The Female Gaze

[soos_mite_ah]

Femininity YouTube Channels Pt. 2 

I got tired of writing last night and also the post was getting too long so I decided that I was going to split this off into 2(?) parts

 

Rabbit hole #4: The Divine Feminine 

It wasn't long after finding the other few rabbit holes that I also fell into the spiritual side of things as well. It was the perfect overlap between the two different content categories I was consuming. Honestly, I don't feel like I really need to get into what the divine feminine is and how it manifests since this is a spirituality forum and people around here are aware of the hippy dippy side of things. Instead, I'm going to go into some creators I found that I really benefit from. 

I have talked about both Isabel Palacios and Leeor Alexandra in previous journal entries and while I don't actively consume their content anymore (aint nothing wrong, I'm just exploring different corners of the internet) I do sometimes gravitate back because they have really positive energy imo. And sometimes, you need that energy and you need a nice reminder to have a positive self image, to honor your needs an boundaries, express yourself and your emotions, and carry yourself in a way where you value yourself and don't settle for less than what you deserve. Just in general, I noticed that a lot of spirituality channels that really talk about femininity often talk about the necessity of slowing down, taking care of yourself, and healing from different issues. 

I mean, I know people here are pretty familiar with Teal Swan and her content but I did find a lot of her videos on femininity to be insightful. I really found her video on periods interesting. That video mainly talked about how you should honor that time of the month and take that time as a sign to slow down, reflect, work through things, and take care of yourself. She's definitely not the only one talking about this and how a woman's energy levels fluctuate with her cycle and how it is unrealistic and unsustainable to expect people, especially women to always be putting in a 100% all the time. I do think that the general consensus among women is how the time of the month is horrible and they are in resistance towards it (and understandably so), but I think there is something to be said about working with yourself and making the time it's own occasion with a set of self care rituals instead of working against yourself and expecting yourself to just push through this and get it over with. Do I think you need to make it a whole thing and bring things like crystals, divine feminine paintings, and shadow work into it? I mean if that's your thing, go for it. For me, it's more along the lines of being cozy, taking a hot shower, and lighting a few candles. I've basically tried to introduce things that would make that time of the month something to look forward to. And I think that has improved the relationship that I have with my body as well as my mental health during this time because I associate it with things that I like instead of only associating it with pain. 

[soos_mite_ah]

Knowledge, Experience, and Compatibility 

So I was studying for my up coming exams with a friend. This friend then gets a phone call from another friend and starts talking to this person (for simplicity's sake I'm going to refer my fried as R and her friend she's talking to as H. I'm just doing my work but I over hear bits and pieces of the conversation, not to the point where I understand what's happening but just enough to get a sense of a wtf factor that would lead me to a sense of curiosity as to what as being discussed. 

After my friend gets off the phone call I'm like "I'm really curious as to what yall are talking about because it sounded funny but I also get that if it's really personal and you don't want to tell me" as I started laughing about the bits and pieces I heard. My friend tells me that the her friend H is having trouble finishing with her boyfriend. It's becoming a whole situation and her boyfriend is upset that he can't satisfy her sexually and she's upset because her body isn't doing what she wants it to do. H is beginning to wonder if this is a result of sexual incompatibility, if her birth control is to blame, of if there is something wrong with her and she is really upset because she doesn't want to break up with the guy since she really like him and their over all relationship is really healthy.

I then ask R whether this issue that H is having when she started dating her boyfriend or if this is an on going thing. R tells me that H was a virgin before she was dating her boyfriend. I then ask R if she knows if H has tried masturbating and doing things sexually herself to figure out what she likes to which the answer was no. Then I told R that maybe this isn't a issue with sexual incompatibility rather the case might be that H doesn't know what she likes and as a result is having trouble communicating that to her boyfriend and she should try to figure out what she likes physically on her own for a little bit and see if that helps. And it's also important to be patient with this as well since it can take a while to get used to all of the sensations to where it's actually pleasurable. R think's this is good advice and texts H about this to which H agrees to try to give it a shot. 

I keep talking to R and she was like "that's good advice, I told this girl to fake orgasms instead." Granted R is a virgin and probably didn't know better. I then explained to R why faking orgasms is generally bad advice and how that can create a lot of miscommunication and dissatisfaction in the long run because women are misrepresenting her needs, not exerting herself, and basically lying to the guy telling him that's he's doing a good job when he actually isn't. 

Then I started contemplating on what it actually means to be sexually compatible with someone and how knowledge and experience plays into everything which brings me into writing this post. I know that there are parts earlier in this journal where I have talked about feeling like I don't know what I'm talking about when I write in this journal due to my lack of experience: 

On 7/22/2021 at 4:05 PM, soos_mite_ah said:

I feel like my nervousness bleeds into my writing in the sense that I do feel embarrassed writing some of this stuff down and I find myself feeling more inhibited than in my other journals. I feel like I don't have enough knowledge or experience to know what I'm talking about in this subject. Also I have this fear of sounding like one of those 12 year old Wattpad writers who used to write One Direction fanfiction back in 2010 who have a super distorted views on sex because they have never had it before lmaoooo.

I feel that after the interaction I had above that maybe I know more than I give myself credit for. While I am a virgin, I have still made the effort to figure out what I like physically, unpack the limiting beliefs I might have around sex, and what my sexual needs are both through journaling as well as with my hands literally. While I don't have as much experience as other people, that doesn't discount the validity of the knowledge that I do have. And it also made me think about how different people have different ideas as to what makes someone experienced. One of the funnier examples I can think of off the top of my head is how some pick up people apparently keep track of the 100 one night stands that they had with people and how often times they still suck in bed because there is only so much you can experience when you have a one night stand. Basically, body count =/= how experienced and good you are in bed. I guess what I'm trying to say is that you can have done things and not know what you're going and vice versa even though knowledge and experience do tend to go hand in hand (but they aren't mutually inclusive). 

As far as sexual compatibility goes, I feel like there are multiple factors that one could look at. I'm going to do another post on that a little later because this post is getting a little long and I have other things to do. 

Edited December 5, 2021 by soos_mite_ah

[soos_mite_ah]

Lessons from Platonic Relationships: When He Treats You as the Stranger You Are 

I have seen a lot of dumb shit on the dating section of this forum. One of those dumb things is the whole thing about "putting on a player frame." Like sir, do you mean take situations in a regular place and not turn into a desperate clingy creep? It's the same as when people on this forum use the term "social calibration" as if being a person is some kind of rocket science. The overall thing that I think guys need to take from the whole concept of "putting on a player frame" is how you shouldn't do boyfriend level shit when you aren't committed to someone and when you barely know them since that can look manipulative and set up a not so healthy dynamic. I would honestly give women the same advice as well because when you get invested waaay too quickly before having a conversation with the other person, the consequences can range from being in a one sided relationship or codependent with someone where you don't feel appreciated all the way to falling into the claws of a narcissist.

I don't know how many of the guys on this forum knows (or cares about this) but there is this thing that a lot of narcissists do which is called love bombing. That's basically when you do really romantic gestures early on to get the other party hooked on to you like crack and dependent on validation and then you start playing games with them so that they get addicted to the highs and lows you provide. It's a recipe for an abusive dynamic and I feel like a lot of women are aware of this to where they want to run away when yall are going too fast. Like.... you don't even know me like that, why tf are you getting me flowers before the first date and sending me long ass messages on how much you care about me??? 

I think the reason why I want to call this "treating someone like the stranger they are" instead of "setting up a player frame" is because I think the later tries to swing the pendulum from being emotionally clingy all the way to being emotionally unavailable to the point of potentially being disrespectful. I think it can also breed a lot of cringy behaviors as well. I've been on dates where guys have asked me personal questions about my sex life and then they went ahead to detail their previous hook ups or their body count. I get what they are trying to do. They are trying to make the conversation sexual so that it can lead to something while trying to puff themselves up by talking about how experienced they are. They look so corny and insecure when they do that and while I'm comfortable with opening up about sex and what I like sexually, I don't want to discuss that shit with a total fucking stranger who is trying to look like a player. And I will tell you this, when I text my friends about these awkward ass conversations, we're really just staring at the group chat like: 

When it comes to treating someone like the stranger they are, to me that basically means not being clingy (i.e. not coming up with super romantic gestures early on, having a life so you're not overly fixated on me, etc.) but also being pretty respectful (i.e. not trying to be this player if you aren't, being on time to dates, planning things together etc.). And because you two are strangers, ideally there is that detachment from outcome so you aren't out here trying to push some type of Nice Guy™ agenda or play some kind of stupid ass game. And i stg, it isn't that hard to decipher whether or not someone has honest intentions with you especially as you get older. And being this calculated often looks even weirder and creepier than if you were to let yourself be you authentically weird and awkward self.

