I would rather kill myself than turn into dad

[trenton]

This is a long story. Dad was a fucking horrible person. I hate myself because I don't want to be anything like that monster.

I'd rather die. I'm afraid that if I act on impulse, than I will be like him. It's a long story. He was a drug dealer, he fled the state to avoid paying child support, he was a horrible criminal throughout his entire life, he broke into the house, he was part of a violent gang, and so on.

I'd rather die than be like him. I don't trust myself to act on my impulses. I'm going to do something selfish. I don't want to fly by the seat of pants and do what ever I want. The only way for me to live a happy life is to allow myself to follow my desires, but I hate being like dad. I'd rather kill myself.

I'm afraid I might rape somebody, do a hit and run, fail to wear a condom during sex, remove a condom during sex like a fucking monster, and so on. I don't want to be a horrible person. I don't want to be selfish. I'd rather die.

I repress my impulses to the point of muscle spasms. It's just too much.

I'm sorry. It's a lot. At least I don't hate myself for wanting vagina.

[Raze]

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qsyP80BydV4

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BVqANXVTLN4

http://happinessbeyondthought.blogspot.com/2012/05/surrendering-i-letting-go-of-suffering.html

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MU1Rp184IT4

[Schizophonia]

What prevents you from having a child and treating it "well"?
You are not your father, you are two different entities as far as I know.

At worst you have a few biological links that may give similar tendencies here and there, but that's it.
Everything else is pure neurosis.

[NoSelfSelf]

I moved topic to mental health.

[Sincerity]

I know it's very easy to say, but try to forgive him. For your own selfish benefit.

If You don't You'll keep carrying him in your mind forever.

[trenton]

@Sincerity I'm not angry with my father. I'm angry with myself. I hate my similarities. It is my own selfishness that I am afraid of.

@Schizophonia I have a few similar tendencies like going for walks and how our brains work. I just don't trust myself sometimes. A lot of it is because of how I behaved as a child. If I don't hold myself back, I am afraid I will act like that child. It makes me hate myself.

[Sincerity]

9 minutes ago, trenton said:

@Sincerity I'm not angry with my father. I'm angry with myself. I hate my similarities. It is my own selfishness that I am afraid of.

Consider You might be angry with yourself because You're angry with him. If You didn't hate him, You wouldn't be afraid of your (supposed) similarities. Consider You might have a lot of unexpressed resentment, blame and grief towards him.

Unexpressed emotions make your mind go crazy and your body tense.

I encourage You to give the book Radical Honesty a read.  

[Schizophonia]

3 hours ago, trenton said:

@Sincerity I'm not angry with my father. I'm angry with myself. I hate my similarities. It is my own selfishness that I am afraid of.

@Schizophonia I have a few similar tendencies like going for walks and how our brains work. I just don't trust myself sometimes. A lot of it is because of how I behaved as a child. If I don't hold myself back, I am afraid I will act like that child. It makes me hate myself.

It's too complicated. You need to see a therapist.

[trenton]

6 hours ago, Sincerity said:

Consider You might be angry with yourself because You're angry with him. If You didn't hate him, You wouldn't be afraid of your (supposed) similarities. Consider You might have a lot of unexpressed resentment, blame and grief towards him.

Unexpressed emotions make your mind go crazy and your body tense.

I encourage You to give the book Radical Honesty a read.  

I read that book already. I think it places too much emphasis on the Catholics. The author probably had a shadow there.

In order to forgive my father I must also forgive myself. The similarity I am afraid of is selfishness. Throughout my life I have hurt others and enjoyed it. I bullied a mentally disabled kid and made him cry when I was in daycare. I did something sexual with my sister when I was six. I tortured the cats when I was a teenager. I beat my sister upside the head with a boot. I got into a fight with her in the car when I was in high school. I was afraid that I would murder my step father over a complicated situation, likewise dad said he would kill him. I didn't call the police on my mother, father, and step father because I loved them. I'm now confused about my feelings toward my step father. I'm confused. The list goes on. I used spirituality to avoid facing life.

