The Female Gaze

185 posts in this topic

Neck and Shoulders 

Personally, I'm really into any amount of stimulation in the neck/shoulder region. That area is just really sensitive for me. Like a guy who I'm interested in can whisper in my ears and I would immediately get goose bumps. Just the feeling of someone being that close to you in an area that you're sensitive at and having their breath fall softly is enough to override whether or not what he said was in reality stupid. 

Neck kisses, sucking on someone's neck, leaving marks etc. goes without mentioning. It's too obvious. 

Massages are also really nice. I'm pretty sure I mentioned before on how whenever I wake up with back or shoulder pain, it just naturally leads to horniness because of how I begin imagining being massaged and then having that escalate. I do enjoy the idea of being massaged but also giving a massage to someone I'm interested in. When it comes to the whole thing with the 5 love languages, I very much express my feelings through acts of service. And giving a massage, having someone relax into the experience, and taking away that tenseness and stress from someone is an idea that is appealing to me. 

When it comes to clothing, I actually feel the sexiest wearing something that is off the shoulder. I always feel kind of silly for admitting this because of the way that the U.S. school system moralizes against bare shoulders and claim that it will distract the boys when in reality guys don't care about shoulders. Honestly, I don't find other people's shoulders to be attractive, just mine. For me, there is something that is vulnerable and freeing about just having one of the most sensitive parts of your body just out in the open for easy access lol. There is a sensuality to it as well. Personally, I like tracing my fingers around the upper part of my chest/ collarbone area and sometimes give myself a quick neck massage for a few seconds. Also, another reason why I like it is because of how subtle it is. No one notices and it almost feels sneaky and exposed at the same time. It's the feeling of hiding in plain sight. I also feel like things like off the shoulder neck lines or anything that exposes the collar bone, shoulders, and a little bit of the top of the chest (not so much to where you get cleavage), has a graceful look to it as well idk why. And best of all, from a practical non sexy point of view, I have an excuse to not wear a bra which I'm always excited about because bras are uncomfortable and annoying. So then you get that added level of comfort physically which for me makes me feel more relaxed and as a result more confident. 

I have also talked about the whole necklace and Adam's apple thing in a previous post:

On 7/28/2021 at 2:45 PM, soos_mite_ah said:

Physical Things I Find Attractive 

Sexual Attraction: 


This definitely falls under sexual attraction for me. It doesn't have to be a lot of necklaces (I feel like it can be over done), but I think just a couple is enough for me. I like it because I feel like it draws attention towards a man's chest. [EDIT: To add to this as far as necks are concerned, whenever I see necklaces on a guy I like, I start thinking of either playing with the necklaces or gently biting and tugging them]

Adams Apples 

I think this is because my own neck and shoulders are really sensitive and because this is a sign of masculinity. I feel like this is a little weird but it is what it is lol. 

And I think something that is also important to the neck thing with guys is that even though I am into it, it's not like I sexualize it. Like I'm not here internally losing my mind whenever a guy has his neck exposed lol. I think whether something is sexual or whether something is sexualized is greatly dependent on context and the situation you're in. It isn't so much about the body part itself rather it's what you can do in the appropriate context. I'm planning on doing a whole post as to why a lot of women find hands attractive and how that is related to the female gaze and how it's a good example of seeing something as sexual but not necessarily sexualized but I don't want to get side tracked so enjoy the preview with the neck example. 

But anyways, carrying on. I also find ties attractive. Romantically, I can just think of scenarios of playfully pulling someone closer to me using their tie. I also think it's really cute and romantic to fix someone's tie in the morning as yall are getting ready. I think it plays into the whole thing with acts of service being my main love languages. And also, just looking up into someone's eyes while doing it is also really cute. This is one of those mundane things that I like lol. Sexually, sometimes I get an intrusive thought from my reptile brain that is along the lines of *aww how cute, he comes with his own leash* to which my conscious mind responds with *BITCH WHAT!?!?!??!*

 bitch what.png

I think similar to the whole shoulder thing, there is that subtlety that's there because I'm pretty sure most people don't subconsciously associate ties with leashes lol. 

I also like someone grabbing my neck and pressing on it a little. Not so much to where they are choking me but to the point where there is some type of stimulation.

Just people touching my neck and shoulders in general is a turn on and it takes a certain degree of trust for me to let people do that to me. Because I'm really sensitive there (not even sexually, just in general), I have a reflex whenever someone tries to touch me there even if it isn't anything sexual. One time I had someone jokingly try to poke my neck and I almost smacked her. I remember another time, this is actually a really weird occurrence but when I was 7 or 8, I had a really bad sore throat and I had this doctor grab my neck to see if anything hurt. I remember making a face and trying to repress my initial reaction to smack him. I gave a weird look to both of my parents which basically said *wtf is happening* because even the sensation felt really weird especially since I don't know this person and I can't really talk because of my sore throat. The doctor saw me making this face and started laughing and said something along the lines of "oh, she's not liking this at all. Dad, be careful when she becomes a teenager and starts getting into boys and they start getting handsy."  And even at that age, even though I didn't understand everything, I had this gut reaction of "dude wtf?!?!?!" Now that I'm older, I just sometimes catch myself thinking about that situation and how fucking weird it was. Like.... I was literally in elementary school tf!?!?!??! Why would you say that about a literal child IN FRONT OF HER PARENTS AND JOKE ABOUT IT!!!! LIKE HUH?!?!?!? That's just so sus in so many level omfg. And the worst part about this is that neither of my parents stood up and just awkwardly laughed with this guy. 

But yeah.... in conclusion, I like things that have to do with necks but if someone I don't know too well or I'm not comfortable around tries get too ahead and starts messing with my neck, this person will probably get smacked or punched in the face. 

I have faith in the person I am becoming xD

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I Just Had a Realization

I don't necessarily have a praise kink. Specifically, I have a reassurance kink. I don't think I had this pre pandemic. I think the emotional neglect and the gaslighting I experienced while living with my parents during this time caused me to develop this......

Like I know that I would romanticize the notion of someone actually being emotionally there for me, but it hasn't gotten sexual until recently. But then again, it could also be the birth control fucking with my head. 

*sigh* aren't I just a bundle of joy. I didn't come out of this in one piece. As I said in a different journal:  

On 8/18/2021 at 1:37 AM, soos_mite_ah said:

This pandemic gave me a new flavor of crazy. Honestly the only things holding me together is manifestation, a bunch of shiny ass rocks, and using astrology as coping mechanism so that my life feels like it has a sense of predictability. I let myself believe in these things because it helps me sleep at night but I know that it isn't necessarily rooted in truth and that I'm going to have wean off of this later lol.  

I have faith in the person I am becoming xD

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My Body Image Issues as of Right Now 

I feel like my body image has been taking a dip for the last couple of weeks. I have wrote about this and the broader implications of my environment in a previous post: 

I've been going through a culture shock of sorts again because I've come back to school after a year and half or so. I would say that the initial shock has died down and so have my body image issues to a certain extent. The thing that messes things up though is the whole stomach thing. This might sound rather narcissistic but I honestly feel like I would be a 10 if I just had a flat stomach. It's. Just. That. One. Goddamn. Thing. 

I've been able to deal with all of my other body insecurities over the years but I swear to god that this one thing with my stomach won't fucking budge whether it is from a psychological/ self love stand point or it's from a exercise/ let me try to change myself stand point. This one issue with my body has caused me so much trouble both in terms of what I eat and how I see myself to where there is a part of me that REALLY wants to just get surgery and forget about this whole thing all together. I know that isn't super women's empowerment of me since attraction and our choices don't exist in a vacuum, but I do think it's empowering for me on a personal level as it pertains to my own emotional health. 

I guess with the stomach thing, I can forget about it for the most part but it's still always in the back of my head. But lately it's constantly been at the forefront of my mind because of how there is a part of me that feels swarmed. 