Overall, when a guy treats me like the stranger I am, I consider this a green flag. Not only does this tell me that this person isn't clingy or a psychopath but it also tells me that this person is self sufficient emotionally on his own, has a life, and is willing to take the relationship in a reasonable pace whether that relationship is something as serious as looking for a long term commitment or something casual like a fwb. And speaking on fwb, I have friends who have looked for casual relationships and I have been told from their accounts that it's pretty nice to have a first date where the person tries to get to know you as idk AN ACTUAL FUCKING PERSON before jumping into bed with them. Not only does this build a sense of chemistry that would be helpful in having a more satisfying hookup but I stg there is nothing that turns a woman off more than just a guy trying to rush and force his way into something instead of letting something naturally develop. I think this also translates into hookups as well where a lot of guys are so desperate to get their dicks wet to the point where they don't even take the time to turn the woman on and ensure that she's also having a good time. 

Anyway rant aside, don't rush into things. It isn't a good look. 

[soos_mite_ah]

I felt like I need a sticky note for this journal. I haven't been journalling as frequently as I normally do both in this journal as well as in my main journal and I want to keep myself accountable since I have a lot of things I want to write about. 

On 10/12/2021 at 0:20 PM, soos_mite_ah said:

• Unrealistic expectations and colorism 
• I’m ugly and I’m proud
• We’re not ugly
• The Link Between Homophobia and Sexism: Why I Don't Trust Homophobic Men 
• My Thoughts on Monogamy 
• The Sex Work Industry and the Ethics of Using Your Body for Profit
• Hook Up Culture: How Progressive Is it Really
• Sugar Baby Culture
• Does Sex Actually Sell?

[soos_mite_ah]

So I gave into temptation and redownloaded tinder against the interests of my mental health. I found a guy who I think is extremely attractive and we matched. 

His only personality trait is horny and talking to him feels like nails on a chalk board. Part of me is really desparate and wants to continue talking to him but another part of me is just like *wtf are you doing with your life* and *you know, looks aside, I kind of hate him.* I don't think I could go on a date with him and not have it be extremely awkward. 

Literally he hasn't displayed any other personality trait smh.... 

I hate it here. 

[soos_mite_ah]

Romanticizing the Bare Minimum 

Yeah I decided to not talk to the guy above again. As gorgeous as he is and as horny as I am, he's getting on my nerves.  

But on the bright side, I met someone new AND THIS TIME IT WAS THROUGH A FRIEND LIKE A NORMAL PERSON. I wrote about the first time I hung out with him in my other journal. I refered to him as U. 

Basically U and my friend M knew each other since elementary school. U sat next to M on the school bus and M basically decided for the both of them to be friends and they kept in touch ever since. U doesn't go to my school but I know him through M because M had a bucket list before graduating college and she brought U along because he's into the type of mischeif we were going to attempt. I got a good impression of U purely on a platonic level. He is a fun person to be around and seems like an all around decent person. We also have a similar sense of humor.

I didn't really think of him in a romantic light but M decided to set us up and asked me if it was ok to send U my number. He's not really my type but I did enjoy my time with him from before and I'm willing to give him a chance. I made the decision earlier this year that I'm not going to go on dates with guys I don't really like. And part of me wanted to write him off in that way. But also I personally feel like since we get along with one another at a bare bones platonic level that there is something to be said about there being a somewhat decent foundation where things won't be too awkward. Like I trust this person, especially since he has been friends with M for a long time. I know that M generally hangs around a good crowd and she isn't going to be setting me up with a psychopath lol. And plus we already hung out in a no pressure kind of environment where I was accompanied by a friend and where there was no pressure to escalate or do anything extra flirtation wise. We just had the space to just be and had no expectations. 

I remember M towards the end of us three hanging out we ran into my roommate passing by. She did mention that she was looking to set U up with someone and thought that my roommate would be a good match for him since they are weird / quirky in similar ways. Buutt.. the thing is... my roommate is VERY gay so that wasn't going to work. We both also tried to help this guy make a tinder because well we thought that would be fun to do. Again, didn't think much of it since I wasn't really looking at him in a romantic light. 

A couple days later, I don't rember whether M initiated the conversation or if it was U but basically U was like *yeah soos_mite_ah seems cool and I enjoyed us three hanging out together* and then M gave him my number after I said it was ok. We've been texting for the last few days or so, most of it is just normal stuff like like our interests and how our day has been. AND GET THIS, HE TREATS ME LIKE A NORMAL PERSON!!! No weird horny texts, no ghosting, no constant messages, no weird calculated motives to make him seem less/more needy, no texts in the middle of the night. The messages aren't even dry either. Like he seems like a normal and healthy person and that is honestly making me so happy and makes me feel like maybe this could lead somewhere good. He's also making his intentions clear and we already made plans to meet up for a date.

And I catch myself romanticizing him and daydreaming here and there. I know I'm pretty much hyping up the bare minimum, but considering my experiences with awkward tinder dates and an over all dry romantic life, this feels so refreshing. But also, I think part of this is healthy and normal in the sense that people often feel this rush when they are talking to someone new. And I think it's a good sign because again, I used to have this ineffective pattern of going on dates with guys I wasn't really interested in and basically forcing things especially with meeting people through apps. And in those times, I didn't feel happy or excited rather I felt stressed and annoyed everytime I would get a message from them. But that's not happening this time and I genuinely feel like I'm looking forward to seeing him and talking to him. 

But also I know that a lot of this is infatuation and that I don't know this guy very well. I think a lot of this infatuation is coming from the fact that he is treating me like a normal person. He's just been really respectful thus far and took the initiative to communicate his intentions and actually try to make plans with me. Even if he doesn't like me like that (honestly, I doubt that he likes me like that since he barely knows me), he kind of reminds me of the way that I normally act with anyone I'm initially dating whether I like them or not. Whether I am looking forward to a date or not, I still do try to make the effort to answer messages on time, keep the conversation wholesome but interesting, and make plans in a reasonable amount of time simply out of respect. And I get the sense that this is pretty much what he is doing. I mean, it's waaaay too early to figure out how either of us feel in this situation. Like I'm letting myself have this moment where I'm excited and infatuated but I know better than to romanticize a guy I barely know, not because I'm afraid to get attached but simply out of respect for not projecting things onto people. Over all, the way he is treating me is reminding me of this post that I wrote a few months back: 

I think other factors that play into this sense of romanticization is the notion of how this feels fated to a certain extent and how I'm currently dealing with exams. This feels kind of fated because the way I met M is kind of fated. Even though we go to the same school, I don't have classes with her, I don't encounter her on campus, and we don't have any common friends. I just started a conversation with this random girl at the coffee shop I was hanging out in and we just decided to keep in touch and be intentional with hanging out since then. If I hadn't started that conversation, there is no other way I would have met this person. And if that didn't happen, I would have never met U. Regarding exams, I know that whenever I'm under stress I'm usually either hornier than usual and/or more cuddly because that's my way of alleviating stress. I'm not feeling the horniness rn with this person but I do feel this general cuddling urge creeping in. Like.... I just want a hug and some basic physical affection rn and this situation feels perfect for that. 

Even though I am infatuated, I do still feel pretty grounded and comfortable with this whole situation. This isn't something that feels like some kind of euphoric rush. Refering to the post I linked above, I do think that it's a bright green flag that he is treating me like the stranger I am. I think a healthy dose of infatuation is fine so long as you don't get consumed by it to the point where you can't recognize a person for who they actually are. 

But anyways, I hope this date I'm about to go on goes well. I'm a little nervous since I'm hanging out with him alone instead of having a friend there to break any awkward silences. And just in general I'm always a little nervous about meeting new people lol. But even then I do feel calmer since I know that we get along at a baseline level so it can only be so awkward. Even if it doesn't turn into anything, I do generally like being around this person even if it isn't romantic. 

Edited May 7, 2022 by soos_mite_ah

[soos_mite_ah]

Current mood

[soos_mite_ah]

@modmyth I appreciate it  and I'll post an update in the next couple of days  

[soos_mite_ah]

An Update 

Soooo.... The first date went well. Again, he seems like an over all normal and respectful person and an all around decent human being. But I think I'm past romanticizing that after this date. And that's not a bad thing, I mean we should expect to be treated well insted of thinking of it as something so amazing and unattainable. I remember initially I was pretty nervous going in, as nervous as most people are when they are meeting someone they don't know well and don't want things to be awkward.

