I can't get this thought out of my head...

[tatsumaru]

Hello,
I've been stuck in a thought loop and I can't let it go. Whether I try to stop it or to let it go or not to resist it or to focus on something else it's always there. It pops up from the unconscious and ruins everything I am trying to do. Here's what it is. I watched a documentary on the lives of Mongols a few years ago. And in one of the scenes they showed how they castrate goats and eat their testicles since testicles are considered a delicacy there. However the way they did it wasn't particularly efficient - it almost looked they used a dull knife and most of it was just ripping their testicles out which the goat clearly didn't like. I remember that this sight was pretty disturbing to me, however for a long time I had forgotten it. Recently (3-4 months ago) however, for whatever reason I have started having this vision that this same testicle removing hook is being jabbed in my own testicles trying to rip them off. Sometimes I will have this thought many times per minute (for example when I am reading books) and that thought would destroy my focus totally it's like a mind parasite. Other times I will not have it for hours. Whenever I visualize this event I could almost feel the pain. I am not sure what's causing it but I desperately need to let it go and dissolve this whole mind infrastructure that has formed around it because it's affecting my life terribly. Could this be some curse or is it simply my subconscious trying to tell me something?
Any ideas?
Thanks.

[Nahm]

@tatsumaru

It’ll be gone in five minutes. Take some deep belly breaths and relax your entire body. Don’t think about it, do it. Feel it. Set your ego aside for five minutes and pay attention to lovingly caring for your body. Forgive yourself fully, right now, for what you’ve been putting your body through. Literally say “I forgive you” out loud. Don’t think it, say it, do it. Take this simple action.  Notice the slight bit of relief from this. Recognize that feeling of relief, and recognize the love from the body for doing so. Recognize the body intrinsically knows forgiveness, care, and love. Now you are aligned with your body, with intelligence. 

Feel yourself relax into gravity. Feel the the eyes, the jaw, the neck relax. Feel your shoulders sink and relax. Feel your back, legs, arms, hands, and even the very bottoms of your feet, relax. 

Notice seeing, hearing and feeling. Recognize where ever you are...there is...seeing, hearing and feeling. You will never be without.  The mind wanders to past & future, and that is fine. Affirmatively, as the boss...allow it to roam freely. Recognize you can always “return” to where you actually are...here & now, where feeling is. It never matters if the mind roams, because you can always recognize seeing, hearing and feeling. 

You are not ‘stuck in a thought loop’. You are the One aware of the thoughts. You are the boss. You love unconditionally, and you lovingly allow all things to be as they are. This is beautiful about you, and we all love it very much. Feel that bit of relief in recognizing the truth of your true nature of unconditional love. You love this beauty too. It is good to be you. 

Come clean. Acknowledge to yourself that you don’t actually even know what a “thought loop” is. You know the direct experience of focusing on a thought over & over. You are the boss, you are in control, and what you willingly do with that control, is unconditionally love all this is, as it is. You learned the term “thought loop” from someone. Send it back to them now, wish them love and a peaceful mind. Feel the relief in putting down what was never really yours. 

 

If & when you are suffering, notice in your own direct experience, only you are experiencing the suffering. No one else is, literally, just you. 

 

Reflect

on 

that

 

Notice 

it

is

true

 

Pause for one minute and look around. Listen, what do you hear? Notice the variety of sounds, appreciate them. Feel the relief and wonder of sound. Feel the relief in noticing sounds, you did not notice moments ago. Bring your inner smile to your experience. Feel the love within you smile within you. Notice the sound is unconditional. Notice the sound is not in a rush. Feel that the sound is at peace with itself. 

 

The way you are keeping the suffering going, is by pretending it is coming from a secondary source. 

You are a creator and you create. You are absolutely free as a creator. So free, you can create suffering. 

All creators have a source, all creators feel their source. You feel your source now, and always. You cannot be, and will never be, without your source. 

Source has no thing to know. Source is pure, innocent. Source does not claim anything. Source does not claim to know, any thing. 

You are claiming to know, the suffering of a goat.  You are not experiencing the suffering of a goat.  You are experiencing, the suffering, that you are creating. 

