"intimacy"

[Judy2]

 

[Judy2]

Lewis Capaldi is the best. there's so much emotion and intensity in his voice. gets me every time.

https://open.spotify.com/track/6H7fWtwEUHVfTyZD7zeG4w?si=3WJ_68JpRfOoRslJ9lz4RQ&utm_source=copy-link

[Judy2]

it's weird how i can be trapped in a state of unbearable, crippling anxiety... only to feel super soothed and calm a few hours later - completely confident that everything's alright. ...until the game starts all over again.

[Judy2]

i feel so confused and overwhelmed. 

[Judy2]

......................................................................

i feel so much - and that's okay.

it's fine that these days my primary purpose seems to be to hold myself together, and to allow myself to feel bad at times. once again it occurred to me how there can be something strangely appeasing in embracing and appreciating this experience. i've said it a million times before - that i should simply feel how i feel - but living it is a different story.

i'm work in progress, and first and foremost i can Be, without pretending like the valid time of my life is only yet to come; it's not. i've been through a lot and every second of it was cherished. i may be hurting and struggling, i may be in tears and pain, i may beg for a way out where there is none...and yet every second of it is cherished.

and i don't need anyone to understand. i don't need anyone to validate what i'm doing here. there is no ulterior motive; this is it.

......................................................................

[Judy2]

Just now, Judy2 said:

to allow myself to feel bad at times.

i know that this doesn't seem to make much sense, but as i re-read this i had to cry because....something about this is so incredibly, INCREDIBLY loving and merciful.

[Judy2]

 

[Judy2]

guilt.

this morning i woke up feeling a lot of tension. at first, i thought it was the usual anxiety, but then i realised that actually it was guilt.

when i was actively eating disordered, guilt was always among the first emotions that kicked in after i started eating more, moving less, or doing anything else that was outside of my comfort zone. cause it's Wrong! it means DANGER, and my system knows this.

like any other emotion, guilt is there "to protect". kind of lame.....and at the same time, it works! it makes it a hundred times more unattractive to step outside my comfort zone, "love myself", "accept myself", and so forth.

now i wasn't expecting to be dealing with this emotion today, mostly because i'm operating in an entirely different context these days...or maybe not. it's still "recovery". and while being sick has definitely lost its thrill now that i am in my twenties and i'm the only one suffering here, it's still utterly scary to try and grow beyond myself. again, my system actually very deeply believes it to be unsafe. and so all it can do is make me feel all sorts of uncomfortable emotions to prevent me from doing something stupid.

i feel overwhelmed, unsteady and decentred. i don't know what to think anymore and if it's bad to keep working on having more positive perspectives on myself. there's so much tension and my throat is tight, my eyes are watery. kind of stupid how emotional all of this has to be. though perhaps i should enjoy it, at least i'm never bored.

but it's okay. i think i can get past this. i've done it many times.

i choose Love. it's as simple as that.

 

...and then i feel guilty for making it seem like i'm so convinced of this, so positive and strong in my undertakings. so"self-confident", the boring kid that's "pro self-love" because that's all she can do when the reality is that she's just Ugly... God, it hurts. it's a lot.

i guess it can help to write about this though, and really explain the emotional dilemma i find myself in, so that it won't go unheard or unappreciated. 

[Judy2]

this is a weird thing to say but...just now i randomly watched a video that i recorded of myself when i was 17, and i was so cute!

i'd share it here but i do say some weird stuff in it so it's best to keep it to myself.

the way i moved my eyes while talking and my facial expressions and everything. 

now i feel bad cause she's gone and i rarely appreciated her. i don't know if i'll get another chance at being so cute and pretty in a stable way that i can then call my permanent identity or whatever. in a way where i see it, i like it, and i'm not afraid of losing it 24/7.

i still feel like the anorexic me was almost perfect. with the catch that i was quite unhealthy trying to maintain that identity. i wouldn't wanna go back, but it sucks that now i'm "healthy" at the expense of something so utterly beautiful.

apologies if this is inappropriate or egotistical or ...i guess it is somewhat egotistical but even that has its place.

Edited February 11, 2023 by Judy2

[Judy2]

so in a previous post a few days ago i already mentioned that i was on a retreat this weekend. there were a few nice moments that i was able to appreciate, but all in all i'm quite glad to be back home and feel safe again. it was simply too much, too intense.

i'm not entirely sure how to go about this, but i'd like to share or point to the perspective that i was dealing with throughout the past few days.

......................................................................

i'm actually very much

anti-hippie, anti-connection, anti-intimacy

i admire the idea of it, but then i wouldn't be able to face it

i don't wanna be vulnerable

i don't wanna be open

(i don't wanna die)

i don't wanna be loved!

i don't want anyone to tell me that i'm worthy or good enough

i don't want to believe that i'm enough or deserving

i don't want to feel

i don't want the love and the cuddles and the i love yous

i don't want all these nice, loving people talking to me

i don't wanna be a part of this

i'm not beautiful enough for it anyway

and i'm definitely not beautiful enough to be beautiful

i don't wanna heal, i don't wanna be moved here

it'd hurt too bad

......................................................................

