Practised brutal honesty with my first FWB/gf

[StarStruck]

Hi guys. I will respond to your replies very soon but I wanted to give an update. 

She just texted me she doesn't want to continue seeing me. She says we don't match and that she will have it busy with her university that is starting. She says it is not me but her.  I don't believe it. 

The fact is that I had a mental break down that evening. It was the first meeting and I was going so fast and not take it slow. It obviously scared her off. Perhaps I'm making this up all in my head but I remember she said that she wanted to be treated as a princes and I made her wash the dishes. It was kind of to tease her but I just didn't make that connection in my head at the time. 

Perhaps I'm taking one date too serious. Im taking it serious right now. I mean a date with a girl was such a precious thing so probably that is the reason. Obviously I acted as a dick but she said he liked dicks. So I wanted to be one. It was a mistake and I should learn and move on but I beat myself up about it. 

There are so many emotions running through me that I even might be inclined to say I'm going insane. Being myself means repulsing people. That is why I didn't want to be myself whole my life. I will definitely need to go into therapy very soon. 

[Thestarguitarist14]

3 hours ago, StarStruck said:

Hi guys. I will respond to your replies very soon but I wanted to give an update. 

She just texted me she doesn't want to continue seeing me. She says we don't match and that she will have it busy with her university that is starting. She says it is not me but her.  I don't believe it. 

The fact is that I had a mental break down that evening. It was the first meeting and I was going so fast and not take it slow. It obviously scared her off. Perhaps I'm making this up all in my head but I remember she said that she wanted to be treated as a princes and I made her wash the dishes. It was kind of to tease her but I just didn't make that connection in my head at the time. 

Perhaps I'm taking one date too serious. Im taking it serious right now. I mean a date with a girl was such a precious thing so probably that is the reason. Obviously I acted as a dick but she said he liked dicks. So I wanted to be one. It was a mistake and I should learn and move on but I beat myself up about it. 

There are so many emotions running through me that I even might be inclined to say I'm going insane. Being myself means repulsing people. That is why I didn't want to be myself whole my life. I will definitely need to go into therapy very soon. 

Well, hate to say it, but that should come as no surprise.  At least she was mature enough to let you down easy.  Most women ghost nowadays.

It is not so much that being yourself repulses people.  It’s you being needy and trying to be a dick that does.  That is what repelled her.

 

Also, you are identifying with your negative traits.  You are not your porn addiction.  You are not your dating history.  You are not anything that you have done ever.  That is your false self.

This is why I have been suggesting for you to go inwards.  You have a ton of inner work to do.  You are way too attached to what women think of you and having success with women. That is what keeps you from getting what you desire.

 

See this as a blessing.  Now you can do the real work, heal yourself and not self sabotage when you meet someone who you are truly into.

Edited October 1, 2020 by Thestarguitarist14

[Roy]

@StarStruck From reading that, it sounds like you actually both benefitted and got something of value from your interaction. Sure maybe it wasn't what your ego wanted (sex), but that doesn't mean it was a waste of time. Just be happy you had a strong connection over that short time, don't taint what was really a beautiful moment with a bunch of bullshit and hindsight beating yourself up.

It was never going to work out anyways from what you've described. It was only one date, not an insane investment. Take what you've learned from the experience and move onto pursuing other women! Wish her well and that's that.

You are coming at this from your head too much. As if things need to work and a process needs to happen mechanistically. Relationships and love actually work more like water. You are different currents of varying speeds and temperatures, sometimes you pass each other and it's just not meant to be, sometimes they mix and create something powerful.

The point is be like water - go with the flow.

 

[Byun Sean]

@StarStruck

I'm proud of you mate. You went on a date and you messed up and you had the balls to post your mistake on an online forum as well. 

 

Just this one interaction I'm sure helped you emotionally and you are better with women now because you have more experience.

 

Keep working on yourself brother and I know you can meet the girl of your dreams one day.

[StarStruck]

15 hours ago, Thestarguitarist14 said:

Well, hate to say it, but that should come as no surprise.  At least she was mature enough to let you down easy.  Most women ghost nowadays.

It was definitely not unexpected but stubbornly I wanted to work it out. This is a girl with many options so I'm easily replaceable. Her ex was bipolar so I was thinking if a bipolar guy can attract, why can't I? Anyway, I notice I'm over-analysing. I should just accept with didn't match and move on but emotionally I can't. Life is really getting unbearable at this moment and I called the suicide prevention phone number. Not that I was seriously contemplating it but I really needed to talk to somebody.

Quote

It is not so much that being yourself repulses people.  It’s you being needy and trying to be a dick that does.  That is what repelled her.

Also, you are identifying with your negative traits.  You are not your porn addiction.  You are not your dating history.  You are not anything that you have done ever.  That is your false self.

This is why I have been suggesting for you to go inwards.  You have a ton of inner work to do.  You are way too attached to what women think of you and having success with women. That is what keeps you from getting what you desire.

See this as a blessing.  Now you can do the real work, heal yourself and not self sabotage when you meet someone who you are truly into.

I understand that I have to go inward. I'm still wallowing in my misery at this moment. Perhaps I should push myself to finish taking notes from this topic and get to work. Until this point I only did inquiry and contemplation to foster communication between my various shadow parts.

 

[StarStruck]

8 hours ago, Roy said:

@StarStruck From reading that, it sounds like you actually both benefitted and got something of value from your interaction. Sure maybe it wasn't what your ego wanted (sex), but that doesn't mean it was a waste of time. Just be happy you had a strong connection over that short time, don't taint what was really a beautiful moment with a bunch of bullshit and hindsight beating yourself up.