Source knows that goat is fine. Source knows source is that goat. Source does not know things. Source knows, source. Source loves unconditionally. 

When you believe there is a secondary source, you feel the suffering of the discord of that thought...with the Only Source there is, unconditional love. 

The suffering is not caused by any of these “secondary sources”: subconscious, unconscious, ‘mind parasite’,  ‘mind structure’, or ‘curse’. When you speak of these “things” and pretend they are “secondary sources”...you are actually speaking about The One Source. The One and only pure Goodness that is all things, Source. The very source within you now, which is unconditional love. You do not need to “know” this, you do not need to “understand” this - you are feeling this already. 

When you are pretending there is a secondary source, you are being dishonest with your self, and with your source. 

Source is the truth. It does not feel good to be dishonest, with the truth. 

 

And that is what felt terrible. You are not a victim of suffering, from secondary sources. 

You are a creator. If there is suffering, you are creating it. 

Feel the relief of Not Knowing. Acknowledge to yourself, you have no idea about goats, if they have any experience at all, or if they suffer. Seems like they do, but you don’t know if they do. If someone comes to mind, from whom you got this idea, forgive them and wish them your peace and your love. 

Pretending the suffering has a secondary source is a victim mindset. The suffering is not happening to you. You are creating it. The victim mindset is a mindset of powerlessness. 

You live in a world where many do not have a victim, powerlessness, mindset, and do not suffer. Be honest. You want to feel like these people do. You want nothing more, than to feel this love of our source all day, everyday. 

When you entertain the mindsets of victim & powerlessness to suffering, and it does not resonate, you feel angry. When you feel angry, you’re not able to focus on creating the life you desire to create, and you feel discouraged. You learned this, it’s conditioning. This conditioning has got to go, because it leads to self doubt, and that leads to getting overwhelmed, and that leads to being frustrated that you aren’t focusing, on what you want to focus on & create. This leaves you with lots of energy, but little focus. 

 

Any and every time you notice the thoughts about the goat, about pain, about suffering....recognize it. Allow it to humble you, to remind you that you don’t know, what you don’t know. And focus on seeing, hearing, and feeling. Be present here and now, where you actually are. Feel the relief in recognizing here & now, where feeling is, you feel fine. 

Honestly recognize that you are in control of your creating, and you can “return” to here and now anytime you choose to. If the mind wanders, that is fine. You are the boss, you are in control of attention, and you can always bring your attention to here & now, where feeling is. 

Deeply acknowledge to yourself that because you recognize this is true, you can expect better experiences from here on out. You’re in control of experiencing. You’re the director of attention. If you don’t resonate with what attention is on, put attention on something else that feels good to you. 

The more you do this simple act, the more you make the choice and take your place as the true boss of your experience, the more empowered you will realize you actually are. 

Really, truly, let the ego have a break, and lighten up. Allow your true nature of lightheartedness and joy to be present. 

Recognize this is the path to the true nature, to self realization, to “enlightenment” everybody is jabbering about. 

You’re actually doing it, right now. This is it. It’s all about letting go of what does not resonate, and focusing on what is aligned with you & your source. Acknowledge this to yourself and feel good about it. Make a note of that good feeling. Call upon it anytime you want. Consider sharing this with other people, when they are suffering. It is within your power to help people understand and let go of their suffering. You are a powerful, powerful being. 

 

[Juliano Zn]

@Nahm This is gold. Thank you! 

 

[Nahm]

@Juliano Zn ?? 

[Abdelghafar]

It's just a matter of time. The thought will leave and it's going to be replaced by another one that you'll desperately want gone too and on and on it will go. Such is life. Try to enjoy it.

[Surfingthewave]

@Nahm Fantastic. Can the same method be applied for the "feeling" of shame? 

[Nahm]

@Surfingthewave

Yep. Not so much a ‘method’ though. 

[Surfingthewave]

@Nahm What would you call it? 

[tatsumaru]

@Nahm

It's still returning every day, multiple times per day. I tried to shine awareness on it, to analyze it, to let it go, to dive in it, to accept it.
Nothing helps. It comes back and back. And every time I imagine it, it's so visceral that I almost feel the pain from it which perpetuates it and hence it becomes a thought loop.

