"intimacy"

[Judy2]

3 hours ago, Judy2 said:

this afternoon my friends and i left town for a couple of hours to go for a walk in nature. 

aaaaaah i got the photos:(

they're not super bad and in some ways i look pretty. but then i can point out a handful of things about me that RUIN everything, so that overall i'm quite ugly. like, my hair is the only thing about me that looks nice. why does my FACE have to ruin it?? means that i can't even get a nice shot of my hair because my face is inevitably there, too...

and people have to look at that when they talk to me.

and then when i'm 40 or 50 i'll look like my parents:((( so is it only getting worse from here?

[Judy2]

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i want to experience pregnancy.

i want to experience motherhood.

i want to experience what it's like to be fully committed to the task of raising a child. this means the world to me and i imagine it would be such an important and infinitely fulfilling thing for me to do.

i pray that this will work out for me.

••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••

[Judy2]

if you're gonna hurt me, hurt me.

and if you're gonna comfort me, comfort me.

but don't hurt me halfway and think you can comfort me then. cause i'll want either more pain or comfort, not this you-can't-get-more-comfort-i'm-sorry-but-i'll-still-give-you-a-hug.

if you're gonna say bye but still be there to hold me while i'm heartbroken or whatever; i couldn't take that version of "love". i don't want it, it's torture. 

the look-i'm-so-nice-and-perfectly-caring-but-you-can't-really-have-me. that's like worse than if you were mean from the beginning.

why's it always the same scars, over and over again?

[Judy2]

there is no need to explain the context or anything

but right now i'm feeling really emotional and sad.

i feel Love and a lot of sadness

i've cried a lot today 

and i'll be alright, we'll all be alright, everything will be alright.

but i'm also really sad and wish things could be simple and easy for once.

[Judy2]

i tend to feel like i am obligated to categorise, analyse and interpret everything.

this has certainly helped me develop a sophisticated view on life in general... but i wonder if i am really "obligated" to do so, and it would be a relief to find out that this is not the case.

that i'm allowed to be, with a lot of contradictory thoughts inside my head, with emotions that keep shifting...with Being that flows in ways that are beyond what the mind can conceive of.

which is why i am beginning to value silence a lot more. 

[Judy2]

 

[Judy2]

i'm currently at my grandma's and as usual, the house, garden and the fields and woods surrounding the village are sublime.

the other day i went for a long walk and, strolling through the fields, i saw a fox:) in the middle of the afternoon.


in the past few weeks i have certainly had my ups and downs. about two weeks ago i had a phase when i was looking back and felt painfully aware of the chronic issues i have been dealing with for the better half of my life; loneliness and the feeling of not belonging anywhere (or with anyone) being at the top of the list. i felt really desperate for a few days - although a part of me might have known that i was feeling so desperate precisely because things might be going uphill soon? and that's a crazy thing to say, especially since i'm still scared and hesitant. "i can't just go on and be happy and healthy now; not now, not yet...that's just way too easy..."

in the past two weeks there have also been a few tough moments with someone i care about a lot. essentially i cried until my eyes started to hurt on Tuesday night, but after that hardly any of the sadness was left. what remains now is a lot of sweetness every time i think of the moments we shared. from time to time i'm still sad or in pain, but i guess it will be alright.


in the past few days, i have also had a few insights on my "anxious attachment style", if that's how you call it. it's not like i haven't thought about this before, but understanding that "the good and the bad" aren't really the problem definitely helps me put things into perspective. - the real problem is my clingy, anxious way of relating to these concepts...and as a result also to my own thoughts and emotions (which is where it gets really problematic).

one of the ways in which this manifests is my obsessive-compulsive approach to my journalling practice (i'm mostly referring to my private journal here). i love journalling, i love expressing myself through language and it can be helpful to process certain emotions - but constantly needing to update, correct and reformulate my handwritten notes also creates a lot of unnecessary anxiety. this is definitely something i need to tackle, although i'm not quite sure how.