The date as a little awkward not gonna lie. But it isn't the kind of awkward that would make things weird or raise red flags. It's the kind of awkward where you don't really have much to say because you don't know the person really well yet. I guess if I were to put it, it was realistically awkward. I don't expect people to be their most charismatic, chattery selves on a first date so I'm not disappointed or turned off. 

I did enjoy my time though. We went to this nice pizza place and the food was amazing. I'm getting a good vibe from this guy over all. I enjoyed talking to him and I'm interested in going another date with him. I feel like we're on the same page with a lot of things when it comes to things like our sense of humor, general way of looking at things, and the way that we like to relax and enjoy ourselves. I will say however that I didn't really feel like a *spark* or anything as of right now. Again, probably has to do with me not knowing him super well. Granted, part of me was romanticizing him prior to the date so on one hand, while I'm glad that I'm pretty comfortable around this person and I don't have to hyper myself up over this, I guess there is that hopeless romantic part of me that wished this was one of those whirlwind, getting swept off your feet moments you often see in the media and is slightly disappointed. I do think that it is healthier that this whirlwind isn't happening though because getting attached and projecting your ideas on to a person when you don't know them isn't healthy for a variety of reasons. Like the pace as of right now feels very reasonable and comfortable. Sure, my thristy self kind of craves for something faster, but I'm willing to take some time when it comes to creating something more stable and sustainable. 

That's kind of how I would characterize our dynamic so far. We're just getting to know each other and so far it feels very stable, respectful, and just a dash of expected awkwardness.  From what I'm gathering at least from this date and the conversations I have had with him afterwards, I'm pretty sure he's on the same page with all of this. I can tell that he's interested in getting to know me and that he enjoyed his time, but a lot of the way that he is treating me as more to do with general respect than romantic infatuation. And I think that is a very realistic way of taking this situation. Overall, glaring bright green flag. 

While I don't feel a spark or this kind of instantaneous feeling of connection and attraction to him, I'm not worried because I noticed that since I do like talking to him, keeping up contact doesn't feel like a chore. That was one of the things that I was thinking about where I was like *do I like this person* since I do have a bad habit of dating people I don't really like and hoping I'll grow to like them since I really want a relationship. But, I think this is different because in the other times, I would find myself getting slightly annoyed when someone would text me. I think there is a saying that's along the lines the brightest sparks fade the fastest so while a firework might be exciting at first, it isn't going to sustain you through the night unlike a fire that takes a while to get going and burns slowly. If this does turn into something, I think it would be one of those slow burn situations. Again, glaring green flag. 

Final verdict: Good guy, had a good time, both he and the dynamic seems stable and healthy, but I don't have many expectations as to how things are going to go since we're getting to know each other. Still feeling things out but I know for sure that I want a second date.  

[soos_mite_ah]

The Second Date 

So I went on the second date with U and I would say it went really well. It took us some time to go on this second date because I accidentally ghosted him due to me breaking my phone and my new phone taking forever to ship to me. He was pretty understanding of this situation since during the first date I did give the indication that my phone is malfunctioning therefore, if at any time I stop responding and go cold for a few days, that isn't me being a disrespectful asshole rather it is most likely my phone. We made light of the situation and then planned out our second date. 

We went to this barbecue place. I didn't think it through how messy the meal was going to be (I was just craving ribs lol) but honestly, it wasn't that big of a deal. I was a little nervous before this date because I didn't want it to be awkward and be in the position where we run out of things to talk about. But thankfully, that didn't happen. I think we were both more comfortable with each other on this date because we know each other a little better and as a result it wasn't as awkward. I really enjoyed my time and even lost track of time for a moment so that's a good sign in my eyes. 

I also went into this date with the intention of bringing up what he was looking for and his past relationship history. I'm pretty sure that this guy is looking for something more serious instead of a hook up just by the way he is treating but still, it doesn't hurt to have things be explicit. But I didn't bring this topic up. Honestly, we just started talking about other stuff and the conversation flowed in different directions. It wasn't like we were trying to avoid the topic or anything. I still do think that this would be important to bring up but at the same time, I think it's a good sign that I felt like I could be present in this conversation and have it take it's course rather than me over analyzing and strategizing shit during this date. That's not to say that I'm not taking note of what he is saying and any potential red flags but much more that I don't catch myself clenching up and being hyper vigilant of these types of things.

I think part of me feels that I can put my guard down to a certain extent around U since I did meet him through a trusted friend and because I have more of a context of what he is like. It's like because I met him through a friend, there is already some of that filteration work already done since if he can get along with my friend, chances are he and I have similar things and values in common since my friend and I have similarities. I would say this is so much better than me meeting people out in the wild lol. And just in general, I do tend to attract good people in my life as far as friendships go so in my mind, I feel like there is a good chance that I would meet other good men in that way.  Speaking of attracting good people in my life, this is something that I have talked about in my main journal in a couple of posts: 

Overall, U seems like a bright green flag so far. I'm planning on seeing him tomorrow along with the friend he and I have in common so that should be fun. 

[soos_mite_ah]

7 Months into My First Relationship 

I haven't posted in this journal in a long time so I thought I'd give some updates. I'm still with the guy that I wrote about in my previous posts and we're almost 7 months into this relationship. I would say overall things are going really well and this is a healthy and happy relationship for the both of us. I am learning a lot about how I naturally behave in a relationship and I'm learning more about my preferences as well. Also, I'm so happy that I waited for someone like U to get into a relationship. The wait was really annoying as someone who was perpetually single for 22 years but it was worth it. And I hope that this reflection will help me identify things that I could work on and things to keep in mind going forward in my future relationships. 

 

1. I think I just now entered the honeymoon stage 6 months into our relationship. I know the honeymoon stage is often associated with the beginning of the relationship and is thought to end at around the 6-month mark but I think for me, the honeymoon stage started later because the first 6 months was me just getting to know the person. Now that I know him and am comfortable around him, I think now I’m more inclined to be kind of mushy and a little clingy with him. I knew that I was a cuddly person, but I never thought of myself as someone who is affectionate in this way.

 

2. I think I also opened myself up to affection during the duration of this relationship. I remember before I would compare myself to a feral cat romantically in the sense that I’m independent, functioning, and able to take care of myself but I tend to be distrustful and afraid around people, not because of any bad experience but because of a lack of experience and exposure. I feel that this relationship developed in a reasonable pace, slow at times but reasonable nonetheless, and as a result we have a pretty good foundation for our relationship platonically outside of the romantic and sexual aspects. And I feel that this foundation is the reason why romantic gestures don’t feel cringy to me anymore. I never thought of myself as the type of person who would sent good morning or good night texts but here I am. I think my comfort level with affection and various romantic gestures comes down to how much we developed the relationship. Because I would not be able to text someone this way or go on fancy dates with someone I was just starting to get to know. I used to think that this made me cold and standoffish when it came to romance but now that I have more information on myself and how I react to romantic situations, I feel like this is more realistic that icy. I think that now that U and I have a more developed relationship, I feel more comfortable with doing more grand gestures and “being spoiled.”

 

3. It’s also been interesting to see how I react to being in a relationship. I am seeing how well I can handle a variety of situations and how I am a very healthy and self-aware partner with a lot to offer. It really makes me think about how having, maintaining, deepening, relationships along with handling various challenges and conflicts that arise are skills more than anything. I wouldn’t say that if you have never been in a relationship or had various romantic encounters that this makes you less skilled but I would say that in the end of the day, human relationship are human relationships, and odds are if you are good with dealing with people interpersonally, whether it be with your friends, coworkers, acquaintances, etc. you probably already have some of the key skills necessary to be good at a romantic relationship. This can include:

• being an effective communicator by being able to identify and articulate your emotions and boundaries even when conversations might be uncomfortable or heavy
• having the kindness and empathy to appropriately give people the benefit of the doubt without it being a threat to your ego and by recognizing and encouraging other priorities people in you life have
• being an effective and active listener who seeks connect with people and provide comfort and/or solutions from a healthy place by identifying what’s important to the other person
• by being a pleasant and fun person to be around who has a good character and a personality / interests
• having the self-awareness to admit when you’re wrong and take responsibility accordingly in a way that is empathic to the other person, and that the thing in question doesn’t happen again because you have worked through the emotions and issues causing the behavior in the first place

Of course this isn’t everything but these are the most important things I can come up with off the top of my head. But I think I’m less inclined to think of love and relationships through the lens of having soul mates or having the one. I feel that this skills-based approach along with a general sense of compatibility demystified love. But I don’t think it makes love any less magical because it’s still exciting to watch all these factors at play even if they are more tangible rather than ethereal.

