Why I hate socializing

[trenton]

This has been happening to me since I was a kid. I would isolate myself from other people and be quiet. I was able to intuit why I don't like socializing but I did not know how to explain it nor did I want to.

Basically, when I socialize with people they influence me. I then begin to change in the process and mimic what I am influenced by. The same happens with the influence of my culture. I change to match what they are and in doing so something is lost in the process and that would be who I was previously. In order to minimize influence I isolated myself from other people at home and school. I would instead pace back and forth at a distance from others.

An analogy would be the collective identity of a nation. The reason there is so much fear regarding foreigners is because they influence the collective demographic and thus our national identity. The United States is a great example because it used to have a strong isolationist policy. This is designed to minimize influence of other nations through communicating with them on global affairs. This lead to the collective punishment of other races through things like the Chinese exclusion act. This racist history was the struggle to maintain the former identity which would be lost. Similarly, the hesitancy of Sweden when asked to join NATO was a manifestation of the goal to maintain the neutral identity. When the goal is to maintain who we are, then this can lead to a lot of misconceptions, lies, and fears that prevents us from seeing clearly.

I hope some of you find this helpful. One way to twist spiritual truths like those in quietism would be to become a recluse. This can be a front of spirituality, but in fact it is a method of preserving the ego identity. Spirituality is doomed to fail if one fears the influence others as it entails ego death.  What is it like to not fear the loss of my identity? I imagine that it would be more truthful as it does not stem from fear and emotional reactions to a possible change.

[Inliytened1]

@trenton this is normal do not shun it.  You think that you are not sticking to who you are when you allow outside influences to come in.  But in the Absolute sense, others, or what is outside, are you.  So really your identity is just shifting and morphing.  It's OK if you allow it - it is in fact how you grow.  If you were not stimulated by your surroundings you could never change or grow.  You would only remain what you were.  Even when one formulates worldviews they are influenced.  We are all influenced and that is how we develop into what we are.  The key is to think for yourself.   If someone in your inner circle says God exists, and you have not become directly conscious of it - then God doesn't exist for you.  Likewise if your buddy says basketball is amazing- you may be intrigued by this but do not take as a belief or that it is true.   Really experience basketball for yourself and then come back and let everyone know.  Outside influence cannot replace direct experience. 

[LastThursday]

The fallacy is that all change can be resisted. On an individual level your body will keep on changing, if nothing else - and you'll have to confront this change. The paradox of change and identity is that once you change it becomes your identity. As @Inliytened1 puts nicely, "your identity is just shifting and morphing" and it will do this even if you resist it; you may even convince yourself that you haven't changed at all over time.

All identity is in any case is a self-sustaining system of beliefs and ideas about a "you". In order for the identity to exist at all, it has to be naturally resistant to its own destruction; so it makes up stories about how special and pure it is. Change is a kind of death, but change is also a kind of rebirth.

[Leo Gura]

Yes, the key to learning to socialize is standing up for yourself and your values. If you try to please everyone or be a doormat then socialize will be very painful.

[RMQualtrough]

Fuck spirituality. Hermit life is comfy af. Socializing stops being fun after like, 13?

[UnbornTao]

I don't hate socialization, I simply love solitude and alone time.

[trenton]

@Inliytened1

@LastThursday

I think you both put this pretty nicely. I would like to make an analogy to how I approach chess because it works very well. I think of it as if I know that there are many things I don't know. Because of this there are many ways in which my judgement could be flawed. There is nothing wrong with this per say because over time experience will change my judgement as new knowledge comes to me.

The idea that I'm getting is that if I could some how apply this logic to other areas of my life, then I would solve a lot of inner conflict and self doubt. In the case of socializing it could be that my identity changes in the process because other people will teach me something i don't know. Yes I am socially awkward now, but my judgement and behavior should change over time if I were not afraid of the appearance that there are so many ways to go wrong and make a bad situation.

If I could somehow apply this growth mindset to my entire worldview, then I could have a lot of potential for self improvement.

[LastThursday]

1 hour ago, trenton said:

In the case of socializing it could be that my identity changes in the process because other people will teach me something i don't know.

This is in fact happening all the time, whether consciously or not. But if you do it consciously, you speed up the rate of self improvement.

1 hour ago, trenton said:

I think of it as if I know that there are many things I don't know.

That's having an open mind. We're all unaware in one way or another, it's great to recognise it.

As an aside, one of the best ways to improve your social skills is to have your attention directed completely outwards and focused on other people, and to be fully immersed in the moment. To put it differently, socialising is all about them not about you. It's like driving, if you don't pay complete attention to the road you will have an awkward accident.