And because it's like a 100 °F everyday here at this time. Everyone is basically in crop tops and the shortest skirts or shorts they own. It's either that or like workout clothes. So because everyone has flat stomachs and are wearing crop tops, there is a part of me that feels kind of left out and unattractive because of my stomach. Also, because of how hot it is, I'm also just wearing things that are more on the revealing side purely for comfort reasons. I'm kind of glad that everyone else is also doing it so as a result I don't feel super singled out and over all the whole thing feels normalized but also a part of me can't help but feel that what I'm wearing looks very vulgar and sexualized on me, but perfectly normal on a skinny white girl. Like, I just feel really exposed  when I wear shit like this to class to where for the last couple days I've been wearing regular jeans despite sweating throughout the day.  There is a part of me that knows that I'm being judged on a different set of standards and that what I wear and do gets interpreted differently. 

I also went to go pick up some mail earlier today and there were two women in front of me while I was waiting in line. Both of them were wearing these really short shorts and a top that basically looked like a bra. But because like the top and the bottom were matching, I guess it did look like an outfit. But also, I started thinking of what it would be like if I walked out wearing the same thing and how it would probably look more like a swimsuit on me rather than something I could wear to and from class. Like, my tits and my ass would just be out. But on them, it didn't look like that because of how skinny they were. If anything, they almost looked put together. I say almost because I stood there questioning for a few seconds thinking something along the lines of *is it just me or... wtf* 

Basically, it was very much so a *is this a fit or are they just skinny and tall* moment.

But on the bright side, body image issues and sexualization aside, I think I'm doing pretty well when it comes to my relationship with food. I'm not binging or restricting. I'm honoring my natural hunger and fullness ques. I'm eating a decent amount of food. And, I'm proud of myself for that especially considering the environment I'm currently in, as well as my previous history with eating disorders, issues with family, and bad body image issues. I'm doing really well for myself all things considered and it's good that I'm in a position where I can be mindful of what I'm experiencing rather than giving into it. 

Edited by soos_mite_ah

I have faith in the person I am becoming xD

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Foreplay and Aftercare 

Something that I noticed about myself is that whenever I fantasize about sex, I put much more focus on foreplay and aftercare as opposed to  penetration. I think a number of factors are involved. One, as a woman, I know that most women don't get off to penetration alone. Like... there is a reason why straight women often find themselves searching up lesbian porn.  Two, as someone who used to identify as asexual, I tend to fall into the same thought pattern where the over all dynamic, setting, context, and build up is much more important. And three, penetration doesn't feel all that good for me. Don't get me wrong, it isn't unpleasant, but it isn't exactly something that I crave. I don't know if it's a context thing, if it's a physiological thing, or if it's my body just not being used to it. I did write about this in a previous post: 

There is also a quote I remember hearing a long ass time ago. I forgot where it's from but it was along the lines of "for men, sex is from the belt down while for women, sex is from the neck up." Idk why but I remember hearing that and being like *lol mood.* I guess it feels extra true to me because I'm mainly sensitive from the shoulders up.  I don't think it's applicable for everyone since it is a wide sweeping generalization but I do think there is some merit to it. I feel like things like setting and context is much more important to women since it takes us a minute to get turned on. But then again, the brain is one of the most important sex organs for both men and women. And also, I guess for me, sex is just as much psychological as it is physical.  

Things I think about more often then penetration include but aren't limited to: 

  • cuddling either after sex or leading up to it
  • sitting on his lap
  • having a nice bath or shower
  • massages
  • being held/ hugged in different positions before, during, and after sex
  • making out in general
  • being pinned down
  • the plot line/mood
  • having different parts of my body kissed and returning the favor
  • having someone run his fingers through my hair and vice versa
  • talking before and after sex
  • or really any situation that would make my face go red 

And I think especially with porn, all of those things are missing so as a result, I never got hooked on it and if anything I find porn boring af. I wrote about this in a previous post on how one of the problems with porn is not how it reveals too much rather it's how it doesn't reveal enough.  Not only is porn a shitty and unrealistic depiction of sex, it's also a shitty depiction of a lot of people's fantasizes. 

I have faith in the person I am becoming xD

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Am I Actually Horny or Am I Deprived of Human Connection? 

That's a question that I catch myself asking pretty often. The main reason I would say is because of how a lot of my constant emotional thirstiness started after I lost a large chunk of my friends and social circle so as a result I guess part of me felt this need to over compensate and dive into a romantic situation. Knowing this, I kind of promised myself that I'm going to rebuilt my overall social life before becoming involved with a guy. 

Another thing is how emotions and sex is so intertwined for me personally. Part of it has to do with being asexual in the past where I got into this thing of how sex is not something that I crave as an end in itself rather it's something that I wanted to use as a way to convey how I felt about someone. Also, I think the dynamics I often describe on here as a part of what I want is intertwined with this feeling of vulnerability and connection. 

I also find myself feeling less emotionally thirsty and touch starved after hanging out with other people or cuddling with someone even if everything was 100% platonic. 

But also, there is a part of me that just wants to go out there on impulse and get this whole thing over with. I still think about sex and intimacy waay too often. And it's to where I ask myself *well.... do I really need to know someone for a while because I'm kind of tired of waiting.* Like I don't know if this is impatience, desperation, or just my physical urges kicking in.  It's definitely been like a 1000x worse since I got on birth control and started questioning my sexual orientation. 

Sometimes I don't know how to answer this question. The factors just seem rather muddy and all over the place. I just end up confusing myself lol. 

I have faith in the person I am becoming xD

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Somethings I Want for My First Time 

I'm probably going to get a little sappy and cliche with this post so bear with me. 

Since I went so long without having any experience physically (straight up haven't even kissed anyone yet), I do to a degree hold it onto a pedestal. Now, it's not a pedestal in the *sex is a divine thing that I'm dying to experience* kind of way but in the sense of I do have some sentimentality attached to it. It's kind of like *well, I have waited this long, might as well have my first be something really nice and worthwhile.* And even though I'm frequently thirsty physically and emotionally, there is also a part of me that's really glad I'm waiting in the sense of *I have a 21 year streak of never kissing any frogs.*

This is the bare minimum but at the very least I want to share my firsts, whether that be my first kiss or my first time having sex, with someone I actually like. I've had opportunities to "get this over with" but it just never felt right and I was always kind of repulsed emotionally. Like I said in previous posts, I've never been on a date with a guy I was actually into. And it's not that I'm not capable of doing things with guys I'm not super into, it's just that I don't want my first time to be like that. I don't want mediocrity. Because from personal experience, a guy I'm not really into could literally grab my ass and I won't feel anything physically. But on the other hand,  a guy I'm into can literally talk about something I'm not interested in in the slightest and I will just melt. It's kind of like that one quote that's along the lines of how "you'll never be too much for someone who can't get enough of you." 

I also want it to be with someone that I'm really comfortable with and someone who has earned a lot of my trust. Because this is something that is personal to me and first often times can be intimidating. Also, firsts can be awkward af so I need someone who will understand that and still be comfortable / can joke about this instead of doubling down on the awkwardness. Finally, the other reason why I need that trust and level of comfort is because I need to feel emotionally safe to where I know this person would still accept me if I'm bad in bed, which lets be real, there is a VERY high chance that I'm TERRIBLE in bed. And I'm not even saying this to be self deprecating. Let's be real, how good could I possibly be if I haven't done anything, like at all. That's like expecting someone who never practiced piano to be amazing at it. Am I going to be bad in bed forever? Probably not. But I need someone who is going to be patient with me lmao. Honestly, like the previous paragraph, this is the bare minimum. 

I would also like some degree of commitment and exclusivity because I don't think I could emotionally cope with it being otherwise when I'm  just starting out. I think it would help me feel more emotionally safe and cared about. This might be treading on asking for too much but I want to be with a guy who sees value in my firsts. Not in a weird *I'm fetishizing your virginity because I have weird notions of sexual purity and a bunch of moralizations* way but more of a *hey it means a lot that this person feels safe enough with me to open up in this type of way and as a result this does feel special to me too.* 

And it's really fucking annoying that I want all of this but at the same time I'm longing for a relationship and I'm horny all the time. As much as I want to rush in and experience this, I know that if I do that, at the very least it wouldn't be something that is fulfilling and worst case scenario I would end up in situations I am not comfortable with or ready for. It's kind of like you're starving and you're waiting in a long ass line to a 5 star restaurant but you're also surrounded by fast food. You know that the meal at the restaurant is going to be amazing and even more so because you've been anticipating for this for so long but also, you're tired of waiting and you kind of want to settle for the fast food even though you know that it's going to mess  how you physically feel because the quality of food isn't that good at the fast food places. 