 

4. I am also experiencing what it is like to be desired in a healthy and safe context. As a woman of color who is also rather curvy, I’ve had my fair share of weird, racist, and fetishizing comments and experiences. And growing up I often felt like I had to be on guard with my body and that it was seen as ugly and sexualized at the same time. I felt vulgar and undesirable because of the disrespect that I encountered. But I don’t feel any fear when it comes to U. I know that he respects my boundaries and sees me like an actual person. I know that I can be around him and not have everything revolve around physical intimacy or my looks even though he enjoys showing me affection and telling me how beautiful I am. I feel very appreciated around him and I feel very calm every time we get physical. I am very rarely self-conscious around him because I know how much he accepts me.

 

5.  I’m starting to learn about what I want out of a relationship now that I have my needs met. I feel like my relationship with U, as my first relationship, is a lot like the ideal first job you get out of college. That job might not be your dream job or something that you’re super passionate about but you like the job, it pays you well, it has good benefits, it has a healthy culture and work life balance, and it gives you the room to figure out what you really want since you aren’t in this anxiety mood all the time.  Similarly, U might not be my dream partner but I like spending time with him, he is a healthy person to be around, we go on fun dates, and I really like this dynamic because of how constructive it is.

I think we are very compatible at the moment because of where we are at our lives and how experience level romantically. We’re mainly focused on enjoying ourselves and learning about each other in a romantic and sexual setting but I don’t really see us being on the same page when it comes to settling down or even what that means to each of us, much less know whether we are a good match for each other. I also see this relationship as a really good foundation and base line to explore my wants now that I have established my standards and have had them manifest. I think when you’re in the dating game for a while and you have encountered all types of creatures who have been socialized by a pigeon, it’s easy to want to settle for someone who is healthy and fits your standards but not necessarily fits your preferences because your priority as some one who is emotionally thirsty and touch starved is to get with someone who isn’t a psychopath. And U’s main appeal is that he is a green flag. That’s great and all but I deserve more than *please don’t hurt me.* I think going forward it’s going to be more important for me to find someone who is more intellectually compatible with me, more emotionally open about sharing their life, and more suited towards my physical type.

I think a big reason why we are compatible is because we are each other’s firsts and we have a similar communication styles and values. The best place I can see this is sexually. We are moving at similar paces because this is both of our first times. We are patient, understanding, and attentive to consent. We feel very safe with one another. But as we explore our sexuality, we notice that there are tastes we both have that are not as compatible with each other. And that is ok and healthy because it means that while we are growing together sexually, we can still differentiate and notice where we are growing individually as far as sex goes. The same goes for our broader relationship where we both move in similar paces since it is our first relationship and we have similar values and priorities as a result but while we are growing together, we are also growing on our own too. And it’s ok if we grow and diverge as a result later on when our needs and desires change and we have a better idea of what exactly we are compatible with.

 

6. I’m also learning about what role physical intimacy and attraction has in my relationship. I think I am the type of person who needs a certain degree of physical intimacy because for me it is one of many outlets for me to connect to them. I think after this relationship I want to explore my sexuality more and get somethings out of my system, but I want to make sure I’m in a safe location to do that given the current abortion laws. As for attraction, I think for me it takes time for me to feel that attraction as I develop an emotional connection. I feel like I lean more towards being demisexual. Sex isn’t the most important thing for me (I know there are people who REALLY need to be with someone they are sexually compatible with and I don’t see myself in that boat entirely), but I do need a certain frequency of intimacy (at around once a week or once every other week). I do have certain aesthetic preferences and I think it’s important for some of that to be fulfilled even if it isn’t the most important thing in the world.

I think if anything that it’s good that I am dating someone who isn’t physically my type, but I still find cute anyways because it relieves some of the pressure/nervousness people feel when they’re around people they find attractive and as a result we were able to build a stronger foundation with something more substantiated than looks. I think it also taught me to build chemistry even if the situation did not start with butterflies or fiery passion.  But I think the downside of this is sometimes feeling like I’m leading him on or not feeling 100% authentic, not having the confidence to go after who I’m actually attracted to, and settling for whoever likes me over who I like. That is something that I need to work through independently during and after this relationship and it has nothing to do with U.

 

7. I’m learning about how I feel about gender roles and what I feel comfortable with and what feels natural for me in a healthy reciprocal relationship. I think with dating advice, especially when it comes to advice geared towards straight people, it’s very easy to fall into a lot of gender essentialism (i.e. the man always has to pursue and pay and the woman has to be more passive) over checking in to see how you authentically feel. I’m okay with paying sometimes so long as I know what a man’s intentions are and that he is not otherwise stingy with his love. I’m okay with being the pursuer and making the first move at times because to a certain extent that feels natural to me.  In other words, as I’m learning more about what I’m like in a relationship, I am learning what resonates with me when it comes to masculinity and femininity instead of confining myself into one type of performance because of my gender and expect the other person to do the same thing without acknowledging that they are a complete and complex person just like me.

 

8. I am trying to figure out what authenticity means to me regarding balancing principle with emotions. I feel like I have a very left brained approach to love which also translates to how I found it surprising that I could be a mushy person given that I have dated someone for months. I think this approach has helped me a lot on not acting on impulse, making decisions that are good for my emotional well being in the long term, and having a guide so that I am thinking clearly. As a result, I feel like I have the skills part of the relationship down. But I don’t really have the passion or impulse part down and I think part of it is because of physical attraction and still figuring out my tastes sexually. I find myself feel like I love U but that I’m not in love with U. Like I can act this out on principle and act accordingly in a way that takes him into consideration. But emotionally, I’m not there yet, or at least I don’t feel like I am. Maybe it will take some time since I am demisexual or maybe this is what a healthy relationship is supposed to feel like contradictory to the euphoric all-consuming love that often makes for an exciting rom com or a juicy Sex And The City episode.

[soos_mite_ah]

Figuring Out My Sexuality

I have talked about this in my journal about a year ago But basically, after getting on birth control, I've been questioning my sexuality because it's been messing with my head. I identified as asexual for 7 years, from the age of 14 to 21 and after getting on birth control, I was uncertain as to whether I still identified as asexual, or if I was demisexual, straight, or bisexual. 

I think since I've started this journal I have figured some things out. 

So I know that I'm not asexual because I am attracted to my boyfried but I could make the arguement that I am still demisexual because it wasn't until after we've been dating for a few months that I started becoming attracted to him because of the emotional bond we have made together.  I might also be straight and this was just a situation where I chose to date someone who wasn't my type so instead of feeling attraction initially, it took some time to build. But also, even though I do have a type, I don't know to what extent that is simply an aesthetic preference or something I'm attracted to from the get go. 

I know that I'm not bisexual because I am pretty sure I don't like women. I think I'm just aesthetically into women because I stg all of them are so beautiful and have so much personality and are basically like these personified pinterest boards if that makes sense. But, the way that I know that I'm not into women sexually rather this is just an aesthetic appreciation is my experience in a sex show in Amsterdam. Basically, I went to Amsterdam this summer and I wanted to check out the night life. I kind of found myself walking around aimlessly since I don't care for alcohol or weed and then I panicked and went into a club in the red light district. Turns out I walked into a sex club. This probably deserves a post of its own but basically I found out that I'm not attracted to women because when I saw a naked woman getting fucked and doing a whole strip routine, I didn't think *wow, that's hot, I'm  turned on.* Instead I thought *wow, that's impressive, can she teach me?* lmaooo 

I think wanting a threesome mainly has to do with the porn I was exposed to and how most straight porn is boring and doesn't depict things that typically turn women on. It isn't uncommon for straight women to gravitate towards lesbian porn because thats usually the type of porn that depicts a woman being kissed, caressed, and receiving oral, you know, things that actually get a woman wet and climax while straight porn usually consists of .2 seconds of kissing followed by a woman just getting jack hammered on screen. I wrote about this in my previous post on figuring out my sexuality: 

On 10/20/2021 at 3:11 PM, soos_mite_ah said:

Bisexual: This is one that I find hard to come to terms with, not because I think there is anything wrong with being bi, but because I don't want to be seen as a performative bisexual. I don't really find myself being attracted to women sexually. Sure I'm platonically and aesthetically attracted but sexually and romantically, it's a no for me. The only time I find women attractive sexually is in the context of a threesome. Also, there is a chance that the only reason why I'm into a threesome is because most porn is so boring to me as a woman to where the only way to make it more visually stimulating is to have more people involved. I don't really want to hook up with a woman otherwise.