I DON'T WANNA BE A PART OF THIS, EXISTENTIALLY!

i don't want all the good beautiful things cause i'm too evil and horrible

i am Unlovable and Undeserving, and that is actually safe and good for now.

......................................................................

......................................................................

i'm aware how passive aggressive this sounds and then i feel kind of guilty for being the evil kid again that resists recovery.

but tbh it feels good to admit to this.

it feels good to admit that i'm not entirely ready. Love is too deadly and unsafe for me at this point. 

and there's no pressure to stop resisting.

it's okay that for now i am still very much attached to the "i wish i could starve myself to death and energetically withdraw from reality" kind of psychology. i don't want to let it go - for now it's still the most loving and beautiful perspective in my eyes, for me personally. it feels kind of noble and cute, though we all know there's nothing cute about it (or at least it's questionable and ambiguous).

......................................................................

as i said, i still very much appreciated some moments.

on sunday morning a friend's friend and i were stroking one of the dogs there and later he offered to stroke my back. after a while we switched and i started stroking his back, neck and arms. i enjoyed moving my hands in soft motions and in the end he asked if he could lean against me. we sat like that for a few minutes and it felt nice to be so nurturing, i guess. 

and on the car ride back home i had the other dog sat on my lap for like 2 hours. so beautiful and cute! she seemed to like me and every now and then she licked my thighs and hands. ♡

[Judy2]

It’s dark because you are trying too hard.
Lightly child, lightly. Learn to do everything lightly.
Yes, feel lightly even though you’re feeling deeply.
Just lightly let things happen and lightly cope with them.

I was so preposterously serious in those days, such a humorless little prig.
Lightly, lightly – it’s the best advice ever given to me.
When it comes to dying even. Nothing ponderous, or portentous, or emphatic.
No rhetoric, no tremolos,
no self conscious persona putting on its celebrated imitation of Christ or Little Nell.
And of course, no theology, no metaphysics.
Just the fact of dying and the fact of the clear light.

So throw away your baggage and go forward.
There are quicksands all about you, sucking at your feet,
trying to suck you down into fear and self-pity and despair.
That’s why you must walk so lightly.
Lightly my darling,
on tiptoes and no luggage,
not even a sponge bag,
completely unencumbered.

       ~ Aldous Huxley 

[Judy2]

i feel so incomplete and imperfect.

can't i be whole?

can't you make me whole again?

[Judy2]

 

[Judy2]

i went to see one of my professors during his office hours so that we could discuss the details of my term paper. he said he's sick of reading papers on feminism in Jane Eyre - which is understandable - so what he's gonna get from me is, he's gonna get a psychoanalytical reading of domestic spaces in The Picture of Dorian Gray.... i'm gonna make his heart melt lol. 

(sorry if i sound like a bitch... feels good sometimes, and it's good that i can be somewhat optimistic about the paper.)

[Judy2]

today i finally had my hair cut and now my self-esteem is 15 centimetres shorter than it was before. 

....

too short!

oh well, it's gonna grow back. i hope.

[Judy2]

....the hair is fine, but my face RUINS it all. i wish they could have cut that off as well.

[Judy2]

 

[Judy2]

i think God hates me lol

[Judy2]

quite frankly, i feel lost.

i'm trying not to sink too deeply into this feeling, cause i'm afraid it would swallow me whole.

there are things i could do, i've got assignments to work on....but then i get so overwhelmed cause i don't know what to do, when, in what order, where, how....and i feel so lost, so insecure, no matter what i do or where i go.

i wish someone could give me gentle orders. wash your face, put on some make-up and pick a nice outfit, go outside, it will make you feel better.

i wish i had more appointments just to have a reason to go outside more often, be busy, do something in life.

i feel hopeless. like all this time i keep reaching out, keep looking for solutions and still there's no way to move on to something better. 

and i feel so incredibly alone. 

[Something Funny]

On 2/20/2023 at 10:43 AM, Judy2 said:

there are things i could do, i've got assignments to work on....but then i get so overwhelmed cause i don't know what to do, when, in what order, where, how....and i feel so lost, so insecure, no matter what i do or where i go.

i wish someone could give me gentle orders. wash your face, put on some make-up and pick a nice outfit, go outside, it will make you feel better.

The most effective technique that helps me with this is to just lay down on the floor and stare at the ceiling. Do not distruct yourself with anything. No phone, no internet, no tv, etc. Just lay down at stare at the flow. Eventually you will grow tire of it and will just naturally want to do something. So you can start making regular small steps like that.

Try doing it for one day as an experiment. Set a rule for yourself that you are either doing at least something productive or are staring at the ceiling. Maybe it will help you as well.

On 2/20/2023 at 10:43 AM, Judy2 said:

and i feel so incredibly alone. 

You know, as one song says:  "we are not alone in our loneliness".