My boyfriend is being too cheap

[Leo Gura]

7 minutes ago, AliceK said:

I can communicate with him about everything - but I feel really weird communicating about this. I tried explaining to him that gym is not expensive and that he should pay for it but he says ''I already told you I don't want to it's a lot of money.''

And I don't know how I'm supposed to tell him that he should spend money on me. That's even more weird.

Even if I do tell him, he would feel as if I'm making him do it, as if he has to do it. And I would feel stupid because I would think that he doesn't really want to do it but has to.

You have to communicate THAT.

You're not actually communicating genuinely.

Communicate to him what you are communicating to us.

Casually telling him is not the same thing as sitting him down and doing a consicous communication where you two really hear each other.

[Gianna]

You are not being dramatic and he is being wayy too cheap. I dated a guy just like this but he was 28 living at home, made a TON of money, but wouldn't spend a penny. It’s disgusting to be that cheap (my ex) and a disgrace to our abundant nature. It was only a matter of time before I left him and looking back, I would never let myself be in such a situation again. 
 

After you get a guy who takes care of you, you will be repulsed looking back at the mentality of these guys. I’m sorry, I know it sounds aggressive but that’s just how I feel now after giving myself something better.  You have to make it a standard and prioritize yourself.  
 

It’s a mindset with these kinds of guys and you don’t want to be subject to that mindset. I’ve dated guys since with less money who’ve paid more, cared for me more, and lived more freely and happily. You don’t want to end up with someone as limiting as this. I know it’s hard to hear but you just deserve so much better. And it’s not a good influence to have in your life.
 

A metaphysical perspective would suggest that because we’re literally living in a dream, to be that cheap is really just self-hate/self-rejection. So maybe work on this with him? If you love him/don’t want to leave him.
If the cheapness was oriented toward long-term investment and was self-loving, that would be different. But most cheap-ness stems from fear (not love) and with the scenario he pulled on you at the fancy restaurant… and the other restaurant dates… he wouldn’t even be eating at restaurants or suggesting them if he was being self-loving with his spending. 
 

I would feel totally taken advantage of and not cared for at all if this was me. And it was me once before and I’m telling you, you can find someone better and hopefully he will learn. As a girl, it’s really important for us to feel cared for— not to be continuously paying for the guy and caretaking him at home. 
 

If I were you I would leave him. Maybe do what Leo says and talk about it with him first but.. eh. I don’t have hope that this kind of mindset changes. I would personally just leave (knowing my past experiences with this). I know it seems aggressive but with a fixed mindset like this it requires something just as stern. You’re only 22 and to enable such behavior is limiting for not only yourself but for him as well. 

Edited March 27, 2022 by Gianna

[Max_V]

@Gianna If you want my full opinion, read above, but just responding to what you said in a hyperbolic way:

Do you want women to be treated like children? That mindset is bad for both men and women equally. 

[Gianna]

@Max_V Hm, good point. But being bought dinner every now and then isn’t being treated like a child. It’s being treated like a woman. 

[Gianna]

@Max_V Also, we’re talking about way more than purchasing. Living at home is a HUGE problem for a relationship. And if you make money but decide to still be dependently living at home versus independently living on your own, that’s a huge turn off and a terrible mindset to be influenced by. Again, this goes much deeper than the ‘child’s play’ your hyperbole makes it to be. 

Edited March 27, 2022 by Gianna

[Max_V]

@Gianna For sure. Nothing wrong with the occasional treat.

But to have it set up that it is the norm for men to take care of women financially is bad for men and women both. Women get taken less seriously if they do prefer to be independent, and men have to work significantly harder as opposed to women just to have a partner. 

[something_else]

3 minutes ago, Gianna said:

@Max_V Hm, good point. But being bought dinner every now and then isn’t being treated like a child. It’s being treated like a woman. 

I agree. He’s being a cheap bastard. But it seems an unfair reason to leave him without even talking about it. The dude is also young and probably a bit anxious about how he handles his money

If this was an older guy I would actually be more inclined to agree with you, but as a young guy who has recently started a full time job I can sympathise with wanting to be cautious with money once you start earning it

IMO if both parties earn above a certain amount its 50/50 every time with occasional treats from one to the other

If I’m working and dating a student I’ll pay maybe 75% of the time but I’m not there to finance this girls university stay, she still has to pay her own way sometimes or I feel like I’m being taken advantage of

[AliceK]

9 minutes ago, Max_V said:

@Gianna For sure. Nothing wrong with the occasional treat.

But to have it set up that it is the norm for men to take care of women financially is bad for men and women both. Women get taken less seriously if they do prefer to be independent, and men have to work significantly harder as opposed to women just to have a partner. 

I'm not here talking that I want a guy paying for everything. I'm just saying that I think he should sometimes pay more, or at least pay for dinner because that's just the norm (he invited me). It won't affect me in a way that I wouldn't want to have a job, but it would just show me that he cares.

I want to have life purpose, to be independent and to have a job.

[Gianna]

@something_else Well yeah I mean obviously give him a chance. And that’s a good point, maybe he’s just anxious about money-handling for the first time. But is this his first time bringing in money? And isn’t it natural when you start to bring in good amounts of money to want to treat yourself and others a bit? 
 

Idk, I just thinks it’s a mindset and I know how deep this scarcity mindset runs. So I’m not looking at age, I’m looking at mindset. From personal experience, I don’t have hope for change/flexibility in this kind of mind. It’s a deep fear that drives such behavior. And if you’re only 22 and want something better for yourself, then why not go out and find yourself that? But yeah if the relationship is deep, then whatever. And the person is “Young”. But idk that’s not even young imo. I was on my own at 18, paying for guys’ meals (on occasion).