In conclusion, I feel like now it's between the posibility of me being straight or demisexual. I'm leaning more towards being demisexual because of my current relationship 

[soos_mite_ah]

Things to Write About in the Future 

Euphoria and How it Depicts Sexuality 

My Amsterdam Sex Show Experience

How Body Image Impacts My Sexuality 

Reflections on Past Posts 

Overturning Roe v. Wade  

Future Romantic and/or Sexual Experiences I Want to Have 

My Sexuality: In Theory vs. In Practice 

[Bob Seeker]

On 11/28/2022 at 5:44 PM, soos_mite_ah said:

I find myself feel like I love U but that I’m not in love with U

I am almost 25, never been in a relationship. Cool to read your post because it is insightful for me. Looking forward to a relationship myself. 

some thoughts-

The above quote reminds me of a video I watched. It's advice was "stop falling in love, rise in love". I can't speak with much confidence but the idea makes sense to me. "Falling in love" may just be us projecting our needs onto the other person and seeing them as our Source of happiness - leading to inevitable disappointment. Rising in love is to choose to be love and relate from that space, fundamentally focused on giving and creating, and aiding each other in releasing every false thought each of you have ever had about yourselves. 

When you say u need to work on your thoughts about not being able or worthy to find a guy who suits you better-

-The funny thing is that the only work we need to do on our thoughts is to stop having them. Just write on a dream board what you want and stop thinking whatever you are thinking that is negative. Just literally throw that ish to the wind for no better reason that they you can, and just allow the thing to come into your life. Works like a charm. 

[soos_mite_ah]

Looking Back on Previous Posts Part 1

This is going to be a multipart series of me looking back at previous posts as I am more likely to look at them with a different light since I have some between when I first wrote these posts and now, especially since I have since entered into my first relationship. I feel like as I have been in this relationship, I have revaluated somethings and have gained more experience in others so I thought it couldn't hurt to see where I stood then compared to where I stand now. 

I talked about how often I thought about intimacy in my daily life in this post and how it can be a bit excessive. Not gonna lie, after being in a relationship for a hot minute and having physical affection on a regular basis, I do think back then I thought about sex and intimacy constantly because there was an itch not being scratched. I remember in this previous semester in school, in the middle of one of my classes, thinking something along the lines of "hey, I can actually focus and not have horny thoughts come up because for the first time in my life I'm not touch starved."

On a similar note, I remember entering the relationship thinking I had a much higher sex drive than I actually have due to previous pent up energy. I would say back then I would be horny 3-4 times a week but now that I'm in a relationship, at the most my partner and I are in the mood like once a week or so. Then again we only see each other about once a week and even then it isn't always guranteed that anything would happen because sometimes we're just around each other's friends and family or we're too busy for having someone stay over due to scheduling and roommate issues. Like, things get in the way, but it isn't really a source of sexual frustration for either of us.

On 7/18/2021 at 10:28 PM, soos_mite_ah said:

I Don't Feel Worthy of a Relationship... Yet

I really want to put myself out there, date, and get into a relationship. So why am I not doing that? Well it's because I don't have a solid circle of friends and because I don't have clear career goals with my life purpose yet. I'm also not developed enough as far as emotional maturity goes and I don't love myself 100%. 

I feel like this post had a lot of self awareness even though I didn't fully integrate the notion that I can have healthy relationships without being in this cycle of fixing myself. And a lot of that had to do with a lack of life experience. But to be fair, I was in a very weird and unpleasant place in my life at July of 2021 and I think it did make more sense back then to focus on the other stuff in my life instead of jumping into a relationship. I don't know if I knew this at the time or not but there is only so much healing you can do by yourself in a vaccuum. Relational trauma often times needs to be resolved by changing behaviors in new dynamics rather than self isolation. This is because we need practice in relationships, be it platonic or otherwise, and we need to expose ourselves to new and healthy experiences to rewire some of our previous beliefs, habits, and instincts so that our nervous system is more regulated and we can identify unhealthy situations more effectively. I can't say that that I had my life together all the way when I met U but I do think that because I am able to regulate my emotions, communicate, take responsibility,  and because I have multiple outlets for dealing with things, even if emotional difficulties come up, they aren't messing with the dynamic of our relationships. I wouldn't say that getting into a relationship when you're in a turmultous time of you life is a good idea, and it doesn't hurt to err in the side of caution and put things off until you feel ready to commit to something .But at the same time, I don't think that people need to be fully healed to be in a healthy and loving relationship so long as both parties have solid relationship skills and have the self awareness to cope in a healthy way.

On 7/22/2021 at 4:05 PM, soos_mite_ah said:

Nervousness and Intimacy 

There is a common format that I noticed about some of the scenarios I fantasize about. It's along the lines of feeling nervous and embarrassed/ashamed, and then having this feeling of comfort and warmth. I guess I can best articulate this by explaining a couple of examples. 

1. Something that happens to me when I'm around a guy that I'm actually interested in is that I get really shy and I end up blushing really easily. I can flirt and act normally on a regular date, but I stg when I'm around a guy I actually like, all of that goes out the window and instead I'm left looking a bumbling fool. That's an exaggeration but there is this sense of excitement that sits in in the form of nervousness. One thing that I like to imagine is turning red and immediately feeling like I have to hide my face, either in my hands or by hugging the guy I'm talking to by burying my face in his chest out of nervousness and embarrassment. That is followed by him telling me how much he wants to see my face because he thinks it's really sweet and beautiful when I get this flustered. I would look back up at him, still feeling nervous and now even more embarrassed because all I want to do is hide only for him to kiss me really softly and turn me even more red. 

2. This is also an embarrassing scenario because I think it's the bare minimum. I'm glad I recognized this as the bare minimum back then because now, since I have a partner that respects me in every way and tangibly shows this to me, this feels less like a fantasy and like a basic expectation and foundation. Personally I know that when I'm around a guy I like, I tend to physically tense up a little since I'm extra physically and emotionally sensitive, therefore I get overwhelmed really easily. (This is a tangent but I remember one time a guy I liked whispered something in my ear. It wasn't anything exciting, actually it was kind of dumb but I caught myself getting goosebumps. A guy that I wasn't interested in could literally do the same thing and I wouldn't get any reaction). But the scenario goes a little like this. Me and this guy are doing something and he catches me physically tensing up. He stops what he's doing and says something along the lines of "hey, you know you don't have to do anything you're not comfortable with. It's ok if this feels like it's too much, we can always slow down." Whether or not I continue escalating, I think if a guy stopped to check up on me like that to make sure I was ok, I would emotionally melt, have much more respect for him, and trust him more which would make me more comfortable with getting outside of my comfort zone more in the future.  I don't think I would develop feelings for him just based on that but it would strengthen any romantic or sexual feelings I had for him previously. Like even if this is just someone I'm hooking up with, knowing that he respects me and that I can trust him isn't something that is limited to something long term. 

I remember a friend was talking about how she experienced a similar situation when she was hooking up with this one guy and basically we were both sitting there like "aww, that sounds so sweet." She then went on to talk about how that made her feel more comfortable to keep going. That whole mentality is the opposite of guys who are really pushy and desperate and unfortunately, it felt refreshing to the point of romanticization because pushy desperate guys are so common (I swear we all have a story of a guy getting too pushy and who made us or a friend really uncomfortable). Again, it's sad because something like this shouldn't be praised or seen as romantic. It should be the bare minimum for consent. Again, I'm glad I recognized this back then but yeah... I feel like my standards have rose since then. 

3. I also have some nervousness and embarrassment around sex, not because I have a lot of limiting beliefs around sex or because I think sex is dirty and taboo, but because I have absolutely no idea what I'm doing. I think in the first few times, to deal with this sense of embarrassment, I would like a sense of warmth and comfort in the form of praise and reassurance (I would also add humor to that as well). I'm glad that I recognized this back then and chose a partner accordingly regarding how comfortable we feel with one another. I feel like the fact that both me and U were pretty new to everything, we were moving in similar paces and we could laugh about awkward moments together. I don't feel an ounce of nervousness around this person.  Something along the lines of "you're doing so good" or " It's ok, you can let go fully. I love hearing your voice and your moans. Just do whatever comes naturally for you ok?" 

