The Female Gaze

[soos_mite_ah]

The Female Gaze and Bro Movies: And Justice for All 

Ok so lately, I've been on my straight woman shit. I've recently tried to watch The Godfather, And Justice for All, and Bobby Deerfield  for no other reason other than the fact that I'm a thirsty bitch who thinks young Al Pacino is fine af. 

I'm going to be completely honest, I hated all of these movies. 

So let's get started on this post shall we lol....

And Justice for All is about a lawyer, Arthur Kirkland, trying to be an ethical  while being surrounded by corruption. Everyone in the movie is out of their goddamn minds, including Arthur himself, but in comparison to the other characters, Arthur is probably the most level headed person there. Basically the whole movie is him being done with life because of the neurotic characters he is surrounded by and him trying to manage multiple responsibilities while being black mailed into taking a case defending the person who he despises the most. 

Out of the 3 movies, I'd say that I enjoyed this one the most (and by that I mean I would rate this a 3.5/10). I found myself relating to this character because while it isn't nearly to the same extent, I am pretty done with life and for a while I have been surrounded by a lot of neurotic people while juggling multiple responsibilities. 

But here's where the problems lie. This movie strikes me as something that is pretty dated (i think it was made in 1977?). The reason being the way the movie portrays women, people of color, and trans people. I'm going to talk about the writing because I'm not that great at critiquing performance. All of the actors seemed good at what they did as far as I can tell lol.

Firstly with women. Most of the women were background characters. There were 4 women who weren't though. There was a prostitute, a rape victim, the main character's girlfriend, and a client the main character was defending (I'll get to that in a minute). Of the 4, the first 2 didn't have lines or a name. Gail, the girlfriend, was a part of a committee that was cracking down on corrupt lawyers. She and Arthur meet, they sleep together a couple times, and I think they're in a relationship? For all I know this could be a friends with benefits situation because the movie doesn't really have a build for the relationship. She just kind of pops up and is there. Granted this movie isn't supposed to be centered around a romantic relationship but when it comes to Arthurs friends and coworkers, there is more context regarding those relationships when it comes to how those relationships develop both on and off screen.

Gail on the other hand, feel more like a plot device rather than a fleshed out character. She has a couple conversations to challenge Arthur's train of though on how to deal with issues he's facing in his workplace (and speaking of which, how tf do any of the characters have jobs!?!??! They're not functioning at all. I get it's satire but still).  She's a symbol speaking for an alternate ideology to contrast from the main character in order to give the audience a different perspective of the situation at hand.  The movie doesn't really go into her life all that much nor does it explore her character, much less her character outside the context of her relationship to Arthur. I think, especially given her job and the situations in the movie, she could have had a more active role with more scenes. 

Worst of all, there is a part of me that feels that Gail's character was used by the writers to prove the main character's masculinity. Because, given Gail's role in the plot, she could have easily been simply another one of Arthur's coworkers/friends or hell she could have been a guy and not much would have changed in the movie. Instead of a romantic/sexual relationship, this could have easily been a platonic/professional thing. The reason why I think Gail's character was written in this way is because the main character isn't as traditionally masculine. A lot of the movie centers around his empathy, the way that he treats people, how much he cares both about the people around him and his profession, and how emotional / sentimental he gets with his cases. A lot of these are traditionally associated with femininity. And I'd imagine that considering that this movie was made in the 70s, that it wouldn't do too well or appeal to a lot of people if the main character seemed too soft. And I don't think I need to repeat this but men tend to hold the sexual conquest of women as one of the things they need to check off in order to prove their masculinity to other men. 

When it comes to the people of color, pretty much all of them are criminals. I don't think I really need to expand on that point. 

Only one person of color even has lines in the movie. She is a black trans woman who got caught up in a bank robbery and she being represented by Arthur. A lot of her scenes were hard to watch because many of them involved being degraded by other men. There are a couple of scenes where she gets sexually harassed by men who she was in jail with. Those scenes were hard to watch. There are scenes where she is forced to take off her wig for both her mugshot and her appearance in court. I think those scenes were good in the way it articulated how the whole judicial process was degrading both for her and the other people Arthur was representing. Considering that this is the 70s and shit was a 1000x harder for trans people then than it is now, I'm glad that at the very least they depicted her in a more sympathetic light rather than outright villainizing her . The thing that really gets to me is how in the end, she ends up going to jail and she ends up hanging herself. I just feel like her whole character arc needs a trigger warning. 

The movie is about justice and how many people don't get it because of the flaws in both the system and the people within the system. Those who try to be ethical end up getting cornered into positions where not only is it difficult to make good choices, but there aren't many good choices to begin with. While all of that is in the plot, I would say that the lack of justice extend to even the people who were writing the movie and how they portrayed the characters. I'm willing to give some leniency given the time period this was written in but still.... it's.... ehhhhugghhh. Definitely would not recommend. The only thing that got me going to finish this movie was that I thought the lead actor was attractive. I'm surprised that I sat through an hour and half of this. Asexual me could never.

Edited October 14, 2021 by soos_mite_ah

[soos_mite_ah]

The Female Gaze and Bro Movies: Bobby Deerfield

I'd say out of the 3, I was probably the most disappointed by this movie. It wasn't the worst out of the 3 but it was disappointing because I had expectations lol. The movie is supposed to be this melodramatic romance and as someone who wants more inspiration for the romantic scenarios I make in my head before falling asleep, this seemed perfect.  

But upon watching the movie, in regards to Bobby and Lilian's relationship, I was sitting there like... tf did I witness? Ah yes, confuse the fuck out of the guy to get him interested in you and then die on him when he gets attached. Got it 

If I were to summarize the movie, I'd probably say that this is about a famous racecar driver, Bobby Deerfield, trying to deal with the existential crisis that is death while being incredibly stoic and emotionally repressed. He almost gets into a deadly car crash on the race track and this killed one of the people that he was racing with while horribly injuring another. In order to deal with this, he is trying to figure out what in his car, when hit the wrong way, can trigger an explosion. He goes to talk to the person who was horribly injured to get his side of the story at this medical center where he meets Lilian, a terminally ill woman who Bobby falls in love with. 

Their relationship to me was bizarre to say the least, A lot of it felt awkward. I think it would be somewhat of a stretch to say that Lilian came off as a manic pixie dream girl (for those of yall who don't know what this trope is, it's basically the trope where a quirky, usually either naive or rather traumatized, young woman comes into a male protagonist's life to give him a new outlook and to "fix him." As a far as writing goes, the manic pixie dream girl exists only for the male protagonist and doesn't really have much of a life of her own). Like I get quirky, but given how awkward Lilian's dialog was, it just feels so obvious that she was written by a man. However, I can's say she is a manic pixie dream girl because she doesn't exist for Bobby nor does she have any intention to "fix" him rather she has her own agenda. 

