"intimacy"

[Judy2]

@Something Funny thanks, i'll try:)

Edited February 22, 2023 by Judy2

[Judy2]

 

[Judy2]

today has been really intense. like, really, really, really intense.

i do feel like writing helps though. not the mindless 15 pages at a time kind of writing, but the more deliberate approach i can take. sorry if it's bad quality, but it helps. even if i write some really depressing stuff....i feel like it can transform the pain into art. i can read the words out loud and after a while i am more detached, i'm telling someone else's story...i guess?

Edited February 22, 2023 by Judy2

[Judy2]

i went for a short run this morning and was feeling kind of okay. even sat down to study a little, but maybe i can't take it.

i don't know if i can, i'm really trying, but maybe i can't 

i'm just scared that it's only gonna get worse if i slow down, it's gonna take even longer to get my degree and i'll be stuck for even longer in this town

i don't know what to do

i feel like i have to hold myself together to prevent it all from getting worse

i never slow down. i don't do slow. 

i'm so overwhelmed with the situation and don't know how to deal with it

[Judy2]

why did i survive an eating disorder just to go through all the things i'm going through now? 

i'm in a state of crisis and don't know what to do or what will happen next

[Judy2]

 

[Something Funny]

On 2/23/2023 at 10:30 AM, Judy2 said:

i went for a short run this morning and was feeling kind of okay. even sat down to study a little, but maybe i can't take it.

i don't know if i can, i'm really trying, but maybe i can't 

i'm just scared that it's only gonna get worse if i slow down, it's gonna take even longer to get my degree and i'll be stuck for even longer in this town

i don't know what to do

i feel like i have to hold myself together to prevent it all from getting worse

i never slow down. i don't do slow. 

i'm so overwhelmed with the situation and don't know how to deal with it

You can do it. Of course you can. All those challenges will only make you stronger in the end.

I think that you are a really lovely person and I think that you were created like that for a higher purpose. Not just to be buried down under the weight of some random problems. So you will make it.

[Judy2]

@Something Funny

that's nice of you.

yes, i will make it somehow. i'm just a little exhausted at this point.

[Judy2]

i am
this silly little paradox
that i just can't seem to resolve.

[Judy2]

maybe i'm too broken now to allow people to love me.
that now maybe when someone's there, i simply cannot take it.
in some twisted, toxic way ...it feels even better to know that someone would be there to love me, but i won't let them. when before, no one was there and i thought i needed and wanted it so badly.

[Judy2]

 

[Judy2]

i love these moments when Life feels like a novel to me


 

Edited February 28, 2023 by Judy2

[Something Funny]

@Judy2 have you ever tried mushrooms? Or some other psychedelics?

[Judy2]

@Something Funny i've done lsd, maybe 15 times or so. 

at the moment i'm hesitant about tripping though cause i'm scared that my anxiety is gonna be too intense. my sensitivity is very high so even a microdose can feel like a full trip.

[Something Funny]

@Judy2 I see. I asked because I just had probably the best trip of my life.

I started it feeling depressed and frustrated with myself and my life. But then managed to work through all those emotions and find answers to a few issues that were bothering me in life. And ended the trip in a very peaceful and fulfilled state.

So I wanted to share and was wandering if that's something that might help you as well. But of course, you need to follow your own judgement and decide whether this is something you need right now or not.

[Judy2]

@Something Funny that's great, i'm happy for you:)

and thank you for your suggestion. i'll keep this option in mind.

[Judy2]

i've been doing a little better in the past few days, but i still get stuck in endless loops where i come up with all these reasons why i'm a bad person.

i'm so cringe, i'm so ugly, i'm so bad

i'm so incompetent, i'm so childish

and this is so uncomfortable.

 

...trying to let it go though.

[Judy2]

 

https://youtu.be/xqy7Gqgu1BU

 

[Judy2]

this afternoon i called my mum because i was told that it would be helpful to inquire a little into her pregnancy with me, my birth story and early childhood years. it was helpful and also healing in many ways - to hear about her emotions and how much she cared about me. how she was trying to stand up for me when dad didn't really care to. it made me cry, in a good way.

but then she started talking about my experience from age 13-17 (should have been 18 anyway) as if i'm doing completely fine now. and that hurts. while i try to keep a lot of things from her because i don't want her to worry about me...it hurts that she fails to see that i'm not fine, that i'm actually still struggling a lot. and it hurts to see that, although she should know better by now, apparently she'd take my situation a whole lot more seriously if i was still underweight. ouch.

[Judy2]

now i'm very emotional and a little upset or something. cause i feel like no one understands how MASSIVE it is to give up yourself and have the courage to stick around when it would be so much easier to leave. it's so massive that i have no words for it. but from the outside it's this unspectacular little thing where "it can't have been that bad if you survived and you're healthy now", and no one cares about the intensity of the whole experience.

sorry if i upset anyone now and make it sound like i demand external acknowledgement or whatever. that's not what this is. i'm just personally at a loss when i think of how huge all of this is. and i'm at a loss when i don't know how to communicate it or make it seen, make it count.