All that said, the only exception I would make to all of this is and that is if I ended up with the opportunity to lose my virginity in a threesome. I feel like that would just be a wild story and that I would basically get to experience a lot at once. Plus, it's not like this is an opportunity that would come by that often so I'd probably jump in the first chance I get unless I get some really obvious red flags or I'm repulsed by them. But again, this is probably a 1:10000 kind of chance but it's still an idea that is fun to entertain. 

Bottom line, I want my first time to be pleasurable whether that means that it's with someone I really care about and took time with building a connection or if it's a spontaneous hedonistic decision to jump into bed with more than one person. I don't think I'm asking for too much when I say that I want a pleasurable experience. 

I have faith in the person I am becoming xD

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Side note/// Just Felt the Need to Say This 

If I ever say anything that is misguided, misinformed, or just plain offensive, please let me know. I'm trying to educate myself and become more aware on how I think about things and what implications they have. Like, even it it's just an undertone. 

I have faith in the person I am becoming xD

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Honestly WTF was that?!?!?!?!

I went on two dates with two different guys this week and I don't know how to feel about either situation. I would say I hate it here but I'm more confused than anything. I need more data lol. 

I'm going to write about those experiences in the next couple days. I'm just posting this a preview and a sticky note for myself. 

I have faith in the person I am becoming xD

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Using Your Love Languages for Self Care 

So I had a really long week this week. I had a paper, 2 doctors appointments, a test, and 3 meetings with my professors. In addition to that, I actually made myself be somewhat social in order meet more people and I also on top of that went on 2 dates. I really don't want to do any work or talk to a single soul for the next few days until Monday rolls around and I would have to get back on my bs. 

Which is why I think it's very applicable for me to talk about I use my love languages for self care. 

I found a bunch of posts circulating around and I thought they were pretty interesting, especially on how my self care rituals match up. 

I took the whole love languages quiz a long time ago and my highest score was tied for physical touch and quality time. Words of affirmation was second. Acts of service was third. And I barely scored anything for receiving gifts.


As for how that coincides with the way I engage with self care, I do see parallels. For both physical touch and quality time, I find that the things listed on this graphic applies to me and are things that I naturally gravitate towards. Something that is making me happy from a self care perspective is this pillow I bought a couple weeks ago. It's this round soft, but also really squishy pillow that looks like a fox. Not only is it comfortable to sleep on but it's also so nice to hug and cuddle. I normally hate stuffed animals because they are annoying to sleep with and create too much clutter but this thing is much closer to a pillow which is why I really like it. It's more of an adorable pillow than a stuffed animal. I feel like I just upgraded the side pillow I normally sleep with. 

I also bought a shit ton of candles. I stg, candles have been one of the few things keeping me together for the last year or so. I think when it comes to having physical touch as our love language, it isn't just touch rather it's sensual experiences in general. With candles, I love the lighting, the warmth, and the smell that comes with it. Speaking of smells, I also like taking a shower and then massaging on some lotion that smells really nice. That always makes me feel at peace.   

When it comes to quality time, because it is one of the ways that I take care of myself, there are some things that other people find difficult but it comes really easily to me. I never really had to try to establish a meditation/ contemplation habit, it kind of just happened because that's how I relax anyway. It doesn't feel like a chore. I also really enjoy taking myself on dates, which is honestly a fancy way of saying doing shit by yourself. I like taking myself out to dinner by myself, going to new places on myself, going on walks alone at night (I know this one sounds kind of weird since I'm a girl but I guess I always rationalized it with the fact that if I were to die violently and/or get raped, it most likely going to be in the hands of someone I know rather than a stranger in a back alley way. Of course I still use common sense though), going to the movies by myself, and finally, my favorite, going to coffee shops and writing on my own. 

Whenever I tell people about the amount of shit I do by myself, they always tell me on how independent and self assured I am. I get why. I feel that especially for women, a lot of women don't know how to be by themselves in their own company because of the way that society tells us that we have to be in a relationship or have a group of friends. Basically, it's this notion that you're not enough or you're some type of loser when you're by yourself. Honestly, I did go through a little bit of that phase initially (but then again, a lot of it also had to do with other issues going on in my life) but then I noticed how freeing and peaceful doing things on your own is. At this point, since it's a self care thing, it doesn't (nor did it ever) feel like this girl boss power move. For me there is more of an emphasis on feeling peaceful and feeling connected to myself rather than how independent and self assured I am. 

Speaking of reconnecting to myself, journaling and self improvement feels like it goes along with quality time rather than words of affirmation for me.  For me it's more about taking the time to hear myself out and sort out my thought rather than expressing myself if that makes sense. When it comes to words of affirmation, I find that it's more something that depends on the situation rather than something that I always catch myself gravitating towards. I suppose when physical touch and quality time have been maxed out but just isn't cutting it, that's when my desire for words of affirmation comes in. Also, when it comes to words of affirmation, I do crave some sense of reassurance at times but it's not something that I like doing myself through things like positive self talk and self affirmations. Of course I do it, but there is this wound that this picks at in the process and that is the whole "I wish there was someone else there to help me because I'm tired of doing things by myself." I don't even care for words of affirmation from a partner or friends all that much since it isn't my primary love language like touch and quality time but again, it kicks in when the previous two have been exhausted. 

For acts of service, other than therapy, which honestly feels more like quality time because you are venting to someone, the other stuff feel like chores. They are chores that I don't mind doing and I feel better with my life when I do them but they still feel like tasks nonetheless. However, sometimes I do get into the flow of things when it comes to things like cleaning, organizing and scheduling, and that's when it really starts to feel like self care. 

 Finally, when it comes to receiving gifts, I've never felt like I was "treating myself" when I do spend money buying myself things. I mainly do things out of necessity. The only time that I do enjoy giving myself little gifts is when they coincide with something in the physical touch category in the sense they are something along the lines of candles, lotion, or soap. Really anything you would find at bath and body works is fair game. I guess the only exception is how sometimes I get myself flowers because I really like florals.  As for dating, now that I think about it, I rarely  fantasize about a guy spoiling me materialistically. I guess the closest I got is imagining a guy paying for my college tuition but that fantasy isn't really a romantic thing. It's just me wanting to get  an education without worrying about debt thing. 

While I don't really resonate with receiving gifts as a love language, I do want to speak in defense of it. People often assume that this isn't really a love language rather it is people being shallow and materialistic at face value. I think rather than the gift itself, it's more about how intentional and how thought out the gift was. In other words, for someone whose love language is receiving gifts, instead of getting something rather generic and expensive  like jewelry, something like a scrapbook that you took the time to make along with their favorite snacks would be much nicer.  

I have faith in the person I am becoming xD

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On 9/17/2021 at 6:02 PM, soos_mite_ah said:

Honestly WTF was that?!?!?!?!

I went on two dates with two different guys this week and I don't know how to feel about either situation. I would say I hate it here but I'm more confused than anything. I need more data lol. 

I'm going to write about those experiences in the next couple days. I'm just posting this a preview and a sticky note for myself. 

Hey! It's been a minute since I've posted here. It's also been a minute since I've been on these dates so I think I have enough clarity to talk about it and have my writing be coherent. 

Guy #1 Date 1: Went on this date on 9/7. I saw his profile on tinder and it was someone I had a couple classes with him before. We also go to the same college. When I met up for him during lunch, I will say that it felt considerable less awkward compared to if I were to date a total stranger. We had a couple of shared experience and there was already a background context to the interaction. I know with dates with complete strangers, it can be awkward since it's like you're meeting them from the void for a lack of better way of putting it. I wrote more about this in a post in another journal a while ago: 

Since I already know this guy, I also know that we have similar values and standings when it comes to political/social issues. So that helped me let loose a little bit since I know he isn't a walking racist, sexist, homophobic red flag. Prior to the date I let him know that I was looking for something short term but committed and that I'm trying to socially branch out more. He was pretty understanding and mentioned that one of the main reasons he swiped right on me was because he saw a familiar face and wanted to reconnect. And as a result, he basically was like that whether this turns into something romantic or it remains platonic, that he's ok either way and that there is no pressure to force anything. 