Then there is Bobby. I get that his whole character was supposed to be stoic and emotionally repressed but also, the writers don't do a good job on depicting the background of some of his behavior. For example, in the beginning, there is some mention on how he has a terrible relationship with his family and how that is somewhat related to his relationship with mortality. I was waiting for the movie to get into that more but it never does. Also, my mans seems more confused than anything (and I don't really blame the guy) but also the whole dynamic doesn't feel super reciprocal for most of the movie. The guy is just like *tf is up with this woman* and then goes along pursuing her. For a large chunk of the movie, it felt as though he was pursuing her, not because he liked her but because he couldn't stand his sense of confusion. And this confusion that Lilian was creating wasn't even in this seductive, mysterious way. The confusion was more so centered around the whole wtf factor. And I'm glad that Lilian calls him out on this when she says something along the lines that she isn't some type of puzzle to be figured out and that she just wants them to let loose and enjoy themselves.

Also another thing that I kept thinking about is how for a large chunk of the time Bobby was with Lilian that he still had a girlfriend. Like even on the cuter scenes, I was still sitting there like MY GUY DON'T YOU HAVE A WHOLE NOTHER GIRL?!?!?!  And when it comes to his girlfriend, I don't think her name was ever really mentioned. She doesn't have many lines and there isn't that much known about her. I feel like getting into her character and her relationship to Bobby would have made the movie more interesting and would have added some extra layers. 

Overall, the movie drags on doesn't do a great job in getting into the characters. I lowkey didn't even want to finish it if I'm going to be completely honest. This movie also reminds of this notion on how many "romantic movies" aren't really all that romantic and how they often normalize and romanticize unhealthy and obsessive behaviors. I feel like some of the movies and TV series with the best romances are ones where romance is a part of the plot rather than the whole thing because you see the characters get fleshed out more in different situations outside of their relationship. Not to be cliché, but I feel like life is like this too where to live an interesting and exciting life, romance can be a part of it (or might not be, that's ok too) but it isn't the whole thing. Because it simply isn't healthy or sustainable to wrap your whole life and character arc around one person regardless of how strongly you feel about the person. In the end of the day, it be exciting on screen, but if you use a couple of brain cells, you realize how chaotic that way of life is. 

Anyway, tangent aside, this movie was disappointing but then again, I can't say that I'm surprised. My mans was fine af though and the costume design people for the movie knew what they were doing because he had fits.  2.5/10. 

Edited October 14, 2021 by soos_mite_ah

[Captain_Diabetes]

from what i read its a lil cringe.. people who dont say cringe are white knights 

you should take up a few new hobbies to give your focus and time to is just IMO

[soos_mite_ah]

@modmyth Trust me it's coming. 

I've just been intimidated by the topics I set up for myself and I find myself procrastinating taking my time to think things through. 

I also feel that there is just so much that goes into discussions around sex work, ethics, etc. that it takes some time to personally go through each perspective and see what resonates with you. 

Edited October 16, 2021 by soos_mite_ah

[soos_mite_ah]

Coffee Shop AU 

I'm currently at a coffee shop trying to relax and because I haven't been writing as often as I normally do. There is something about coffee shops that brings out the hopeless romantic in me lol.  I feel that the coffee shop AU trope is something that has a chokehold on me. despite the fact that I've never been super into fanfiction growing up. Basically this is a fanfiction trope where the fanfiction is set up at a coffeeshop and the characters from the original series are either a barista or a regular customer. Normally the barista/customer dynamic involves the writer's favorite romantic pairing from the original series. I swear, probably a sizeable chunk of the romantic scenarios I make up in my head before falling asleep take place in a fucking coffeeshop. In this post, I want to explore as to why that might be so.  I DON'T EVEN LIKE COFFEE. 

First I decided to look into why this trope is popular in the first place just as a jumping off point to see what resonates with me. The reasons that I came across are the following: 

• Millennials and Gen Z tend to romanticize urban environments and are broke so getting things at a coffee shop are seen as a small indulgence. Also, many people in these generations tend to work in service industries so there is that familiarity. 
• Coffee shops are a mundane setting so it gives you the chance of imagining the characters of your favorite series as everyday people. It gives you a break from sci-fi/ dystopian/ fantasy novels and replaces it with modern realism. 
• Many of the people writing these coffee shop AUs are high school or college students who firstly, may not be old enough to get alcohol at a bar or secondly, spend a lot of time doing work for school but instead of setting the story at school, coffee shops feel more relaxed and sexier. 
• There isn't that much research a person has to do when writing a coffee shop AU so it's a very easy trope to pull off successfully. 
• Some people blamed the show Friends for romanticizing coffee shops

Then I decided to think about my own associations with coffee shops: 

• First dates: I feel like suggesting to go to a coffee shop is my default response to first date ideas. It's casual and it makes things feel like there is less pressure (it isn't as formal as say being take out to dinner and it's cheaper too). 
• Quality Time for Myself: I have mentioned earlier in this journal on how one of my main love languages is quality time. I find that taking myself out on a coffee shop date alone once a week keeps me sane and lets me check in with myself. Like I get dressed up once a week, take my laptop to a coffeeshop just to goof off on the internet. Basically the same shit I would've done at home, but dressed up and in public.  Someone's got to be the hot mysterious person who looks like their getting their life together lmaoo. 
• Just letting yourself be: This combines both the first and second point. I know that there are a lot of people whose ideal date would be going out and actually doing things (think going bowling or to the state fair etc.). While that is nice, for me, I'm not super romantic or super active so something mundane like just getting food or finding a nice place to hang out and just be is enough for me.
• Actually getting my work done: This is a relaxing environment for me so whenever I find myself wanting to procrastinate on my work, I just take myself to a coffee shop. First, it lets me get to a new environment and shift my focus. Second, I convince myself that I am actually relaxing so that the task at hand doesn't feel too awful. And third, it combines something that I don't really want to do with something I really enjoy doing so then that makes it easier to get the things I don't want to do done. It's like that Mary Poppins quote on how a spoonful of sugar helps the medicine go down. 
• Getting my shit together: Related to the previous point but I just wanted to add on how the smell of coffee makes me think of getting my shit done despite the fact that I don't even drink coffee. Working in coffeeshops also helps me focus because my ADHD doesn't like spaces that are pin drop silent. I don't like coffee, I'm just here for the vibes lol. I just order my iced matcha latte, which is just matcha and almond milk, and call it a day. Again, someone's got to be the hot mysterious person who looks like their getting their life together. 
  • Also, I think this also coincides with my issues with competence and how one of the main things that I find attractive in guys is when they genuinely have their shit together. 
• A place of hang out during the day and maybe meet new people: Yeah... I'm not exactly a creature of the night. Not to sound pretentious but going to bars and clubs aren't my thing. I don't like being surrounded by drunk people and I don't like loud places where you meet people but can barely have a conversation because  it's so loud. Also, I feel like whenever you ask where to meet new people, people usually respond with bars and clubs, but then when you say you don't like alcohol, the answer changes to a coffee shop or a bookstore.  While I have failed to secure a man in a coffee shop, I will say that I recently made a couple of friends there. So that's an accomplishment lol. 
  • Side note: I remember seeing a tumblr post a few months ago talking about how there should be late night coffee shops where you can go to pull all-nighters or go and meet people. Basically have it be like a bar but nerdier, more lowkey, and marketed to introverts. 
• I guess there is something romantic about doing your own thing, minding your own business, and having a person walk into your life at the right timing. It feels romantic and down to earth at the same time because it isn't this huge fantastical let-me-sweep-you-off-of-your-feet grand gesture of a moment. It almost feels more realistic and more of a cozy setting. It's like opting for a fireplace rather than a firework.  