[Judy2]

i've mostly been doing okay for the past few days, but today i find that i'm a little sad and emotional again.

 

also, this is unrelated but every time i come across this channel again and watch a few videos, it makes me cry. maybe because you can really tell how much loving effort she puts into taking care of children who come from otherwise really toxic, dysfunctional homes.

https://youtube.com/@foster.parenting 

[Judy2]

https://open.spotify.com/track/2KReCz1L5XkGIBhDncQ5VZ?si=_xune4qYSTmiEz96isMJPA

[Judy2]

i'm still struggling with loneliness. even though i'm friends with some people, it's like no one is there in the moments when it would count. 

i'm having a hard time trying to figure out how to resolve this issue.

and right now i feel sad, frustrated and a little desperate.

[Judy2]

okay i thought i'd share something a little different today:)

Cœur de Pirate is probably my favourite French artist. i love the more sentimental songs like "Oublie-moi", "Drapeau blanc" and "Prémonition", and i've already shared "Combustible" here.

"Tu peux crever là-bas" isn't sentimental at all and is more on the sarcastic side... i like listening to this (or singing along) when i need a little bit of comic relief, and it can put me in a positive, empowered mood.

Edited June 5, 2023 by Judy2

[Judy2]

...really, i should get a warning point for every thread or post that i hide...most recently because i became paranoid that there might be one typo, just one, even though there actually wasn't.

i'm generally quite anxious about the impression i leave here. by now i probably look quite dumb and immature. technically speaking i wouldn't say i'm unintelligent, but my insecurities keep getting in the way.

also, it's true that i could turn this journal into something more beautiful and inspiring than the collection of my most depressive thoughts that it currently is. it's not like i haven't thought of this before, but it is difficult to put into practice because again, i'm just really really insecure about myself. anyway, i simply wanted to clarify that i am aware of this and i'm working on it, even if it may take some time.

[Something Funny]

@Judy2 I don't think there is a single person on this forum who thinks this way about your journal.

[Sine]

On 1.6.2023 at 5:25 PM, Judy2 said:

https://youtube.com/@foster.parenting 

Wow, thank you for sharing this channel <3

[Judy2]

@Something Funny 

i'm being very honest and real when i express myself here. but within that i am being too shy about expressing the good things while overemphasising all of the pain and negativity that i feel.

there's nothing wrong with it per se and perhaps it has been necessary for me to express these things here. in fact i thought about it and came to the conclusion that it's generally important to see such intensely painful perspectives as valid, even (and especially) if they may seem exaggerated, "unrealistic" or overly dramatic from the outside.

at the same time, i understand that this is perhaps not all too enjoyable to read for everybody else. and personally i would probably also enjoy sharing some of my more inspiring, loving perspectives:)

thank you for saying that though.

 

@Sine i'm glad you like it <3 and it's good to hear from you again:)

[Something Funny]

@Sine can you tell her? Cause I think she won't believe me.

[Something Funny]

1 minute ago, Judy2 said:

at the same time, i understand that this is perhaps not all too enjoyable to read for everybody else. and personally i would probably also enjoy sharing some of my more inspiring, loving perspectives:)

Oh no, people love all the drama, don't worry 

Seriously though, it's your journal and it's not that important what others thing about it.

Personally, I think it's very artistic and elegant.

[Judy2]

5 minutes ago, Something Funny said:

Oh no, people love all the drama, don't worry 

haha true

 

sometimes i wonder if it's narcissistic to have an entire journal just to talk about ME. although i guess in a way that's the nature of a journal?

things can get so confusing in my head sometimes lol.

[Judy2]

...okay i'm still stressed.

it would be nice to simply Be, without needing to overthink everything, or think about previous thoughts...

it would be nice to Relax, without needing to worry or "understand" everything....- there's room for that sometimes, but when i am done i should be able to let my thoughts and perspectives go, and let things be simple. 

[Judy2]