Tistepiste

I am a Data Scientist with a masters in AI To be honest it makes my job so much easier.. These tools are really a great assistent in code building and understanding new concepts. Before that I had to browse / ask questions on stackoverflow, read documentations, invent my own logic for very specific behaviours. Now I can use these tools to do the heavy lifting for me. However, one must stay on high alert, since these chatbots are fully stupid fully confidently and make you think they make sense while theyre inventing complete new physics

@integral thanks so much. Do you have any practical tips on how to level up your thinking? I am ENFP but I guess that's close to ENFJ? @oOo thanks a lot ♥️♥️ will look into it. @SimpleGuy thanks. Very weird but always thought of myself as good self esteem. But now I realize I probably don't..

Your coping Focussing on the problem instead of the bigger picture Thinking in past instead of in future (to solve situations) Thinking for other person, not yourself Isolating Im not okay, you're okay Censoring yourself Internalizing Obsessive Rumination

Your triggers Open endings (reason: ?) Someone taking authority over your own experience (telling you how to feel, etc.) (reason: body feels control is in danger)

Thanks. Saying "no" is something I've been working on and getting increasingly good at. Thanks for reminding me of this, though, it needed a gentle tap on the hand. However, saying "no" is not always possible in certain situations. If I can't say no, the energy goes inward instead of outwards. I need to find a way to let the energy go even though I wasn't able to do it in that situation's moment.

Thank you! Especially these parts resonated with me <3

So this is something I've been suffering from deeply. And it is extremely debilitating. It could be due to childhood trauma, OCD, ADHD, whatever is going on in my conditioning, but the truth is - sometimes it triggers in me something so deeply, which puts me in a state of confusion that I can't seem to get out from. What happens: When someone tells me how I should feel or who I should be, it’s as if I step out of my own body. I then try to merge their truth with my truth. But that isn’t possible. Because those two truths cannot exist simultanuously. So I end up in a constant struggle. A voice in my head that tells me how I apparently should feel, and a feeling that I actually have. At a certain point, I can no longer distinguish between the two. Then I no longer know what is mine and what is theirs. And then I try to find myself again and understand what I actually feel. But I end up somewhere in a kind of limbo between myself and another. And then I am neither myself nor the other. This happened three times in my life where it had a huge impact; examples: First time: I (a guy) came out to a gay friend I trusted at 18 years old that I liked this guy, I only liked girls until then. I was very confused and a bit scared. He then told me that I was gay, since I liked this guy. When I told him it was my first time he neglected that and said you just wish you like girls cause you don't accept yourself and bisexuality doesn't exist. From that point on everytime I went out in a club or had any interaction with a girl that I liked, his voice popped, telling me my feelings weren't valid, and I'd be confused if I really liked the girl or if I imagined, wish it to be. Whenever I saw a guy that was attractive, his voice popped up, telling me I was gay, and I'd be confused if I really liked the guy or if I imagined it because my friend told me I liked him. Basically, I couldn't distinguish anymore what feelings were mine, and what were posed on me. Everytime I felt attraction it induced anxiety. It took me 5 years to get over it. Second time: I had just completed my first Goenka vipassana retreat. It was amazing, and on the 7th day I witnessed the dissolvment of my own body, also called bhanga ñana. I could literally feeling the energy inside my body to come together and explode outside my body, I was completely empty, and a feeling of infinite unconditional love entered my body for a few minutes. Anyways - reason why I say this is that I felt my meditation technique must be working and was excited that i finally 'got it'. The few days after that however I was completely blocked due to something my teacher said about the experience and my whole body got tense after that. That last day of the retreat - you are sadly allowed to talk then, a guy came up to me a bluntly asked about my meditation experience. I told him my body got very tense the last 3 days and that I got a headache and that I couldnt go past that. He asked me what I did, and I told him I just observe the sensation, label it, and then go back to body scan (Goenka technique that we are taught there). (I now even still feel resistance in going on since I fear it will come back) but then he asked me 'what do u mean 'observe', and I said, just observe without thinking, and he said 'u cant observe without thinking, all the biggest teachers say you are not able to stop thinking, so thats bullshit, so probably thats where u went wrong' After that, my meditation practice was completely fucked up, when going to the 2nd meditation retreat a year later, this conversation suddenly sparked up again, and since I wasnt allowed to talk with anyone, and the teacher wasnt of help either, I spiraled completely. Everytime it was silent in my mind, I questioned it, I started questioning what does it mean to "not be able to stop thinking", but if theres spaces between thought, isnt that the cessation of thought in that moment? What about longer periods of stillness? Is there still thought? But theres monkey mind thought and focussed thought. Whats the difference? I questioned everything about my practice and for 10 days I resided in pure confusion induced anxiety. It wasn't until my 3rd retreat that I spoke with an actual monk that told me of course when you're very focused, there is cessation of thought, where the pull from that thought stopped. Until then, I wasnt able to meditate at all!! Third time I was dating someone, for just a month, but I liked that person very much, and due to very unfortunate circumstances it stopped. It was hard to accept it because of these circumstances. But after 3 weeks I found myself being ok again, and my friend asked about the situation and I told them I think itll take me another week and that Id be fine. She then responded "A week? You mean 4 months! or a year!" Its the way she said it with such force, I could see it in her eyes she was speaking from the heart And BAM, the trigger was triggered. AGAIN, I questioned my own feelings, everytime I did not think about that person, the conversation would pop up "4 months! Or a year!" and then my mind went back to that person and started to overthink things. At one point I didnt know whether I was still thining about that person because of the constant pressure I felt when ididnt think about them, again, since I was trying to reconcile my truth and their truth. I didnt know if I still missed that person due to this mechanic or because I actually missed that person. Recently I learned this is be something called "cognitive dissonance", and my brain just cant handle it at all. Of course for all three examples I talked to friends, looked up sources, but still the thoughts and their pull come back and take over. There's very little that can help me for some reason. What do you have for advice?