[soos_mite_ah]

My Sexuality Exists in a Vacuum 

I feel like my sexuality is something that no one really knows about including myself. It's not that I'm actively trying to repress it or hide it rather it's more along the lines of the fact that I haven't been in any contexts where it could be expressed. I'm grateful for starting this journal to have some outlet of expression but there is this thing that I find myself running into. It's basically the whole thing of "if a tree falls and no one is there to hear it, did it really make a sound." 

I guess that's part of the reason why it's difficult to see myself in a romantic/ sexual and sometimes in a desirable light. There is only so much I can do if I don't have direct experience. A lot of the stuff that I have talked about in this journal about what I like is to an extent speculation because I haven't gone out and tried anything. It's always difficult to know what you're really like in a situation you've never experienced. 

I try to remind myself of two things. One, just because no one has seen a certain side of me doesn't mean it doesn't exist. To assume so is to assume that if something isn't verified by others it doesn't exist. It's not a really self assured way of going about the world because relies on the perception of others for existence. It's the equivalent of assuming that other people don't take a shit just because you haven't personally witnessed them taking one. 

And two, just because I haven't been in a situation where both parties had mutual feelings, doesn't mean that it can't happen in the future. To assume so is to be biased with the past and assume that something is going to continue happening just because it happened before. Truth is we don't know and patterns don't tell us everything about predictive patterns. Literally anything can happen since circumstances are changing continuously. Sure there is something to be said about inertia and patterns, but there is always the chance of something different happening as well. 

Basically the logic of my sexuality feeling nonexistent and me being undesirable because of how I didn't get attention growing up doesn't exactly check out. I can recognize these emotions, understand where they have come from and empathize with them while still recognizing that they are skewed. 

[soos_mite_ah]

What is My Orientation? 

So far I'm at the following possibilities: 

Straight: I mean I'm pretty sure I like men. Question is, do I just like men or is there something more to the story? 

Demi-sexual: For those who don't know, demi-sexual is somewhere between asexual and sexual. It means that you're incapable of developing sexual attraction unless you have created an emotional bond with that person. If the emotional bond isn't there, you're basically asexual. 

When it comes to liking men physically, I noticed that a lot of the traits I'm attracted to usually can be traced back to someone I have had feelings for in the past. For example, I notice myself being attracted to guys who somewhat toned but skinny. Am I attracted to guys with this particular body type or am I only attracted to this body type because I developed an emotional bond with someone who has similar traits in the past? Do I actually like this, or do I only like it because it reminds me of someone. 

I'm going to use celebrity crushes as an example. I don't have them and I don't really find myself attracted to celebrities. But the two I do like, I'm pretty sure that I like them because they remind me of people in my regular life. If I didn't meet these people before, would I still be attracted to these two celebrities? I really don't know. 

Bisexual: This is one that I find hard to come to terms with, not because I think there is anything wrong with being bi, but because I don't want to be seen as a performative bisexual. I don't really find myself being attracted to women sexually. Sure I'm platonically and aesthetically attracted but sexually and romantically, it's a no for me. The only time I find women attractive sexually is in the context of a threesome. Also, there is a chance that the only reason why I'm into a threesome is because most porn is so boring to me as a woman to where the only way to make it more visually stimulating is to have more people involved. I don't really want to hook up with a woman otherwise.

I don't know if this is internalized male gaze or rather than being attracted to women I sexualize them and see them as objects on some level. If it is either of those things and I'm not actually bi but I still go around telling people that I am, I'm pretty sure that would be harmful to the bisexual community and to women to a certain extent because I'm just feeding into stereotypes. I'm nervous about bringing this up and talking about it because I don't want to hurt other communities and perpetuate something harmful. I also feel like it would be an awkward conversation tbh if it's not at the right context. I don't think I know anyone who I feel comfortable enough with to bring this up. 

Edited October 20, 2021 by soos_mite_ah

[soos_mite_ah]

Performative Bisexuality 

I really like this video and I also really liked the comments under here as well:

"Instead of saying oh "it was just a phase", they should say "I was experimenting" or "I was questioning my sexuality". I feel like that's less harmful."

"I hate how you can’t identify with a non-hetero sexuality without associating it with sex itself. Like I feel like straight people are seen with an innocence that lgbt+ people aren’t given. “Oh you like girls” is never about how you connect with other women on an emotional level. Telling someone you’re a gay man always brings questions about your sexual life. It’s so confusing how having a non-het sexuality is always fetishized, especially to young people figuring themselves out."

"I remember one time I was on a date with a girl I met on Tinder. We went for a drink and then saw a pub that looked fun so we went there to dance. We were on a date, we liked each other, so we were just dancing and flirting a bit. Just like so many people do when going out. But there where so many men standing around us, clearly trying to hit on us and enjoying what they saw. We felt so incredibly uncomfortable that we went home soon after that. We weren't even doing that much, we were just dancing, but these men all acted like we did that for them. I'm still so mad, because no, we were not doing that for anyone but ourselves, because we liked each other and had a good time before being sexualized and objectified so much that we had to leave. BISEXUAL AND LESBIAN WOMEN ARE NOT THERE FOR THE PLEASURE OF HETEROSEXUAL MALES."

"I feel like performative bisexuality really contributes to biphobia within the LGBTQ+ community, which just sucks and made me feel like i was unable to come out. To this day I have been unable to tell my parents because they think that everyone is “faking it for attention” just because that’s how it is in the media. I just want to tell all bisexuals out there that you are VALID, and no matter if you later come out as gay or pansexual or whatever, your journey is valid!"

[soos_mite_ah]

The Female Gaze and Bro Movies: The Godfather 

Word for word I feel everything that Peter Griffin has to say. I know The Godfather is a classic but I honestly couldn't get into it. Like it's so drawn out and I have ADHD so it's over all not a good match for me. It really does insist on itself and takes forever to get into the plot. This movie has no business being 3 hours long. 

Long bro movies like these reminds me of the study that was conducted on whether men or women talk more. Over all the results were along the lines of this: When observing a class setting, whether you determine which sex talked more by the number of words people were using or by the duration people were speaking, by both metrics men talk more than women by a significant amount. Further studies suggest that overall which sex talks more is determined by context but even then, the notion that women talk soooo much usually circles back to the notion that the ideal woman is one who is quiet. 

