Matthi

Moving away from my controlling parents

12 posts in this topic

Hi,

I am a 23 year old man, have no job, and still live with my parents. I want to move out, but don't know how. I have extremely low self-esteem, and pretty bad social anxiety, to the point that I literally can't form a coherent sentence when in front of a stranger. Even while writing this post, I'm totally stressed out because I don't know how you guys will judge me :D . Since I can remember, my parents always told me I was retarded, because I was different from my siblings, and often times didn't do what they wanted me to do, and they regularly took me to different therapists to prove their point (By the way, when I talk about my parents, I mostly mean my dad, and my mom was just always agreeing with him). By the time I entered high school I already was barely able to socialize. And when I was 15, I had a mental breakdown and didn't have the energy to go to school anymore. So I stayed home for several months, while spending most of my time lying in my bed and watching random Youtube-Videos and playing Videogames. During this time my dad got furious. He came into my room every day just to tell me what a lazy, stupid piece of shit I was, and eventually I couldn't take it anymore, and started screaming at my parents, whenever they entered my room and even said a single word to me, to get the hell out. And I was screaming so loudly and pushing and punching them so harshly, that they actually listened sometimes. This went on for about three months, then one day, without warning, some doctor came into my room, and said, he would take me with him. I tried to resist at first, but he was stronger than me. So he and my parents drove me to a mental hospital. I stayed there for another three months. The people there were horrible and most of the doctors treated me like a retard. Some of them didn't even try to hide their feeling of superiority and power. When I came out of the hospital I was a psychological wreck. And worse than that, my parents had transformed into demons during my absence. They now treated me even worse than the people in the hospital, and my dad told me repeatedly, if I didn't do everything he told me to, they would send me right back. And fair enough, that happened. After a couple of months of following all the rules I was supposed to follow while getting increasingly angry at the inside, one day my parents wanted to play a board game with me, but I said no, not with my dad. He just said: "Okay then", and a week later they brought me right back to the mental hospital. At this point I was feeling so bad there, that I somehow actually managed to convince the doctors there to let me go (I don't know how that worked out). So they released me back home after about a week. By this point I was terrified of my parents, because they could send me back anytime they wanted to. They never did though. I went to school for a few weeks after this, but then started to stay at home again, because I couldn't handle it anymore. I never finished school to this day. At this point my parents just decided to treat me as a retard, that is incapable of doing anything on its own. And so basically since that moment till today, I live at home with my parents, doing almost nothing, except watching Youtube Videos and playing Videogames, and watching Videos about Personal Development from time to time. I also started meditating two months ago.

Additionaly to this story, my parents also forced me to learn the piano since I was pretty young. I was really talented at it, but never felt really passionate about it. Shortly after I quit school, they signed me up at a University for Music, and I got accepted. I only lasted a year though, because it was too difficult for me. Now my parents want to sign me up for another sort of music-based school, but I don't want to go there. It would be a good opportunity to move out, since it's too far away from our home otherwise, but I don't want to move out on my parents' terms. I want to create my own life, but again, have no idea how to do that. The only skill I can offer right now is playing the piano, but I'm quite tired of that, and it makes me feel anxious. 

So, yeah, sorry for that long post; I didn't plan on sharing my whole life story, but it kinda happened. Also sorry if it's all over the place, but I have a very confused and chaotic mind right now, and that's the best I can do at this moment. Still, I would be greatful if anyone of you has some tips that could help me out of  this mess xD . 

Thanks for reading this!   

     

 

 

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That is a tough situation you put yourself in.. first do you feel you have irreversible consequences on your health/consciousness du to the forced treatment(I suppose you had one) in the mental hospital?first, Manage to never come back to mental hospital again. This places are filled with people who won’t hesitate giving you poison and have no idea what they are doing. Second, I’d say, based on what your describing that your development level is really low. You won’t find a life purpose or engage in a meaningful life within a day but a good next move would be indeed to find a job.( whatever job you can find, at this point, we do not care) move away from your parents home. Desintoxicate yourself from all this youtube, playing video games. Then when you stabilize that, you’ll take your time, using your non working time, to strategize, fill yourself with new aspiration, to go to the next level but this will take time, a lot amount of time. First, become indépendant no matter what you do 

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Posted (edited)

@Matthi it would be a really good idea to find a place where you still get some support with people who can help you overcome that conditioning - probably some sort of pedagogues who take you seriously but also are there to motivate you in a sense when you fall into a pit. 

shared housing and living alone might not be a good solution because it seems like you need someone who catches up on the aftereffects of your conditionings and that might be too much to handle without support, living alone is tough in that situation. i don’t know if you can find some kind of supervised living environment in your country.

if i was you i‘d set a reachable goal on finishing school by your own choice. try to figure out how you see yourself in ten years from now - what would possibly be a profession which would interest you? finishing school would be a foundation for almost any kind of further education. so figure out what are the possibilities to finish school, maybe there is even a possibility along with learning a profession at the same time, which is more interesting than school alone.

i‘d try small steps out of that environment, the risk of getting demotivated by big steps (like with music university) is too high. 

make sure that if you choose others for education/advice/support it’s your choice and not your parents choice and also don’t take these new supports for granted but more as a chance you give each other.