He was kind of squirrely, nervous, and self deprecating during the date. He also did overshare about some things going on in his life. The self deprecation was basically him awkwardly laughing at his short comings. Now, I do think that laughing at your short comings can be a good way of humbly dealing with them. But there is just a different vibe when you laugh about a flaw that you totally accept in yourself vs awkwardly laughing so that you don't look self pitying.  I offered an empathetic ear but although I feel like I connected to him intellectually, I didn't feel like I connected to him emotionally. Also, the dynamic wasn't working for me, nor was it something I am looking for. I think it would also feel rather forced if I were to make this into something romantic. I wouldn't mind hanging out with him again. We've both been pretty busy with midterms for the last couple weeks (hence why I haven't been writing as much as I normally do). 

Guy #2 Date 1: Ok so this guy was WEIRD. And honestly, I don't think I was much better lol. First of all, we agreed to meet at this coffeeshop. My dumb ass gave him the wrong address so the poor guy ended up running around. So right off the bat I was just really nervous because I felt rather disrespectful of his time. I felt terrible and I just paid for dinner to make it up to him. After all, I was the one who initiated the plans in the first place so I just figured that was more fair. 

He wasn't awkward in the traditional super quiet, not being able to hold conversations, stuttering kind of way. If anything, I would say he was the opposite which I guess let to me feel confused after the date. He had this weird way of holding a conversation. This guy was basically like "ok so I'll ask a few questions and then you'll do the same." I was sitting there like *um.. ok haha.* He would ask me a few questions and the conversation would be going and then he would be like "now it's your turn to aske me 4 questions." He did that a couple of times and in those times my head would just go blank. The whole thing felt rather rigid and didn't have a natural flow. And even when I asked questions, honestly I couldn't pay attention to what he was saying because in my mind I was like *shit I need to come up with 3 more questions, think soos_mite_ah, think!*

Also, this guy kept telling me "hey you can ask me anything, nothing is off the table." I think this was his way of trying to make the conversation more sexual and I say this because a few minutes after telling me this, he asked me about my first kiss and then next thing I know this man started talking about what losing his virginity was like. The story was concerning. It didn't really sound super consensual in the sense that he kind of went along with having sex despite not feeling comfortable in order to not spare the woman's feelings. And he played this off like it was something funny... Like, no buddy.. that sounds rather traumatic.  Like idk, if laughing things off is his way of coping but I guess the way he framed this story showed a lack of self awareness. I'm aware that it's a thing where guys are expected to want it all the time and that saying no is like a blow to their masculinity so I was sitting there wondering if that applied here. 

Anyway, the date ended and he kissed me. I mean, I was alright with it but then he just put his tongue in my mouth with no warning. The whole experience was just BLEGH. I wish he checked in and asked if I wanted to go further. It happened faster than I was able to say anything. I felt like this was something that was being done to me rather than something that I was actively participating in. I pulled away a couple times and he pulled me back in both times. Then I was like *hey I really got to go.* He asked me if I wanted to go back to his place to which I said "no, I have an 8am class tomorrow morning." I was not about to go into a stranger's car and go to his place. I just met him and I don't know how I feel about this yet. This is my first time meeting him in person and prior to that we've been talking online for a couple days. I don't know this man. He is a total stranger. 

Then I walked back home and I started venting to my roommate about this situation. I also didn't want to get into his car because I wanted to walk home by myself to try to make sense of this situation. The date felt awkward but not in the traditional way of being awkward. At the time I couldn't figure out which one of us were the awkward one. But also I did enjoy myself to a certain extent. Then again, first dates can be a little awkward. Also the whole kiss was a little weird imo. It could also be me starting off on the wrong foot because of my poor planning. Anyway, I decided that I was going to go on a second date with this guy to try to get more information about this dynamic. More on that in the next post. 

I have faith in the person I am becoming xD

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Guy #2 Date 2: Before I went on a second date with this guy, we did text a few times. It was just the usual *hey how has your day been.* I have mentioned a few times that my day has been rather busy and that I'm catching up with work to which he replied *aww let me focus/do your work/ do your paper for you. You can pay me back later with love and affection.* The first time he said that, I thought he was joking. The second time, I was like *huh I've seen this before.* The third time was when it felt weird. First of all, it's kind of odd to say the same shit over and over again. Second, I feel like this is something that you don't say to someone unless you get to know them better because it can come off as looking entitled, creepy, and just plain thirsty. Speaking of which, when I mentioned that I wasn't doing anything during the weekend as a way to recharge from the craziness of the prior week, he tried to invite me back to his place for a movie. I politely declined and told him that I simply don't have the energy and that I'm glad I spent my last bit with him in our previous date because it was energy well spent. But all  I could think of is *goddammit... he's one of those.*

My next thought was about a twitter thread I saw a couple months ago. It was a bunch of women making fun of how men don't pay attention to their safety like women do to the point where it's goes into the domain of stupidity. Like women are told not to wear pony tails, braids, or buns because it could get you snatched easily. You're told to carry pepper spray, tasers, and other weapons. You're told not to go out at night or only go out with other people. And there is so much more that we get told in order to protect our own safety. Meanwhile, you have men who apparently sleep without locking their doors at night. LIKE SIR WHAT? There was a joke in this thread on how guys would be so quick to have a total stranger come into their house. Like... do they not think that I might not rob them, stalk them, or kill them? Does that thought just not come in their mind? Gender aside, I'm a total stranger. For all he knows I could be a crazy bitch with a criminal record. 

A day before our second date, I felt this need to talk to him about our first kiss and just let him know that I wasn't really comfortable with what happened. I explained that I wasn't mad at him and that this is something to be more mindful of going forward. He then replied with *oh I thought you were giving an indication of wanting more.* I sat there thinking *no, I distinctly remember pulling away twice.* I just replied with something along the lines of *hey mistakes and miscommunication happens, lets just be more upfront going foward.* He said ok and apologized. I figured in the previous statement where he said he thought I wanted more that he was saying that to cover his ass because this can be awkward conversation and he didn't want to feel like he was in the wrong. I get it. And again, I wasn't upset with him. I figured it was a miscommunication thing. 

The second date rolled around. 90% of our conversation was just sarcasm. Like don't get me wrong, I don't mind sarcasm and I think sprinkling it in can make things fun but when the whole conversation is sarcasm, it can feel like a barrier to emotionally connecting with someone. The whole dynamic between me and him just felt really awkward. There is something that just wasn't clicking. Next thing I know, I'm in a position where I ended up listening to this guy talk about himself for 30 minutes straight. I can't even tell you what that monologue was about and looking back I find myself thinking *how can one person talk so much about himself and not say anything at all.* The whole thing felt bizarre. 

He also offered to have me come back to his place for the 3rd time and I told him straight up "look, I appreciate the offer but I'm not comfortable with going back because this is only the second time we met and we're still strangers." He was pretty understanding but tbh, from even before the first date to before the second date, this guy just exuded horniness. The whole thing with him felt as if he was really trying to rush into physical intimacy without taking the time of trying to get to know me or build up anything whether it be trust, a sexy dynamic, or a sense of comfort. 

When he went to the bathroom, I quickly texted my roommate to call me and say she's having an emergency so that I could have an excuse to flee the scene and gtfo. I wasn't having fun and the whole thing felt cringe. But on the bright side, at least I wasn't confused about my feelings toward him anymore. 

Anyway, I haven't heard from him since Tuesday. It's Saturday now. And honestly, thank god. But I still do think I need to be upfront and tell him that this isn't working since ghosting him would be really rude. 

Edited by soos_mite_ah

I have faith in the person I am becoming xD

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On 9/11/2021 at 4:30 PM, soos_mite_ah said:

Am I Actually Horny or Am I Deprived of Human Connection? 

