The Female Gaze

[soos_mite_ah]

 

[soos_mite_ah]

Not Writing in this Journal / Cringe 

I decided to close one of my journals since it was getting too long and it was getting difficult to navigate. I also decided to close up that journal because I felt like I changed a lot from when I first started it and I wanted to start a new journal as a clear demarcation for this new place I'm at in my life. I also wanted to use the demarcation as a separation of sorts because I'm experiencing a healthy dose of cringe from my previous content. 

And now that I think of it more, yes that cringe was coming from that journal but I also feel like a lot of it is coming from here as well so I want to reflect on that. I read through much of my writing in this journal and I have some thoughts. 

1. Sex feels very mundane and doesn't really occupy my mind much. 

• I tried to watch porn for the first time in a while. Not surprisingly, it felt kind of boring because of the way it's not really shot in a way to appeal to women. I journaled about this in the past: 

  • On 8/3/2021 at 5:02 PM, soos_mite_ah said:

    Second there is the boredom aspect of it. I mentioned that porn made me bored out of my god damn mind earlier in this post. While me identifying as asexual has a huge part in it, I think the male gaze also has a large impact. There is a quote that I feel sums things up well. It goes along the lines of "when you watch porn, you're not watching a man and a woman, you're watching a penis and a vagina." And that really resonates with me. A lot of straight porn feels like it's devoid of connection and chemistry. It also doesn't do a good job on depicting pleasure for women because that isn't the audience that is usually kept in mind during shooting. I remember reading and article on why straight women often prefer lesbian porn over straight porn. A lot of it has to do with how lesbian porn has more of an emphasis on foreplay, giving/receiving oral, and things that actually make women cum. I mean, most women don't climax with penetration alone and when it comes to straight porn, penetration is the main thing that is depicted. 

    Also related to the boredom aspect, there isn't much of an emphasis on the guy at all. Half of the time the guy is fucking ugly and the other half of the time he's just a penis and there is nothing that is there that would appeal to a woman's senses in the situation of watching a video. And as a result, I find myself getting bored and critiquing the interior design of the set and why the curtains don't match the rug literally. I would also say that blow job scenes do absolutely nothing for me. I think it would be fun to give one but watching someone else give one is boring. I would say that I wish they had a female pov but honestly, I just end up thinking about this meme about what you see vs what she sees: 

• But also, I think since I have sex more regullarly since first starting this journal, it just became part of life really. Sure it's enjoyable but it isn't this elusive, special thing that I want to psychoanalyze.  I also don't usually think of sex anymore unless I have been away from my partner for a while. I remember before entering this relationship it was one of those things that was constantly on my mind but I'm glad that I have more mental space now lol. 
• I'm embarrassed about horny posting a few times in this journal years ago. I'm going to go into talking about privacy in a minute but with a greater emphasis of privacy I have now in these matters, it feels kind of cringe to just be horny posting. Granted, I remember this being worse but as I read through this journal I probably found less than 10 posts where I found myself cringing at. That's not too bad since this journal has more than 180 posts. I'm not even going to bother deleting these posts becuase even though it's not an accurate reflection of who I am now, it was an accurate reflection at a certain point of time and I want to own up to it even though it is a little cringe. 
  • I think when you're in your late teens / early 20s it's pretty normal at that stage to be talking about and thinking about sex a lot even in more crude ways. I think it's more to do with sex being a relatively new thing for most people at that age and they're beginning to think more critically about it and figure it out for themselves. But I feel like as you get older, you have figured out much of this for yourself, and you have a more long term partner that discussing this feels like you're making a big deal out of the mundane and that you want to prioritize privacy more. 