[Surfingthewave]

@tatsumaru

You may need professional advice as it could be obsessive/compulsive. 

What other practices are you doing? 

Consider diet, yoga, sleep, physical exercise. Are you moving your body enough? Endorphins can do a great deal, as can relaxation exercises and breath work. Is it a panic/anxiety feeling? 

Try box breathing, reallly helps with overthinking, especially at night. 

[Waken]

18 hours ago, tatsumaru said:

@Nahm

It's still returning every day, multiple times per day. I tried to shine awareness on it, to analyze it, to let it go, to dive in it, to accept it.
Nothing helps. It comes back and back. And every time I imagine it, it's so visceral that I almost feel the pain from it which perpetuates it and hence it becomes a thought loop.

I do it a little different than analyzing it, trying to let it go, diving in it, accepting it, etc. Not to be too lazy, but if you read my latest reply in the following thread, you might find a usefull approach there (the one about repeating words of well-being):

 

[Mu_]

On 3/1/2021 at 9:25 AM, tatsumaru said:

@Nahm

It's still returning every day, multiple times per day. I tried to shine awareness on it, to analyze it, to let it go, to dive in it, to accept it.
Nothing helps. It comes back and back. And every time I imagine it, it's so visceral that I almost feel the pain from it which perpetuates it and hence it becomes a thought loop.

This may be a unavoidable dark night of the soul kinda event.  For some time try and Let it happen, dont worry, or search for cause, reason or outcome.  Maybe close your eyes when you've got some quiet time and just ask inside or outside into the universe through intention, that you need some help or guidance with this.  Sometimes something will answer and help.  Just accept to the best of your ability, that these may be challenging times (but also open enough to the possibility that it may all disappear at any momement, like it never happened, like it was before this all happened). 

Also dont judge yourself or the event, acknowledge your in pain and suffering, try and keep a calm stableness if you can.  Suffer elegantly, suffer without victimization, suffer calmly and understandingly that this is a part of life, and its not personal.

 

Also is this the first time you've dealt with something like this.  How was your mental health before?

[tatsumaru]

7 hours ago, Waken said:

I do it a little different than analyzing it, trying to let it go, diving in it, accepting it, etc. Not to be too lazy, but if you read my latest reply in the following thread, you might find a usefull approach there (the one about repeating words of well-being):

 

I read it, thanks. I do journal often, I work on things I like etc which tends to get my mind off of these neurotic thoughts. Positivity and better sleep certainly improve my mood and keep neuroses at bay.

15 minutes ago, Mu_ said:

This may be a unavoidable dark night of the soul kinda event.  For some time try and Let it happen, dont worry, or search for cause, reason or outcome.  Maybe close your eyes when you've got some quiet time and just ask inside or outside into the universe through intention, that you need some help or guidance with this.  Sometimes something will answer and help.  Just accept to the best of your ability, that these may be challenging times (but also open enough to the possibility that it may all disappear at any momement, like it never happened, like it was before this all happened). 

Also dont judge yourself or the event, acknowledge your in pain and suffering, try and keep a calm stableness if you can.  Suffer elegantly, suffer without victimization, suffer calmly and understandingly that this is a part of life, and its not personal.

 

Also is this the first time you've dealt with something like this.  How was your mental health before?

I don't feel good about this idea of a so called random meaningless impossible to understand suffering that can spawn out of the nothingness for no reason at anytime and that is without solution other than to bear it on the promise that it will be gone. I understand that bearing it gracefully is preferable to descending into madness, but still I am left wishing that there  is a better possibility still. One may not have control over the outer reality but at least the body and the mind should be in peace and ready to work optimally.

If I recall correctly these types of thoughts started a few years ago after a traumatic event in my life. Back then they were different types of thoughts and not so pervasive. For some reason my brain just started showing me what it considered the absolute worst case scenario it could imagine for any given situation. I might be making the next stuff up because it was a long time ago but I think in my neurosis I might have made a wish at that time to the universe to know what the worse is so that I can find peace in that it can't get any worse than that. So that I be prepared for the worst. And so soon after that I started having these thoughts where I would see the worst possible thing happening to me or to the people around me. For example I would talk to a friend and an image would pop in my mind about this friend getting hit by a car on the way home or I would see a random person walking on the street and I would get a thought how they step in a pot hole and break their leg. Just so we are clear these weren't wishes i had, just random visions. And so I became quite frustrated with them but usually I found ways to distract myself from them through work and tv shows etc. Now for whatever reason this particular thought of that kind seems to have stuck with me. It does go away when I work and focus on something else, but the moment I notice it's gone I immediately bring it back up.