And honestly, other than me having ADHD, I think I'm also at fault for not getting super into it because the main reason why I was watching this movie wasn't because I was interested in it rather it's because I found Al Pacino attractive. I mean.. the mans is fine but unlike the other two movies, I couldn't sit through this one. Also, he is a good actor. But my thing is that I need a face to use for the scenarios I make up in my head before falling asleep. So I can't just have my mans going around acting like a crazy person because that's just going to ruin things for me. It's also why I'm probably never going to watch Scarface. I know damn well that was one of his best performances and despite the fact that I've only seen a couple scenes here and there as they come up in my social media feeds (I follow a couple of fan accounts don't judge me lol), he embodies the worst, the most stank vibes in that movie because that's what the character calls for. I'm almost afraid is going to be same as how I feel about Timothee Chalamet. I'm pretty sure I would think he was cute if I had not watched his performance on Lady Bird. I don't know whether his acting or the casting was on point but either way, whenever I look at him, all I can see is a  pretentious theater kid who will call me uncultured for not reading Hegel.  Like I'm pretty sure he isn't like that in real life but in my mind he looks perpetually 17. So in conclusion, I'm probably not going to watch most of his movies since in many of them he ends up playing characters that are unhinged. 

This is going to be another tangent but I'm going to include it anyways. So there is a recurring joke on TikTok about how Gen Z hates the color brown. Some people attribute this to how a lot of houses in the early 2000s had faux Tuscan style home decor and we were all surrounded by brown to where now as adults we're tired of it. 

 

Like when I see these two pictures, I think of the following: every furniture ad between 2005-2012, getting yelled at over math homework,  Karens who are divorcing their 2nd husband during the recession, and mid life crisis. I also think of those fake fruits that would be in the middle of the table and it reminds me of how squishy the fake grapes were. Like I was watching these tiktok laughing and then I looked at the couch that I was sitting at and realized that even though my parents didn't fully embrace this aesthetic, that there were still pieces of our home that looks like this. There were so many people I saw dragging this aesthetic to filth and how it reminded them of some of the things I listed above. Someone was like "why did all of our moms want the house to look like an Olive Garden?"  Another person was like "this is Godfathercore" and that was probably one of the most cursed but accurate things that I read. I wouldn't be surprised if in 15-20 years that we would have a bunch of young adults hating the color white because they were constantly surrounded by the farmhouse aesthetic and the minimalist aesthetic growing up. 

 

But yeah tangent aside, one thing that I found satifying about the Godfather is how certain pop culture tropes made more sense. Turns out they weren't tropes rather they were just parodies. My favorite parody is probably this scene from Zootopia: 

Overall, even though I can't say I enjoyed the movie, I will say that I don't think the movie is bad. It's a good movie, it's just not meant for my tastes lol. 

Edited October 21, 2021 by soos_mite_ah

[MuadDib]

Birthday sex

So, I've been reading up on birthday sex as a trope and delving into how I'd like to give and receive it.

First of all, I'd like to say that I've never given or received birthday sex and I'm a bit self-conscious of peoples opinions towards my methodology and preferences. Like who the fuck does this guy think he is? No experience yet all of a sudden he's an expert?

Urban dictionary defines it as follows:

Quote

 

Obligation-free sex which happens on or around someone's birthday. Usually initiated by the birthday boy/girl's partner, and involving a mix of acts which more favour the birthday boy/girl's preferences.

The usual rules of reciprocation and mutual pleasure are temporarily suspended, and the birthday girl/boy is considered free to cum whenever and wherever the fuck they please.

Nah, can't come out tonight... I'm hoping for birthday sex.

 

 

The main themes are pleasuring your partner and doing whatever the fuck they want for the duration of their birthday. It's currently the 22nd where I'm at, so I can jump into the first round. If I accidentally blow my load too soon I should be good to go again soon and still fulfil the requirements without disqualifying myself from being the best damn birthday fuck on the planet.

 

Planning and foresight ✅

Ok, here goes.

 

On 02/08/2021 at 0:22 PM, soos_mite_ah said:

Different Sides to My Sexuality: Summer

Summer: 

I would describe this side of my sexuality as bold, energetic, more experimental, and rather overt. Summer is also more over the top and has this exaggerated sense of femininity. If it was an aesthetic, it would very much be something like drag where people take features that are associated with femininity and take it more towards the extreme for artistic and stylistic purposes. Summer is here for a fun, and adventurous time. Like Spring, there is an essence of light heartedness but unlike Spring, it doesn't have the wholesomeness attached to it rather it is more rooted in spontaneity.

I would say that out of all of the sides I'm going to be talking about, this is probably the side that I'm least connected with at this time. I would say I see this form of sexuality be represented in pop culture, particularly in music, more but for me, rather than embodying it at this time, I tend to admire from afar. Aesthetically, I always liked the whole baddie aesthetic. I love the bold colors, the fancy makeup, the ridiculously long nails, the hair, everything. I find the whole thing to be really artistic, expressive, and unapologetic. I especially like really long acrylic nails. However, I tried to get the once and even though I loved the way they looked, I simply couldn't function. Which gave me an even greater appreciation for them tbh because the women who can function with really long fake nails, they're on another level. 

Even though I'm not a party person and often times I feel kind of out of place in parties because I tend to gravitate towards smaller get togethers, one on one time, and solitude as an ideal way to spend my time, when I'm at a party, it better be lit. In my opinion, it isn't a party without dancing at least 5 people shaking their ass. Ok this is a tangent but once I went to a frat party in my predominantly white school and THERE WERE NO ONE DANCING AT THE PARTY. All I saw were a bunch of white people jump up and down to Eye Of The Tiger. I didn't see anyone twerk or even attempt to do so. Listen... I can appreciate all types of music. But if you put on 80s music or my emo playlist from middle school and high school or you play Summer Time Sadness, as much as I like LDR, I'm walking out. There is a time and place for that and this is neither the time or the place. If I'm at party yall better play some City Girls or at the very least some EDM. 

But anyway... although I'm not super connected to this side of my sexuality, I know it's there. I have this playlist that I call "Songs that make me feel like I can twerk." This playlist makes me feel like a bad bitch. I feel confident. I feel comfortable in my body. I am having fun. And I at times I convince myself into thinking that I can throw it back or dance only to be  reminded by a passing mirror that I look like Tina from Bob's Burgers. 

Whenever I try to twerk, there is no ass shaking. It's all back. Twerking is a life skill I have yet to master lmao. And honestly, when I'm listening to this playlist and I come to this realization, I can't even be upset because I can laugh it off and continue to have fun. Granted I do all of this at 3 am in the morning in my room alone when I can't sleep so there is that. I'm pretty sure I'd be mortified if someone I wasn't comfortable with saw me dancing like an absolute crack head. 

I feel like Megan thee Stallion unlocks a different side to my sexuality. I feel so hyped up when I listen to her music.

 

 

I have been known to shuffle like an absolute savage on occasion.

Don't think just move baby girl.

 

 

[soos_mite_ah]

3 hours ago, MuadDib said:

I'm a bit self-conscious of peoples opinions towards my methodology and preferences. Like who the fuck does this guy think he is? No experience yet all of a sudden he's an expert?

Basically me anytime I write in this journal 

3 hours ago, MuadDib said:

It's currently the 22nd where I'm at, so I can jump into the first round.

oh, my birthday is on the 22nd lol 

3 hours ago, MuadDib said:

I have been known to shuffle like an absolute savage on occasion.