2. I'm hesitant to talk about my sexuality and my challenges when it comes to sex in this journal since I have been with my current partner for a while and I want to respect his privacy. I have encountered a few challenges here and there when it came to our sex lives from differing drives, physical health concerns, and just some of weird messages I have internalized from this forum and being exposed to pick up related content. I guess I have been hesitant to write about sex, not because I think it's dirty, shameful, immoral, or something I'm supposed to keep hidden away but because a lot of my experiences do closely involve another person in my life. I guess it's more about the way I go about explaining things and the amount of personal information I unveil on the internet. Maybe some things are best to journal privately first and then figure out how much I want to be open with. 

3. I'm not as kinky as I thought I was way back when. I wrote about this numerous other journal posts but one thing I didn't really touch on is how the sexualization of fear doesn't resonate with me at all. I wrote in earlier posts on how there was a part of me that felt turned on by being a little nervous and tensed up and I feel like that's not the case anymore. I was writing from a place of anticipation and lack of experience and now that I'm more comfortable with myself and I know how I carry myself in these situations due to more experience, it simply doesn't appeal to me. 

[RendHeaven]

On 12/31/2022 at 6:12 PM, soos_mite_ah said:

I have taken the BDSM test many times over the years but I thought I'd take it again because I have more data/personal experience to go off of. I never had super crazy results on this test but I never tested 100% for vanilla lol. I feel like this is pretty accurate given what I know about myself so far.  I didn't include the rest of it because it would be too long for no reason since everything else was in the single digits. 

This is so fire now I gotta send this test to all my friends

[soos_mite_ah]

Self-Consent and Internalized Messages

One thing that this website and pickup messaging made me feel was that sex and sexual acts were a requirement in a romantic relationship. That if you’re not pleasing your man sexually, then they have no point in being with you. And I am aware that this is very objectifying and transactional way of looking at relationships yet that is the messaging that I found myself internalizing after viewing pickup related content. I have debated whether or not to post this because I want to preserve the privacy of my partner even though this is an anonymous internet forum. But after writing this, I thought that this is important to share given the influence of pick up on this forum and because I did censor out the more private/personal parts of my sexual relationship.

I have been with my current partner for 2.5 years now. We started dating back in May 2022 and we didn’t have sex until August 2023 even though we did do other things in the meantime. Much of it was down to me feeling anxious in my body and afraid of getting pregnant despite using protection and being on birth control because of the abortion ban in Texas. I was afraid of the possibility of something going wrong, like the condom breaking or me taking my birth control to early or late, and that resulting in a pregnancy that would ruin my life. I'm 100% sure that I wouldn't have waited this long had Roe v. Wade not been over turned. I felt ready to have sex in this relationship like 3 months in but I just didn't feel physically safe due to the overturning.  

We started having sex once a month, a week before my period. During the week of my period, when taking birth control, I’m on some placebo pills. The placebo pills don’t prevent pregnancy, so you can get pregnant on that week, but they are there to regulate your menstrual cycle and so you can have your period that week. We would have sex the week before the placebo pills so I would still be on birth control but I wouldn’t be waiting too long before I got my period. I knew that I wanted to have the confirmation of having my period within a few days having sex. That way I wasn’t going to be anxious for 2+ weeks after having sex to see if my period was going to come.

The first 3-4 times doing this, I was anxious after sex. Despite taking precautions, I felt like I couldn’t trust my body since the safety net of abortion, the last resort emergency solution, was taken from me. After doing this a few times, I found myself feeling comfortable with my body and not being anxious about the possibility of pregnancy anymore. After that, my partner and I started having sex about 2x a month. I brought this up with my partner and how I felt about not having sex more often. I felt like this was fine for my sex drive, but I felt this pressure since I had this thing in my mind that told me that most couples have sex 2-3x a week. He told me that he wished that we could have it more often, but it wasn’t something that was particularly bothering him.

To be fair, we don’t live together, and we see each other about twice a week. He spends the night at my place like once or twice a month. We’re not one of those couples who are attached at the hip due to geographical difference and due to having a life lol. I feel like we would be having sex more frequently if we lived together. But that is not to say we’re not affectionate with one another. We’re always kissing and cuddling when we’re around each other. He told me that us having sex like once or twice a month was alright and is what works for us as a couple and that we shouldn’t be comparing ourselves to other people.

