Espaim

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Posts posted by Espaim

  1. Posted

    So , happy news!

    I tripped on magic mushrooms(1g cubensis) and had a lot of insights on my personality and, of course, sexuality. Now my sex drive went up a lot and I have a fuckton of motivation. I start the day looking forward with an amazing mood.

    When I first heard about psychedelics curing depression and anxiety I didn't think it would be so effective lol.

    I saw a psychiatrist for motivation and tiredness and he gave me methylphenidate. It was working for 1-3 hours before taking me into a shitty spiral of unproductivity. Yesterday I took a pill and was even less productive than before. I think I don't need it anymore.

    I'll update in some weeks to see if the effects persist.

    Thank you all!

  2. Posted

    Hey fellow actualizer! :D

    I'll use spiral dynamics to help me on this.

    People at orange and above generally tend to listen when I explain what meditation is, how it works and how they can do it. Some people just appear really uninterested and then I just don't talk about it anymore with them. With those that may be interested (mostly stage green), I ask if they would want to participate in a meditation session with me or some event that happens in my city or some retreat. Rarely someone accepts my invites -_-

    I can't really decide for you on this one but maybe you could use some of this value and personality theory(SD,MBTI, Big Five) to make an somewhat accurate inference of what may happen.

    On how to explain: using those tools you can have a picture of what he might like in meditation. Maybe it's for the stress-relief benefits or for the spiritual connection to the universe or whatever.

    There's only one way to know how the person will react for sure though.

  3. Posted · Edited by Espaim

    So... I didn't die. I was running low on time and motivation and I couldn't update this journal.

    Updates:

    I started studying german inconsistently.

    A glimpse of Truth was shown to me on October 27

    I started going out more and now I actually enjoy it.

    Mood inconsistencies have been diminishing over time.

    I am struggling on university a little because I had a bout of depression from the start to the half of the semester.

    My gym habits started to get shaky. I don't consistently go to the gym 3x a week anymore. Working on it though.

    Meditation time was increased to minimum of 20 minutes. Now I'm reaching around 40 minutes.

    I stopped watching The Simpsons.

    Currently not eating any refined sugar.

    I started drinking coffee again.(now it doesn't have those acute effects I reported before)

    Internet addiction has been reduced by a marginal amount.

    Currently, I'm taking on a daily basis: Niacin(vitamin B3); Bacopa Monnieri.

    Sleep schedule is mostly good.

    For the next month I plan to:

    Work on my grades;

    Go out on weekends once a week;

    Improve my diet by introducing more healthy foods;

    Starting to track my habits religiously.

  10. Posted · Edited by Espaim

    I've been doing shamanic breathing following the instructions on the video for 4 weeks now(1 session per week). The first two times I tried it nothing really happened(15min). Last week I got up to ten minutes and then I had a sudden urge to scream very loudly and I started crying like a desperate person. I tried it again today and give minutes in I got the same result. What might be happening/causing this? Comments? I don't know what is happening really

    Background

    I have been depressed for some time now and it's hard to pinpoint a reason. I'm a college student and I'm not really caring about University. As a result of that my grades are going downhill and I can't give a fuck about it. It's fucking hard to study I can't concentrate a bit. It takes a lot to read even one page with lasting concentration. I've been doing meditation for 15 months 15-30min a day.

    PS: I don't feel shitty everyday, only most days. I made a quick Google search and depersonalization accurately describes what I'm feeling.

    I supplement methyl-b12 and niacin daily; hit the gym 3x a week and got a 6/10 diet

  11. Posted · Edited by Espaim

    I've been eating 4-6 eggs a day since Saturday and I'm already feeling better. Libido is going up slowly but noticeably. I caught my mind having some sexual thoughts sometimes; I didn't have those for ages. I'm also feeling noticeably more confident(not sure if its caused by eggs).

    @Michael569 Thank you for your suggestion. I'll probably buy it when I run out of rhodiola rosea.

     

  12. Posted

    Since 2016 I really decided that I wouldn't try to have conversations with people over text, only using it as a tool for scheduling going out with people. Now that I'm working on improving my social skills (they're already way better btw) I'm reviewing my old concepts about online communication.

    Why I'm reconsidering it? Because I don't really see my friends regularly and the best way (as I think right now) to improve my bonds is by IRL conversation and acitivities. I already started inviting some of them to go out to museums, smoking weed, meditation and simple activites like those (yeah, I know, the weed part...).

    In short: 1. Is texting a crucial social skill to develop so one can have a more fulfilling social life?