And after the two dates with guy #2, I finally have my answer.  I'm not horny, I'm just deprived of human connection. Because when this guy kissed me, I didn't feel anything physically. The whole thing was unsatisfying and it wasn't because he was a bad kisser. It felt really hollow. The only thing I could think of while walking back home was BLEGH. My imagination and the plot lines I create before going to sleep does a better job at getting me off lol. I feel that if I were to sleep with someone before I was ready and before I feel connected to this person, the best case scenario would be unsatisfying and mediocre sex. As horny as I am, this situation just reinforced my desire to wait. 

I have faith in the person I am becoming xD

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Romanticizing the Past 

I touched on the whole old Hollywood thing on my post on smoking but I wanted to go into it more because I find myself being drawn to vintage things and I think a lot of vintage aesthetics are sexy. 

I think a lot of this probably has to do with how easy it is to romanticize the past. Especially now with how dystopian and unpredictable everything is, it's easy to be drawn to aesthetics that resemble the past as a way to look back at the good ol' days not because they were actually good but because we already know how the timeline played out. I also find it really interesting on how if you look at media from like the 50s to the 90s, you have this whole trope of what the future would look like. It was filled with visions of flying cars, robots, space travel for the common man, and a leisurely life style. In the 1950s specifically, a lot of diners would try to adopt this futuristic aesthetic by making their diners into weird shapes and by incorporating metallic accents into their design to make the diners look like space ships. 

1950s diner.png

Overall, there was an optimism towards the future. I remember watching this one video that was made in the 60s on what people back then thought the 90s would look like. Other than the prediction being WAAY off, there was one line that stuck out to me. It went something like "the people in the future are focused on what else the future has to offer. They are obsessed with what is to come." 

Fast forward to 2020 and it's pretty much the opposite. We're obsessed with the past. Most of the movies we have nowadays are remakes because the industry doesn't want to get creative and instead wants to play it safe by appealing to nostalgia. A lot of mainstream aesthetics and subcultures are geared towards the past. A lot of the depictions of the future seem pretty grim because of the pandemic and because of climate change and as a result, many of the portrayals of the future are dystopian (hell this was even the case pre-pandemic Hunger Games anyone?). I think the rise of thrifting has a role in this as well. People are broke, they want to buy second hand to avoid contributing to fast fashion if they can, and the aesthetics of the past are everywhere because a lot of us hate this current timeline. I could name all of the decades as aesthetics of their own that a lot of young people are drawn to but I think we can also include aesthetics like cottagecore and dark academia to the group as well.   

I also noticed that a lot of gay people tend to be drawn to these aesthetics as well. I remember I watched a video analyzing the cottagecore trend and why it's so popular with lesbians despite the fact that if people found out you were gay in the ye old days in the country that you'd be persecuted. A lot of it has to do with reimagining history in an alternate timeline of sorts where you get to enjoy that time period without thinking of the baggage that came with it. As for POC, I don't necessarily see a lot of them gravitating towards adopting vintage aesthetics but I don't see a lack of them either.

I personally find myself gravitating towards the 50s more. I think it has to do with a variety of factors. First of all, I feel like as far as body ideals and the fashion at the time, the silhouettes just work better for me. It helped me figure out exactly what kind of clothes look good on me and that definitely helped me in seeing myself as more attractive. I think it's also the hair and how my natural hair is wavy/curly but it isn't super coarse and defined. It matches up the longer hair styles that were popular at the time. 

As for actors and actresses, honestly all of the actors kind of blend together in my head. They all feel like the same basic white man. Probably wouldn't be able to pick them out in a line up. I might be able to recognize Desi Arnaz from I Love Lucy but that's because the mans is Cuban and has at least a drop of melanin to set him apart from the rest. My mind immediately goes to the women at the time. I feel like they ended up becoming more iconic in the end. I'm talking Elizabeth Taylor, Marilyn Monroe, Dorothy Dandridge, Rita Hayworth. Honestly, I'd simp for all of them. 

I don't think it has to do with defined gender roles and the emphasis on the masculine/feminine polarity though. Because honestly, I find women in masculine clothing in the 50s and before to be hot. 

But what I do think is the case is the economic stability at the time. Idk man, being able to support a family of four, buy a house, afford college, and decent health care under one income is sexy. Also, the fact that you could support yourself on minimum wage, and reasonably move out at 18 yeah that's kind of hot.  Granted racism and sexism would have stopped me and I wouldn't really get the idyllic version of the 50s. But I do think we should bring the 50s back as in lets have affordable housing, health care, education and have a minimum wage people could live off of. The rest of the 50s can choke. Also, let's bring back the fun aesthetics.  This reminds me of something that I wrote about coincidentally this time last year. 

I think the way that I'm drawn to vintage aesthetics and the way that I think its sexy also translates to how I'm drawn to Lana Del Rey's music. Not only does her music feel really nostalgic, but there is something thats there in her voice that is so fucking sexy and I can't really put my finger on it. Actually, scratch that, it's not just her voice but it's also the music because I will straight up listen to instrumental versions of her songs. 

Finally, I think it also has to do with how far off the 50s -70s seem. I don't really romanticize the 80s or 90s. I definitely don't romanticize the early 2000s despite it being a trend to do so (I've said it many times, the early 2000s is basically a meme in my head because I was around in that time and I'm very much aware on what kind of a train wreck that was). That time seems dark and dystopian (speaking as a person of color who sometimes gets creeped out by some of the media from back then) but also very idyllic at the same time. It's close enough to where it still feels relatable unlike the 40s and beyond (I mean, my dad was born in the 50s) but it's also far away enough to where it's not a meme. It's rustic because of how much time has passed but also ethereal because of how other worldly the time period feels. It feels very classic and in a way safe and predictable.

I wouldn't dare to go on and say that i WaS BOrn iN thE wrONg GEnerAtiON. I was born in the right generation. I can go on the internet, explore all of the decades with ease, and enjoy the aesthetics with slightly more human rights. I'll take that over being born in the previous decades any day.  My ass would have been locked up in a mental institution and I would have probably been coerced into getting a lobotomy  if I was around in the 50s. 

Edited by soos_mite_ah

I have faith in the person I am becoming xD

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Pole for the Soul 

I wanted to write about pole dancing for a hot minute and when I went to search it up on YouTube, one of the first things to come up on the search engine was "pole dancing for Jesus" and naturally I had to stop what I was going and check it out lmao. This is what I found. I also decided to steal the name as the title to my post because I liked the ring of it.

My favorites are The Resurrection (1:25) and The Last Supper (1:37)

Jokes aside but I've been drawn to pole dancing. Unfortunately I don't have the upper body strength to do much. But I'm genuinely interested in the idea of taking classes because it looks fun and I would get a work out. To me all of these look so strong, graceful, and sensual at the same time. I find myself gasping with shock whenever I watch the stunts that are in the videos I linked below. I'm just really amazed with the ways they pull this off physically because I could never lol. Honestly, it doesn't even seem inherently sexual to me (i guess it also depends on the context and the type of routine) rather it feels like a gymnastics routine. And I feel like this is where my inner child comes out because growing up I always wanted to do gymnastics but my parents never let me for some reason. 

I feel like realistically if I were to ever learn or do pole dancing, that would be something that's for the girls, the gays and the theys only. I feel like they would be less likely to be weird and gross about it compared to straight men (yes that includes my hypothetical boyfriend, unless he is bi, he aint seeing shit). I think another thing that differentiates seeing something in a sexual light vs sexualizing a thing is context. When you see something in a sexual light but you aren't sexualizing something, context matters because you see the thing as sexual in certain situations. A good example I'd say is the way that women often think that a guys hands or forearms are sexy. We're not constantly turned on at the sight of hands rather it's more about what those hands would do in certain situations. We're not out here telling men to wear gloves because their hands are scandalous or inherently sexual. This contrasts with I would say the way that men sexualize our legs where regardless of situation, we are urged to cover up because we're enticing people and basically being scandalous. And that is one of  the differences between the male and the female gaze when it comes to attraction. 