(This is a tangent but I feel like my nervousness bleeds into my writing in the sense that I do feel embarrassed writing some of this stuff down and I find myself feeling more inhibited than in my other journals. I feel like I don't have enough knowledge or experience to know what I'm talking about in this subject. Also I have this fear of sounding like one of those 12 year old Wattpad writers who used to write One Direction fanfiction back in 2010 who have a super distorted views on sex because they have never had it before lmaoooo.) Looking back at this, no I didn't sound cringy. But I do feel like I never had an original thought in my silly little brain as I am reading my old posts.

4. Ok this is a scenario that actually happened to me before. For context, I had this crush on my professor (he's pretty young as far as professors go lol and if I didn't know him, I'd probably assume that he was near my age) and finals week was coming up. Bruh... I'm so glad that I'm over my professor. I knew this back then (especially since it irked me to act on it since he was significantly older than me) but the man was a fantasy place holder until someone in my life around my age came along. I still find him attactive but I don't think about him because I have my own man now. I went to his office because I was confused over some last minute course material that I needed to understand before the exam. I have gone to his office before in the semester and he always has his door opened by a crack and he told me that I don't need to knock or anything and that I can just walk in and that's fine. Well, this was the one time I did that and I walked in on the wrong time. By the looks of it, I walked in on a serious conversation with another student. He looked at me as if he wanted to kill me. That was embarrassing because the whole situation felt awkward and I felt extra nervous because I'm not used to seeing this guy like this. He's the type of person who is really sweet and has this warmth about him, so seeing him like this felt like a huge contrast. That scared me but it also kind of turned me on tbh because it felt like I saw another side of him.

I overheard bits and pieces of the conversation even though I was spending most of my energy to calm tf down. Basically the guy he was talking to was trying to play a bunch of sympathy cards to get his grades up despite the fact he didn't do the work for the entire semester.  Based on what I know about this professor, I'm not surprised that there are people who try to take advantage of his kindness and I doubt that this is the first time something like this happened to him. Then the student he was talking to walked out of his office. This guy looked stunned/panicked and almost on the verge of tears. I felt really nervous walking into his office. I walked in and told him that I was sorry and that I didn't know that he was having an important conversation with another student. His whole demeanor changed and he said something along the lines of "it's ok, you didn't do anything wrong. It's kind of my fault  because I normally let people walk into my office without saying anything. I'm sorry I made you jump a little. I sometimes don't have control over my facial expressions."  He said this while laughing a little bit to ease any bit of tension that might have been in the air. Then the conversation continued with "so what brings you here today" and I just asked him the questions I had about the course material, I got my answers, and I got tf out of there. Not to be dramatic, but I think this was the first time I actually felt sexually attracted to a person. 

 

In conclusion, I think having someone see that nervous, embarrassed, and flustered parts of me creates this sense of intimacy because those are vulnerable emotions that feel really authentic to me. And having someone accept and reassure that part of me and respond with kindness is really appealing and again builds that sense of respect and trust. There is that sense of intentionality in the form of paying attention to your partner and checking in to see how they are doing and responding.  I think that my current experiences lead me to prefering the whole notion of feeling 100% comfortable around your partner because you know how much they accept you and care about you. But not gonna lie, there is a part of me that still wishes to have that experience where I am giddy and red with excitement. There is also that contrast between discomfort moving into comfort and judging my the previous experience I talked about, contrast can be really appealing because it creates a multidimensional experience. And all of those things play into things like chemistry and intimacy in a dynamic. 

This post was mainly about my experience in growing up in a strict South Asian house hold that downplayed the importance of relationships in order for me to focus on school and a general sense of success. I also talked about how having to deal with a variety of obstacles in my life as a young person cause romantic relationships to be the last thing on my mind even though I craved them. Looking back, I do think it was the right move to focus on other things instead of boys, but I will say it did take time and practice to learn how to prioritize the people in my life while balancing everything else. And once I learned how to do that platonically, it was pretty straight forward romantically as well. It goes back to the whole relational experiences and habits thing. I still have a lot going on in my life but I do think it's more in the positive way instead of the dealing with trauma way. 

 

I remember where I was emotionally when I wrote the two posts linked above. I remember the shame I felt with being a virgin, the envy I felt regarding some people and their sex lives, and the frustrations I had with incels and how they coped by taking things out on other people. I don't feel much regarding these things anymore even though I am still a virgin at 23 (more on that in a different post lol smh). But these posts are really making me think of how far I have come regarding my emotional state on certain topics and how I feel more secure now that I have a partner and I was able to scratch a lot of itches and confirm things to myself. And as a result, I feel like I have worked through and resolved a bunch of things. I feel like I can do a whole nother post about how being in a relationship has affected my perception of my own desirability. But this post has been long enough and I think this is a good place to stop.

Edited December 26, 2022 by soos_mite_ah

[soos_mite_ah]

Looking Back on Previous Posts Part 2 : Desirability 

In this part I will be mainly talking about my perception of my own desirability and how that has evolved since being in a relationship. 

In part 1 I mainly talked about how racism and fatphobia affected my perception of how attractive I see myself and in part 2 I talked about how the lack of safety I feel as a woman existing contributes to me feeling like I'm sexualized but without the agency of seeing myself as a sexual person. I feel like racism and fatphobia still affects the way that I see myself but I feel like it manifests more as body image issues rather than not being seen as attractive. I can't say that I feel beautiful very often, especially in this past year as I've been grappling with issues around my weight, but I trust others to see me as beautiful. Whenever my boyfriend tells me I'm beautiful, I definitely nod and say thank you but internally I'm thinking *I can't see it but I'm glad you're enjoying the show lol.* I think back then I had trouble seeing myself as desirable in general whereas now I see myself as someone who might not be conventionally attractive to most people because of the aforementioned reasons,  but I can be seen as attractive in the individual scale. Also, ngl, sometimes I'm afraid that my experience with my boyfriend is a one off anomaly of a situation compared to most of my life. 

As for part 2, I think to a certain extent I will always have to be careful about my safety and be vigilant about fetishization. Even when I first started U, I had to be on the look out to make sure he wasn't a creep who fetishized Asian women especially since he was a white man. And thankfully he isn't or else we wouldn't be together. I also feel that this relationship has given me more of an outlet to express myself sexually in a safe and respectful environment that my boyfriend and I created together. I know that he doesn't see me as less of a person for expressing myself in this way and it's nice to see what being desired respectfully looks like. I don't feel unsafe, embarassed, or awkward around him. As far as body image is concerned, I don't feel self conscious when I'm around him because I know how completely he accepts me and how he is doing things to further connect with me. I feel that prioritizing connection and acceptance over what looks and feels good causes us to prioritize our relationship without putting sex as the foundation. And in turn it takes the pressure off of both of us so that we can express ourselves more authentically, sexually or otherwise. 

On 9/5/2021 at 5:13 PM, soos_mite_ah said:

Mutual Attraction: Sounds Fake But Okay? 

Honestly, it's really difficult for me to have any form of mutual attraction with someone. I think a lot of it has to do with my dating experiences so far. I'm glad that I recognized that I might have been biased by previous experiences because this isn't how I see it anymore. It's either I liked someone but they never had an ounce of feelings for me back or someone liked me and I made myself go on dates with them thinking I would end up liking them, but then I realize that the whole thing feels really forced. I don't think the problem for me is that I think that I'm unlikeable or that no one is going to see me in a desirable light and that I'm going to end up like the forever alone meme. My problem is that I can't imagine guys who I find attractive also finding me attractive. 

Part of me wishes that I liked people and had fleeting crushes more often. Because think of it this way, if you like 20 people in the span of 5 years, odds are at least one of them is probably going to like you back at least a little. That's like a 5% success rate. Doesn't seem too high or unreasonable of a success rate. However, lets say in a span of 5 years, you only like 2 people. Now if you want someone to like you back, you're basically asking for a 50% success rate which is pretty high. There is a good chance that neither of them are going to like you. The odds aren't exactly in your favor. And unfortunately, the later situation is my situation. 