    2. If yes, do you have any suggestions for developing it?

    3. Your experiences, please.

  14. Posted

    @Michael569
    Do you know your blood pressure? 

    When I measure it it's usually around 110/80

    Do you often get cold extremities? 

    I used to get it frequently but I don't anymore after supplementing B12.

    Do you struggle with any stubborn inflammation? 

    Like in my body? Nothing that I have noticed.

    Feeling of inferiority / shyness? 

    When I'm tired I feel inferior although generally I have low social anxiety. 

    Hard time waking up? 

    Mid time(lol). If I wake up and stay up for 5 minutes then the sleep inertia goes away. I rarely snooze (when I do, it's mostly on weekends).

    Restless leg syndrom or nervousness? 

    It varies but I do have some symptoms of restless leg syndrom. It's not something that bothers me though. After 6:00pm+-2hrs I get a sudden boost in energy and also more anxiety(like a 50% increase, to say a number) no matter what I've been doing throughout the day. 

    frequent shortness of breath? 

    Only after eating too much. I tend to breathe with my belly most of the time, unconsciously.

    struggling with energy during day?

    Only after lunch, between 1:00pm and 3:30pm. Nevertheless, it's manageable. It's like I'm running on 65% body efficiency.

    @flowboy @SFRL

    Oh boy! Soy is my main source of protein. I'll have some trouble ditching it. The problem is that I'm I vegetarian. I don't have a neurosis about eating meat but that's something I'd have to think about. Whey protein and those types of supplements are out of question, as I don't work and my father's income has been reduced after some incidents.

    I'm currently doing a recommended training program made by the gym instructor. It's in portuguese and I'd need to learn all the names and translate them for you. It's doable, just not right now. 
    Anyway, I don't do the exercises mentioned but I can suggest them to my instructor.

    @Meditationdude I just drink tea/(weak)coffee 1-2x a week max. Nothing stronger than that. I also use Rhodiola Rosea 1-2 weeks on 1-3 weeks off.

  16. Posted

    In the matter of sex drive, I feel like an outlier. I'm currently 19 years old at college and my sex drive is very low. When I was 15-17 it was very pronounced but now it's almost non-existant. My friends are about my age and they think a lot about getting drunk and gaming girls while I can't see the point in doing that. Not really criticizing their choice, I would do the same if I had the will to do it, I'm just curious about what might be causing it. I have a hypothesis:

    For 8 months I used Lexapro and it helped me with social and general anxiety but made my sex drive very low. Now maybe I'm suffering of PSSD (Post-SSRI Sexual Dysfunction). Has anyone here had a similar experience with antidepressants and fixed it? I want to fix this shit. On searching for the cause it may be the desinsetization of 5-HT1a receptor but for me that doesn't change anything. I've been off Lexapro for 9 months.

    My current(relevant) habits:

    Sleeping on average 7.5 hours[varying between 6 and 12(very rarely 12, realistically 10)]. I don't wake up at the same time every day. Generally it's 6:00am but some days its 9:30 am.

    Hitting the gym 3x a week

    I am a vegan and I eat mostly (not in any particular order):bread,  beans, soy protein, chickpeas, rice, tomatoes, gherkin, lettuce, apples, bananas and peanuts. I also eat a considerable amount of junk food per day, that being +- 1/6 of my food intake, like chips and sweets. I drink sugary beverages once a week on average.

    I meditate on average 15 minutes a day.

    I take a multivitamin, 1mg sublingual methylcobalamin and 250mg Bacopa 30%. One or 2 days a week I drink some tea.

    Quote

     

    This part may be relevant but you can jump it if you want to.

    I went to a GP some weeks ago because I had some really bad energy/motivation problems and he sent me to do some blood tests. Results:

    Vitamin D: Really fine

    Vitamin B12: low end of good

    TSH: fine

    He said he'd give me some natural herbs before prescribing me some synthetic medicine. Here's what he prescribed(not everything at the same time, I consulted him like 3-5 times, I don't remember):

    Ashwaganda 150mg

    5-HTP 150mg

    Bacopa 200mg(20% bacosides)

    Coenzyme Q10(100mg)

    Rhodiola rosea 150mg

    Rhodiola rosea worked very nicely on my energy issues until it didn't anymore. Those were 2 good months lol. Ashwaganda, 5-HTP and Bacopa made me even more tired. I made some search by myself and bought methylcobalamin and that was the game changer. I have been taking it for one week and my body feels a lot better, like some kgs were removed. Still, there is the low sex drive issue.

     

     

  17. Posted

    Thank you all!