From a spiritual point of view I do feel like I might have made a pact with my subconscious to always show me visions of the worst so that I may be prepared. Like I installed some sort of program in there. However I don't need this anymore and I would like to uninstall it and let it dissolve.

Believe it or not - if we set this particular neurosis aside - my current mental health is the best it's been since over 15 years ago. I am way more connected with my feelings, generally at peace and have a positive outlook at life. Self-hate is at an all time low. I am starting to love myself and to understand life more. Even my mom said I've changed a lot and that I used to be unbearable before but now I am great to be around. And the most important part I just feel better, genuinely. It's just this one thing that's bothering me and I do get a bit scared sometimes that it could get out of control as it does seem to gain momentum when I focus on it.

20 hours ago, Surfingthewave said:

You may need professional advice as it could be obsessive/compulsive. 

It could be OCD yes. I might check with an OCD specialist on this.

[Mu_]

1 hour ago, tatsumaru said:

I read it, thanks. I do journal often, I work on things I like etc which tends to get my mind off of these neurotic thoughts. Positivity and better sleep certainly improve my mood and keep neuroses at bay.

I don't feel good about this idea of a so called random meaningless impossible to understand suffering that can spawn out of the nothingness for no reason at anytime and that is without solution other than to bear it on the promise that it will be gone. I understand that bearing it gracefully is preferable to descending into madness, but still I am left wishing that there  is a better possibility still. One may not have control over the outer reality but at least the body and the mind should be in peace and ready to work optimally.

If I recall correctly these types of thoughts started a few years ago after a traumatic event in my life. Back then they were different types of thoughts and not so pervasive. For some reason my brain just started showing me what it considered the absolute worst case scenario it could imagine for any given situation. I might be making the next stuff up because it was a long time ago but I think in my neurosis I might have made a wish at that time to the universe to know what the worse is so that I can find peace in that it can't get any worse than that. So that I be prepared for the worst. And so soon after that I started having these thoughts where I would see the worst possible thing happening to me or to the people around me. For example I would talk to a friend and an image would pop in my mind about this friend getting hit by a car on the way home or I would see a random person walking on the street and I would get a thought how they step in a pot hole and break their leg. Just so we are clear these weren't wishes i had, just random visions. And so I became quite frustrated with them but usually I found ways to distract myself from them through work and tv shows etc. Now for whatever reason this particular thought of that kind seems to have stuck with me. It does go away when I work and focus on something else, but the moment I notice it's gone I immediately bring it back up.

From a spiritual point of view I do feel like I might have made a pact with my subconscious to always show me visions of the worst so that I may be prepared. Like I installed some sort of program in there. However I don't need this anymore and I would like to uninstall it and let it dissolve.

Believe it or not - if we set this particular neurosis aside - my current mental health is the best it's been since over 15 years ago. I am way more connected with my feelings, generally at peace and have a positive outlook at life. Self-hate is at an all time low. I am starting to love myself and to understand life more. Even my mom said I've changed a lot and that I used to be unbearable before but now I am great to be around. And the most important part I just feel better, genuinely. It's just this one thing that's bothering me and I do get a bit scared sometimes that it could get out of control as it does seem to gain momentum when I focus on it.

It could be OCD yes. I might check with an OCD specialist on this.

Lightening strikes people sometimes.  Its not personal, it just happens.  I'm not conveying hopelessness, I'm hoping to convey surrender or calm acceptance of suchness as it appears now.  It doesn't mean accepting permanent, nor changing, but ease with what ever may be.  Perhaps in time or in the suggestion to intend help from something, something will arise and shift whats taking place mentally.  

If you don't resonate with this, forget it ever happened and move on.  Cheers.