Maybe I'll try the forgiveness exercise later. I've got a lot on my mind. It's crazy. I think my life purpose is to be a better dad than dad.

[trenton]

@Schizophonia I talked to the therapist. It was intense. He said he's gonna check up on me in a couple of days. I should be fine. It's just a lot.

[Sincerity]

@trenton Oh, I'm sorry bro. ?

Good luck on your journey!

[trenton]

I'm afraid of the temptation to use trauma as an excuse for selfishness.

I'm afraid of the temptation to use autism as an excuse for selfishness.

This is why I lived in denial of the extent to which these things affect me or hurt me. I want to be better than using my pain as an excuse to pass it on. I'm afraid that if I don't restrain myself, then I will hurt others and/or hurt myself when my selfishness ultimately backfires. Not only would it hurt to be called out on my selfishness, but it would also hurt others through discrediting their trauma. The fear that I would do these things led to thoughts like "I hate myself."

 I understand that all of this is a struggle for love confused for self hatred.

[jimwell]

On 6/13/2023 at 6:41 PM, trenton said:

I'd rather die than be like him. I don't trust myself to act on my impulses. I'm going to do something selfish. I don't want to fly by the seat of pants and do what ever I want. The only way for me to live a happy life is to allow myself to follow my desires, but I hate being like dad. I'd rather kill myself.

I'm afraid I might rape somebody, do a hit and run, fail to wear a condom during sex, remove a condom during sex like a fucking monster, and so on. I don't want to be a horrible person. I don't want to be selfish. I'd rather die.

Yes, if you're going to live only to inflict pain on others for your benefit, then it's better if you die.

Life is naturally difficult. And bullies (devils) make it even more difficult by inflicting pain on others for their benefit.

But I see that you are at least more self-aware than your father. Your father never had the intention to be a good man. But you do. That itself makes you different from him. You must give yourself credit for that. Selfishly feel pleasure for having a genuine desire to be a good man.

Just continue your journey. You know you have accomplished it when you have developed a genuine love and respect for truth and goodness. That makes being a good man automatic. Good luck! 

[trenton]

On 6/13/2023 at 8:12 AM, Sincerity said:

I know it's very easy to say, but try to forgive him. For your own selfish benefit.

If You don't You'll keep carrying him in your mind forever.

I tried. I didn't finish the forgiveness video. It's difficult. There is a lot of intense emotions that I don't have the energy to deal with. There's a lot of anger I don't know how to deal with. It was getting hard to breathe. I might try the exercise outside with fresh air.

[trenton]

@jimwell thank you very much. I considered killing myself because of the fear that I would murder my step father. I understood that I would rather die than become a monster.

It seems that I felt like I was a terrible person due to some kind of childhood imprinting. I believed I didn't have the freedom to not be like my father. There is the whole narrative about me carrying on my father's name, but it's ridiculous, I never believed it.

Basically, the entire family has been full of criminals for a very long time. He  and his father were hoping that one day the cycle would end. They placed their hope on me. I'm not carrying their name though.

[Sincerity]

1 hour ago, trenton said:

I tried. I didn't finish the forgiveness video. It's difficult. There is a lot of intense emotions that I don't have the energy to deal with. There's a lot of anger I don't know how to deal with. It was getting hard to breathe. I might try the exercise outside with fresh air.

That's okay. I get it must be really difficult for You.

But You're gonna make it all okay.  Have faith man. The mere fact that You're really trying speaks so well of You.

Edited June 14, 2023 by Sincerity

[trenton]

17 hours ago, Sincerity said:

The mere fact that You're really trying speaks so well of You.

@Sincerity you have no idea how much that means to me. Thank you.

As for my father, my favorite thing about him is that he's dead. The joy he brought to the family by dying was good. I'm grateful for that.

[Schizophonia]

@trenton 

Your paradigm is hard to unravel in addition to seeming particularly sclerotic. I'm not sure there's much point in speculating here.