Don't think just move baby girl.

 

 

Oh no... I just had a flashback to 2012. The shuffle and Gangnam Style were unavoidable. 

And honestly, I like my terrible dancing. My freestyle dance teacher would be so proud

 

[soos_mite_ah]

Being a Priority to Someone

I think when it comes to why its difficult to imagine myself in a romantic situation is because I'm not used to being a priority to people.

When it comes to friendships, I'm rarely, if ever, someone's best/closest friend. A lot of the time I'm like a tier 2 or tier 3 friend that people are cool with, have fun with, and even open up to, but I'm not really a person who comes to mind as far as "hey these are people who I consider some of my closest friends." I've also abandoned the notion of having a best friend because every time I considered someone that way, the feelings weren't mutual. Sure, they would consider me as a close or good friend but their best friend is always someone else. And I feel like my experience with college thus far exacerbated this because I have a shit ton of acquaintances and people I'm cool with but very few friends. 

When it comes to family, I don't really have any one in this country other than my parents. As far as extended family goes, it's difficult to create a bond when you barely see them. I've also had a bunch of relatives promise that they would visit me since my parents and I always visit them but then they never do. Don't get me wrong, they have legit reasons such as how difficult it is to get a visa to come to the U.S., but they never told me any of this growing up. They would just laugh it off and say "don't worry, I'm coming next year" which has always been a lie. They still give me false promises instead of being honest with me to this day. The last time I had any of my relatives visit me was before airport security was a thing.  It's been over 20 years.  

And romantically, well that shit is out of the question since my life is dry af when it comes to this. 

I'm not talking about being taken out to a fancy restaurant or planning out a really nice date. That's nice as far as knowing someone cares and is intentional, don't get me wrong, I guess what I'm trying to get at is that I've never had someone really take the time to get to know me and cherish the process of getting to know me by giving me a nonjudgmental space. 

And not to be judgmental but if a guy were to ever pull some type of romantic gesture or shower me with attention and compliments, worst case scenario I would just start getting teared up or at the very least not know what to do in those situations because that scenario is so unknown to me. Hell, I'm even getting emotional while writing this tbh. 

I don't expect to be anyone's top priority. We all have lives and shit to do. I get it and I'm the same way. I don't even think it's healthy to have your life revolve around a person for obvious reasons. But sometimes, I wish I was an important part of people's lives rather than an after thought. 

Lately, I've been having a recurring scenario come up in my head. It goes along like this:

I'm cuddled up next to a guy under a bunch of blankets. It's cozy and it might be right before we go to sleep or the first thing when we wake up. He's holding me close to him and I feel like I'm in this vulnerable space physically. I feel small in comparison to him and I feel his weight enveloping me. I feel his presence and I sense his acceptance by how he is choosing to embrace me. I feel safe and protected. While he is holding me close and firmly, he has one hand gently grazing my face and playing with my hair. He gazes into my face as though he is studying me and admiring me.

Every now and then he breaks this gaze and gently peppers a bunch of kisses on my face, tickles me, or nuzzles his face into my neck and shoulders. My reactions, expressions, and laughter brings him a lot of just wholesome joy as he sees my appreciation for his affection. And of course, I do the same back. There are little to no words that are exchanged. There is no need to. Our intentions and our emotions are clear. There is no over thinking. There is no second guessing. There is no additional work to be done to surrender to this present moment. We just are.

I then proceed to bury my face in his chest and doze off. He runs his fingers through my hair to help me fall asleep and then kisses me on the forehead. He rests his head on mine, hugs me tighter and then falls asleep himself. 

[soos_mite_ah]

Obsessions

I don't like to admit this because I'm afraid that this is going to come off as obsessive (which if I'm going to be real it is)  but whenever I do like someone, they do tend to occupy a lot of space in my mind. Like I enjoy making these fake romantic or sexual scenarios in my head that I switch to when I'm tired or bored throughout my day as a way of giving myself a sense of comfort and excitement. And if I have some type of relationship with this person (usually on a personal or acquaintance level), if I'm not thinking about a fake scenario, I'm usually thinking about our last interaction or how this person might be doing. 

I remember one time I was talking to one of my friends about this guy that I liked. I remember prefacing what I was about to say with "I know I talk about him a lot and I'm sorry for boring you to death" while laughing. This friend responded with "you really don't talk about him all that much. You probably brought him up with me probably one other time." I remember replying with "I guess it feels like I talk about him a lot since I do think about him a lot." 

I guess I'm really cognizant of any outwardly creepy tendencies I have of someone. Like I wouldn't dare incidentally stalk someone (i.e. conveniently show up in places I know they will be passively as if it's a part of my routine as well) though I am tempted to at times. I try not to stare at people and if I'm tempted to do so I just steal a couple of quick glances and nothing more. The last thing I want is for someone to feel like they are being preyed on. Like, I get  it's natural to want to be around people you like and look at them but I do want to remain mindful of how it can impact that person. 

I also know how some girls do this really weird thing where they try to act like they are taking a picture of themselves or a friend when really they are trying to take a picture of a cute stranger in the background just so they can talk about said stranger amongst themselves. I remember I had this friend in high school who was really attracted to one of her teachers. Tbh, I wasn't super interested in this topic because I have no idea what this man looked like and why tf so many girls were obsessing over it. I was also asexual at the time so there is that lol.  I remember one time after talking about this guy my friend was like *hey this time I got a picture of him, I was acting like I was taking a picture of the board and conveniently got a picture of him too on the side.* I immediately told this girl that what she was doing was creepy af. 

Another time in college, the roles were reversed and I found myself catching feelings for one of my teachers. I was talking about this with my friend at the time and she was like *now I'm curious as to what this guy looks like so I can have more context for the situation* and she suggested that I'd do the thing where I'd take a picture of the board and conveniently include him in there as well. I told her that this was some creepy shit and that even if it wasn't weird that there is no way I could get away with it because first of all, I sit at the front row and by the way that the room is set up is so that everyone would be able to see my screen and second of all, this man prints out all of his slides so if I were to take a picture of the slides despite already having a copy, shit would look really obvious and really sketchy. On top of that, I already had a sense of guilt for feeling what I was feeling towards this person. Overall, taking pictures of people without their consent is weird af and I'd be really creeped out if I caught anyone in the act of doing that shit to me.

Then there are the people who feel the need to stalk people's social media and hell even LinkedIn (that is hella weird to me). To a certain extent I get it but I know that this is one of the things that can easily dip into creepy category depending on context. Like a context where I find something like this acceptable is to just look over someone's profile before a first date to get some sense of who you might be dealing with. But idk, I feel like stalking someone's page can verge on creepy behavior. Taking screenshots and saving pictures definitely crosses that line even if you aren't interacting with them. Like even when it comes to people who have crushes on celebrities, I still find it weird when people make whole fan accounts thirsting over them. I get consuming their content and fangirling over their work but straight up fanfiction is a no lol imo. I also think the dehumanization of celebrities is something that is very normalized and accepted because of the way they are put on a pedestal but I think that's a separate topic for another post. Lets just say that if I ever become famous and I encounter someone who has written explicit fanfiction about me, I'd probably stay tf away from that person and be really uncomfortable. 

