flowboy

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Posts posted by flowboy

  2. Posted · Edited by flowboy
    expanded on simile

    Woke up with sadness, 'ugh' feeling, my thoughts are trying to make me believe that I'm a lonely loser and my life is empty. Luckily, I know better :D I just can't see it so clearly now because my thoughts are a jumbled mess. Getting through meditation and affirmations was straight up hard.

    It occurred to me (again) that I'm suffering daily by browbeating myself about the fact that I don't go out enough. Feel horny? Damn it, I should go out more. See a hot girl? I should have gone out more, so talking to her would not be as scary. See a picture of a hot girl on someone's vision board? Damn it, why don't I go out more.

    This is not a new thing. Ever since I learned about pickup 6 years ago I have been neurotically feeling guilty about not doing it. Probably several times an hour. For six years. Here's a crazy idea: maybe if I went out more, even without expecting to like it, I could stop this crazy self-flagellation!

    So that's what I'm going to do. Build a go-out-and-socialize habit. I won't call it pickup yet. I won't expect myself to approach yet. Or to like it. Just take action and show up. If I can hit the gym 3 times a week, I can go out to bars or clubs 3 times a week. I'm picking Tuesday, Thursday and Friday. That means I start today.

    Rules:

    • Sober
    • I don't have to like it.
    • I don't have to approach
    • but I spend at least 30 minutes

    I'm setting the bar very low here because when I go out alone it feels like I'm dragging a child kicking and screaming. This resistance can fuck with me so much that I don't know what to say to people and I've even gotten dizzy from anxiety at times. So I'm not going to drag the kicking, screaming and crying child to a bar and then tell it in a stern voice: "And now, you must HAVE FUN! Laugh, enjoy and be social, darn it!>:(" No. That shit will come LATER. I will just take this basic step, until my inner child starts asking: "Daddy, when are we going to the clubs again?"

    So this is just about ingraining the habit. Tuesday, Thursday, Friday, I'm out by myself. When this becomes normal, I'm golden.

      

    Got up at                           : 8:45
Days in a row with morning routine  : 3
Number of women approached          : 9
Total infield time                  : 5 hours
Total meditation time               : 11h10
Speeches given                      : 2
Books read                          : 0

Days without 
    smoking                         : 48
    alcohol                         : 2
    caffeine except tea             : 2
    TV                              : 2
    grains                          : 2
    sugar                           : 2
    dairy                           : 2
    Porn & Peak Orgasm              : 2

     

  4. Posted

    49 minutes ago, How to be wise said:

    @flowboy Why do you want sex/relationships?

     

    Where did I say that I did? I did not, you are projecting.

    Also you are projecting onto, well, everyone here who doesn't agree with you, that they're in search for happiness in relationships.

    Notice how no one has thanked you yet for sharing your infinite wisdom in this topic. Why do you think that is?

    My take on this is that with this 'purifying' you are fighting to suppress and deny an aspect of yourself. Why do I think that? Because you feel the need to start a topic to project this onto others and fight it in them. As it usually goes with the shadow.

  5. Posted · Edited by flowboy

    5 hours ago, How to be wise said:

    to get you to see that you are wasting your time

    Who is this 'you' you speak of? I am you. So you are wasting your time.

     

    5 hours ago, How to be wise said:

    reduce (or stop if you can) chasing relationships, and chase enlightenment/emotional mastery. Very very very worthwhile.

    So all these Worksheets have mindfucked you to believe that your views are now superior to other's views and you need to go spread them. After all this enlightenment work, you are being a judgmental ideologue. Who "close to" doesn't feel the need for sex, so he has more energy left to go offer unsolicited life advice and tell people how to live their lives. At 19.

    If you really can't see how your ego is running with this, you have a long road ahead.

     

    Is it true?

    No.

    Can I absolutely know it's true?

    You need to get out more.

  8. Posted · Edited by flowboy

    I'm backB| 

    Got up at                           : 7:40
Days in a row with morning routine  : 2
Number of women approached          : 9
Total infield time                  : 5 hours
Total meditation time               : 10h50
Speeches given                      : 2
Books read                          : 0

Days without 
    smoking                         : 47
    alcohol                         : 1
    caffeine except tea             : 1
    TV                              : 1
    grains                          : 1
    sugar                           : 1
    dairy                           : 1
    Porn & Peak Orgasm              : 1

     

    I should add in case I refer back to this later, that there is some mental fog and ... I don't know the word for it. Weakness? Coping. Lack of enthusiasm and wanting to reward oneself easily. Subtle self-pity. I did my full morning routine, but needed to promise myself a dairy-free caffeine-free cappucino at the end.

    Also I'm scrolling this forum without enough attention span to read anything in depth. I'm craving replies on my text messages without anything to say. Just the short dopamine spike. Content doesn't matter. I'm drawing a parallel to the addicted, dopamine-deprived state you can get into after a peak orgasm. Which I'm in, probably.