If I really have to add something:

I may be wrong at least in part because I only have part of the story, but I believe that you feel guilty because you look like your father and that he abused members of your family that you really love.
You ended up internalizing that you were the last chance for certain members or some kind of similar position that makes you feel like not respecting it is going to contribute to the destruction of those same people.
Does this speak to you?

Maybe you should accept the idea of letting your family die, destroy their lives, because of their own weakness.

I mean obviously, you don't have any interest in doing anything either because it will have consequences that will ultimately go against your agenda (problems with the justice system, confusion...), so you have to limit yourself by pragmatism .
But yeah, you're a big impulsive asshole who wants to fuck girls by insulting them, who wants to hit people who frustrate him etc. like your dad yes.

You are you, and you do not have the duty to be a kind of model of virtue for unstable loved ones, their fragility is their own responsibility and life is a pragmatic balance of power relations and attractions between the parties.

Your only duty is to limit yourself to comply with the law, or to accept the consequences.
Granted, even attitudes not condemned by law can have unfortunate consequences for your interests, but it's all just pragmatism, you see?

The whole question of your neuroses is either (depending on the context):
-Your ability to enforce your energy.
-Your ability to "abandon" certain people.

I don't know if what I said is very clear or even if it's going to be of any use, anyway I don't have time to go deeper than that ah ah, but I'll go see in this rabbit hole. ?

Edited June 15, 2023 by Schizophonia

[DefinitelyNotARobot]

When I was younger I never wanted to be masculine, because I've been hurt by all the "masculine" men in my family. What i had to realize that not all masculinity was bad. Yes, I've been hurt by some immature manifestations of it, but that doesn't invalidate the idea of masculinity as a whole. That's the issue. When people are hurt by one extreme of a spectrum they may attempt to jump to the opposite side of the spectrum which can be just as dysfunctional as the thing they're trying to run away from. When you have a parent that is very nice to a point where it becomes a problem because they can't stand up for themselves and let others walk over them al the time, and you get hurt by it because they can't stand up for you either (since they can't even really be there for themselves, so how are they going to be there for you?) you might end up despising the idea of being "nice" because you see it as being "weak". But what if that's not the case? What if you can be nice without being "weak"?

That's obviously just a random example. In your example I would say that it's the opposite. You might be afraid of allowing yourself to be selfish, because your father was selfish. But actually, by being too selfless, you can also create a lot of suffering! Like if you give ALL of your money away to homeless people, you might not be able to afford food and gas for your car and so you're not able to drive to your job and you get fired and now you can't pay rent, and so on and so on. In the end you might end up being homeless yourself. 

Now imagine if you used that to rationalize not giving ANY money to homeless people. That's the idea of jumping the polar opposite. Optimally you want to find the balance between keeping enough resources so that you can invest in yourself and gain even more resources, so that you can use these extra resources to help others, by giving homeless people money for example. You want to keep enough money to still be functional (which requires some selfishness), but you also want to have love for your fellow humans and share what you've got with them.

The difficult thing here is to accept that your father isn't a amorphous blob of "bad", but a nuanced and complex being. There aren't any easy answers. By calling him bad like that's all he ever was you're trying to reduce him to something simple, which is easier than to sift through all the things he represented and find the good and separate it from the bad. Rejecting him as a whole is much more convenient and comfortable than to actually engage with his way of life. That doesn't mean that you have to be exactly like him, but you can also get caught up in trying to eliminate all resemblance you have to your father, which might end up keeping you from realizing your full potential as a human. Not everything he did was bad. Not every resemblance you have of him is bad. Some might be dysfunctional and it's okay to admit that and to try to grow from that, just as any flower must grow out of dirt, but to confuse "some" of it being dysfunctional with "ALL" of it being dysfunctional will create a lot of suffering for you, because you will have to constantly keep rejecting yourself. You will have to run for the rest of your life.

[trenton]

I actually love my father. It just hurts to love him because he's a fucking bastard. It happens a lot in my life. Love is fucking painful and it made me afraid to love. I wanted to avoid the pain of loving and in doing so I still fucking hurt. I fucking hurt because I hate myself and I have been struggling to love myself for my entire life.