Edited March 27, 2022 by Gianna

[hoodrow trillson]

He's basically telling you to step your paper up.  Maybe you should take some incentive and actually get a part time job and make some money on the side?

He's not being cheap, he just doesn't want your ass to mooch.  I actually commend him for this lol, a lot of guys don't have the balls to do that.  If it doesn't work out, it doesn't work out.  He could date another woman who makes money and she wouldn't mind paying 50/50.

Edited March 27, 2022 by hoodrow trillson

[Gianna]

It’s not like @AliceK is out here asking for Balenciaga. She just wants to feel taken care of and that’s NATURAL for a woman to desire. It’s so beyond reasonable it’s insane and for guys to get anxious about it is just.. not even rational. 
Because women are smart thinkers and planners too. They’re not going to let you (or even want you) spend to the point it will hurt/hinder you. Not only because they (women) are naturally caretaking, but also because they won’t feel safe and secure with a guy being financially irresponsible. So the fear that guys have in not wanting to support a women with money is, imo, an irrational fear. Woman want to support you in supporting them. 
 

I should say most women! Of course there are the exceptions. 

Edited March 27, 2022 by Gianna

[something_else]

10 minutes ago, Gianna said:

@something_else Well yeah I mean obviously give him a chance. And that’s a good point, maybe he’s just anxious about money-handling for the first time. But is this his first time bringing in money? And isn’t it natural when you start to bring in good amounts of money to want to treat yourself and others a bit? 
 

Idk, I just thinks it’s a mindset and I know how deep this scarcity mindset runs. So I’m not looking at age, I’m looking at mindset. From personal experience, I don’t have hope for change/flexibility in this kind of mind. It’s a deep fear that drives such behavior. And if you’re only 22 and want something better for yourself, then why not go out and find yourself that? But yeah if the relationship is deep, then whatever. And the person is “Young”. But idk that’s not even young imo. I was on my own at 18, paying for guys’ meals (on occasion).

I think we probably agree on roughly what the balance should be based on this, my main point was that I think immediately leaving him is a bit harsh

Most students get their first full time job around 21-22 so I imagine it is probably his first time making real world money.
Give him a year or two of sympathy to be cautious and learn what he can get away with spending each month

I was pretty stingy with money when I first got my job a year ago, now I’d say I’m actually over spending a bit the past few months. It’s a very tricky thing to balance but I think starting on the side of stingy and learning to be abundant is better than having to reign in your over-spending

I see a few dudes my age wearing £2000 outfits that they bought with Klarna and are now drowning in debt. That’s an abundant mindset but it’s a million times worse than being stingy about meals and gym memberships, and it’s far harder to recover from

It is also possible he’s just naturally going to be extremely scarce and stingy and if that never changes despite communication with him then I totally agree, she should leave if she’s not happy and he isn’t listening

[Arcangelo]

8 hours ago, AliceK said:

He earns a lot of money and still lives with his parents

Dump

him

[AliceK]

@Gianna Thank you for your insights. I also fear that stinginess is too deep and that a conversation won't really change it.

 

[Max_V]

@Gianna Perhaps I'm overreacting because this emotionally triggers me, but I feel like you don't get how insane this sounds.

I'd rather not have a girlfriend if it means being expected to provide for her with the money I worked hard to earn. I'll gladly buy a gift here and there if it's reciprocal, but god damn, why should she be entitled to any of it? 

[somegirl]

10 minutes ago, AliceK said:

Thank you for your insights. I also fear that stinginess is too deep and that a conversation won't really change it.

Seems like you have already made up your mind and lost attraction for him and don't even want to communicate with him and hopefully fix things. 

[Arcangelo]

12 minutes ago, Max_V said:

why should she be entitled to any of it?

Because she is the woman.

[Gianna]

@Max_V Yeah this sounds like it’s coming from trauma around unfairness. But don’t worry. If you want a girl that will be 100% independent, do you know how easy that is to find? In our feminist world? Even if you wanted to find a girl to take 100% financial care of you, you could probably find that and that is perfectly fine to desire. The world benefits by you getting everything you truly want. We’re never limited. 
If a girl wants to find a man to take 100% care of her, she can easily find that. Might not be good for her in the long run, but she can have it. 

If a guy wants to be 100% taken care of by a woman, he can find that. Might not be good for him in the long run, but that experience is already his if he desires it. Do you know how many women are emasculating their men in this area? Post female oppression? 
 

If you truly desire something and have no resistance to it, you will give it to yourself (as God). 
 

Long story short, you can have whatever you want. Whether it’s good or bad, or, right or wrong, is entirely subjective and based on circumstance. 
 

(Also, although I said, “might not be good for them,” it’s not necessarily true on a higher level. Satiating your desires is always always good for you because that is how true growth occurs.) 

Edited March 27, 2022 by Gianna

[somegirl]

@Max_V Maybe look into why you're reacting the way you are about this topic. Because some people do not have same reaction. 

Maybe something happened in the past that reminded you how used you felt, or you're interpreting it in some unique way that others don't, or something along those lines.

[AliceK]

@Max_V And what if you had a wife, and she was earning 3x less than you. Would you still tell her that you don't want to spend more money on groceries and bills than her and tell her that she should get a better job?

I'm actually scared that guys with 50/50 mindset don't change and that my marriage would be like that.

Edited March 27, 2022 by AliceK