fool even if it was trying to fool itself. And compassion and sorrow, eagerness to comfort the trapped souls and nudge them gently bit by bit into their own progress, and eagerness for that great being to also drop its immense suffering and come back into the fullness of light, God had not forgotten about any of them even for a second and was patiently waiting to sound the bell and again declare all is well. Before wrapping up I will try to explain what a meant by love and service to others having a greater "trueness". How can multiple things be true but one have a greater trueness then the other? If one thing is real yet if its realness depends upon something more fundamental in order to be and cant be without the more fundamental ascpect then it can be said the the more fundamental aspect is more true and that the other is a distortion of the light or a illusion of sorts. Another way to explain is by degenerating iterability, upon each cycle of iteration it degenerates or suffers entropy and eventually must reach a point where it can iterate no more revealing its illusionary nature. Anything of a illusionary nature must get its "realness" from something more fundamental, your beingness is the most fundamental thing possible so all illusions ultimately sustain themselves using your attention, you give them reality. So if one steadfastly puts their attention into their own nature they pass through and disillusion all the "shadows on the wall" cast by their own hand, finding only the eternal I AM. The feeling of this eternal I AM is bliss and love( unless their is some even more deep and more amazing expression yet unknown to me) That is the most fundamental reality. Fear, negativity, separateness will always just be temporary games played upon a more fundamental ground, they can not be other then illusion. In way of wrapping up ill share a beautiful universe wink that was gifted to me after returning back to my normal ego. About a week prior to this trip I had been walking the same path and standing upon the same train tracks listening to a wonderful Youtube channel by the name of Brain Scott doing a video on understanding the higher self from the changelings of Quo. The material was really resonating with me and at one point, someone had some question on direct communication with the higher self and the response what anything is possible its literally you from the future so to say, so they wont do anything that would infringe upon its own (your) free will as they of all people know how important that is to growth, but went on to say that within those bounds anything is possible they could even make the stars dance by way of communication if you believed it was truly possible for them to do so. I was in a very loose mood that night and in a embarrassing flight of fancy I asked exactly that to put the theory to the test. I liked the idea of a higher self but never had any interaction or reason to give the idea any substance. I meditated for a second to give my self a fair shot at believing it was possible and literally asked to see the stars dance and know it was from my higher self.... yea nothing. I was in truth a bit disappointed but seeing as the free will clause was included I consoled myself that it didn't necessary disprove it, resigned myself to ignorance on the topic and I went home. Fast forward a week back to my trip on that smoky night. The visions or eyes of clarity or however you call such a phenomena was dying down and I was coming down from that intense peak. It was probably around 2-3 am at that point. I found, had a normal enough sense of ego and having a body again to move, and so I walked up and down the tracks listening to music and trying to digest overwhelming experience I just had. I walked for about a hour until I felt like a could interact somewhat properly with my roommates should I have to upon returning home. Went home grabbed a new water bottle, wrote a poem, and read a few chapters of the book I was reading ' apprenticed to a Himalayan master, a yogi's autobiography' by Sri M while I waited for my phone to charge so I could have music when I went out for another walk ( I cant be kept indoors long while tripping). After all that I set out again, maybe roughly 4:30 am at this point. I felt much more put back together by this point although the visuals were still roaring and I was still drenched in bliss, now very appreciative of the vast splendor before me. I make it back to that same spot on the train track, the same spot I had the "vision" and the same spot I prayed to the higher self a week prior, without thinking to do it first, as I was absorbed in the landscape, I happened to finally look up. The smokey sky was now completely clear and pristine and before my eyes was a something truly spectacular that I will never forget as long as I live, a unending vast ocean of stars brilliant beyond words.... and they were dancing right before my eyes. I had not thought about my silly request once since making it but now it came rushing back to my mind and I wept tears of pure gratitude. As a parting farewell Id like to share the poem I wrote that night. I wish you all the very best and hope you enjoyed the trip report : ) Ever soaked with that precious feeling, the up welling ground of that all knowing & all being A beautiful pure tone over a eternal heart beat All is well All is well A up and down forever swell but All is well All is well Bonus material : When I returned from my second walk my PC was on Youtube, as I had watched a music video right before leaving. And a video titled: Full enlightenment happening live( 1st time in human history), was the first video suggested. The title tickled me so I gave it a watch. Great idea, great inspiration, I had been in a slump where where my personal practice had gotten a bit lazy due to feeling quite discouraged that it too difficult to walk this journey full force while fighting off all the heavy influences of society. But here was this frank guy who used to be a bodybuilder who pulled ridiculous stunts in public for attention, such as having sex in the street and arguing with a female monk about her repressed desires on a public transport in his underwear. As the video shows he had progressed incredibly far in 5 years of intense mindfulness practice, huge transformation. I found this incredibly inspiring and found my motivation to break through my own plateau in meditation rejuvenated. Here's a link to that video if anyone is interested. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4t8KvdMtT4A Here's some vibey songs that played on my second walk that I found very delicious, for anyone randomly looking for some new tunes Love by andrew appelpie Good Swim by Thalab Forgiven by Jim-E Stack comatose by Low hum Air by s. lyre underwaterfall by bearcubs pale blue dot by big wild Tiferet by lsdream Those who are familiar with the law of one may get a kick out of this: the tabs I took had pictures of a radiant sun on them ; )
  3. Try out the guy I recommended earlier, Aaron abke, you might be surprised. Honestly I'd say hes my favorite even with leo in the mix. He's able to simplify complex topics and still deliver the full punch of the teaching. I love leo and his teachings are definitely top notch and unique to anything else out there but some times it gets lost in concepts which can leave people following him soley stuck in their heads over thinking depending on their disposition, you can see alot of people trying to think they're way into understanding love here. Which is still fantastic, its just not going work for love, I would know I spent years trying to think my way there. You have to sit down with all the the parts you avoid about your self and embrace your shit and do the work to heal. You love your way to love, and thats healing. Aaron abke has alot of great stuff on the topic of self healing, and plenty of the good old enlightenment stuff. Definitely a good addition to throw in with all the great teachings you learn from Leo.
  4. they are really good for introducing newbies to awakening, its enough one foot in one foot out that so that it isn't to far out for them to engage with. You guys should check out Aaron abke's channel on youtube, that guy is the real deal. He is a total genius at taking tough abstract spiritual concepts and bringing them down to practical simplicity, in such a way you will probably find it very valuable and engaging no matter what stage your at. He's easily my favorite online teacher ATM
  5. @electroBeam I had similar experiences and it would always show up with this sense that I was close to something huge but I literally felt as if i was dying the closer I got to It: heart rate skyrocketed and twitchy muscle spasms, Wild terrified thoughts, intense feelings of fear and impending doom. Well one night I listened to the actualized episode while out on a walk titled What is actuality... and leo was talking about how death is a concept its not actual, youve only ever experienced being conscious. And for whatever reason it hit me like a sack of bricks as I searched my own direct experience and couldnt find any "Actual" experiences contradicting it. After I saw it I was stunned and finished my walked half dazed. Got home and decided to smoke a bit of weed I had leftover as I processed, It was pretty potent stuff and I wasn't smoking very often so I had a low tolerance. I started to feel myself getting pulled towards that amazing pure indescribable "something" and just like always before BAM the wall of fear, exploding heart rate my whole body was shaking. This time however with my realization fresh on my mind there was a little piece of me that just didn't buy it and looked at the wall of fear kinda like it was a insecure bully trying to puff his chest and intimidate me into backing off. Then there was this rising tide "FUCK...THIS...SHIT" and I just stared into abyss of fear inside and internally yelled DO YOUR WORST I'M NOT RUNNING. Then just like someone flipped on the lights and raised the curtain in the middle of a intense play the illusion was broken, the terror just evaporated and left behind was this feeling of utter empowerment. The coolest thing is it never faded all the way, It left a seed that to this day still grows and it changed "actual" things, Its not like I'm fearless now but now I'm brave. And seeing the contrast from before and after its clear bravery is absolutely necessary for genuine spiritual growth and something that is rarely emphasized enough in spiritual circles, without radical bravery (not lack of fear but willingness to confront it) vast amazing potentials of the infinite self are simply inaccessible. So I encourage you to be brave and find out how just how much of a badass you can be in the face of fear!
  6. I agree but every now and then it can be helpful to pick up the phone again for a reminder and to see if your hearing of message is any clearer. But using them as a replacement for spiritual practices is inefficient because they are inherently unstable and if you use them as your cornerstone your structure will also be unstable. Just using anecdotal evidence people who lean heavily on psychedelics to replace spiritual practice are basically never among those who embody divinity most fully, they can be very high consciousness but they always seem to embody instability as well.