This is going to sound kind of weird but sometimes I feel like I'm doing too much and being really obsessive when I like someone even though I rarely, if ever, express things outwardly. I sometimes wonder if I ever had that kind of effect on a person where they would think of me throughout the day, the first thing in the morning, or the last thing at night. It's kind of difficult to imagine because I feel like the amount I think about people I like is an abnormal amount and normal people who have crushes don't think this much about their person. I also think this might also tie back to the whole "I don't really see myself as a priority to people" thing. And this isn't even limited to a sexual or romantic sense. One time I had my roommate mention that I came up in a conversation with one of their friends and there was a part of me that was a little surprised. Like *oh, I exist and people sometimes talk about me.* I guess in my head I go through life pretty much unnoticed or unremembered and I don't see myself having much of an impact on people much less when it comes to people having feelings for me. But then again, I don't think I want to know what the people who like me (if there are any) think about when they are thinking about me. I'm pretty sure that shit would probably leave me scarred lol.  

I think another factor as to why I tend to be strict with myself on this is how I didn't I had many opportunities to be transparent with my feelings for a person mainly because the feelings weren't mutual or in some cases appropriate. Because I know just how uncomfortable unwanted attention can be and unless I'm a 1000% sure that the other person feels the same way, I don't want to express my side of things out of consideration. 

[soos_mite_ah]

I'm currently in the mood for something that starts off as really giggly, innocent and playful. I'm talking kisses on the cheek and forehead, cuddling, tickling each other, nuzzling, wrestling, holding each other, running finders through each others hair, kissing each others hands etc. And then when I'm bright red that's when things take a sexier turn. 

Edited November 12, 2021 by soos_mite_ah

[soos_mite_ah]

Lessons from Platonic Relationships: People I Actually Resonate With 

There have been a handful of times in the semester where I have hung out with my friends and things felt so effortless and natural to the point where I managed to hang out with them for 5-8 hours straight. I normally identify as someone who is more on the introverted side of things but in those interactions, it isn't so much I shed my introversion rather I was enjoying myself so much to where I barely noticed my social battery completely dying. I was hanging out with one of my friends last week and I caught myself feeling sleepy at around 7 (we met up at 2 so it's been like 5 hours) and I just wrote it off as me having a messed up sleep schedule simply because I wanted to continue being around this person. Then by the time it was around 10 I was like *nope this is definitely my social battery running out because normally I'm not tired at this hour* and then I told this person that I really had to go to sleep. 

The first instance of this is with my current roommate. Granted because of our living situation we hang out and get food together frequently but I will say that I'm really good friends with this roommate and we clicked immediately. I've had a roommate before whom I didn't resonate with. We got along fine and didn't have any issues living together but (not to be mean) I wouldn't say that socializing with her was super fun and sometimes it felt a little forced. We simply weren't on the same wave length. While I did recognize that back then, there was also a part of me that judged me for "being awkward" when in reality, I was never awkward. I just didn't click with this person and that is ok. My current roommate on the other hand, one time we went thrift shopping together and then we got something to eat. Afterwards we had a movie marathon with a couple of their friends and they showed me their favorite monster movies. It was a really nice day and I really enjoyed myself. I didn't feel like I had to push a conversation along or that I had to come up with something to talk about. It just naturally happened. 

Another time with a different friend, I met up with him for lunch and then we went to the lake to feed the fish. I haven't seen him in years and we had a lot to catch up on. He's one of those people who I feel little to no judgement around so I was even able to share some of the more private things that I have been dealing with for the past year and a half. We also drove around a little bit and got ice cream as well. This is the friend that I was talking about in the first paragraph. 

Then there is another time where I met this girl and I got to talking to her because we were in the same class and we also lived in the same dorm. We would sometimes hang out after class and get dinner and often times I would meet with her first thing in the morning in the library so we would get some work done. I will be honest, I didn't click with this person right away but I will say that it was still good for me. Granted that you shouldn't force relationships but I do think there is a benefit of taking time to click with someone. I would say our friendship developed in a very healthy place and that it has gotten to the point where I can just be around this person for a few hours straight and not be drained. 

Finally, there is another girl that I met in one of my classes who I clicked with not exactly right away but at the same time it wasn't like this slow thing like the previous friend I talked about but it wasn't something that was instantaneous. I feel like it was going pretty slow but then I opened up about something that was slightly vulnerable while still keeping my boundaries. And things just kind of went from there. I would talk to this person 10 minutes before our class and 10 minutes after, longer if class was let out early. We finally had the chance to hang out out side of school for the first time. I met up with her to get dinner at around 7 and we pretty much talked til midnight. I feel like I intellectually resonate with her so well to where I didn't want to end the conversation and we lost track of time to where I had to remind her about the time. 

Now, why tf am I talking about my platonic relationships when this journal is mainly centered around romantic relationships and sexuality? Given the description I have given about the time that I spent with each of these people, I will say that they could have easily been framed as little dates I have been on. To be completely honest, there have been times after these interactions where there is a thought that would cross my head and that thought it "I wish that the dates I've gone on with guys flowed so effortlessly. I wish that I really resonated with them the way that I resonate with the people I hang out with." I could go into more in depth with why that is so but I don't want to stray from the point too much. The point that I'm trying to make is that in the end of the day, human relationships are human relationships, platonic or otherwise. I remember that when I was in therapy that I brought up to my therapist about how I wanted to unpack somethings regarding my dating life and she immediately started with asking about my friendships. And she explained to me that she's taking this approach because the way that we approach how we relate to people often isn't isolated to the platonic field or the romantic field or hell even the professional field  and that certain patterns bleeds out everywhere. I've also always heard on how people who are bad friends are often also bad romantic partners as well and I think when you utilize the logic I talked about previously about common patterns, things make more sense. 

I think what each of these instances along with the friendships I have made this semester has taught me is how to recognize when I authentically click with someone and how to build relationships in a more sustainable way that is well paced. I feel like before in college, there was this desire I had to project this sense of social competence because in my mind I saw myself as this awkward duck way back since elementary/middle school. And I had this very narrow idea of what social competence looked like as well. In a nut shell, I saw being socially competent as being that social butterfly that becomes good friends with everyone in the room and having this larger than life personality . I expanded on the social competence, my misconceptions around it, and how I internalized it/ worked through it in a bunch of other posts from my previous journal: 

As a result of this limiting belief, I found myself forcing a lot of platonic relationships that simply weren't working, not because there was something wrong with me or the other person, but because we simply didn't click (and I wasn't in an environment where I had a lot of things in common with people so I was essentially on an up hill climb). And after years of that, it gets hard not to internalize the idea that there is something wrong with socially you or that. And I'm sure there are parallels with what I'm describing and with dating because lessons that you learn on dealing with people doesn't just stay in one area of your life. 

