"intimacy"

[Judy2]

in many regards i'm probably doing better than i did at the beginning of the year, but i'm still struggling. in the past few days a lot of negativity towards myself has built up again.

i feel quite alone with this, i feel like no one sees or understands me. which is kind of painful.

i feel like i'm ugly, fat, inferior, not good enough, not pretty enough.

Edited September 21, 2023 by Judy2

[Judy2]

i had a rough day yesterday, but i'm really trying to let that go and see that it's all okay.

this morning i woke up feeling quite excited about my upcoming trip to London:) i have already booked my flights and a room in a shared air bnb, and i'm really hoping to have a good time! it's true that i'm still having mixed feelings about it, but i'll try and focus on how exciting this will be. i've got a list of things i'd like to do and places i'd like to visit, and if i'm lucky my flat mates will be open to spending some time together as well.

[Salvijus]

6 hours ago, Judy2 said:

this morning i woke up feeling quite excited about my upcoming trip to London:) i have already booked my flights and a room in a shared air bnb, and i'm really hoping to have a good time!

?

Cool:)

[Judy2]

2 hours ago, Salvijus said:

?

?

does it sound too basic?

[Salvijus]

1 hour ago, Judy2 said:

?

does it sound too basic?

I like the "I don't know what's gonna happen" vibe actually.

[Judy2]

2 minutes ago, Salvijus said:

I like the "I don't know what's gonna happen" vibe actually.

i don't. i'm freaking out right now and don't know if i'll manage to let go of the anxious feelings. 

there's just so much uncertainty and i can never get rid of it. i really wish i could.

[Salvijus]

@Judy2 yea i have good feeling about the trip:) anxiety just means adventure now, hehe.

[Judy2]

Just now, Salvijus said:

@Judy2 yea i have good feeling about the trip:)

thank you:) i hope you're doing well!

[Salvijus]

[Judy2]

so today's the day, i'll get on the plane this evening. 

for the past few hours, and probably days, i've been feeling super anxious, stressed, nervous.

i hate myself, i want to cry.

[Judy2]

i'm trying to be positive and excited, but i'm also rather terrified.

it's been a long day and i was going to share a more detailed report...about how huge the airport was, that this was my first time flying on my own and my first time having to switch planes in a random city, that i've been concerned and worried about so many things, and overall just anxious. sometimes i'm calmer and then i realise again how crazy insane and unsafe this is... i thought the flight might be the hardest part, but maybe the next few days will be just as challenging? i didn't want this to be "a challenge" though...hm...

now i'm in my air bnb, glad i remembered to bring my night light from home so that i can feel a tiny bit safer when i go to bed. my flat mates are making too much noise though...i dislike that.

i really hope the next few days will be easier. 

[Judy2]

today i went to see As You Like It at the Globe:)

[gettoefl]

[Judy2]

51 minutes ago, gettoefl said:

(:

Edited September 28, 2023 by Judy2

[gettoefl]

someone is proud of you, hope you enjoy you trip judy, you are the real deal

[Salvijus]

1 hour ago, Judy2 said:

i just feel like i'm such a strange person, i'm completely clueless as to what i'm even doing.

You're supposed to take bunch of pictures and selfies and post them on your fb or something. that's what tourism is all about.

Jokes aside. I can actually imagine how awkward you feel out there lol. It's not that bad tho

Edited September 28, 2023 by Salvijus

[Salvijus]

20 minutes ago, Judy2 said:

although i'd like to get one pretty picture of myself... but apparently that's not possible?

One moment of genuine "wow this feels great" everyone should find on their trip. That's usually a good picture aswell. You can consider the trip a success then

Edited September 28, 2023 by Salvijus

[Judy2]

i've been feeling embarrassed about my posts again, so i deleted some 

now, technically there are lots of things i could write about, but it's all so much that i don't know where to begin and where to end.

yesterday i was feeling rather sad, today mostly just tired. i went for an evening walk with a friend and we talked about what's going on in his personal life. if i think about it now, i feel sort of honoured that he opened up to me like that even though he was feeling shy about it. somehow i never get the chance to be particularly vulnerable around him, but perhaps that isn't so bad because i'm able to be more receptive, calm and compassionate then...actually i'm sort of happy to see how i say all the right things and ask all the right questions. i felt the same way a few months ago, when he talked to me about how he calls a particular phase in his childhood the nazi-phase. he's a history student, so for him that's the most fitting label he can use to demonise his hurt inner child...and still he's so drawn to history as a subject...i don't know, i think it's peculiar and have been wanting to share this at some point. he really is a very kind, respectful person...sometimes too kind and polite, i feel.

(...)

Edited October 6, 2023 by Judy2

[Judy2]

 

[Judy2]

i have a profile picture on WhatsApp now:)

sounds so simple but for me it's a big deal. i haven't had one in three years and at first i took it down again because the longer i was looking at it, the more imperfections i noticed.