I don't want to fake masculinity in my relationship anymore

[amps]

Recently I went through a series of psilocybin trips and the most penetrating insight I got from them was to be more authentic,
less constrained in my body language and my general self-expression to increase my happiness in life. I've been together with my girlfriend for almost a year now, this is my first serious relationship ever even though I'm 23 years old. One of the things I really
appreciate about her is how she shows interest in my personal developement interests and although she had her initial doubts about me using
psychedelics, her mind was changed when she actually saw me tripping. 

After my last trip I began trying to integrate my insight about authenticity and thats when I started noticing things were quite different in our
relationship. Here is how I interpret it:
Up until now I was basically implementing various pickup strategies and mindsets with her; I noticed that when I was reserved, distant and emotionally flatlined, she was more attracted to me. I was actively taking responsibility for our activities, leading her, making decisions, being blunt with her..  Basically I was being masculine as a manipulation to get her to like me, that is how she became attracted to me in the first place.
After my trip I look around me and everywhere I see guys doing this same shit. Playing some masculine role. I feel basically everyone is doing it, some just
do it more subtly than others.

The problem is that after my trips, I don't wanna do that shit anymore. I want to be who I am, sometimes feminine sometimes masculine. In the last week I've been making childish jokes and giggling to myself, amusing myself yet clearly becoming more unattractive to my girlfriend who has withdrawn to herself more and generally it doesn't seem like she feels physical attraction to me anymore.
After we discussed it and I told her pretty openly what I think has happened she basically said she's just been feeling anxious and has had low sex drive, claiming it was unrelated to her feelings towards me, but to me it seems quite clear what has happened.
Its like I just wanna say to her something like: "Can you not see how I could put up an act for you again so you would feel more attracted to me? Can we not just skip these bullshit games and work on ourselves to be happier, rather than play this stupid masculine feminine dynamic?"
Yet I understand that she has to follow her feelings and instincts, and if she feels no physical pull toward me when I'm being less masculine, that won't
be able to be solved by logical understanding or conversation.
I just feel like I'm stuck with a couple options none of which are particulary appealing:

1. Get back into "faking" masculinity and doing pick up strategies to turn her on.
2. Find another girl and probably have to do the same pick up stuff to attract them in the first place.
3. Just give it time and hope that things balance out, that she falls in love with my authentic uninhibited, at times girly personality?

 

I appreciate any perspective or advice on this, thank you to anyone who bothered to read.

Edited June 20, 2021 by amps

[MatteO22]

@amps one of the things that happens as you over time resolve your fears of intimacy (aka being more authentic), it triggers the fear of intimacy in those close to you as they’re required to now step up their tolerance of intimate connection. You’re basically giving her an invitation to meet you in your authenticity, and whether she is ready or not has nothing to do with you, and everything to do with her journey. 
 

I remember when I first started resolving my intimacy fears, when I’d feel intimate and genuine attraction to someone, my sex drive towards them would diminish drastically. It’s like A part of me was afraid of being too close to them because I didn’t know how to tolerate intimate connection. I reckon she might be experiencing something similar. 
 

it’s sad but this issue often breaks up relationships that are not meant to continue on. On the plus side, being more authentic is the greatest price you’ll ever get. So congratulations and welcome home!  

 

ps; I’m not saying your relationship is doomed, only time will tell. 

[Thunder Kiss]

19 minutes ago, MatteO22 said:

one of the things that happens as you over time resolve your fears of intimacy (aka being more authentic), it triggers the fear of intimacy in those close to you as they’re required to now step up their tolerance of intimate connection. You’re basically giving her an invitation to meet you in your authenticity, and whether she is ready or not has nothing to do with you, and everything to do with her journey.

Could you share more information about this and how you learned about? Books, teachers, or perhaps articles you read.   

[MatteO22]

@Thunder Kiss I learned about it by living it, but you can find similar dating advice given by Mark Groves, love the guy he’s the best amazing alternative to pua gimmicks and manipulative games.
 

Tbh it’s not even on the same level. He posts a lot on Facebook and IG, I follow his content on Facebook and love it. It’s like what he says matches up with my experience perfectly. 

[Loving Radiance]

@amps

Option 3 and then option 2 with the pick-up methods that are authentic to you IMO.

Why do you fear loosing her when you are feeling the most authentic and free since... idk, ever?

Basically you discovered that:

Don't be afraid of growing up. Have courage and be ready to die by potentially loosing her. What you realized in your trips is that you want to meet a whole woman as a whole man. Don't be afraid of becoming whole again.

Focus on what makes you a man. Be self-secure and grounded in that. Nobody - even your gf - can shake you in that.

Look here for notes:

Edited June 20, 2021 by Loving Radiance

[Snader]

You don't need to be typically masculine all the time to be a man. Doing you giggling and stuff and NOT GIVING A SHIT whether she likes it or not, is true masculinity, especially after you made a manly act to explain it to her. After that, you shouldn't worry a shit.

She might just be unconsciously testing you and your masculinity. If you keep being authentic and stop worrying about what she thinks about it, chances are, that she will get super attracted to you again. And if not, then she might not be the right girl for you.

So definitely option 3, but try removing this ''hoping'' part from the plan. Easier said than done, I know.

[Kalki Avatar]

Most girls are attratcted to the stereotype man that society sells. We are all conditioned in some way by this subconscious stereotypes. Thats why she liked the masculine man. It approves her subconscious ideal. Also, thats the first image you sold her, she thinks thats the real you, but its not, cuz is manipulation. No one is macho in its core. People are just faking it so much that it becomes normal. They are numb. 

See, a relationship is about relating to something. Your relationship with her, is she relating to that image she liked. If you drop that mask, she will loose attraction. So dont expect to make her like your authentic self. 

I lived all these scenarios with my last gf as well. I dont care if girls or men dont like me aswell for being authentic. It will cost your attraction to many, but you will gain personal satisfaction, joy, peace and self love. It takes courage to do this, cuz a part of you want the lower needs to be satisfied. You decide. Time will teach you. In the future, just be you and attract an authentic girl aswell. Their are many, it just takes the same vibration to see it. 

Even if you attract a hot girl with manipulation, notice the relationship doesnt have the same level of quality of that of an authentic one. The closer you are to your truth, the more you attract a girl as same, an the same quality of both will be in the relationship. This might be a little harder to manifest or find, but its way better or staying alone. Everyone is selling themselves short for quick love and sex, which create alot of side problems. 

[Loving Radiance]

@Kalki Avatar Very well said ?

[amps]

Thank you all for the wise and insightful replies. I'm going to work on growing out of my juvenile idea of masculinity and continue staying true to my authentic self. If that means eventually losing my gf, so be it, even though that is definitely easier said than done. 

 

 

[bejapuskas]

@amps  From my experience you can always like be yourself, I am very childish in person, kinda playful and not very serious. Sometimes more sensitive and more serious, more considerate. Sometimes angry and strict. I mean you are more than just this, no? You can use your mind as a tool. Maybe you can play these domination games with her in bed if she is into you being more masculine and aggressive etc... You might have lots of fun doing that, but also like "be yourself" simultaneously outside the bedroom or wherever you have sex. Try experimenting with that. Maybe she is more experienced than you and actually might give you good calls on what you might try together. I am just guessing.