Edited by mememe

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Thank you for your replies, they help me a lot :)

I want to add that yesterday I was in a pretty depressed mood, and so I painted a quite dark and depressing picture in my story. And while my situation is difficult, it's not hopeless, and I already feel better today.

13 hours ago, Ilan said:

first do you feel you have irreversible consequences on your health/consciousness du to the forced treatment(I suppose you had one) in the mental hospital?

I am pretty sure that there aren't any irreversible consequences. After I got out of the hospital I was extremely emotionally suppressed and still am, but I am positive I will be able to let that go in the future. I don't feel inherently damaged, just traumatised and scared, and unwilling to accept what happened.

Also, they forced me to take some pills, but as far as I can remember, they didn't make me feel different at all, atleast not consciously.

13 hours ago, mememe said:

shared housing and living alone might not be a good solution because it seems like you need someone who catches up on the aftereffects of your conditionings and that might be too much to handle without support, living alone is tough in that situation. i don’t know if you can find some kind of supervised living environment in your country.

That's a good idea, though I couldn't find something like this so far. But I think I might be able to live alone, since it seems to be mostly the current environment that pulls me down. I remember a few times where I took a small trip to a nearby city by myself for a few hours, to get away from home for a bit, and suddenly my mind cleared up a lot, and even my social anxiety wasn't as bad anymore, but when I got back home, my mind closed down again almost immediately. 

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On 24.7.2021 at 0:26 PM, Matthi said:

That's a good idea, though I couldn't find something like this so far. But I think I might be able to live alone, since it seems to be mostly the current environment that pulls me down. I remember a few times where I took a small trip to a nearby city by myself for a few hours, to get away from home for a bit, and suddenly my mind cleared up a lot, and even my social anxiety wasn't as bad anymore, but when I got back home, my mind closed down again almost immediately. 

a different place is probably the most important part of leaving all of this behind. a chance of redefining yourself in a new social context.

although the tendency of going back into hiding might be more tempting if you live alone. if you can’t find a place where you get support by someone who sometimes might challenge you in a positive way, at least search for a therapist who you can see as a life coach. someone you can see as a support if you yourself notice falling back into old patterns. a lot of stuff happened there, what maybe doesn’t make a therapist the most attractive option - but if you choose that person yourself based on trust, it might be a support to get over the conditionings and negative impacts and also work on social anxieties in your own speed, without pressure. i‘m just recommending it, living alone can be tough with all household chores and stuff you have to handle. but independence is so nice and that’s what you will gain.

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@Matthi I'm sorry to hear about your problem.
I wish I could help, but unfortunately I can't. I lack the ability.


"Never underestimate the power of human stupidity."   — Robert A. Heinlein

"I'm allergic to stupidity."   — Chris Colfer

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Posted (edited)

Sorry for your situation.  Have you thought about trying to learn a skill rather than trying to study full time? You could try and get an apprenticeship where you work and do 1 day of college.  Low wages to begin with, but it would be a way to get out of the house and have a job whilst learning at the same time, and without the pressure of studying.  There are so many apprenticeships out there you just have to look at options and see if anything resonates with you.  It also gives some stability and structure, you have someone mentoring you and a motivation to go out every day and will also help you with socialising. Do you have any other family you could stay with? 

Edited by intotheblack

 

Your future self is watching you right now through memories

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@mememe Yes, of course you are right. Seeing a therapist is really a obvious step to solve my current problem. Once I got out of the mental hospital I was just scared to death of everyone that was a part of the mental health system, but that's of course a irrational fear. I am now searching for a therapist that will help to guide me through the steps I will have to take next.

Thank you for convincing me to finally do this! :)  

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Posted (edited)

@Matthi Man you really have faced some major issues in your life. Here's my bit of help-

1. If you want to move away from your parents, you need only 1 thing- constant income. Since you're already 23, legally they cannot force you to do anything (unless you are medically diagnosed as mentally unstable). 

2. Please try not to have another mental breakdown, because that will seriously increase the chances of you being declared "crazy". Trust me, once you are medically declared as crazy, you will be pretty much over.

3. So I need you to be calm and composed for the next few months. Why few months? Because you need that much time to start earning money.

4. Don't think about earning six-figure income right now. Your immediate target should be- minimum wage.

5. Once you earn some money, you can live on rent. Choose a cheap apartment. Share it with another minimum wager. Do something. Take action.

Regarding your psychological issues, you will need to resolve them yourself. Others can help you and support you, but only until a certain point (which you would have experienced by now).

Good luck brother❤️

Edited by Medhansh

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your post is long and I'm just answering the header of the thread.

parents are lovely and most of 'em love their children by their heart (excluding the ones who have serious mental disorder and hate their children)

but the fact that parent loving their kids by their heart doesn't mean they wouldn't abuse or manipulate you. 

sometimes, your father or mom would intentionally or unintentionally emasculate you in order to make you submissive to listen to their words instead of taking action by your own personal life agenda.

so finding a decent source of income and living independently would make you much mature. 

hope it helps.

 


"If you kick me when I'm down, you better pray I don't get up"

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