Describing Feelings

[Marcel]

Sometimes I feel like I’m experiencing “doomsday” anxiety as I call it.

It feels like the end of the world. As if consciousness would decide to snap it’s hypothetical fingers and puf everything is gone. Not only me, just everything. Me. My Family, everything I know and love and everything I don’t know and or will never know or experience. 

It’s kinda surreal. It’s almost like an experience of ego death and pretty frightening from time to time. 

Im a bit confused on why this is happening from time to time

 

[Marcel]

4 hours ago, Preety_India said:

Tgis is the funniest thing I came across. 

 

And this one lol. 

 

This cat commercial is the funniest  thing ever. It’s unbelievable this is actually real, but it really is apparently ?

[Marcel]

5 hours ago, RickyFitts said:

Maybe try giving voice to that feeling of being paralysed ?

I have been putting that off for a while, i just didn’t want to face this feeling, but again you’re right hehe 

 

[Marcel]

Okay. So why i tend to feel paralyzed when talking or when voicing my thoughts and feelings?

I suppose one aspect is just inexperience. I don’t do it often. Communication is not really and has not really been a thing in my family growing up and everyone kind of lived their seperate life’s. 

So far so good. I’ll continue this later. I already feel stressed out talking about this. 

 

[RickyFitts]

1 hour ago, Marcel said:

I have been putting that off for a while, i just didn’t want to face this feeling, but again you’re right hehe 

I completely understand bro, you've just got to do it when you feel ready  

1 hour ago, Marcel said:

Okay. So why i tend to feel paralyzed when talking or when voicing my thoughts and feelings?

I suppose one aspect is just inexperience. I don’t do it often. Communication is not really and has not really been a thing in my family growing up and everyone kind of lived their seperate life’s. 

Again, completely understandable - it's the fear of the unknown, you don't know what's going to happen if you haven't really done it before. But it'll get easier with practise, and you've made a great start here  

Edited January 6, 2022 by RickyFitts

[Marcel]

okay so continuing from yesterday evening. The feeling of paralysis when communicating.

I can even feel it right now. A voice in my mind that tells me everything I say is useless and of no value to anyone.

It feels pretty crushing. It’s hard to imagine myself doing anything or interacting with anyone. Something that helps a lot is meditation, especially the ones form Rupert Spira it seems. He has kind of entered into my awareness more and more in the last two days, funnily enough exactly from the moment on that i have decided to uncover my paralysis like feeling. Good timing universe hehe

I am trying to feel into it deeply and pin point it’s Origin. It feels very clouded with many layers. I’ve not always been this way. In fact I was pretty much the class clown in school until grade 7. I struggle putting together the past in my mind. It feels locked away. Like most memories are stored behind an uncomfortable wall. 

Edited January 7, 2022 by Marcel

[Marcel]

@RickyFitts

Thanks for the support bro ? 

Yeah. It’s pretty much unknown territory to me. But I feel it’s already getting better. 

I‘ll make a post or two every day in this journal from now on. It seems to help a bit.

[Marcel]

I have come to realise that a lot of my paralysis comes from wanting to do everything perfectly.

Do the perfect “right” thing. Say the perfect “right thing. As if I somehow would follow an imaginary godly code, which unlocks the universe doors.

Which of course, is nonsense, leaves me speechless and unable to act most of the time and I don’t know what to say or do, often leaving me with the feeling of being “Stuck” or “Confused” and well “Paralyzed”

Its like my unfiltered opinions, thoughts and feelings vs this sort of  “Perfectionism” I somehow adopted, that ironically prevents me from being, not perfect, but the best I could be. Because without trying and failing, there is and will be no progress, so to finally get this out of my system I will post whatever is on my mind without trying to make it “perfect” or appealing. Maybe I’ve also been caught up in making a lot of Assumptions like “writing about won’t help”. Well it does and I think this avoidance was just an unhealthy coping mechanism. 

I often fall into the trap often wanting to fix everything by myself, work out everything in my own mind, which has mixed results at best and makes everything worse at worst. 

I think I’ve been living in this perpetual paralysis for quite some time. Spending to much time speculating and theorising and then not actually doing anything or fooling myself into thinking I have done something. 

 

 

[Marcel]

I sometimes need to get the suicidal soup out of me. I just coined this term hehe 

Sometimes I just need to vent I guess. My mind is like a never ending tape, it just continues running and sometimes suicidal soup comes out of it. Instead of being all worried about it. I can realise  

„This too shall pass“

Its okay to feel suicidal. I just do sometimes. What I may want to avoid is getting stuck there. 
 

*Get to the bottom of it and find the root cause 

Edited January 7, 2022 by Marcel

[RickyFitts]

8 hours ago, Marcel said:

Do the perfect “right” thing. Say the perfect “right thing. As if I somehow would follow an imaginary godly code, which unlocks the universe doors.

What do you fear will happen if you don't get it exactly right? 