[soos_mite_ah]

Lessons from Platonic Relationships: Date Your Best Friend 

I have a friend who is currently engaged to a guy she's been dating for almost 5 years now. I've also met her now fiancé on a few occasions and from what I get from both of them is that they are both very stable, grounded, consistent, and put together people. Normally, I would have objections to getting married so young but knowing them, I have more of a leeway because if anyone in my life could pull this sort of thing off, it's probably them. My only concern is perhaps logistical stuff when it comes to what they want from life and say if things change in a few years regarding priorities and that causes issues. But as far as their relationship and dynamic goes, it's very healthy and loving. But from what I've seen in my life, a healthy and loving relationship isn't enough for something like marriage. It's the bare minimum and there is so many other things that goes into it as well. 

When I first started dating initially, she was pretty supportive and she was a nice sanity check for the experiences I was having. She would tell me over and over on how it's important to have that foundation of friendship and be genuinely comfortable around each other and not play games, how yall should be a part of each other's lives but not the whole of it, similar to how you deal with your friends. It was a way of helping me calm down before dates and not over think things but at the same time not write off any red flags (because if you wouldn't tolerate something with a friend, why tf would you tolerate the same thing with a significant other). She would often describe on how being in a relationship with this guy doesn't feel all that different from when they were friends with the exception that they are more physical with each other. 

Just as a little background, she and this guy met when they were kids. He had a crush on her when they were 12 or so but she rejected him. He moved on emotionally and never got really weird and needy because he had his own life. A few years passed and they continued being friends.  They both dated other people and even got into other relationships. By the time they were 17, the feelings were mutual and they started dating. And now they are engaged. 

Basically, when I think about this situation as well as the relationships I built with my friends above, I feel like relationships are work in the sense of you need to put yourself out there, figure out how to make time with each other, and follow up with it to nurture that connection, but it isn't work in the sense that you have to do this dance in order to get them to like you. Keeping a conversation going and getting to know a person shouldn't be this thing where you're like *oh shit, what do I say next, I don't want to  make things weird.* That is, if you actually click with this person. I would also characterize  attraction as both something that can build over time and that can be instantaneous. Again, it's kind of how I described clicking with someone in the previous post. At the same time, I wouldn't always bank on slow burn attraction building mainly because it's important to have your own life and I feel like this can fuel the whole "nice guy" phenomenon where guys get weirdly obsessed with a girl and tries to befriend her with ulterior motives (like please, have a life, it doesn't even have to be pertain to your romantic life, just have other things going on). But at the same time, I wouldn't write this off either because sometimes when we hyper focus on instantaneous attraction, we are prioritizing what our emotional pain bodies are saying and gravitate towards a high someone gives us instead of something that is stable and sustainable. 

 I know this probably doesn't help because of how it isn't blatantly tangible but when it comes to discerning a connection and discerning healthy dynamics has to do with familiarity to those dynamics. The best way I would describe it is that it's comparing a cocaine high to eudemonic high you get after working out or eating healthy. The first is this exciting rush with these dramatic highs and lows. The second situation, you do feel good in the moment and it might or might not click immediately, but as time moves on you build that momentum because it isn't something that happens overnight. I guess my biggest issue with cold approaching vs building something via social circle. I feel like pick up can take advantage of the volatility of the emotional highs and lows to build something on the spot (since there is no initial foundation) which then can often lead to dysfunction on both sides (because  a lot of messed up people use emotional highs and lows to get someone addicted). Because from my experience, attraction that has a good foundation is attraction that is sustained for a longer period of time (I'm planning a separate post on that). 

I think another good quote to sum things up is this:

Quote

If you meet somebody and your heart pounds, your hands shake, your knees go weak, that's not the one. When you meet your 'soul mate' you'll feel calm. No anxiety, no agitation 

   

Edited November 22, 2021 by soos_mite_ah

[soos_mite_ah]

I found a really good video about hypersexuality that I thought would be perfect for this journal. I have journaled about this topic in the past and I don't have much experience with this topic but nevertheless find in interesting and I think it's really important to be educated about: 

[soos_mite_ah]

@lxlichael glad it helped 

[soos_mite_ah]

The Soulmate AU

I wrote a post about Coffee Shop AUs in fanfiction and how that relates to the way that I view my romantic life. I also keep running into these posts on tiktok where people joke about how your favorite fanfiction growing up trope says something about yourself. Some common romantic tropes include enemies to lovers, childhood friends, coffee shops, and the accidentally sharing a bed awkwardly that eventually turns into waking up into each others arms trope. The soulmate trope usually along the lines of when you finally meet the one you finally start aging or seeing in color, or you have a certain mark on your body and your soulmate also has the same mark, or you're given some kind of count down until you meet your soulmate etc.

And I know these people are joking but sometimes tiktok has this thing where the algorithm knows me too well to where I'm just left feeling personally called out. A lot of the people who would joke about the soulmate AU talk about how people who had this trope as their favorite growing up probably thought that people would never love them unless there was some type of divine intervention that would make things like this fated. It's that and needing a sense of predictability in their love lives as an indication of knowing when they have met someone who they have a healthy relationship with.  And I think that checks as someone who has a hard time imagining people seeing me in a desirable light and prioritizing me romantically as well as someone who didn't grow up with a good representation of what a healthy adult relationship looks like. I also think my attraction to this trope when I was 12 foreshadowed the way that I currently use astrology and tarot as a coping mechanism since I have no idea where my life is currently going. 

Also, this is a tangent but currently I'm sitting in a coffee shop in my home town because I went back home during Thanksgiving. The place where this coffee shop is located is in the historic district of this small down and currently it's all decorated for Christmas. I lowkey feel like I'm in a Hallmark movie where you have a female protagonist who lives in the city, who has come back to their small town for the holidays and who eventually is just hanging out in town when they meet a guy they like (who is probably a childhood friend and/or someone the main character hates initially) and who makes them slow down in life and appreciate the small things.  

[soos_mite_ah]

Femininity YouTube Channels 

Lately on TikTok I have been encountering a lot of people who talk about feminism talk about femininity channels and more specifically black femininity channels. A lot of the main critiques are on how femininity is becoming a performance, how adhering to traditional gender roles just to be respected isn't liberating because you deserve to be respected regardless of how you express yourself as a woman, and how this further reinforce the limitations that women have when it comes to authentic self expression. And these things have even more layers and baggage attached to it when you take into consideration the role of white supremacy and the way that women of color, specifically black women, have had their femininity come into questioned as a way to further oppress them historically.  I don't disagree with these at all and I think these are very valid points. However, I wouldn't say that this was my experience entirely and I want to talk about that more. 

I would say that I have gained a lot from watching femininity related content but I did encounter a lot of bs along the way as well. My "feminine journey" if you will (god that sounds kind of cringe lol) started when I was about 15 or so. Up until then I was a huge tomboy mainly because when I was a kid, the whole "I'm not like other girls (NLOG)" phenomenon was presented as empowering because you were getting away from traditional gender roles when really there was a lot of toxicity around that mindset that people didn't start unpacking until later (I stg the NLOG trope was everywhere in the late 90s and early 2000s). I also had a mother who painted things that were traditionally feminine like doing your hair and makeup, liking the color pink, getting dressed up as something that was all about pleasing men and would go on about how people who engaged in such things were superficial and dumb (including men who embraced their femininity, she often makes fun of guys who even look feminine tbh).