I think I internalized this fantasy of what a relationship should look like based on the experiences of what people in this forum expressed as ideal. It’s not that there is anything wrong with expressing that a person might want to have sex more frequently, like a few times a week, but it's more so this assertion that you can’t have a relationship without it. There were a handful of times where I felt like I had to have sex even though I didn’t feel like it, because I was afraid that I was depriving my partner since we haven’t had sex in a while. There were a couple times when my partner caught that I was forcing myself to have sex and had to tell me that I don’t have to do anything I don’t want to do and we just opted to cuddle for the rest of the night instead. There were also a couple times where I was having some difficulties physically and I didn’t want to go on and he reassured me saying that he’s in this relationship because he cares about me and not because of whether he can have sex with me. He said that he would still love me and want to be in a relationship with me even if we never have sex again. 

I can’t say that this felt incredibly romantic. It isn’t romantic for someone to tell you that you don’t have to do anything you don’t feel comfortable with and that they will still love you even if you don’t have sex with them. That’s just being a decent person who doesn’t want to violate the person they love and doesn’t view the relationship as transactional. It’s the bare minimum. But, I will say, it felt reassuring more than anything else. It felt like a reality check I needed to cleanse myself of the misogynistic brain rot the alpha males of the internet have spewed. I understood early on before getting exposed to this content that sex means something different for different people. It can carry varying degrees of importance in a relationship, which is why it’s important to find someone who is compatible in that way. For some people, sex is a really important part of a relationship. For others, it’s not as important and it’s a nice bonus. But in the same way that pickup makes you think there is only one way to be attractive as a woman, it does also make you think there is only one way to be in a (let’s be real, heterosexual) relationship.

That fucked me up for a while. I would say that my partner honors consent with me better than me honoring consent from myself. There were times where I felt insecure about my sexual performance because I didn’t want to have sex super frequently and because I had some physical issues here and there that made sex uncomfortable. And I always knew porn wasn’t an accurate depiction of sex. Most of those positions just look uncomfortable even if they look good on camera. But I still felt like I was somehow underperforming in this relationship or being a bad girlfriend because I wasn’t this confident and competent sex god that is capable to doing various acrobatics and twisting myself into a pretzel.

 It took me a minute but eventually I got to a place where I made peace that my partner and I are both alright with the frequency we were having sex and that I shouldn’t get wrapped up in the potential performance of expectations of what other couples may or may not be doing. It mainly took reassurance from my partner and me distancing my intake of the alpha male/ pick up type of content since it wasn’t healthy for me and was setting unrealistic expectations given the context of this relationship. 

Edited January 2, 2025 by soos_mite_ah

[soos_mite_ah]

 

[soos_mite_ah]

 

Grooming and Being Groomed

I remember having a phase in like middle school (like age 12-14) where I got really into Pretty Little Liars. I think I mainly lost interest after one of the seasons started taking the plot in directions that got absurd and they were doing plot twists for the sake of plot twists. I feel like this video was not only a way of revisiting the nostalgia from a show that i loved but also analyzing it from the lens of my 13 year old self and comparing it to what I think now at 25 particularly in the topic of age gap relationships. 

I think looking back, many people look at this show as a text book definition of how NOT to portray an age gap relationship on screen for an impressionable audience. I think the video above did a really good job breaking down every element of this, from the way that the couples were portrayed in the plot, the settings they were portrayed in romantic lighthearted way, the way that the narrative was framed to get the audience to root for them, and common grooming tactics that were played of as normal in a romantic dynamic. I also learned more about the fandom and how they treated the age gap dynamic. I didn't know how creepy the writers were even off screen and how that translated in the way that they created merch and interacted with their fans on social media. 