    During the university holidays I had a few insights into my life.

    Caffeine makes me crazy. That's why I said I was pretty sure I was bipolar. I'm probably not. I was just too hyped by the chocolate I ate that day. This can be said because I noticed that right after that day I got depressed three days in a row and some time later my mood stabilized.

    I still have some mild neurosis around relationships and socializing. After becoming conscious of this I decided that I'm going to give up my resistance and try to do what I'm avoiding. That being said, Saturday was one of the best days for me, as I employed this tatic successfully.

    There was a party on my house on Saturday; my birthday party. I had a lot of fun with the people here and let it loose. The perfect environment, I guess. I invited everyone so I have a little bit of connection to everyone, right?(I hope so). I felt very great afterwards.

    The most important point is: last year I wouldn't even have enough people to invite because I was so fucking shy. I'm very happy about myself.

    Nonetheless, I'm aware of fake growth. I can see that my internal neurosis and anxieties turned from strong to mild during this time. So, I'm confident to say that I evolved. Not that there isn't more growth to do (oh my god there is a lot!!!) but I need to compare myself to how I was to see how unconscious I was and how I'm like now. Being done that I can have a little glimpse of what would be like to have magnitudes higher of consciouness level.

    About discipline: I'm using Reddit a lot less, and that was my worst addiction that I know. I still need to develop myself some more to fight my addiction to chips and chocolate.

    Hobbies: probably gonna start playing the keyboard or acoustic guitar this week, along with studying French. I need to get used to my college schedule before inserting those things.

    Have a nice day!

  18. Posted

    First post ever

    Let's get that shit moving!! I'm fucking tired of living a life of ups and downs, more down than up.

    How I started

    I used to be super socially anxious from 12 to 17. Until 15, I used to game a lot and didn't care about my health and self-development.  At 16 I actually stopped compulsive gaming and I noticed that I had fcking crippling social anxiety. I also discovered MGTOW around this age and got obsessed with it (this obsesssion went away a long time ago but I'm still sort of a asexual, my libido is very low). Some of the red pill still runs through my inner game but it's nothing compared to before. When I was about 16 I started going to the gym for real and got more confident. At 17 I started using antidepressives to get by with my social anxiety but it didn't really do much about anhedonia. Those were 8 fucked up months. Nonetheless, antidepressives killed more than 70% of my social anxiety. I still need to work on many areas as I will explain further.

    Current state

    • Hypomaniac, almost jumped off the 2nd floor of my house in the peak of hypomania (I'm fine now, don't worry)
    • Also: I'm on winter holidays from college(you now, I'm on the southern hemisphere)
    • 18 years; Brazilian; currently on college studying Mechanical Engineering

    How my life is right now

    • In the past 2 years I have learned to play the guitar, acoustic guitar and bass, all to intermediate/advanced level and some other instruments. Maybe I'm overestimating my skills but I don't really care. I stopped practicing everything due to college.
    • I usually read 1 hour a day
    • I meditate 10-30min a day.
    • I hit the gym 3x a week.
    • I have a little amount of close friends (one to be more accurate 1) and a bunch of "friends" and acquaintances that I don't really talk when I'm in the depressed phase.
    • I'm addicted to the internet and primarily Reddit.

    What I like to do

    • Playing the bass guitar
    • Hiking
    • Going to museums
    • Going to theaters
    • Biking (sadly my bikes are fucked because I don't have money to fix them. They work, though)
    • Learning (about everything literally, I'm the most curious person I know)
    • Meditating
    • Watching The Simpsons

    Little shitty insights

    • I'm pretty sure I have some type of bipolar disorder but okay.
    • I attract shitty people to my life and only notice after becoming their friends.
    • I start too many things and rarely finish any (at least when hypermaniac).
    • I'm very creative and curious (when not unhealthy) but all this creativity is not really used to something useful, only for useless shit.

    My goals (not in any particular order)

    • Socialize more and develop my social skills (I've been isolating myself a lot due to anhedonia and social anxiety)
    • Actually doing personal development
    • Fix my eating habits
    • Fix my weird mood changes
    • Find an area within Mechanical Engineering that allows me to help people directly
    • Develop a strong routine
    • Grow my influence circle
    • Start working part-time
    • Learn French(up to B1)
    • Exercise 2x a week(cardio)

    Those are not all my goals. I have a pretty detailed chart of everything I want to do but that's too much to type in here, so I'll leave you all with this shitty post.

    Also, I do not plan to post here everyday, only like once every 2 weeks or 1 month just to see how much I have progressed.

    Have a nice day!