    Maybe it's the loss of ojas. Maybe it's the shift back into low-carb eating. Probably a combination.

    I expect it to get worse before it gets better :)

    Woke up clutching my chest, with some anxiety/bad mood. I have learnt that this is linked to not having a plan that I trust.

    Which is true: two months of this fine year have passed already, and I don't know yet when I'm going to do some bigger things like the meditation retreat and the LP course. I need to plan my year.

    Also: getting up at 7:30 is going fine, but I want to make it 6:00 so that I don't rush through my affirmation and visualisations.

    I feel that today I'm seeing sharper and my patience for my work is coming back, which is good :)

  10. Posted · Edited by flowboy

    All the zero counters make me feel like I'm back where I started. I may be out of ketosis, but I'm far from back to zero. I will remind myself what I have accomplished:

    • I practically always eat only things that I consider to be super healthy.
      When I don't, I feel weird about it.
    • I meditate, practice concentration, do a cold shower, and do some yoga nearly every day.
      When I don't, I feel weird about it.
    • I don't smoke and am not seriously tempted. Not even when I'm feeling sad. Not even when my friend is also 'making an exception'. Not even when I'm drunk. Not even when I'm on drugs.
    • I have some practice withstanding social pressure and choosing sparkling water when out in a bar.
    • I am in the gym three times a week and I'm looking forward to it every time. There is no effort in making myself go.
    • I have stopped saying I have ADD and making it part of my self image to be a victim of this. Instead, I say that certain food groups cause anxiety and concentration problems for me.
    • I have actually spent some hours on a project that could be LP related. Instead of just fantasizing about doing that.

     

    Notes from the Do Nothing technique video

     

    Breathe. Notice that it's breathing for you.

    Notice your thoughts

    "Now, I'm doing Nothing." Let go of control of attention and mind process. Whatever your mind decides to to of it own accord, you accept it and don't resist it. Eyes open and unfocused, spaced out gaze. "Panoramic vision"

    The only thing you're doing is watching for those moments where you're trying to control, and letting go instead

    You're going to feel guilty about sitting there and doing nothing

    Don't move. Keep eyes open. You do exercise control over the body, but not the mind.

    Let your breathing be deep. Don't control it, but stop restricting it.

    It will seem like you're not progressing but it does work. The extreme monkey mind is a purging process.

     

    I'm going to try it. Right now.

     

    Edit: tried it for 20 minutes. Not sure if I'm doing it right, it feels like I'm at times trying to get lost in thoughts on purpose. When my eyes are open, the focus of my eyes is tied to the focus of my mind, so that when my thoughts bounce around, my eyes wiggle, but when the eyes try to hold still and readjust the gaze, my thoughts fall silent and come back to the moment.

    Another milestone: I skipped the Toastmasters evening to just sit around, meditate and go to bed early. Something I would usually feel neurotically guilty about, and have to justify that with extra activity.

    I'm sooo going to enjoy sleeping in a moment...

  13. Posted

    1 hour ago, How to be wise said:

    I’m not fully purified yet. But I’m working on it. 90 minutes per day.

    I recommend you stop that immediately and put that time towards cultivating a healthy relationship with the feminine

    You have to integrate Orange before moving up the spiral.

    While you're at it, look up what spiritual bypassing is and ask yourself if that's what you want for yourself.

  19. Posted · Edited by flowboy
    meditated more

    Woke up feeling kind of empty and depleted, with some negative thoughts. Which was expected.

    Did my routine with a nice 30 minutes of meditation, and took a MD.

    I am determined to get back on track. 

    Got up at                           : 7:30
Days in a row with morning routine  : 1
Number of women approached          : 9
Total infield time                  : 5 hours
Total meditation time               : 10h40
Speeches given                      : 2
Books read                          : 0

Days without 
    smoking                         : 46
    alcohol                         : 0
    caffeine except tea             : 0
    TV                              : 0
    wheat                           : 0
    grains                          : 0
    sugar                           : 0
    dairy                           : 0
    Porn                            : 0
    Peak Orgasm                     : 0

     

    Edit: this weird, ominous background sadness is back. Not as strong as it used to be, but I'm clearly in a different space than I was a few days ago. I blame it on the peak orgasm and wheat. And maybe the MDMA hangover still a bit.

    It seems that one peak orgasm, I get weaker. A few more, I get dependent, needy and negative.

    Several more, and well, today is what happens. I have been crying a bit in the break during work even! I do not feel like a 26 year old man, but rather like a boy. The masculine sense of direction is not there at the moment.

    Now this is not scientific because I haven't eliminated all the variables. Yesterday I ate some bread for the first time, so that actually looks more like bread causes me to feel sad and weak.

    The thing is, I just want to feel like the awesome version again and improve my life from a place of strength. No time for disciplined experimentation. I'm just going to do all the things that I know are making me feel better.