paprika

Man in an abusive relationship?

43 posts in this topic

@ivankiss

Kind of an odd question, can you clarify a little? Do you mean generally, as in while in a rough patch in life… or literally, as in while a physical or emotional assault is occurring?


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@Nahm Literally, while one is being physically, psychologically and emotionally abused. Day after day.

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@ivankiss

During an incident, meditating in any formal seated sense probably wouldn’t be ideal, but rather meditatively grounding, feeling breathing from the stomach, non-reaction. In that sense meditation is very beneficial overall / prior to any such incidents. Day after day is a bit different and it depends on one’s situation. For a child, it’s very likely immediate removal from the home is ideal. For an adult, who is helplessly experiencing being abused by another adult, the same. For an adult who desires to stay in the relationship and bring an end to the abuse, and can recognize the distinction between ‘I am being abused’ & ‘he or she is abusive’, meditation (and utilizing all available resources) is ideal. The meditative mind is less reactionary, and as such recognizes the reactionary behaviors of others, and does not or is far less likely to take it personally and engage, but to ‘leave it with’ their s.o. compassionately and supportively suggesting meditation & other resources available.


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@Nahm Cool, thanks. 

What I was trying to point towards, is a very nasty trap one can find themselves stuck in, especially while in the very early stages of awakening. And that is this whole, twisted, sick idea of 'All is well, it's totally cool that I'm being treated like shit, I'm not attached, I cannot be touched by anyone or anything, etc.' While all that may be ultimately true, it's pretty obvious how that type of thinking is going to lead to more suffering and abuse. I know very damn well. I was in that spot, for quite a few years. Thinking that because God is all-loving and everything, that means I should love my abuser, stay with them and continue enabling the abuse. Or better yet; love the abuse away.

That's just not how life works.

Meditation is great for everything you mentioned and more, but no amount of it can be a substitute for taking the necessary action in these types of situations. If anything; meditation should lead one to taking those steps. Meaning; removing yourself from that environment and finding safety. That's how self-love looks like in those scenarios - imo.

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@ivankiss

Agreed, enabling is quite twisted. Leaving like, now, vs mentally backing out of it, getting some ‘space’, untwisting oneself and then addressing it, is really circumstantial. 


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Thanks @Nahm . It felt good to let that out.

It was just so damn painful. So horrible. And yet I kept seeking for the beauty in it. I kept trying to see the light of it all. And as wonderful as that may sound, it was actually nothing but massive self-deception. Lies.

I was lying to myself on daily basis. Because I was so desperate for this to be it. For her to be the one. For our love to be The Love.

My story is a perfect example of how an innocent heart that only seeks love, understanding, appreciation and companionship, can unknowingly lead one to live under extremely brutal circumstances. And not only that, but in the name of God.

I knew none of it was actually directed at me. I knew it had nothing to do with me. I knew it was all just a movie of her past abuse, playing itself out in the light of my presence. As if she was trying to tell me 'this is why I cannot meet you where you are at'. As if she was telling me 'This is everything that has been done to me in this life, feel the pain of it all.' As if she was telling me 'please, help me!'

I tried to leave many times, but I couldn't. I kept coming back. I could not leave a soul that's in pain all alone. Partly because of my good heart, and partly because of my own selfish agendas.

I trust you understand now why I am still a bit sensitive to this topic. All I want to do is let anyone know, who lives under similar circumstances as I did, that it's ok to put yourself first. It's ok to look only after yourself and give yourself what you need. Time, space and safety to heal and reflect. No one will punish you if you just leave. It does not make you a bad person.

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@ivankiss

Amen to that indeed. Reminds me of Esther‘s example with the oxygen mask speech on airplanes. If you put yours on first you both got a chance, if you don’t you’re probably both gonna die. Heavily paraphrasing here. 


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@Nahm I kinda, sorta remember that one xD

Much love and respect.

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Posted (edited)

@paprika sounds like a female narcissist - and does NOT have much to do with female/male problematics.

in longterm relationships there can be problematics like criticism and problematics like only telling a limited and onesided perspective on the details of the incidents.

however you probably know yourself how much of self is involved or not - it sounds like she at least has a depression. and if i were you and you still want to give the relationship a chance i would not shame her with presupposing any psychological illnesses more than a depression but i would also confidently support her to visit a psychologist and ask myself if its really really just her problematic or are you in anyway involved? i mean in all regards involved or disinvolved? 

i‘m asking because narcissism is a heavy accusation you didn’t make - although it sounds like a heavy psychological issue, maybe one that would dissolve with a therapy or couple therapy or maybe not. doesn’t sound like you tried to find out, yet. the physical part is a bit alarming.

sounds like you might be in a depression aswell.

you guys are married and you lived together longer than you are married - since when is this happening?

Edited by mememe

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@ivankiss I'm currently in the position you were in.  It seems impossible.


"I could be the walrus. I'd still have to bum rides off people."

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@Mason Riggle My heart goes out to you, brother. Hang in there.

I know very damn well that whatever advice I give you it won't mean shit as soon as she looks at you, touches you, or smiles at you.

You must find your own way.

Much love.

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i can only tell you guys whatever the problematic is - weather its the partners ‚fault‘ or not or leaning to traumata on one side of the relationship - it’s better for the partner, child, parent whoever to also seek therapeutic help. also if its a past traumata.

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@ivankiss thanks for the support!  And I appreciate @Nahms words as well. 

I've left a very similar relationship before. I know that's always an option for me. 

Circumstances are different this time, however. My S/O is a *recovering* addict, and she was sober for the first 6 years of our relationship, but she relapsed and the past year as been a living nightmare. 


"I could be the walrus. I'd still have to bum rides off people."

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Posted (edited)

@Mason Riggle is this covid related? i heard a lot of shit happens because of the social situations. 

domestic crime rate went up so much, too. 

wish you and her good luck! 

Edited by mememe

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@mememe I'm sure it played a role. Relapse rates have skyrocketed since Covid


"I could be the walrus. I'd still have to bum rides off people."

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@Mason Riggle

Seize the opportunity, take the time. Pour yourself into somethin, transmute a few levels up. Learn something you wanted to learn, sing something you want to sing, create something you’ve been wanting to create, go somewhere you’ve thought about going. Rock the solo. (Not as in leave her, just as in focus, attention & time). That pain is high octane creation. Do you2.0.


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NONDUALITY LOA  My Youtube Channel  THE TRUE NATURE

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@Nahm excellent advice. 


"I could be the walrus. I'd still have to bum rides off people."

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I hope you have a ton of money, cause I heard in america the women takes more than half even if you are the victim. 

Why you even go with that kind of women brothas? 

stay single, save your life, your money, your dignity (if society has left you any dose of dignity as a man) 

take some cats and dogs and die with them if you are old age, no need to have a woman (that will make you die earlier anyway) 

 

Hope the best for you brotha    ... and remember not to commit the same mistake again, man and women weren't mean to live together 

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