I remember looking at both Wren and Spencer and Ezra and Aria as scandelous when I first watched the show at like 12/13. But I remember that the whole show felt scandelous because of the plot twists, the general drama between the characters, and the creepy murder mystery vibes. It's like the scandelous elements of those relationships blended in with the rest of the show. On top of that, I think it's important to recognize WHY I thought these relationships were scandelous at age 13. I thought Wren and Spencer was scanadelous because it's fucked up to sleep with your sister's fiance. And I thought Ezra and Aria's relationship was scandelous because it's a teacher/student dynamic. At that age, I was not thinking about the age gap at all and if anything I think I remember thinking the girls were fucked up for being in these dynamics because the show really does portray them as the pursuers rather than acknowledging these guys as the creeps and manipulators they were. Spencer and Aria didn't know better regarding the reprucussions of such relationships and the exploitative nature of them at their age of like 15-17 and neither did I as a middle schooler. I'm going to be honest, at that age, getting pursued by a guy whose in his like early to mid 20s did seem sexy because when you're surrounded by 14 year old boys, guys in their early 20s look like they have their lives together.

Also,  the actors in real life were closer in age with each other compared to the characters they portrayed. And as a result, visually the dynamic doesn't seem as jarring. Especially with Ezra and Aria, I remember thinking both of them were attractive and as a result looked great together, totally ignoring the context of that relationship. And the video does a great job in going into the ways that the relationship was portrayed to make it seem less predatory. I also caught myself thinking about the portrayal of another age gap relationship I saw on screen which is the movie Priscilla, about the story of Priscilla Presley and her relationship to Elvis. 

Priscilla did a really good job at showing why this age gap relationship would feel glamorous for a teenager while not glamorizing the relationship to the audience. You can see what Priscilla saw in Elvis while as the viewer feeling how uncomfortable, awkward, tense, and just down right weird and dark ther realtionship was. I think if I remember correctly, Priscilla was 14 and Elvis was 24 when they met. Sophia Coppola did a really good job of creating this nuanced atmosphere in the movie. I remember feeling groomed while watching this movie and recognizing the predatory, unsettling nature of it. But looking back at Pretty Little Liars and the analysis of it, at my age it feels unsettling, not only because I know better but because of the way that it sneakily was portrayed in a positive light that was undetectable to most of the audience during the time in which the show aired. Priscilla felt unsettling in the moment while Pretty Little Liars feels unsettling in retrospect.  

Relating this back to real life, even if you're not trying to catch a case, the thought of dating someone older when you're in your teen years seemed aspirational at the time. I have this memory of this girl that I was in the 8th grade with (so we're like 13/14 years old). She was like this stereotypical pretty girl who could probably get any guy she wanted. She was 13 and she was dating someone who was 16. I remember thinking that she was so cool and so pretty that she could fit in with and date older guys and meanwhile I'm here looking awkward and I can't even get my crush to notice me. Looking back, I don't envy this girl at all because of the number of sketchy situations she ended up in and how her parents were pretty negligent on so many aspects of her life. I don't see what she went through as cool or aspirational rather I just feel gross and awful for her and the trauma she likely got from that. 

Ii have been thinking about this since I hit 18 but preying on kids who are younger than you or in a very different place in life than you is peak weirdo behavior. I remember turning 18 and going to college, and thinking about how weird it would be if I were to date a 16 year old who is a sophomore in highschool. I remember turning 21 and thinking how weird it would be to date an 18 year old. And I think that as I get older, this visceral reaction to not prey on younger people gets stronger. I cannot imagine being 25 now and trying to be friends with, let alone date and have sex with a teenager like the guys in this show. Not only that, I can't imagine wanting to thrist after a guy who is significantly older than me, especially now that I have my own money, I am supporting myself financially with no problem, and I have stable life on so many levels.  Basically, when I think of age gap relationships, regardless of whether I envision myself as the older or younger party, I feel like this cat right here. 