8 hours ago, Marcel said:

Because without trying and failing, there is and will be no progress, so to finally get this out of my system I will post whatever is on my mind without trying to make it “perfect” or appealing.

Fantastic, I think this is a great approach  

[Preety_India]

11 hours ago, Marcel said:

I sometimes need to get the suicidal soup out of me. I just coined this term hehe 

Sometimes I just need to vent I guess. My mind is like a never ending tape, it just continues running and sometimes suicidal soup comes out of it. Instead of being all worried about it. I can realise  

„This too shall pass“

Its okay to feel suicidal. I just do sometimes. What I may want to avoid is getting stuck there. 
 

*Get to the bottom of it and find the root cause 

Puppy is me. * Wags tail after sees you

 

 

*jumps to hug you. 

 

 

 

[Marcel]

45 minutes ago, Preety_India said:

Puppy is me. * Wags tail after sees you

*jumps to hug you. 

 

*Pats and hugs my bubbly puppy ? 

*Hugs and never lets go ❤️❤️❤️

[Preety_India]

Just now, Marcel said:

*Pats and hugs my bubbly puppy ? 

*Hugs and never lets go ❤️❤️❤️

*jumps in happy. 

 

[Preety_India]

@Marcel

1 hour ago, Marcel said:

*Pats and hugs my bubbly puppy ? 

*Hugs and never lets go ❤️❤️❤️

 

I'm a witch. I want to do witchcraft and heal you my eternal sweet love. 

 

 

[Marcel]

So I’m doing a short drift from my paralysis feeling and talk about something else. My mom

She only talks about wanting to die and that she will jump in front  of a train …

I don’t even know what to say about this. I guess it’s a start I mentioned it.

Constantly hearing “I don’t want to live anymore” and “I want to die because your an only child, I can’t continue living like this” definitely impacts my own mental health. I desperately wanted to help her, I felt responsible for her, but she doesn’t want help and she manipulated me over and over again that she wants to change … 

Im so mad ? 

So I don’t know how to deal with this. She pretty much lies on the sofa all day when she’s home. It really hurts to see her like this and seeing her like this for years on end, sometimes a bit better, sometimes a bit worse, but it just never gets better or stays the same, despite my best efforts and her countless empty  “promises” to me. 

It’s all about her, she doesn’t give a shit about me. She wants a second child and just disregards me, her only child, entirely. I don’t matter.

I completely lost myself in the pursuit of helping her in the last two years and it completely crushed my self esteem and confidence. I can’t do anything and I’m slowly coming to terms with it. 

*If you want to help someone whos drowning, make sure they’re not drowning on purpose and take you with them 
 

[Marcel]

4 minutes ago, Preety_India said:

@Marcel

 

I'm a witch. I want to do witchcraft and heal you my eternal sweet love. 

 

 

?‍♀️??

❤️‍??

[Marcel]

Uff i just opened a whole can of worms talking about my mom 

Its very painful to me. I feel worthless and discarded. I lost belief in my words. I thought if I helped my mom i could repair the relationship to me dad at the same time and he would be proud of me for once …

Everything failed. 

[Preety_India]

@Marcel the more you talk about it the better you will feel I guarantee you. 

Please keep opening up more and more about your mum and dad. I know it creates pain and hurt. 

But you have to let the wounds bleed sufficiently till all the fluid of doubt, confusion, anxiety, sadness leaves you. 

You will feel relaxed and unburdened the more you journal my sweet prince of my dreams, my lovely husband.. 

Bleed it out. You have it piling up in your system.

Writing about it will relieve the stress as much as possible 

Don't worry about how people will judge you. That doesn't matter. Your healing matters more than any opinion in this world. 

I'm with you all the way hun. I applaud your effort in starting and maintaining this journal and in opening up about your inner feelings and wounds. 

You're my sweet Mónee. I shall be with you forever. 

 

 

I know your mom created a huge wound inside of you. My mom did the same to me but in different ways than your mom. 

Your mom sits on the couch a lot. My mom never sits on the couch.  she is restless and has OCD and control issues. 

I can still relate to the frustration your mom causes when she refuses to seek help for her issues. 

I wish I could have better advice on how to deal with your mother. But I don't. 

Yet... I will help you as much as I can to get through all of your pain and we will both find a way to eternal love and peace.

Giving you a big hug and kissing you and comforting you. I am with you. 

You are a wonderful gentle man and an angel to me. 

I want to make you happy and help you. 

You're absolutely amazing guy I met in my life and you changed me so much 

 

God bless you. 

 

 

Edited January 8, 2022 by Preety_India

[Marcel]

@Preety_India

I love you so much hun ❤️
Thank you 

*Cries in happy 

Our moms are like extreme opposites.

Super passive and suicidal vs Super active and overbearing 

Edited January 8, 2022 by Marcel

[Preety_India]

You dared to talk about it for the first time

I honor your courage. Please don't be discouraged. 

I know your family discourages you from opening up. I exactly know how you feel. 

You are a precious angel to me. Hang in there hun.