I have tried to put aside first impressions and go on dates with guys who seem like decent people but I don't yet feel attracted to them. I figured that I shouldn't go with my gut reactions as far as romantic and physical attraction goes (that doesn't mean I ignore my gut reactions when red flags are concerned) and instead I should give people a chance before jumping to conclusions. And as result I began dating guys that clearly liked me but I had no feelings for. I will be honest, this is how my current relationship started and I think part of it has to do with me needing to warm up to someone and have an emotional connection before feeling attracted to them. I do think that I might be demisexual but generally speaking, I think its fine if I personally don't have that strong initial attraction so long as when I see someone I'm like *huh, he's kind of cute*, I'm not repulsed when he kisses me, and our interactions don't feel forced. I tried to get myself to like them but again, the whole thing felt forced. Not only did it feel forced, but it felt really icky from my view for both sides. From his end, it's kind of messed up that a girl who isn't fully into him is just going on dates with him to pass the time. He deserves to be with someone who is genuinely into him in the same way he is into her. From my end, it's messed up that I'm settling for a guy who if I'm going to be honest, don't really like, and leading him on. It's a lose lose situation and when I realized that, I decided to be upfront with the guy and I told him that I don't think it's going to work out. 

And I don't think going out of your way to "get someone to like you" is the answer either. Because if you feel the need to change yourself or hide parts of yourself to get someone to like you, it's because they never liked you in the first place. And why would you bend over backwards and play all of these games for someone who doesn't value you in that way? It doesn't seem like a dignified or confident move and instead reeks of people pleasing. I still stand by this paragraph and I think this is why my relationship with U is healthy because at no point were we trying to impress one another rather we were being ourselves and showing affection, not as a way to strategize ourselves into a relationship, but because it was reflective of how we actually felt about one another.

This is going to sound so fucking cliche and I'm rolling my eyes as I'm writing this but... I honestly think that the best strategy is to be more self aware and work through your limiting beliefs, find a crowd of people you actually resonate when you're being your authentic self (whether that means going to places with people of similar interests or whatever), keep working on other areas of your life instead of ruminating on your insecurities, and not lose faith or internalize your past experiences.  There really isn't a short cut to authentic connection to people. No amount of cold approaches, altering your mannerisms or way of presenting, no amount of quick fixes is going to help. I think I always got most of that. I spend a lot of time working on myself and focussing on other areas of my life. But sometimes it does get difficult to not internalize things especially when you're in an environment that doesn't socially resonate with you. I had to redefine what it means to be socially competent and look at the factors at play when it  comes to clicking with someone. I really just feel like if I'm going to have luck making friends or dating in a way that doesn't feel forced and in a way where I feel like I can really be myself, I need to get myself to a place where I find more like minded people (and more specifically places where there are more like minded guys). Still stand by all of this and the fact that I met my boyfriend through common friends reinforces this. 

 Although I did say that it's messed up for me to settle for a guy who I'm not even into and even though consciously I believe that I do deserve to date guys who I'm into, subconsciously, I think my brain says otherwise. Like every time I see a guy who I actually find attractive nowadays, there is a part of my  lizard brain that kicks in and is like "lets be real he probably won't want to have anything to do with you. At best he doesn't think you exist or notice you at all and at worst he thinks you're fucking ugly." That lizard brain genuinely thinks that I'm inherently undesirable and that I don't deserve to have nice experiences. And a couple times I have tried to ask this lizard brain as to why it thinks that way and what exactly about me is undesirable and the lizard brain is just sitting there like  ¯\_(ツ)_/¯. Tbh, I think a lot of this knee jerk reaction has to do with past experiences mixed with societal conditioning which I have journaled about a lot in previous posts.   I think I still have some limitting beliefs that I'm working through but I wouldn't say that I have the same kneejerk reaction to think this way now that I have been exposed to be desired in a healthy, safe, and respectful context. I would do a similar analysis of part 2 of this series but I feel like the previous sentence pretty much summarizes what I had to say about the second part and I'd rather not get too repetitive. 

I'm probably going to do another post on the lizard brain because this is getting long. 

 

Honestly, now looking back at thse posts, my initial thought is *damn I was really asking for reasonable bare minimum things thinking they were the absolute most.* While at first glance it feels like I'm romanticizing the bare minimum, I think it is also motivated by how porn depicts sex inaccurately (i.e. prioritizing penetration above all else) and various horrar stories I have heard of how people treat others in casual sex or hookups. For example, I get not wanting to get attached while hooking up and wanting to have some boundaries but not kissing during sex or not paying attention to foreplay is just a recipe for having bad sex. Like, if you need to have bad sex in order to not get attached to someone, maybe casual sex isn't for you lol. And I think you can still do aftercare without it being romantic. Like some people really try to do the whole friends with benefits thing without the friends part and its weird lol. I feel like that's just curtosy so that the other person doesn't feel totally used. But then again, I have no experience in casual sexual encounters so there is only so much I can say.  I think my thoughts can be summarized in this post I did on casual sex that I still stand by (especially this quote):

On 9/29/2021 at 0:16 PM, soos_mite_ah said:

Which then brings me to women. A lot of women are perfectly at peace with having no strings attached sex. We just want to have some basic human decency, know you aren't a psychopath, and know that we are safe and it wouldn't be awkward. And in order to do that there needs to be some basic social and emotional connection. Even if I were to do something that's no strings attached, I'm not going to just go home with someone with a total stranger in most cases. Because not only is it dangerous, but there isn't that amount of context that was built up and it can be awkward. And the irritating thing is that guys will look at this and assume that we're super emotional/ clingy/ easily attached when really we're just asking for the bare minimum for attraction. 

 

 

I honestly think that the post directly above is probably the saddest that I've read in this journal. I don't think I was super sad when I wrote this out but I think it's sad looking back because of my current relationship. I don't doubt one bit where I stand in this relationship and to what extent I am a priority. I feel so secure and so cared for around U that I think it's disheartening that there was any point in time I thought something like this would be out of reach for me platonically or otherwise. The same goes for this post: 

 

 

As for the post directly above, while I still resonate with much of the contents of this post, such as stalking people's social media, taking pictures without their consent, and hitting on a boss or teacher as things that are really creepy, I also feel like I swang too far in the other direction and saw normal behaviors around thinking about your crush constantly as obsessive. I know where my head was at the time I was writing this post and I feel that I was in a place where I thought my expression of desire was creepy because I wasn't a desirable person and people didn't want that from me. I feel like a lot of people can fall into the trap of over thinking and assuming that they are creepy and weird just because they don't think they are wanted/attractive. Don't get me wrong, it's important to be vigilant of that and to back off when the other person is uncomfortable because that's just common curtosy, but you're not creepy just for having desires. You're creepy if having desires manifests in a way that suggests that you don't respect the other person or see them as human. 

[soos_mite_ah]

Looking Back at Previous Posts Part 3: Theory vs Practice

I feel like before when I basically had no physical experience (I wrote the majority of the journal prior to having my first kiss) I had a certain idea of what I might like physically but I didn't have evidence to back that up. There are some things that I was spot on with my self reflection and somethings I missed on. 

There was a series of posts I did reflecting on the different sides of my sexuality in the form of seasons. I'm only linking the first post of the series here and if anyone is interested, they can just keep scrolling down. I'm just doing that because I don't feel like linking 4 posts in a row.  Basically, I feel like this series is pretty spot on with characterizing my sexuality and I feel like I embrace 3/4 around U. I feel like I don't embrace fall as much because I'm still getting used to all of this and I'm not ready to be super experiemental. I basically feel like this Tiktok audio: 

I still stand by everything that I said in this post and I feel like being with my current boyfriend gave me a more healthy and realistic view on things. I also feel that it is posts like this opening me up to reflect on things helped me communicate with my partner better not only when it comes to  articulating my thoughts and boundaries but also when starting certain conversations to begin with. I also think that I'm more vanilla than I thought previously because now I am testing things out and you know what, some basic things do just feel good and you don't need to do a lot of things over the top to have a good time if you don't want to. 

On 8/15/2021 at 1:09 AM, soos_mite_ah said:

Wax Play 

....

I want to try this. I still mainly see this as a sensual thing rather than a sexual one. I can imagine it feeling nice but I don't see myself getting off to it at all. Hot wax feels nice but it just isn't sexy to me especially when you take clean up into consideration. I mean, I went almost a decade not connecting sex and candle wax together until someone explained that it was in fact a thing. Basically, I look at this and I'm like *hmmm... interesting.*

I feel the same way about wax play as when I wrote this post and I still want to try it. I'm bringing this up because there is attitude of *i might not get off to this but the sensation might be nice* and I feel like that's my general attitude when it comes to trying a lot of new things. I feel like a lot of the "kinks" I thought I had were more like things I want to try and less of a thing that I feel like I need to incorporate regularly when doing anything sexual.  Generally speaking, after having more experience, sex really doesn't feel like that big of a deal, even on a sensual level. I enjoy using it as a tool to connect to people but it's just that, a tool and it definitely isn't the only tool.