  7. TL;DR Looking advice finding a space where I can devote myself to personal growth and service full-time, The rest is mostly providing context for where my minds at and where what point I'm at in my spiritual journey for those who prefer extra info to tailor their advice. I greatly appreciate any wisdom anyone has to share and if so thanks in advance for taking time out of your day to help. About 4 years ago the universe gave me a gift that totally changed the direction of my life. Psycdelics woke me up from percieving life as the nihilistic materialistic gray blob to a living magical mysterious wonder. I was always obbessed with mystery but after this my obession slowly became more one pointed towards consciousness and spirituality. Then I got a job as a security guard at a data center. This security job was huge blessing, the first 3 years I did the graveyard shift and I was completley alone for most of my shift and as long as I did a tour of the building every few hours and was aware of camera's/ anything going on my employer didn't care what I did between. This opened a massive amount of space in my life where I was a semi hermit barely having to digest "engery" I didnt choose :people ads, etc( had no idea how big a difference this makes) and the 8 hours a day thats usually obliterated by doing things I dont care about in previous workplaces was now open. I started devouring any knowlegde that seemed promising: various mystical traditions, ancient wisdom, podcasts, learning from fellow seekers like leo and others, and started a meditation pratice (TMI method) experimented with the shambavi mahamudra kriya yoga offer by isha/sadhguru (kinda on the fence about my feelings towards the practice and him/isha) The main theme of this stage was Learning and later on the start of the healing process, but I've felt change in the wind for awhile both internally and externally. On the internal side I began to become frustrated by the limits of logical/rational learning. I had always worshiped the intellect but it was becoming obvious there is a undeniable gap between knowing and being or between learning and experiencing. I had sharpened my logical and rational tools to a point and the only thing it revealed was their inadequacy to deliver what I desired. And externally it also seems like this situation is coming to a close. The data center I was a securtity guard for got bought out by another business. The merger will likely be chaotic, its run by a Mormon family in utah and i get the feeling they are redisgining basically everything about the company to their liking (as is their right they own it now) and if the position still exists it seems like it will be very different and will lose many aspects that I found valuable. It just seems like the perfect storm for moving to a new stage in life. If this last stage was focused around learning and figuring out what I wanted to experience in life then I will make the next stage about being and embodying, healing and doing the work. After seeing how all this space changed the quality of my life the thought of going backwards and working the arbitrary grind is stifling, there's zero chance I'd be able to progress and just maintaining conscioussness would be a real challenge. If I can't go backwards to less space then I might as well make the leap into more space. I don't have any obligations tying me down and dont have a many possessions and none that I dont mind losing, nows the time in life to do something like this, although I dont have much money. I want to become even more one pointed to the things that bring one closer to the absolute. I want to find a space where Im devoting my time to spirtual growth and service and hopefully surrounded by like minded people if not then at least solitude. I am not willing to swear any binding life oaths as I take my word seriously and why would this Ignorant version of me try and bind the future (hopefully) less ignorant version of me when freedom is what is sought. It's a bonus if there are willing teachers who give freely of their wisdom but as my motto is: believe nothing disbelive nothing that is not your experience, Im definitly not interested in playing pick a guru but I appreciate aid from wiser peers. Im currently balls deep in researching my options and its difficult because the genuine ashrams/etc dont care much for advertising themselves and the ones that do are mostly focused on your wallet (im poor, gonna have to pay with service), but I figured this amazing forum might have similiar minded peeps with experience in this kind of thing and I'm hoping you'll grace me with your wisdom. The traditions that might have spaces like this which resonate with me the most are probably tantric yoga( kashmir shavism), yogic Hinduism, or any kind of nondenominational space that sounds like it would fit my needs. Buddhism/zen is less desirable to me for a few reason, advaita vedanta is similar but could work out. Very gratiful for any advice or general tips and thanks if you made it through that long post lol.