And pole dancing isn't much different. It can be seen as a sexual or sensual light but it could also be seen in a very neutral light as well. And I feel that a lot of women and LGBTQ people are more likely to get the whole context aspect of things and not sexualize pole dancing. And that includes lesbians and bisexual men who are also attracted to women. So attraction or lack there of isn't what's driving the neutrality (I'm also planning on doing a post of homophobia, consent, and the links to sexism soon). 

But yeah, if I were to dance on a pole, I wouldn't be comfortable with doing that in the eyes of straight men. Honestly, women who have to deal with straight men when it comes to these types of things and even sex work have my respect because I know I wouldn't last. I'd probably walk out with a felony or a mental break down or both if a man grabbed me without my consent. Speaking of which, there is a trend of how a lot of people are destigmatizing sex work but they still don't respect sex workers. A lot of people want to act like a stripper and adopt a certain aesthetic without actually being one or respecting women who do it for work. There is a really good video that explains this much better than I ever could that I really recommend checking out because of how good the research and analysis went into this video. 

Edited by soos_mite_ah

I have faith in the person I am becoming xD

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Lana Del Rey 

I have been meaning to write about this whole phase I'm going through for a while (as in before I even made this journal). 

In addition to how I have talked about her when I discussed romanticizing the past and the incidental times I have mentioned her on my journal (idk I feel like I talk about her a lot but after doing a quick search I didn't find much), these are a couple other times I have meant to talk about her work and how it affects me. 

On 2/27/2021 at 2:53 PM, soos_mite_ah said:

Media Consumption Analysis Part 2: My Lana Del Rey Phase 

I find myself really drawn to Lana Del Rey's music since about fall 2019. I always thought her music was beautiful but I didn't look too deeply into it. One of the reasons why I find myself drawn to her is summarized by this one tweet I found a long ass time ago on brown twitter which was along the lines of "Lana Del Rey makes me feel like the reckless, rebellious white girl with a trust fund that I never was." I can't really relate to her music which is why I like it strangely enough. It's like I'm embracing this part of myself that I don't get the opportunity to otherwise. 

I wrote out a whole entry for this last night but I decided against posting it. I'm going to keep it private because I'm not ready to expose myself lol. Basically long story short, LDR helps me have an outlet for some of the trauma and issues I currently have and gives me an outlet to explore my unhealthy desires and impulsivity without actually going out there and doing something stupid. 

So basically, to organize this post and keep myself sane, I'm going basically talk about the following topics: 

  • Why I'm drawn to her music: vintage vibes, personal issues, processing things/ having an outlet
  • The lolita resurgence and why that is super concerning 
  • parasocial relationships and racism 

Why I'm drawn to her music: 
I have discussed in previous posts on how I tend to be attracted to the whole vintage vibe. And I think her music captures that energy really well while also mixing in more modern elements as well so it doesn't feel super archaic. Her work first came into my radar when I was around 13ish and I just thought her sound was interesting and beautiful. I didn't really fixate on her music until I was 19/20 or so and I think a lot of it has to do with what I was going through at the time. 

Long story short, I was coming out of a pretty depressing time. At that time I would still say it was a dark time, not in the sense that it was really depressing or neurotic, rather there were a lot of unknowns as to who I was growing into. And that's when I met this guy. Long story short, I became infatuated with this guy because he reminded  me of the best version of myself and in a way gave me an idea of who I was growing into. I would say that he was about a decade older than me and the whole thing would have been a shit show if either of us acted on anything (I highly doubt he had any feelings on his part but it would be super weird if he did).  So I was left with all of these emotions without really an outlet to express them. And that's where LDR's music comes in. 

I think the subject matter but most importantly the emotions in her music resonated with me to a certain extent. I can't say that I relate to much of her actual life experiences or what she describes in her music but emotionally I can empathize with it. Her music helped me just sit with my emotions and process them without having me actually go out and do something stupid like act on my feelings and have life be a cruel teacher. It was like a simulation of sorts. It's like I could emotionally go through the event of falling for a guy who isn't good for me, particularly an older guy who has more power in the dynamic, without actually experiencing the event and going through the trauma. 

When it comes to older guys (I'm talking roughly 8-13 years older not old enough to be my dad lol) I think there is a variety of factors involved.

  1. My parent's have an 8 year age difference 
  2. My dad had me when he was in his 40s 
  3. Growing up (and still even now) I mainly get hit on by guys who are in this age range 
  4. I had to deal with a lot of difficult and traumatic shit growing up and that fucked with my sense of mental age and the vibes I put out.  

I'd say #1 and #2 basically socialized what was considered normal for me growing up. I think it made my mental idea of what is considered old a little wonky in my head. A lot of my friends had really young parents growing up (as in their parents were teen parents and once my friends were graduating high school their parents were still in their 30s). They have wonky perceptions of time in the sense that the idea of getting married and having kids later than 25 seem really weird because the idea of being in your late 40s early/50s when your kid goes off to college doesn't make sense to them all that much since they are used to having younger parents. And I think that because of what was modeled to me growing up, I have a more generous perception of what I consider old because their age difference and my dad's age was normalized and is basically my reference point. 

When it comes to #3, I think a lot of it comes down to my looks. I looked like a grown ass woman from a young age and I would get confused for being older if people were to go by appearances alone. And while I don't have too many terrible experiences other than this was startling to deal with when I was 14 getting hit on my guys twice my age (and thankfully whenever I encounter these situations these men back off when they find out how old I actually am), it's like these experiences conditioned me to associate the good feelings of being flirted with with older guys. And as a result a conditioned version of attraction started to form. 

And finally we have #4. #4 is a little tricky because on one hand sometimes I feel like I'm out of place and that there is a power dynamic that gets formed when I associate with people my age because mentally I had to grow up faster and learn a bunch of lessons later, therefore I'm in a different place in my life. The whole power dynamic thing was something that was very present pre pandemic.  But at the same time, there is this part of me that feels very young and vulnerable and to a certain extent stunted because I didn't go through the typical experiences that a person my age would go through and mature from. So then you find yourself in this situation where you feel too old to associate with men your age but also you want someone more experienced who will guide you through your vulnerability because you don't really know what you're doing. Also, the whole rhetoric of "girls maturing faster" doesn't help either and is often used to justify all types of predatory behavior. Weirdly enough, I feel like the pandemic traumatized me just enough to regress me back into being able to relate to people my own age again since we all went through this collective trauma and we all had to move back with our parents (and that helped me shake off this attraction that I had towards older guys so that's good).

I don't think I'm really in a place where I still find myself attracted to that kind of age dynamic. I feel like I have processed through my hang ups enough and had time isolated from everyone to really dig through and sort this shit out. I don't really think there was ever a chance of me acting on my impulses in this regard mainly because I was very cognitively aware of the situation and the life long consequences that can come from it even if my emotions said otherwise. I have been on a couple dates with guys who were like 3 years older and even though that wasn't that much, I think it's important to consider that I was 18/19 at the time and that shit felt really off in terms of relatability and chemistry to where I simply didn't want to go further. My heart back then was basically like *well, maybe...?* but my head back then and even now is like *HELL TF NO!!!*  

I would say that LDR's music helped me process through a lot of these and explore any fantasy that I had in a safe way without having those fantasizes turn into this unhealthy romanticization of a toxic dynamic. Her music gets accused of glorifying abusive dynamics and while that can be said of her very early works (as in her Lizzy Grant trailer park days lol), I would say a lot of her music is lamenting over these situations rather than reminscing happily. I'm pretty sure that most of the fandom gets that but of course, like with every fandom, there's the group of crazy 12 year old fans that take their obsession to a whole new level. And a lot of these younger views who simply don't get the emotions behind the music I feel tend to romanticize the pain as something edgy and cool because they aren't aware of how much those situations actually suck due to a lack of life experiences.  I have also talked about the whole infantilization of women and how a lot of beauty standards are pedophilic earlier in this journal. This video on the romanticization of Lolita and pedophilia and how it plays out in social media explains things pretty well: 

And finally, relationship dynamics aside, along with the whole vintage thing, I think wealth and race also is a part of it. Like I said earlier in this post: 


One of the reasons why I find myself drawn to her is summarized by this one tweet I found a long ass time ago on brown twitter which was along the lines of "Lana Del Rey makes me feel like the reckless, rebellious white girl with a trust fund that I never was." I can't really relate to her music which is why I like it strangely enough. It's like I'm embracing this part of myself that I don't get the opportunity to otherwise. 