[soos_mite_ah]

Posts From My Main Journal 2025:

I feel like I don't really post on this journal because in my mind it feels like a dead journal of sorts. But I feel like I have brought this back to life recently and it's been interesting to see my relationship to my desires mostly from July 2021 to May 2022 and how it relates to where I'm at in my journey now. There are some things from back then that I feel are cropping back up again but over all, I have enjoyed revisiting these reflections.

• It's been interestings to see how my views on gender, sexuality, and desires have been shaped over the years, especially given that the big difference from then and now is my current romantic relationship (I met him around the time I stopped regularly posting on here). 
• It's been interesting watching me piece together and process things back then. I kind of feel like a proud older sister watching her sibling figure life out. 
• It's been interesting to see what I still need to integrate and what challenges I find myself grappling with a new layer of years later. I'ts interesting to see the parallels and to feel seen by them. 

I also wanted to link  a few posts from my main journal that I feel can find a home here as well. 

 

[soos_mite_ah]

Using Marriage and Kids as a Short Cut 

I know historically I have used this journal as focusing on sex and relationships but I think this topic is relationship and romance adjacent so I decided to put it here rather than my main journal. 

I'm in my mid twenties and so far, it's been an interesting time. I have met people my age and younger who have gotten married and hell, popped out a kid or two. I think part of it is just me living in Texas lol. I wouldn't say that any of these people are my close friends, mainly just acquaintences, coworkers, and people I went to highschool with who I haven't talked to in almost 10 years. So it isn't hitting super hard yet. But I am starting to feel some pressure around this topic. I wrote about this previously here: 

While the external, explicit pressures for women to get married and have kids are very real such as relatives nagging you, podcast bros comparing you to expired milk once you turn 25 and have not yet gotten married, people saying you're gonna die alone with cats etc. are very real, I also think that not enough people talk about the implicit pressures to have kids and get married.

I think a lot of one's social support is expected to come from the nuclear family after you graduate from school and that friendship and community are an after thought. If anything, I feel like a lot of people see the nuclear family as a kind of pseudo-community. But the reason why I saw pseudo is because I don't think that it's wise to isolate yourself to your romantic partner as the only person who is one of your peers. That can put a lot of people in vulnerable and sometimes even dangerous situations. It's also, not great to put all your eggs in one basket and expect your significant other to be your everything. That puts a lot of pressure on them. Also, while kids take up a lot of time and energy, and they are a huge source of connection and love, there just certain things that you cannot emotionally get from a child. And big thing is reciprocity because you are in the caregiver role. And let's say you had the best case scenario wher you have an amazing partner and you have a great family life. But once those kids grow up and start building separate lives with their peers, you're gonna be back in square one with no community as you deal with empty nester syndrome because you put all your eggs in the marriage and kids basket. 

I also feel like there are a lot of people who opt to get married / having kids as a short cut to meaning, purpose, and fulfillment in their lives. That's not to say that these cannot be fulfilling endeavors, but I'm of the view that kids and a spouse shouldn't bring you fulfillment rather you need to build a fulfilling life so that you can share that and pour into the spouse and kids. And I don't blame people for seeing this as a short cut. Raising kids is an 18 year long journey and when you're preoccupied with something like that, I'm sure it cause you to drown out any other existential crisis you may be having because you need to focus on taking care of another person and because a large chunk of your life has been mapped out for you solely based on this one decision. I think a lot of people do not have proper long term goals and as a result, they feel a little aimless once the structure of school is taken out of the equation. That's why you have the joke that once you get to your mid twenties, so many people are going to grad school, training for marathons, getting married, or going to Japan. Again, I don't think that having kids is not a worthwhile long term goal. I just don't think it should be your only long term goal for a lifetime.