  8. thanks for the nice reminder, RA is a real hommie
  9. Like many have already suggested forgiveness is going to be powerful ally to your ability to love unconditionally. It's a skill ive been working on personally too that has come up as a big theme in my life over the past year, so I'll share some of the stuff that has helped me 1. It's a skill and your not going to master it overnight and trying is going to lead to frustration. Don't focus on the destination focus on the next step, look for the biggest next step you can actually make and are truthfully willing to make, if the step is too much and you trip give yourself a shot of self gratitude for having been brave enough to try and dust yourself off and try again. If you manage to take few successful step give yourself some appreciation, even the tiniest step is still literally infinitely more progress then not moving. On this line of thought dont think of unconditional love and forgivness as a light switch you can flip easy peasy, for most of us just the DESIRE to love deeper and forgive is a MASSIVE step, maybe you cant just uncondionally love but you can want to do it. This desire is a broadcast to the universe that its okay for it to help give you those lessons, literally pray and ask to be able to love deeper and forgive, Praying doesnt need to be to a literal god or goddess ( though these are great symbols for the divine infinite) it can just be to the universe or agnostic plea to whatever is, it wont matter the universe will respond to your desire the praying is more of a excersise to focus your own desire on your end and a little bit of giving the universe permission to give you those things. 2. As within so without, as above so below, ALL IS ONE. Your progress in love and forgiveness of yourself will be a perfect mirror of your ability to do the same for others and vice versa. If you come to love the parts of yourself you reject you will suddenly find yourself empty of jugdement next time to encounter a "other self" that represents that aspect of you AKA you forgive yourself of your own shadow sides greed and suddenly donald trump and big CEO's stop seeming like monsters and more like suffering people who are just crying out for love. because of this helping yourself heal will help others and helping others will help yourself, this is expands your oppertunities to do this work to being basically constant. 3. This one ties directly into the second point but its gonna happen and so it bears emphasizing. You're gonna fail to live up to your expectations and your conditioning is going to urge you to label this as a "mistake", there are no mistakes in reality just in minds. wither its a mistake or a golden opportunity to apply that unconditional love and forgivness is entirely up you. Also bearing with the second point this also entirely applys to other selfs. Cheers, I wish for you become the infinite fountain of love that you always were
  10. And yet we still desire more. infinity is in our nature, have fun trying remove it, impossible. You have made a astute observation though, but as far as i can tell you've only finished one half of the puzzle. Can you accept that your vulnerability as well as your ravenous hunger for growth and expansion? You are not the thing which grows, you are growth itself. The example of the greek god with little struggle is gray and tepid while the astonishing act of us creatures, self aware of our fragile vulnerable nature, who never the less put one foot in front of the other is of a riveting terrifying beauty, a work of glorious art by a infinite creation. So marvel and walk a little further, I mean what else better do you have to do? haha
  11. @Leo Gura Thanks for the tips! I'll look into the chemicals you mentioned Haha your right there, lsd is a damn fine lover, she leaves you feeling like brand new man every time. May have to give these other gals a call though.
  12. @Leo Gura Maybe shrooms could do the trick I have only done those twice but that was earlier into my actualization process when i couldnt go very deep, but I've done about a dozen heavy lsd trips 300-500 ug. I have had completely life changing insights into love, god, desire, and intelligence but there is always still that persistent illusion of a separate thing experiencing god. A little sliver of duality, but I'm sick of it a want to just be gobbled up and digested. Or maybe its not a illusion because I have been unable to pierce it, but thats exactly why I want to get the big league stuff just to make damn sure. Or maybe I'll try like 700-800 ug I just dont want to trip for multiple days which frequently happens at mega doses, but my level of fucks given is running out haha.
  13. Love is no meek thing, It is a task for the mighty. That there is a powerful man
  14. @Leo Gura May I ask what your purpose behind all the hold back and build up is? My hopeful guess is your feeling out a way to share it such that it finds its way to dedicated seekers only but doesnt cause enough noise to get itself scheduled. I want to try 5-meo SO FREAKING BAD, or hell even regular dmt, Its basically impossible to find unless you make it yourself or risk a dark web order, and I'm getting about that desperate even though I'm clueless about chemistry lol. The idea of a unscheduled psychedelic as powerful as 5-meo is making my mouth water!
  15. Now this is good stuff! This kind of ACTUAL real world applications of all this work we all do is totally something we could use more of in communities like this and others. Count me in. Question though. I have a friend who is deeply struggling right now and I would love some help praying for him. Should I get his permission before putting him and his situation up here. He might not understand completely but would probably let me.