My relationship of 3 years ended

[decentralized]

It was my longest relationship, but it ended because of me. We've been living together since the beginning, I wasn't emotionally mature back then and I'm still not. I get easily caught up with my hormonal imbalances and can't separate them from my actual feelings. Yesterday the best person I ever knew dumped me, and I had to move out. Now I'm living in a shitty dorm and feel completely alone. I know I deserved this. I know I could do better. Yesterday I tried to take my own life, but I couldn't do it because I didn't want to make his and my family sad. This situation is completely shitty, the only thing that keeps me sane is that maybe he gives me another chance when I get my shit together. I need to spend this separated time with working on myself and focus on my school, I really don't know what else I can do. He is my home, I don't know how I can be so fucking stupid but I apparently am. I fucking deserved it. I know it's not really possible that he'll forgive me and want to get back together, but this hope makes me keep going. 

[Average Investor]

Well, first of all don't take your life. Call an emergency number and get assistance if you feel the need to. You'll make it through this for sure.

46 minutes ago, decentralized said:

I need to spend this separated time with working on myself and focus on my school, I really don't know what else I can do.

Keep working on yourself. You can make your life very enjoyable without the need for anyone really. That would be a good aim to go for. Then once you aren't banking all of your happiness on one person, then you could have some amazing relationships. There is so much to life that it would be a shame to waste it being upset that one person doesn't want to spend it with you. 

Take the time to really heal and relax. Don't just rush into doing something to distract yourself. Try to make a vision on what direction you want to go next with your life. 

[flyingwhalee]

Trust me when I say you can go through the darkest times. My 5 years long relationship ended over a year ago, and that taught me a lot because I allowed myself to accept suffering, to stay present and then to take concrete actions in my life. Props to you first of all for realizing you have to work on yourself. Work on yourself enough so that you won't need to cling to the idea that "maybe he will take me back". 

That's a hard path to walk, but it pays tons.

[decentralized]

The pain is unbearable. I want to go back to my home, sleep in my own bed, but I have to live in this shitty place now. I know I had to do this work while I was with him, but I took him for granted. Our relationship was always special and he was the one who introduced me to psychedelics, he did everything he can in order to heal my past trauma, but now it ended because I couldn't be mature and had no control over my emotions. I know it will pass, I know I might sound needy when I say I want to get back together with him but this situation is really new and I'm still shocked. I woke up really early and started crying silently as soon as I woke up. I made a promise to myself that I won't text him. He wanted a breakup, we both need time to think it through and process what happened. When things like that happened before, he got really angry at me but he tried to fix me anyways. I can see that he doesn't want to do the effort this time. 

Thanks to both of you for your comments. 

[flyingwhalee]

@decentralized no problem, and best of luck. Just be aware that however deep your pain is, there are people that endured the same levels, the same intensity, and found within themselves the power to grow and heal their scars. You are inherently capable. 

[tsuki]

@decentralized I'm sorry that you feel this way.

What you feel right now is important because it teaches you what you want, but believe me, it is temporary. You will feel better after some time and you will be occupied with something else. There will be things in your life that will make you forget that he ever existed. Just like when you behaved in ways that make you feel that you deserve to be dumped.

You are a valuable person even when you are not beside him. Please be gentle with yourself, please don't pour gasoline into the fire. There were reasons for why you behaved the way you did.

Try writing your thoughts on a piece of paper. Write a letter you would not be ashamed of writing to your best friend. Please stand by your own side.

[Raze]

You need to give it time. Go to new places, meet new people, do new things. Remove all reminders of him from your life to let your brain reset. Don’t jump into a relationship right away or drink away the emotions. I suggest “break through difficult emotions” by Shinzen Young.

[Lyubov]

14 hours ago, flyingwhalee said:

Trust me when I say you can go through the darkest times. My 5 years long relationship ended over a year ago, and that taught me a lot because I allowed myself to accept suffering, to stay present and then to take concrete actions in my life. Props to you first of all for realizing you have to work on yourself. Work on yourself enough so that you won't need to cling to the idea that "maybe he will take me back". 

That's a hard path to walk, but it pays tons.

I’ll be calling on you if I ever need some advice on how to get over a painful breakup! 

[decentralized]

5 hours ago, flyingwhalee said:

Just be aware that however deep your pain is, there are people that endured the same levels, the same intensity, and found within themselves the power to grow and heal their scars. You are inherently capable.

Thank you so much 

@tsuki Journaling definitely helps me a lot to process these complex emotions. I think the reason I behaved the way I did is because I was dependent on him from the start, I needed to be my own person and seriously work on my issues but I chose the path of least resistance. Now I need to spent this time by working on being completely independent and emotionally strong.

@Khr @Raze Thank you for the book recommendations. And yes, I definitely WON'T get into any rebound relationships, if I do it will just prove him right and I really need to work on my issues right now, another relationship will only give me more problems. I hope he gets back to me sometime, I have a feeling that he will but I need to really fix everything right now. I don't want to get back together with him if we're going to break up again for the same issues, I need to eliminate all of them before asking to get back together.