I just don't think that expecting kids to help you with your existential crisis is smart because you're expecting a baby who cannot even walk yet to solve your adult problems. If anything, they're probably gonna multiply it. I really hate the concept of people "having a baby to fix their marriage"  or people marrying off their sons because they failed to raise them and they think giving him the responsibility of a wife and family is going to make him into an actualized man because the wife will keep him in line. I do think there is a chance that having a kid or getting married can have a positive influence in your life in the way that it can give  you structure and an incentive to behave responsibly. I don't think that the solution to everything is decreasing stress and life's challenges. Sometimes, adding more challenges in your life can help you improve other aspects of your life. I know stories of single moms who were wilding out when they were young and then once they have a kid, it radically changed them for the better. But I also know a whole lot more stories of traumatized, unactualized people having kids and getting married and that adding fuel to the fire which then gets other people burned. And as a result, I don't think that marriage and kids should be the antidote to other issues even though lifes challenges can help people because there is a much larger risk of things going wrong. Which then brings me back to the importance of having proper long term goals that give you structure and going the actual work of finding meaning and purpose in your life outside of romance and children. 

Edited November 20, 2025 by soos_mite_ah

[soos_mite_ah]

Reflecting on My Sexual Bucket List 

I have been going through this journal and I came across this post and wanted to reflect a little bit. The desires in red are ones that I no longer care about. The desires in green are ones I still want to experience. And the desires in blue are the ones I have tried.

On 12/31/2022 at 3:03 AM, soos_mite_ah said:

Future Romantic and/or Sexual Experiences I Want to Have 

Threesome: I think I want to experience both kinds of threesomes just once. I don't think I would be really into it because while it looks good on screen, I feel like it would feel busy and chaotic irl. But, I do want to see how I would react in that situation. I feel like that's the one thing that I consistently gravitate towards on the occasion I am watching porn. But I have a theory that I feel like this gravitation because regular straight porn is boring for most women since it doesn't depict things that women actually get off on. At least in a ffm she gets head and more than .25 seconds of kissing. And as far as mmf, there is another dick to fill void of actual female pleasure. I feel like as far as reactions go, just in general I'm curious about nonmonogamy because I feel like I could fall into that camp. Speaking of which... Yup, I still want to experience this one day. I don't know to what extent I would actually like this but it would be something that I want to try. 

Polyamory: I don't see why monogamy has to be the default and I think it can be a healthy and beautiful thing to have multiple romantic relationships at once because it gets rid of the notion that only one person has to be perfect for you. Also, I've never been a particularly jealous person when it came to love and back when I identified as ace, I didn't see any problems with the hypothetical possibility of my nonasexual boyfriend hooking up with others so long as it was casual and I am aware of it because I knew I wouldn't be able to satisfy all of his needs. And even though I don't identify as completely ace anymoreEv, I am curious as to how a polyamorous dynamic would play out.  I don't think I want a polyamorous relationship because that sounds like a lot to coordinate on but I don't think it's bad. I'm happy just having one romantic partner. That said, I'm still open to having an open relationship. 

Be with an older guy: (and by older I mean like 8-12 years) I think in the past this had more to do with some of the issues I had and my upbringing, along with the associations I had with older men. I think I had this association with maturity, gentleness, assertiveness, stability and protectiveness when it came to older men  which was in contrast with the little frat fuck boys I would see on the regular in school. Also, the dilfs that worked at my university didn't help lol. But, now that I have found a man near my age that is mature, gentle, assertive, stable, and protective, I don't think I romanticize being with an older guy anymore because those specific desires are being met. Also, my frontal lobe has been cooking which is making me think *lets be real, even if they are older, they still ain't shit.* But, I still find a lot of older people to be beautiful and it's much more of a looks thing. I don't think I would want a relationship with an older guy but I wouldn't mind casually dating one to have the experience and get that out of my system. Yeah... I don't really have this desire anymore. I wouldn't be opposed to engaging with someone sexually who happens to be older than me, but not older to where it would be inappropriate. I think part of it is that my brain is more formed and I no longer fetishize things like maturity, gentleness, assertiveness, and stability in the same way because that is my norm. 