 I realized  that I had a lot of internalized misogyny in me and that also was impacting relationships I had with other women at the time. This was especially important because I started going to a high school that was 2/3 female. For me, exploring my femininity meant that I was going to get outside of my comfort zone as far as my gender expression went to explore a side of myself I didn't always embrace. It also meant dismantling my internalized misogyny. It really just started with me growing out my hair and trying to figure out how to dress in a way that I wanted to express myself as. I also started to wear wedges and heels on a regular basis because it made me feel really good and confident (that's a whole nother topic lol). In addition to my self expression, I also started noticing on how I was raised by both of my parents to be emotionally unavailable, how I dismissed emotions and intuition and didn't see the rationality in them, and how traits that are associated with femininity like being vulnerable and soft were seen as a weakness. I started noticing on how that was really toxic for me and that's where a lot of the inner work began for me. And then I started getting exposed to the whole spiritual side of things regarding the divine feminine. 

I would say that YouTube did play a role in the way all of this was unfolding particularly starting from when I was 17/18 or so. It was definitely the place where I was getting ideas and content and it led me down many different rabbit holes, some bad, some absolutely awful, and some actually pretty good.  

Rabbit hole #1: Alt Right Trad Wife Pipeline. 

I initially started out with Anna Bey's channel. I just noticed a lot of her old videos are private/deleted but basically I gravitated towards her because I liked her outlook on fashion in the way that in a lot of her videos talked about buying things with quality materials, how to know whether or not clothes fit you right, etc. Her videos are rather click baity for my tastes, but I remember binging her content for a couple of weeks out of morbid curiosity regarding how to be bougie. She does come off as rather judgmental at times but tbh it feels more entertaining imo (again, it's probably the morbid curiosity talking).  Tiffany Ferg recently made an insightful video on the whole "looking expensive" trend that really articulated my thoughts on this subject really well. While I highly doubt I "look expensive" I will say that this side of YouTube has really helped me look put together to where a lot of people assume I have my life together. 

But next thing I know I was getting recommended with trad wife content. I would say the most notable would be Mrs. Midwest's content. I binged her content for a couple of days out of morbid curiosity because it seemed like a mess. And I think on some level it was really educational, not in a *this is the type of femininity I want to implement* rather it was along the lines of *this is what femininity looks like under white supremacy, Christianity and Eurocentric standards.* It was an interesting case study to say the least and I would even say that it helped understand where a lot of conservative white women were coming from and this helped me deal with some people in my really white, conservative university. Also, while I was trying to find my own sense of femininity that I did encounter quite a few really stage blue channels that were approaching femininity in unhealthy ways. And I would say that after watching some of these videos and critiques of these videos that I got much better at knowing what red flags there are that I need to look out for. It also helped catch when the algorithm was about to point me in weird directions as well and I think that's a good skill to have regardless of what you're looking into because it enhances media literacy 

Rabbit hole #2: Hypergamy 

This mainly consisted of a bunch of really small channels at the time (think less than a 100k) and I kept getting recommended these videos. It was really shady to say the least, basically the female equivalent to pick up. I want to emphasize that and how small a lot of these communities were before the incels get over hear and have shit to say. These sources really felt like they were painting this caricature of men and reinforcing as well as normalizing a lot of toxic behaviors on both sides. And just as a general rule of thumb when it comes to videos on femininity/masculinity and dating advice, regardless of who the target audience is, if the source in question is having this *men are from Mars, women are from Venus* mindset where they paint the sexes almost like different species along stereotypes and/or the source in question has a very low consciousness definition of what it means to be a "high value man" or "high value woman" RUN! A lot of these sources aren't going to give you good insight towards human behavior as a whole and if they do have something insightful to say, it's going to be wrapped with a lot of bs that you're going to have to carefully weed through.  I talked about some of this before in a thread I started about understanding pick up a while back: 

Rabbit hole #3: Black Femininity YouTube 

When I started being more mindful of the white supremacy that was hidden in femininity content, YouTube started giving me a lot of content from black creators. I would say from my observations, that a huge portion of femininity content on YouTube in general is geared toward black women in mind as the targeted audience. I thought this was a very interesting phenomenon. Before I get into this, I just want to say that even though I am a woman of color, there is only so much I can understand about femininity in black communities because I lack direct experience. So as a result, I have these observations in these videos I was watching and I knew some context given how I have tried educate myself, however I lack sufficient amounts of personal experience to really have an insightful take. 

 I found this to be a mixed bag given the content my algorithm pushed. I found some sources that were vaguely racist and that would really pick at some insecurities I know are present in women of color (especially black women) in their communities. Some examples would include talking about how some women are too loud and how really long acrylic nails are unfeminine. While these things by themselves don't seem like much, when you look at the context, there is a racial undertone that is there. I found these video critiques to be really valid

At the same time, there were also other sources that came in with the mindset of how  femininity needs to be redefined by women of color, how there were many different ways of embracing your femininity, and how women of color need to reclaim their femininity in the face of a system that doesn't take their femininity seriously and expects them to embody this archetype of the "strong black women" instead of allowing the expression of hurt and vulnerability. It's about setting boundaries with yourself and others, not settling for subpar romantic and platonic relationships, allowing yourself to ask for help, and reclaim the softness that you were discouraged from embracing because it seemed to threatening. 

I used to really binge Asha Christina's content. I think for most people it's a good foundation regarding defining and exerting your boundaries/standards, assuring that you stay / seek out respectful situations, knowing when to walk away from situations that don't serve you, and not making excuses for people. I have since stopped consuming her content because I found myself outgrowing it because even though her content is a really good foundation for people who are generally clueless when it comes to dating, it can be rather rigid tbh. Overall, a lot of healthy orange with the general limitations of orange. 

I really like The Feminine Fancy's content as well. I find her personality to be really refreshing and I love how insightful she is about a variety of topics that I feel are things that a lot of people that deal with but from a more feminine lens. To me, she has a really good balance with content that is fun like fashion and design but also really perceptive when it comes to talking about things people deal with in their 20s. Overall, I like her content because I really like her energy. 

Finally, there is Karine Aloude. When I first found her content,  I thought that she had a really diverse idea of femininity. I discovered her through her femininity around the world series where she talked about how femininity shows up in different parts of the world, issues that women have to deal with internationally, and different perspectives on femininity by looking at different traditions. However, she has since taken down that series mainly because she was trying to do a video on South Africa and things started getting messy as far as different perspectives and the political conflicts in that area. And while her content was never problematic, she did come out and say that there is only so much she can know by talking to people and studying without direct experience. She also does analysis on people and characters where she looks at how their femininity shows up in a very individual and personal way as well as lessons her viewers can take to develop a healthier relationship to their femininity. Overall, I love how she doesn't paint femininity in a broad stroke with a lot of hard and fast rules. 

Edited November 29, 2021 by soos_mite_ah