I tripped on 15g of Atlantis last night. Oops. It was my first bad trip. Anxiety took over. I tried to surrender, but I was stuck in a very heavy emotion. At some point, a deeper voice came, I asked it questions, it was very wise, it told me the answer to my struggles is to "Start loving it". When asking about anxiet-driven related narrations it winked at me, as if telling me, please, don't go into the story. Don't fuel the anxiety. I have had quite a heavy OCD relapse, the past months. And There's 3 stories thats been on loop in my brain almost non-stop since 2 months. These stories took over the complete trip and pushed me very deep in a feeling of despair and anxiety. It showed me where listening to these stories and giving it attention will get me in a very stuck place. But somehow I was not able to get out of it. I have had only very intense but very good trip experiences before these. Where I was flowing and the universe revealed itself to me. Now I felt like Alice in Wonderland, jumping deeper and deeper in a black hole with only negative energy. My body is still exhausted. And feeling tense. I started listening to Rupert Spira. I am not sure what lesson I learned from this - yet. Well actually, I do. It showed me what it meant to be in the moment, and how my body reacted to it, versus listening to a narration in my mind. These two flip sides revealed itself to me very clearly. When I was just "being", and "being" curious, my felt my body resting and my mind just being calm. When a trigger came up and I gave it attention, I was in a war zone. Of course, I know this already, but now it was very clear on a magnitude x100. I feel a bit stupid, cause I should know better, and Ive been to such profound places in meditation and tripping, and right now I feel I am at square 1 again. The ego-less "Just start loving it", came from very deep, but anxiety also came from very deep. Those two forces collided in a great way. Thought Id share this with you, cause whatever experience is experience whether we label it as "bad" or "good", its still consciousness reveavling itself to us. And this time, the humand mind and body didnt like it, and found no way out of it. And sometimes thats the lesson it needs.

@Michal__ What country?

The mind got more calm, but the body is in distress. I have a pain, needle like pain in the stomach area. Like a very small stone sitting there. It is itching around that stone. My mind alternates in understanding the conditioning of patterns of the mind, following the mind stories and being present. It is not as much in monkey mind. But there's a lot of pain and sadness. I don't want this to become my story. I think this will fade. Will all fade. Eventually. I have the desire to write it all down. The narratives. But at the same time when I start writing it down, I feel a big résistance in actually putting it into words. I'm immediately bored and numb. Its as if I don't want to write it all down though it is occupying my mind. There's just one thing left. It's higher level. It's not from deep detailed obsession anymore. It is more that I can see the system of what happened. And regret the decisions that I made while in turmoil. Even though at that moment I couldn't have done it any differently. My mind pattern is romanticizing the outcome of what could have been had I not. I know this pattern very well Undesired current outcome -> romanticize desired outcome -> find a reason why the desired outcome is not there -> be sad / angry at the event that caused this -> obsess over how that could have happened -> romanticize over how things could've been done differently -> loop

Things are starting to change. The effort to be in the moment decreased dramatically The pain around my heart area is gone The rock-hard lump on my stomach is gone My heart feels tender and very sensitive. My body feels alive. No more raging monkey mind at this moment. I not only recognize the patterns, I can also tune out of them. I have to remain mindful and aware. Recognize when I get caught up in survival-mode thinking. Tap out of it, and focus on my breathing.

Lol this is like 1984. Doesn't sound conscious at all.

@theleelajoker that's what I've been doing my entire life

Hey all, I am debating whether to go on a silent retreat up to 1 year next year. Probably in Myanmar - or at least according to Mahasi Sayadaw's teachings - which worked really well for me in my last two-week retreat. Old thought patterns resurfaced however, and I feel more stuck than ever. I am starting therapy in a few weeks, but also thinking - I am in the lucky position that I am currently able to take a year off without too many consequences. I don't have kids, a partner - I have a good degree and can easily find a job, and I can sublet my room in a big city easily. So: why not? Now the reason why I write this post is I am curious to you all, Have you got any experience with very long retreats? Do you have any recommendations? I can go literally anywhere in the world.. Some stuf I should be aware of / think about before going? Cheers everyone