This goes along with letting yourself explore unhealthy fantasizes without acting on them but this dynamic gives me this sense of safety of *hey it's ok to be a little fucked up in the process of getting your life together.* Because I feel like especially as an Asian woman who doesn't have the same margin of error that a rich white woman would, its easy to be critical of yourself and disown the messier parts of yourself (there is also the whole model minority things as well so that doesn't help). I don't have the time, the energy, or the lee way of doing dumb shit like a lot of Lana's characters in her music do. But you know what, that's ok because there are enough bad decisions and terrible circumstances that are talked about in her music that makes up for the both of us lol. 

That said, I also find people who get parasocially attached to celebrities to the point where they can't critique or make fun of what they like really weird. I have touched on how some LDR fans have crazy obsessions and how a lot of it has broader implications than them driving themselves crazy. I can still laugh about her content and not take it super personally and also I can say that even though I really like her music, I do have mixed opinions on her whole brand and public image. Like in the past couple of years, this woman has been acting tf up and sometimes I wish that she would just act right so I can stan publicly lol. But I can't say that I'm surprised by her tone deafness given her background. 

Edited by soos_mite_ah

I have faith in the person I am becoming xD

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Sex Addiction, Sex as Self-harm, and Hypersexuality 

These are a few things that I wish my sex ed curriculum covered because I feel like I learned about this waayyy too late and I had to find out from social media of all places.  Who am I kidding, I wish I had sex ed period. Instead, since I live in the south, I had some crazy lady come over to my school talking about how she's a "born again virgin," and how abstinence is the only option. There is a reason why the Bible Belt is also known as the Teen Pregnancy Belt. Anyway, tangent aside, in addition to condoms, birth control, and consent I think another really important aspect of having safe sex is understanding why you're choosing to engage in sex. Because not coming at sex from a healthy place can result in a lot of emotional damage. 

First of all, sex addiction is not a thing. Yeah, I was pretty shocked about this. But no, it isn't a thing. Sometimes people just have really high sex drives. Or sometimes, sex is a cover for other things going wrong. For example, people use it as an escapist coping mechanism, effects of repression, a substitute for emotional intimacy, etc. Which then leads me to sex as self-harm. There are people who feel the need to put themselves into uncomfortable situations with people who don't value them as a way of harming themselves. It's usually consists of partaking in risky sexual activity or having sex with people who you know don't respect your boundaries. It's kind of similar to how some people do a lot of risk taking activities when they are depressed. And then there is hypersexuality. Usually this is what people are actually referring to when people point to sex addiction. In addition to everything that I talked about above, hypersexuality can occur to people who have been sexually assaulted. Apparently, there are some people who start to have lots of sex with lots of people after assault as a way to feel like they are in control of their sexuality in a sexual situation.

I remember reading The Game a few months ago. Not gonna lie, that was a difficult book to get through and honestly, I read only about half. But there is one part of the book that really sticks out to me as extremely slimy. One of the characters were talking about this guy who is apparently a "natural." Apparently, this guy can get with any girl he pleases with minimal effort and has slept with 100s of women. And these guys started talking about how this guy in question lost his virginity at 11 to his baby sitter who was 17 years old. I remember putting the book down. . In my mind, I was just thinking that THIS IS LITERALLY RAPE, A CHILD CAN'T CONSENT THIS. The way that these guys talked about this situation was as if they glorified it, like this was something to applaud, an accomplishment for the guy they were talking about. Also in my mind, this was around the time when I found out about hypersexuality in general and I just sat there thinking *these guys are glorifying a traumatic event and basically further enabling a coping mechanism.* This guy was basically a classic case of someone with a supposed "sex addiction" actually becoming hypersexual due to trauma and then using sex as a form of self harm. 

My thing with this post is not shame people with high sex drives or people who like having a lot of casual sex with different people. Those can be completely natural and healthy. But my thing is that I think it's important for people to check in with themselves and their motivations. It's the same thing with people who want to wait to have sex. Wanting to wait can also be completely natural and healthy.  It's not so much about the decision rather it's about how you got there and why you are making that decision. And the reason why I'm bringing this up is because I feel like this side of safe sex doesn't get talked about enough and because people tend to glorify hook up culture too much blindly without checking in with themselves and thinking whether or not taking part in hook up culture is right for them or if it's coming from a healthy place. 

I have faith in the person I am becoming xD

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My Thoughts on No Strings Attached Sex

My over all stance on no strings attached sex, hook up culture, etc. is that there is nothing wrong with it from a moral and spiritual standpoint. I know there are some people who are like "SEX IS SACRED YOU'RE MAKING SOUL TIES WITH EVERYONE YOU FUCK" which I understand why sex is a sentimental thing for some people, I just don't think it's appropriate to think that this is some type of absolute truth and that everyone should align with it. Given the things that I have talked about in my previous post, whether you are in the isle of wanting to wait or wanting to live out your best hoe life, it's important to do that self introspection to make sure that your motivations are coming from a healthy place.  

For me personally, for the longest time I thought I was the type of person who would get emotionally attached really easily when it comes to doing anything physical. But what I realized in the last couple weeks is that while I do have sentimentality attached to the sex itself, I don't necessarily have sentimentality towards the person. I think where I'm at right now is that I do are about who I share my firsts with but more so in the sense that I don't want my first times to be unmemorable trash, not in a *I need this person to be special* sense. I don't think I want to be in love with the person that I want to do things with. Sure it's a nice plus but it isn't necessary. What is necessary though is that I have some kind of interesting dynamic with this person and we connect socially to where things aren't awkward and we are both comfortable with one another. I think that the elements of trust and patience are really important to me because I'm still just testing the waters and I'm not comfortable with diving head first without anyone trying to slow down or check in on me. 

I also think there is a misconception of women and how they are super emotional and how they need attachment. Sure, some people are like that, but I don't think its a women's thing. There is the opposite stereotype for men as well. And I have a strong suspicion that this bias skews people's sense of self awareness and how they act and view the opposite sex.

I'm going to start with men first. I think there is this expectation for a lot of men to engage in meaningless sex, not always because of sexual exploration (there isn't anything wrong with that) but due to a form of masculine posturing. This could range anywhere from viewing women as conquests, not wanting to be emotionally vulnerable because it's seen as feminine or weak, having the expectation that you're supposed to want it all the time even in cases where you feel incredibly uncomfortable and violated, the notion of if you say no that you're less of a man (which often ignores or in some cases glorifies cases of sexual assault), and feeling the need to lose your virginity to prove your masculinity. I'm sure there are more examples but these are just a few things that are off the top of my head. 

I also think of a particular anecdote. This is a particular conversation that I swear I encounter about once every couple of years. The scenario goes like this. There is a group of guys that are talking near me (not really paying attention of whether I or my friends exist). One of the guys starts talking about how they are committing to this one girl for a relationship. The other guy says something along the lines of "what do you mean you're getting into a relationship? That's gay bruh. What about fucking bitches?" This has happened a few of times and in those times, either me or my friend look to one another and just jokingly ask "fellas, is it gay to want to be in a heterosexual relationship with a woman?" 

And that's precisely the thing. By definition, there is nothing gay about that. But because a lot of performative masculinity is tied to having a lot of partners and not expressing your emotions by developing meaningful relationships, it's seen as less masculine and therefore gay to get into a relationship. Like this makes sense but my friends and I just stand there in rainbow confusion whenever we encounter situations like these because huh lol?? And of course, this conversation also has shades of homophobia and sexism (the two being pretty linked up together but that's another post) in the conversation as well where even if it's considered gay, why would it be a bad thing?? Like are manly men not supposed to have fulfilling relationships with women? Are they just supposed to see them as a means to a sexual end and that's it? 