I'm also starting to think of my role as an older party at times, and the thought of me engaging with somone even if they are like 21, even if that is legal, it would make me feel kind of icky. I'm also out of college and have been for a few years so adulthood feels much more demystified. And as a result, adults who are well into adulthood aren't particularly sexy and alluring because of their additional life experience. And yeah.. I'm not dealing with the frat boys anymore. If I'm going to be real with myself, the only older guy I have interest in hooking up with is that one professor that looked like young Al Pacino. And even then, my desires around older men just are limitted to fantasies. I have no desire to act on this of "get that out of my system."

Wax Play: I talked about this in other posts I tried this. I didn't feel like it was something that I sexually got off to but it was a relaxing and fun experience. 

Being Tied Up: Idk it just seems interesting. Idk if I would like it and there isn't a particular thing driving me towards it other than plain curiousity. I tried it. Not really my thing or something I find myself gravitating towards, but it's not something I'm opposed to either. I do this like once in a blue moon. 

Going to a nude beach: I feel like I talked about this in a previous post, but generally speaking, I'm pretty comfortable with nudity and I think it would be an educational experience. Because it would be an educational experience personally, I thought I'd include it here but I was hesitant because my desire to go to a nude beach isn't directly romantic or sexual but I do think I would learn about myself in that aspect. I haven't thought of this in a while and I'm open to this experience. But, it's not something I'm seeking out per se. I debated putting this as green. 

Engage in some form of casual sex: I feel like I can be up for it. I don't think I would be comfortable with a one night stand or something with someone I don't know very well because of safety concerns but I can see myself in a fwb situation, provided that the other person can actually be a friend and treat me like a person instead of a fleshlight. I think I can deal with a lack of commitment but I wouldn't be able to deal with the lack of respect and drama that situations like these can come with which is why I am hesitant. But if he is sane and respectful, why not. Also, I think it could be good when it comes to getting to know myself sexually by being exposed to what different people are like. Yup, my stance hasn't changed. 

Eventually settle down with a partner(s): I can see myself eventually wanting to settle down with someone, or if the polyamorous route works out, some people. I just think it would be nice. I think just one is enough lol. But yeah, I would like to eventually settle down with someone and build a life with them. I low key am doing this because I'm living with someone and I'm planning a future but also, I know that it's not settled to the point where I'm actually married. 

I'm putting this as a purple because I had this marked as red since I don't care for the polyamorous route but also, then I thought blue would fit better since I'm on that route more or less. 

[soos_mite_ah]

Taking Ls

I have been thinking about L again a lot lately. I thought about him a lot prior to meeting my current partner. Then, I didn't think about him until the summer of 2025 when I started unpacking my nihilistic tendencies and got off birth control so my sex drive was all over the place. And now, I'm thinking about him again. So then, I found myself reflecting on what my current fantasies mean and how my fantasies around L has evolved over the years. 

I would say that in the beginning when I first met L, I thought he was pretty attractive romantically and he a lot of traits that I thought was admirable. He kind of reminded me of a better version of myself and I liked his over all personality. He also seemed really put together but I think a lot of that is my 19 year old brain observing a regular man in his early 30s at work lol. I go into more detail about it in this post I wrote years ago. 

The attraction started off romantic and later turned into sexual attraction. The post above goes into more detail about the conditions as to why I was simping for a man a decade older than me. And I remember a lot of the fantasies I had at the time regarding wanting an older man had to do with wanting to experience a sense of gentleness, stability, and this desire to be guided. All of those things were elements that were missing from my life. I remember having more of a reassurance kink around this time lol. I think a lot of it came from a lack of sexual and romantic experience. 

