I think I need therapy

[meta_male]

My whole life I dealt with life's challenges all on my own without my parents really giving a shit about me. Every instance when I tried to express myself authentically I was mocked for my (rather quiet) personality and put down for my passions and "sinful thoughts". A lot of bible bashing too. Whatever I loved doing was wrong or not good enough. They also managed to sabotage my relationships and get me to confess to masturbation. One time my mum was screaming at me for making out with the girlfriend I had back then. She was spying on us through my room's window and stormed in like the fucking Special Forces.

 

My parents have always been isolated and only mingled with other cult members, who used to treat me the same so it was just what was normal for me and I became extra careful not to open up too much. I was brainwashed to the point of being terrified of questioning the belief system I was raised in even though many things just didn't make sense to me. But repeatedly being told I'll end up in the most torturous hellfire imaginable for eternity if I don't follow their rules and behave as I was expected, I saw as them looking out for me.

When I finally mustered up the courage to leave their community they said this means I'm not going to be part of their family anymore. I kinda expected this might happen as I saw how others who left were shunned. Still, it was pretty shocking to hear this from my own parents.

 

I thought I could leave this all behind six years ago, but lately more and more of this BS is coming up again, just on a deeper and more intense level. On top of this I realised last year my now ex is a narcissist. Has honestly been the shittiest year by far and there's only so much more I can take to function properly.

 

I really underestimated how much love and compassion I missed out on as a child until recently. I think what I need is just someone to validate that my experience has in fact been very abnormal, because there's this constant battle between wanting to express my frustration and thinking that maybe I'm just overreacting because most people are too egotistical to care anyways. But I need to tell my life's story to someone who's actually interested and can get me a little more motivated about life. I've just been way too quiet and understanding of other people's perspective which put me in a pretty bad place mentally.

 

So what forms of therapy do you think are worth trying out here?

[IDressMyDog]

I feel that. Sorry for what happened to you!

It's actually best to explore it all with a therapist - sudden awareness can hurt and could potentially be really difficult to deal with by yourself.

It depends on your area and who you can find - perhaps Internal Family Systems? I guess it's better to meet in person. Anyone who is dealing with CPTSD, childhood traumas etc. It boils down to re-parenting work and gaining awareness to what extent it affects your life - so whoever specialises in inner child dynamics.  

Good luck!

[Ulax]

@meta_male Hey mate,

Perhaps humanistic psychotherapy or internal family systems therapy could be of value to you.

[Tyler Robinson]

Maybe family therapy can work. 

It seems your family has a toxic dynamic 

The number one reason why people get depressed or feel unwanted. 

I can relate 

 

[TheGreekSeeker]

Do you still keep contact with your family? From my experience, systemic approach is very holistic, it incorporates aspects from different approaches, the therapist wants to meet your parents, your siblings, your spouse etc. Group sessions cost more. In cognitive-behavioural therapy things are more structured. The therapist tries to help you deconstruct your core beliefs about yourself, you keep a diary of events that occured in each week regarding cognitive distortions. You don't know what approach will help you the most. You have to try.

[meta_male]

Thank you all, really appreciate it ?

@Tyler Robinson Yes, the family dynamic is very narcissistic. My grandma actually fought off tanks as a young adult and my mum was beaten, so I can see where it all started. Sorry to hear you experienced abuse too, it can get pretty ugly.

@IDressMyDog Re-parenting work resonates. I notice myself looking for healthy role models everywhere I go.

@TheGreekSeeker Never heard of it, sounds interesting. I keep in touch with them every now and again, but generally limit contact to the minimum. Talking to them about this is actually impossible, let alone in the presence of a therapist. Even if it helped me, they wouldn't approve of me talking to anyone about any of this.

I'll look more into systemic psychotherapy, I think this could benefit me a lot. Another thing I was thinking is booking some Tantra sessions just to heal limiting beliefs in the sexual area. Does anybody have any experience here?

Edited January 6, 2023 by meta_male
Grammar

[Raze]

Get ifs therapy 

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=m7GVaW4SESc

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OHhn7NCjGiA

https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/psychologically-minded/201604/how-choose-therapist

Edited January 6, 2023 by Raze

[Lila9]

I'm so sorry you went through all of this. I hope that at least writing about it and sharing your life story gave you some relief. I wish you to find the motivation and even the geniune passion for life to grow high above all of this, to be happy, heald and content with life ❤️?

[meta_male]

@Raze Cheers, I'll check it out ?

@Lila9 That's sweet. Yeah, you're right, it did give me some relief ❤️ Sometimes it takes me years before I decide to get help, but this should get the ball rolling.