"intimacy"

[Judy2]

 

i just want to know that everything will be okay

[Judy2]

lol i don't know why i like this song, but it's kind of fun to listen to. it has this sarcastic undertone again, yet at the same time it empathises with some perspectives you might consider to be "unconscious", reactive, selfish or close-minded - to the extent that they are actually seen as a valid stage to be at.

perhaps the song also speaks to the part of me that kind of feels like a conscious dose of toxicity and "unconsciousness" can be quite sexy. please don't quote me on this though:)

Edited June 12, 2023 by Judy2

[Judy2]

i had a few good days last week, but now i feel how sadness and pain are dragging me down again

it's sad to see how they will never quite go away, how there's always something that seems deeply tragic

maybe this has been so deeply engrained into my being that by now, i wouldn't even know how to live without it

and it's somehow my fault, that deep down i still believe tragedy is the superior form of Love

 

there's more to Life than tragedy, of course...but it's a part of it. and i feel so overwhelmed when trying to navigate this. i'm trying to allow good things to happen these days, but this. can be so. incredibly. overwhelming...

i wish i could feel more at peace somehow

more at ease with myself and the world

[Judy2]

i feel quite embarrassed and ashamed of myself right now. in some classes at uni i am particularly anxious and practically unable to pronounce proper grammatical sentences...and everyone who sits behind me gets to see how i compulsively save my word documents like, idk, 50 times an hour? 

Edited June 15, 2023 by Judy2

[Judy2]

i am unexpectedly anxious today. just leaving this here to ground myself somehow. i guess i simply had a lot going on at uni and i feel stressed and agitated and unsafe....even though practically everything's fine. 

i feel like i need some time to ground myself, to breathe and reflect. things have been going a little too fast and i didn't get the chance to catch up, take notes, meditate, etc.

[Judy2]

i briefly wanted to share some of the things i have felt grateful for in the past few days or so:)

 

▪ i asked my friend/neighbour if she could help me deal with a problem i have in my apartment that i cannot seem to fix on my own. she said yes of course, and i was just really relieved to see that someone is there to support me when i need it.

▪ last week i went swimming at the sports centre on campus for the first time. i couldn't have done this last year, and i certainly couldn't have done it the year before. apart from the hilarious fact that at 21 years old, i am still scared there might be a shark or snakes or jellyfish or a squid in the pool, it feels nice to move my body in the water. just the fact that i am free to do this now is worth quite a lot. 

2 years ago i couldn't even leave my apartment at certain times of the day and only wore long sleeves in the summer. now i can wear shorts and t-shirts and dresses again. i remember how i had to work my way through all of that last summer, and i am glad that by now, on most days i do not have to worry all too much about this. even though i'm not super comfortable either, on average i no longer feel i have to hide my body as much. 

▪ i do have moments when i think i look cute.

▪ the other night i wrote an email to ask my teacher for an extension of a deadline because i wasn't doing well. he was really understanding and when i read his reply, i felt so grateful and relieved that he could sympathise with my situation. it really does make a huge difference.

Edited June 16, 2023 by Judy2

[Judy2]

 

comme toi, je me demande parfois si l'amour n'est qu'un triste rêve
est-ce l'odeur ou le grain de la voix qui font que nos battements s'élèvent?
quands les corps s'enlacent, les cœurs s'embrassent, la vie s'enflamme et tout repart, oui mais
nos sentiments sont comme ces nuages qui s'habillent de peur ou d'espoir, tu sais
tant de questions s'en viennent et le temps me rapelle
qu'il est urgent, ma belle, de nous aimer
à l'intérieur, l'Éden, un jardin pour soi-même
un cri du cœur qui cherche à s'exprimer

moi, je veux aimer toutes voiles dehors
à l'air libre, au doux son des accords
qu'importe les joies, les peines
aimer où le vent me mène
moi, je veux aimer toutes voiles dehors
en mon cœur comme des envies d'encore
rire au nez des chrysanthèmes
aimer où le vent me mène

[Judy2]

i might delete this later (as usual, i guess) but briefly wanted to comment on one of the things i said here. 