Which then brings me to women. A lot of women are perfectly at peace with having no strings attached sex. We just want to have some basic human decency, know you aren't a psychopath, and know that we are safe and it wouldn't be awkward. And in order to do that there needs to be some basic social and emotional connection. Even if I were to do something that's no strings attached, I'm not going to just go home with someone with a total stranger in most cases. Because not only is it dangerous, but there isn't that amount of context that was built up and it can be awkward. And the irritating thing is that guys will look at this and assume that we're super emotional/ clingy/ easily attached when really we're just asking for the bare minimum for attraction. 

And there are some women who internalize this type of thing and assume that their only option is extremely no strings attached casual sex because why tf would men ever want anything more and if you are asking for more, you're "one of those girls" who is being annoying and asking for too much. It lead to a lot of people compromising what they actually want and compromising their boundaries. I have been tempted to do that in a few instances. There is this notion that men don't care about women and they only want to fuck them and that's it. And sometimes, even when you genuinely want something casual, you're made out to believe that you're still asking for too much when you're really asking for basic respect and safety.  

I have faith in the person I am becoming xD

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Found and interesting article on hook up culture in college and how race and class plays into things. Thought I'd include it here.

The Hookup Elites


Not everyone in college is hooking up. It’s mostly the white and wealthy.

Let me lay out some statistics that, considered together, seem quite improbable. First, 91 percent of college students agree that their lives are dominated by the hookup culture. Second, the median number of hookups for a graduating senior is seven. That’s fewer than two hookups a year. Only about 40 percent of those hookups include sexual intercourse so, technically, the typical student acquires only two new sexual partners during college.

If students agree with the rest of the panicked culture and the recent New York Times story that they are embedded in an alcohol-fueled, porn-soaked, party scene that welcome casual sex, how is it possible that their actual sexual activity can be described with numbers like two and seven?

This was the question that led me to rethink what was really happening on college campuses.  The vast majority of published research on hookup culture, mine included, focuses on the gender dynamics: the extent to which college women are empowered or disempowered by their experience with hookup culture. Media coverage of the phenomenon has followed suit.

Gender, however, is not the only way to slice the data. Buried in the statistics is information about who is participating in the hookup culture more or less actively. And, it turns out, not everyone on campus embraces the scene equally. Only 14 percent of students hookup more than 10 times in four years and these students are more likely than others to be white, wealthy, heterosexual, able-bodied, and conventionally attractive, according to quantitative studies of hookup behavior. Students who do not fall into these categories hook up significantly less and are more likely to disapprove of or be uninterested in the whole endeavor. To give you an idea of why, I’ll briefly discuss what we know about the attitudes and behaviors of African-American versus white and working-class versus middle-class students.

African-American students are less likely to hook up than white students. Sociological studies suggest that lingering racism plays a part: Black people have been traditionally stereotyped as hypersexual (trigger warning: see the “jezebel” and “mandingo” stereotypes). So, for black men and women, embracing sexual freedom can bring individual rewards, but also risks affirming harmful beliefs about African-Americans. In response, some black people feel the need to perform a politics of respectability. Rashawn Ray and Jason Rosow, for example, in a comparison of black and white fraternities, found that black men’s resistance to negative racial stereotypes sometimes involved being “good” and following mainstream social norms of appearance and behavior.

There are other, more practical reasons as well. Unpublished research led by USC graduate student Jess Butler, whose dissertation addressed hookup culture, suggests that there may be a separate African-American hookup scene on some colleges. However, hookup scenes often revolve around fraternity houses and, because of historic and ongoing economic inequality, black fraternities are less likely to have houses. Meanwhile, in general, black students are more strongly in favor of gender equality and drink less alcohol than whites. Neither of these facts facilitate hookup scripts.

Working-class students are also less likely to participate in hookup culture. Upper-middle- and upper-class students approach college with a certain sense of entitlement. They hook up because they are fairly confident that they will spend several years working on their careers before they get married. And they feel confident that they’ll graduate from college with relative ease, so they’re comfortable spending a lot of time partying. Here’s an example of how one class-privileged college student sees things, as reported by sociologists Laura Hamilton and Elizabeth Armstrong:

“I’ve always looked at college as the only time in your life when you should be a hundred percent selfish … I have the rest of my life to devote to a husband or kids or my job … but right now, it’s my time.”

In contrast, poor and working-class students, who are often the first ones in their families to attend college, tend to take it much more seriously and don’t take for granted that they’ll finish, so they party less. They also bring their values with them, so they imagine starting a family earlier. Investing in a serious boyfriend or girlfriend is more in line with these goals. As one working-class student said, in a separate study by Hamilton, about her wealthier peers:

“Some of these girls don’t even go to class. It’s like they just live here. They stay up until 4:00 in the morning. [I want to ask,] ‘Do you guys go to class? Like what’s your deal? … You’re paying a lot of money for this … If you want to be here, then why aren’t you trying harder?’ ”

So what we are seeing on college campuses is the same dynamic we see outside of colleges.  People with privilege—based on race, class, ability, attractiveness, sexual orientation, and, yes, gender—get to set the terms for everyone else. Their ideologies dominate our discourses, their particular set of values gets to appear universal, and everyone is subject to their behavioral norms. Students feel that a hookup culture dominates their colleges not because it is actually widely embraced, but because the people with the most power to shape campus culture like it that way.

I have faith in the person I am becoming xD

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Future Topics // Things I Have Yet to Talk About 

Alright... so it's been a minute. I haven't been on this forum posting as a I normally do but I'm back. And before I get back on my shit, I thought this would be a good time to look at the things I set out to cover and see where I'm at. 

I made a list a while back but I've added more things to the list since then and I've definitely talked about things outside of this list as well in this journal. I crossed out the things I've already talked about, I put some topics in gray because I don't really care to write about them, and I've bolded topics that I really want to take my time with before posting on here. 

  1. My Relationship with Porn  crossing this out because it's the next post I want to make
  2. The Diversity of Asexuality
  3. Thoughts on NoFap 
  4. Vanilla Shaming and the Normalization of Rough Sex 
  5. Asexual Stereotypes 
  6. Sexuality vs Sexual Orientation 
  7. The Online BDSM Test 
  8. Things and People I'm Attracted To still have more things I want to add on to this but I'm crossing it out because I touched on it
  9. Different Layers to My Sexuality and Vulnerability 
  10. Music I've Really Been Enjoying (I feel like this goes along with "Art Work That I Really Enjoy", but I wanted another post lol) 
  11. Dealing with my Limiting Beliefs and Feelings of Undesirability: Where I am Now in That Journey 
  12. Reflecting on My Writing Thus Far: Findings from Writing in This Journal
  13. Being Sexual vs Being Sexualized 
  14. Purity Culture On the stage blue post
  15. Sexual Empowerment Through the Spiral Dynamics Stages
  16. Racial Fetishization: How Attraction Doesn't Exist in a Vacuum
  17. Kink Shaming
  18. My Fears Around Pregnancy 
  19. Nudism
  20. Encountering Asexual Flirts
  21. Exhibitionism 
  22. FOMO and Being a Virgin Later Than Most of Your Peers 
  23. The Ways I Connected to My Sexuality as a Virgin Asexual
  24. Foreplay and Aftercare 
  25. Am I Actually Horny or Am I Deprived of Human Connection? 
  26. Somethings I Want for My First Time 
  27. Some body image issues that have flared up for me recently
  28. Using Your Love Language for Self-Care
  29. Recent Dates I’ve been on 
  30. Hands and the Female Gaze: Why So Many Women are Into Hands 
  31. Pole Dancing   
  32. Lana Del Rey  
  33. Sex Addiction and Hyper Sexuality
  34. Fellas, Is It Gay to Want a Relationship? 
  35. My Thoughts on No Strings Attached Sex 
  36. Unrealistic expectations and colorism 
  37. I’m ugly and I’m proud
  38. We’re not ugly
  39. The Link Between Homophobia and Sexism: Why I Don't Trust Homophobic Men 
  40. Friend Zoning  
  41. Art Work I Really Like  
  42. My Thoughts on Monogamy 
  43. The Sex Work Industry and the Ethics of Using Your Body for Profit
  44. Hook Up Culture: How Progressive Is it Really
  45. Sugar Baby Culture
  46. Does Sex Actually Sell?

I have faith in the person I am becoming xD

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