I still stand by most of what I said on this post but to add onto it, I think I over estimated how sexy and sexual any stimulation on the neck is. It is nice, but I have discovered that I'm really ticklish and a lot of times I feel like turning into a giggly mess and treating this as something more light hearted than steamy. But it's fine. I'm still enjoying myself lol, Just not in the way that I expected. 

 

I think that this and the threesome thing, while it is still appealling, are things that I think I overestimated how much I would be into. That's not to say that I have tried these things and I know for sure but for me personally, I think part of the reason why I was into both of those things is because of a sense of vulnerability and sexual abundance. When it comes to vulnerability, I feel like that was the basis of a lot of my fantasies because I didn't have much experience and it was a reflection of how I felt about myself sexually since I didn't know how I would act or react. Now since I have a better idea about what I like and because the relationship I have is very secure with good communication, I don't put as much as much of an emphasis on vulnerability because a lot of things related to relationships do not feel vulnerable anymore since I have experienced them in a healthy way. As far as sexual abundance goes, again because of a lack of experience, I think I put sex on a bit of a pedestal because it felt like something that was out of reach, that it was something other people did, and that it was like a fake inside joke I wasn't really a part of. Eventhough I'm still a virgin, sex doesn't feel out of reach anymore and I think that alone helped me deal with a lot of issues I had regarding desireability. 

 

 

I stand by everything in the posts above and I can confidently say that I popped off on these posts. I feel like my current relationship aligns with these posts and I think it's the reason why we set up a very strong foundation early on when dating. 

Edited December 28, 2022 by soos_mite_ah

[soos_mite_ah]

Looking Back at Previous Posts Part 4: Main Take Aways 

I'm just doing a TLDR of my last 3 posts so that I can summarize this series and wrap it up with a nice bow. 

1. I'm not as horny as I thought I was and my sex drive is lower than expected. I just felt repressed physically and emotionally because my sexuality existed in a vaccum
2. I am capable of being in a relationship even if I don't have my shit 100% put together so long as I am taking accountibility, communicating, doing the work, and being self aware. If anything, there is a lot of growth and healing that can be done in a healthy dynamic, platonic or otherwise. Doing this is a skill and it's not like you're stagnating by putting more time into your relationships platonic or otherwise. 
3. My standards (specifically related to consent, having respectful/ caring encounters, and what I thought made a solid relationship) back then were  not me asking too much. I'm glad I had them and I'm glad I waited as long to get into a relationship even though it was hard. 
4. My fantasies do not have the same element of nervousness and vulnerability as before both because I feel more confident in myself for having a bit more experince since it doesn't feel like I'm jumping into the unknown anymore, and because my partner is very accepting and respectful to where I don't have an ounce of self-doubt around him. 
5. I was able to scratch a lot of itches and confirm a lot of things to myself when it comes to my perception of my desirability in the last few months. It's also been nice to be able to express myself in a romantic and sexual context and I feel like I have learned a lot about myself. 
6. I still have my fair of insecurities and I still feel the need to be careful around certain situations but they don't interfere as much with the perception I have regarding my ability to attain the experiences I desire. Mutual attraction is a thing and 100% possible even if I personally don't find myself attractive. 
7. I'm probably not as kinky as I thought I was. A lot of things seem fun to try but it isn't required for my pleasure or sexual fulfillment. And just in general, I don't think I'm the type of person who needs a robust or extensive sex life in or out of a relationship to be fulfilled. I know for some people sex is an important part of connecting with people, they have high sex drives, and they have more needs, but I don't think I'm one of those people. 

[soos_mite_ah]

Overturning Roe v. Wade 

I know I'm pretty late to the party when talking about this but I feel like this is the biggest factor affecting my sexuality in the present moment. Despite dating my current boyfriend for like 8 months now, we've never had sex and honestly, I don't feel comfortable in doing so because of the risk of pregnancy regardless of how respectful and comfortable he makes me feel. I made this relationship official and like a week later, Roe v. Wade got over turned and the universe took one look at me and was like *no dick for you.* Don't get me wrong, even if it wasn't over turned we would be using condoms and I am on birth control, but having that access to abortion gave me the peace of mind that if something went wrong, I could deal with that situation. And I know that plan B is less affective if you're over a certain body weight so that isn't a solid back up. I'm thankful that my boyfriend is understanding about this and honestly, I wouldn't be with him if he wasn't going to respect my boundaries. We've basically have done everything except penetration and even though he is understanding about my anxieties around this and continously reminds me that I shouldn't do anything that makes me feel unsafe and uncomfortable, I do catch myself just feelling frustrated with this entire situation. I feel like it restricts my ability to express myself and connect and it's frustrating that I would probably have to go through the hassel of moving and basically starting my life over just to feel more secure in myself in this area of life. I do eventually see myself moving out of Texas but not for a hot minute since I am trying to save up and build the relationships I have right here. 

I also had a friend who had to get an abortion and flew out to Georgia from Texas to get one, two days before Roe v. Wade got overturned. That whole story was very difficult to listen to given the problems she faced, the trauma from being forced to listen to the heart beat before hand, keeping all of this a secret from her pro-life family and not being able to turn to her own mother for support, and dealing with the protests. And besides wanting to be there for my friend and everything she went through, ngl that whole experience puts me off of sex even more. Getting pregnant is one of the really big fears I have in my life in general, especially getting pregnant in my 20s. Everything surrounding getting pregnant, especially getting pregnant in Texas, screams *my life is ending* for me. I don't know if I ever want to be a mother but if I make that decision, I don't want that life transition to be premature in any way from having a stable and loving marriage and having a hefty savings and a good job, to mentally having broken all of the generational curses in my family and feeling so fulfilled that I can give my life up and start a new one. There is so many things that I want to try and experience while I am young and not with a child. And if that is a decision that I make, I want to be in a position where I have experienced all of those things, grown from them, and then pour that into my child so that I am coming into motherhood in a fulfilled and actualized place and I can give my child a mother and a life they deserve. Having a child before I am ready is like a death sentence for me and the kid who would have deserved so much better. 

[soos_mite_ah]

How Body Image Impacts My Sexuality 

I feel like my  body image affected my sexuality more in terms of my own perceptions of my desirablity in the past because of issues that I detailed out in previous posts. I still feel that there is some effect in the way that being in this current relationship just feels like I've been hit by fluke luck and that I won't be able to get with people I find attractive from the get go. Don't get me wrong, I am attracted to my boyfriend and I thought he was cute from the time we first met but it's an attraction that had to grow as our relationship progressed. I don't recommend dating people you aren't attracted to hoping you will find them attractive, but it is something that worked out for me because I was questioning my sexuality at the time. I guess what I'm trying to say is that I get intimidated by people who I physically is my type or that I perceive to be more conventionally attractive. And I thought this was ridiculous then and I think it is even more ridiculous now because I know what it looks like to be desired respectfully.  

Also, I feel that since being with U, I feel so self assured in the whole situation to where my body image isn't really what I think about because there are other things to focus on lol. And U has done a lot to where I don't feel any doubt when I'm around him. Sure I don't feel like I'm beautiful to myself but I know he does and even though I don't get his tastes, I'm not going to over think it too much and just go with it.  Again, it goes back to the whole *I don't see it but I'm glad you're having a good time* and that just helps me get more to a place of neutrality with my body. 

This is a bit of a tangent but there are moments in this relationship where I think about the quality of my partner and how that helps with a lot of personal issues from bleeding into the relationship. For example, I am generally a secure person attachment style wise but every now and then I do get a sense of an anxious attachment style come over me. But I don't have that with him because we both created such a secure dynamic where we regularly show appreciation for each other and I don't have a doubt in my mind about where I stand with the relationship. Or sometimes, personal stuff comes up and we're both able to support each other logistically and emotionally while still maintaining boundaries so we never feel like we're over exerting ourselves for each other and we feel comfortable in being vulnerable with one another. And as far as my body image issues go, I am far from feeling comfortable in my body and liking how I look but at the very least, when I'm with him, I don't have a single doubt of how I am perceived nor am I worried about what I look like in different angles and the such. While I'm far from being a perfect person, I think having a good partner can go a long way and smooth over a lot of things which is why I don't regret being picky at all.