"i feel like i am starving, on an emotional level"

interestingly enough, about a week ago my mum texted me in the early morning hours to ask if everything was okay. she said she'd had a nightmare of me starving to death.

what she thought she was referring to then was the fact that i could have starved to death three years ago....only that i didn't. 

her comment made me angry, because it just confirmed to me again that she only cares when i am physically, visibly ill. i never made myself ill for that reason, but now that i no longer have a fragile, ill body that could speak for me....i feel sad, disappointed, angry, left alone. i guess the worst part about being anorexic was that it worked.

shouldn't she, of all people, know that this is much more about an emotional struggle? how couldn't she understand that the real thing she should have been concerned about all along was my mind, my heart, my emotions....the things that made me do these things to myself, the things that made me treat my body so poorly?

shouldn't she see that i'm still not fine today? ....ouch.

[Lila9]

@Judy2 It's interesting that you feel like you are emotionally starving and your mother had a nightmare that you were starving to death.

Like, wow, it's fascinating that some aspect in ones reality is communicated in another person's dream. 

I'm sorry that you feel like she doesn't see your emotional pain but only the pain that is physical, my mother has the same mentality.

I didn't know that you have suffered from anorexia, I know that it's a tough thing that many people never recover from...  You must be a strong individual if you survived this.

If it means something, I would like you to know that your internal pain is valid and isn't invisible for me. 

 

 

 

[Judy2]

@Lila9

thank you:) i really appreciate it.

[Judy2]

@Lila9

16 hours ago, Lila9 said:

@Judy2 I'm sorry that you feel like she doesn't see your emotional pain but only the pain that is physical, my mother has the same mentality.

i'm sorry that you had a similar experience in that regard.

can i ask if you frequently dream of your mum?

[Lila9]

@Judy2 Sure, I dream about her quite often, sometimes she "plays" the villain in my dreams lol

[Judy2]

@Lila9 haha same:) i was wondering if she represents a part of myself, but i wouldn't know which part.

[Lila9]

@Judy2 Lol ?

Intresting, it didn't come to my mind that dreaming about someone may represent part of ourselves, now I'm wondering what part in me she may represent as well.

[Judy2]

@Lila9

Edited June 17, 2023 by Judy2

[Judy2]

....i just hate where i'm at right now.

i hate how chaotic and overwhelming everything is, and how painful everything has to be.

it's so much, it's too much.

there's so much pain, no matter what i do or which route i choose to take. 

and none of it is easy, all of this is so incredibly difficult.

[Judy2]

i hate to be using this journal to complain all the time, but life is kind of tough right now and i just feel so alone, so helpless, so depressed.

it feels like things are never going to get easier for me. 

Edited June 19, 2023 by Judy2

[Judy2]

One need not be a Chamber - to be Haunted -
One need not be a House -
The Brain has Corridors - surpassing
Material Place

Far safer, of a Midnight Meeting
External ghost
Than its interior Confronting
That Cooler Host.

Far safer, through an Abbey gallop
The Stones a'chase -
Than Unarmed, one's a'self encounter
In lonesome Place -

Ourself behind ourself, concealed -
Should startle most -
Assassin hid in our apartment
Be Horror's least.

The Body - borrows a Revolver -
He bolts the Door -
O'erlooking a superior spectre -
Or More -

                          ~ Emily Dickinson 

[Judy2]

i value the moments when i can rest and relax. 

they aren't there all the time...but when life is exhausting, i'm feeling chronic discomfort and i have a lot going on inside my head or at uni, i begin to understand that i just need some peace and relaxation to recharge.

even if it's only for a few minutes...feeling comfortable in my mind and body - right here right now, without any "direct impact" or "constructive results" - is worth so so so much.

it's comforting to know that i can consciously try to have a few of these moments every day, inbetween whatever the hell is going on in my life.

maybe knowing that these moments will come to me, again and again, makes everything else a little easier to stand. 

i started to cry while writing this, so apparently this is deeper than i thought it was. maybe because i am quite exhausted most of the time and find that oftentimes i am unable to simply relax and be, even if i would want to.

i'm working on it, i really am. i'm trying to let the bad things come and go. when they won't go away so easily, i'm trying to let them be for the moment. and i'm trying not to hold on too tightly to the good things either. 

...it's okay, and everything will be okay.

[Something Funny]

@Judy2 yes, everything will be okay <3