People pleasing behavior of women who work in an office environment

[Clabber Girl]

I work in an office as an accountant for a small/midsize property management company. Being that most managers are men, I have gotten some push back in the office after exhibiting behavior that is non-people pleasing... For example:

• When a male or female co-worker starts talking while I am busy I will keep working and not make eye contact(unless he asks a question rather than demand my attention) 
• When in a group conversation, if the talk is of something I am not interested in or dont value ... I walk away... This has upset some of the upper management and they seem to have a different attitude toward me.
• I dont eat pizza or order food with the other co-workers and I have been "jokingly" called out for it by my male manager saying "no one likes you here" and "I can see why you wouldn't ask me when ordering food"... Kinda fucked up comment seeing as how the only thing I did was saw no thank you to unhealthy foods

I don't want to be rude or hurt other peoples feelings... But I also don't like socializing all the time, and I value a clear mind for my own thinking and processing. And I don't wanna eat shit everyday but its hard when you are in a small office. I like most of the women there but I get a lot of comments and glares from male managers... Is this something I just have to put up with if I decide not to conform with my co-workers?

[Hello from Russia]

Sounds like huge values mismatch

I'd look for other job/way of making an income

It's not easily solvable with social gimmicks though if you exude enough charisma you could probably get along with those people, but is it worth it in the end of the day anyways? 

[Yarco]

You can't just look for another job. Maybe you can go to a company that's considerably less toxic, but this problem will follow you everywhere.

As a woman you just have to work 10x as hard to prove yourself. It isn't fair, but it is what it is.

My wife has dealt with all the problems you mention as she climbs the corporate ladder. A guy in the same position acting the same way would be seen as assertive, management material, and other positive words. If you're a woman acting the same way you get labeled "bossy", emotional, etc.

If someone says something that's explicitly bullying like "no one likes you here" you have to stand up for yourself and call them out on it, or go to HR about it if it continues. Sometimes if it's a small company or the culture is too toxic you'll just lose though, so you have to be strategic and decide if it's a situation where you can win or not.

One way you can look at it --- socializing is an unwritten part of their job description. If they want you to waste company time talking, just play along, smile and nod with their stupid conversations. ESPECIALLY with managers and people who outrank you.

Otherwise all you can do is work extra hard and try to prove them wrong. Sometimes this isn't enough, some people are so stupid they'd rather fire a hard worker who doesn't conform with the office culture, and take someone who literally provides less value instead.

 

[Lila9]

My advice is to keep not giving a fuck and owning your personality. 

At the end it doesn't really matter, as long as you are a woman, they will never be satisfied. Being people pleaser or not, some males in a power position will always find a way to abuse their power and I believe that if you were a people pleaser they would treat you even worse.

They panic now because they can't control you so obviously they try to tease you, manipulate you and gulit tripping you to be a part of the herd mentality. 

Maybe try to see it in a good light and enjoy it, it can be amusing to see how far you can go, and what comments you can pull from them literaly by being who you are, because at the end, you're doing noting wrong. 

I've learned a lot about human psychology and socialization merely by such experiences.

Of course, if it's too much too tolerate, because it can be a serious mental burden when you get this treatment on a daily basis, better to quit (with class, of course ) and to find a better job.

 

 

Edited October 1, 2022 by Lila9

[King Merk]

You’re not allowing yourself to be controlled by the male management and that pisses them off.

Great job! 

[Viking]

i think there's difference between non people pleasing and antisocial behavior. 

you could try to make your intentions heared and by this way avoid conflict.

for example, instead of not making eye contact when someone approaches you and you work, you could try saying "sorry i really have to finish this, can we talk later?".

that would make people understand you and dislike you less.

if they wont leave you alone or wont listen, then they are truly exhibiting toxic behavior and i would either be upfront about it and tell them that you dont like that they dont let you work, or if that doesnt work change your job.

[gettoefl]

is it most or a few ... if the latter you might take this to HR as a hostile work environment if the former it might be you in that it's not a good fit

[StarStruck]

Learn office politics. It is not what you do but how you make people feel. They can’t read your mind so you have to explain it in a language they understand. 

[Clabber Girl]

I have thought about learning office politics as a sort of social lesson that gives me the opportunity to learn more about human psychology... really just a game. There are only a few men who treat me this way. I really like most women I work with.

I am not confrontational or argumentative and I do socialize some but the time wasters or people who blatantly disrespect my time I am getting sick of.