I had a lot of trad-wife esq fantasies around this time too. I wrote about this back then as well:

On 9/28/2020 at 9:24 AM, soos_mite_ah said:

But that doesn't stop me from craving stability.  Even though I'm only 20 all I want right now is to get into a relationship, settle down, and get married. I don't want to be strong by myself anymore. I want to melt into a guy who knows what he's doing and have him take care of me instead. I want to surrender. I want to be vulnerable so I can open up to more gentleness in my life. After all the world and it's chaos and my personal life hasn't been so gentle with me. I have this fantasy of being like this 1950s housewife that takes care of things at home while the man does everything else. I just want someone to hold me and tell me that everything will be ok. Even if that is a lie, sometimes I need something to hold on to. 

I think the association of stability and gentleness I had with and older age faded away after certain things in life fell into line for me. I know the fantasy of being provided for died for sure once I was making enough money to afford my desired lifestyle and have a sense of stability.  

Then, in 2025 when I started thinking about L again, it wasn't linked to romance or his personality at all, it felt purely physical since he fulfills a lot of preferences I have and I had a large increase in my overall sex drive for a number of factors. Like my fantasies featured L as a figment of my imagination and a pretty face to make fake scenarios in my head as I fell asleep rather than being a representation of him as a full person. 

On 6/22/2025 at 4:51 PM, soos_mite_ah said:

I had a pretty long period where I fantasized about this man until I found someone who had a similar personality and was more appropriate to date. He was a placeholder of sorts and I didn't want to act on it. I stopped thinking about this guy once I got into my current relationship, but I never stopped finding him attractive. He kind of looked like Al Pacino in THE 70s (not to be confused with Al Pacino in HIS 70s) except he was a couple shades darker (L is South Asian, not Italian lol) and had more body hair. L is the only person that I have found attractive without any prior emotional attachment. He was so beautiful. He had this gorgeous wavy hair that I wanted to run my fingers through. He also did the slutty thing that guys do which is roll up his sleeves. Like deadass, I am this meme. 

He also had softer facial features, full lips, and really expressive dark brown eyes. I also like darker features in general. I'm not really into guys who are overly masculine looking (like no giga chads for me lol). And on top of all of this, he is a short king! I like shorter guys (think around 5'5" to 5'8") because I'm on the shorter end and it just feels more proportional. And not to be gross, but I feel like if you have a big height difference with your partner, that certain sex positions just don't work or is logistically harder to do. I feel embarrassed that I'm still thinking about L after so long to where a lot of this is just hard write. 

Now, I think my fantasies around L had come back around to the more psychological side where I have certain fantasies because of what I'm going through. I think I like the idea of getting with an older man in a position of authority who knows what he's doing, who is more assertive so that I don't always have to initiate and I don't have to doubt how he feels about me. This coincides with how I feel like I don't know what I'm doing and how I feel like I have to be assertive in every other area of my life but especially my friendships.

I also associate this fantasy with embracing my sense of shyness which contrasts with the sense of assertiveness described above. I'm not nearly as inexperienced romantically/ sexually as I was back in 2020, but I still feel rather inexperienced in my age group. I'm not used to romantic attention. Sure I'm in a romantic relationship right now but my experience with my current boyfriend feels like an exception rather than the norm. So because I'm not used to it, it's something that catches me off guard and leaves me easily flustered. And as someone approaching 27 years old, it feels a bit embarrassing and juvenile to admit. I feel like I have a lot of other areas of my life that I confidently navigate but I still struggling bringing that energy sexually or romantically.  Like part of me wants an older more experienced person to see this and rather seeing this as something awkward, immature, and weird, that they see it as something genuine, innocent, and endearing.  As far as how this ties in with the factors of age and authority, I think there is an appeal to someone who knows what romantic desire looks like recognizes something in me that I haven't learned to recognize in myself yet.

I think this ties in to issues around how I'm unpacking the elements of neglect and how I wasn't able to develop a sense of confidence in the way a lot of people do. I think this also translates to seeing myself as desirable and not seeing my desire as something to hide away rather it's something to be witnessed and appreciated by another person.