It was never going to work out anyways from what you've described. It was only one date, not an insane investment. Take what you've learned from the experience and move onto pursuing other women! Wish her well and that's that.

You are coming at this from your head too much. As if things need to work and a process needs to happen mechanistically. Relationships and love actually work more like water. You are different currents of varying speeds and temperatures, sometimes you pass each other and it's just not meant to be, sometimes they mix and create something powerful.

The point is be like water - go with the flow.

 

I appreciate it. I'm overthinking and at the same time my emotions are just in haywire. It is just my head. 

 

7 hours ago, Byun Sean said:

@StarStruck

I'm proud of you mate. You went on a date and you messed up and you had the balls to post your mistake on an online forum as well. 

 

Just this one interaction I'm sure helped you emotionally and you are better with women now because you have more experience.

 

Keep working on yourself brother and I know you can meet the girl of your dreams one day.

I appreciate your support and advice.

[StarStruck]

On 1-10-2020 at 1:36 PM, tsuki said:

To "know yourself" does not mean that you have a vast body of knowledge, a list, or a taxonomy. An athlete does not know how to run because he has studied books about running, but because he runs well. You want to know how to run yourself and the only way to learn that is by doing it. There is no instruction manual for you because you are totally unique, but thankfully - you have been equipped with a compass called "feelings". The things that feel good, are true to you and tell you important things about you. Keep feeling good and you will find yourself.

In the past I indulged in addictions and I felt good in the moment but afterwards I felt shitty. I think it is also important to invest in feeling good on the long term which means making sacrifices in short term pleasure, no? Doing the hard work and following up the advice in this forum makes me feel sick in my stomach. And I hate being honest about it.

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In my particular case, it was a combination of contemplation, learning through youtube, books and this forum. I'm in my 5th year of psychotherapy and psychedelics helped as well. I can't stress enough how psychotherapy has helped me. Probably would have taken twice as long without it.
 

Yesterday I made an appointment for psychotherapy. Since she said she didn't want to see me again,  I have been feeling very uncomfortable during conversations with people. I just feel like I'm trying to value suck from everybody and I'm allround needy/vulnerable.

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IQ is something unrelated to self-knowledge. Sometimes it is even an obstacle because it comes with a lot of arrogance, trying to think things through and find "solutions" to "problems". This area is mostly about feelings, about your connection to your body, strong intent to heal and tons and tons of curiosity. If you want to appear as a smart person, self-exploration will not give you any results in this domain. It will give you happiness though.

Very smart people don't tend to be super successful all the time. I read a lot of them end up in welfare because they overthink and don't have EQ.  I need start believing in myself but sometimes it just feels too much to handle.

 

[tsuki]

36 minutes ago, StarStruck said:

In the past I indulged in addictions and I felt good in the moment but afterwards I felt shitty. I think it is also important to invest in feeling good on the long term which means making sacrifices in short term pleasure, no? Doing the hard work and following up the advice in this forum makes me feel sick in my stomach. And I hate being honest about it.

Going towards pleasure and avoiding pain is not the strategy that I'm advising. There is no guarantee of outcome, ever. Being comfortable with uncertainty is a huge step. The mere fact that this advice makes you sick to your stomach does not mean that it is good for you in the long run. There is also no guarantee that you will feel shitty after masturbating, or feel good after abstinence. Whatever feels good right now, is the point, the truth. The point is the connection to your feelings in itself. There are feelings that are easy and there also ones that are difficult. The point is to understand and appreciate all of them. Each and every single one of them conveys important message. Naming the feeling is the first step. The second step is to understand why you feel this way. The third step is to act in harmony with this feeling, satisfy the need that it communicates. The most overlooked step is the why. Why may be shallow, like I ate bad food yesterday, or it may be deep, going back 10 years into some seemingly unrelated event.

36 minutes ago, StarStruck said:

Yesterday I made an appointment for psychotherapy. Since she said she didn't want to see me again,  I have been feeling very uncomfortable during conversations with people. I just feel like I'm trying to value suck from everybody and I'm allround needy/vulnerable.

Realize that there is absolutely nothing wrong with you feeling this way. This is the raw truth. You are vulnerable, naked, because you see this truth. Vulnerability is good! It has nothing to do with feeling needy. You are "needy" only if you look at yourself through the eyes of your circus trainer. The child needs care after it went through something difficult. Give care to your child until it is satisfied.

Edited October 2, 2020 by tsuki

[Thestarguitarist14]

3 hours ago, StarStruck said:

It was definitely not unexpected but stubbornly I wanted to work it out. This is a girl with many options so I'm easily replaceable. Her ex was bipolar so I was thinking if a bipolar guy can attract, why can't I? Anyway, I notice I'm over-analysing. I should just accept with didn't match and move on but emotionally I can't. Life is really getting unbearable at this moment and I called the suicide prevention phone number. Not that I was seriously contemplating it but I really needed to talk to somebody.

 

The bipolar guy probably did not come across as needy.  Funny, a lot of people with mental illnesses are very attractive.  Do that meditation that I told you about where you think about her for ten minutes a day, including half that about having sex with her. This will allow for your inner child to indulge and allow gut you to emotionally detach.

 

The thing with the suicide hotline is that those people are usually socially awkward and can’t even help.

3 hours ago, StarStruck said:

I understand that I have to go inward. I'm still wallowing in my misery at this moment. Perhaps I should push myself to finish taking notes from this topic and get to work. Until this point I only did inquiry and contemplation to foster communication between my various shadow parts.

 

Well, now is the time for a deep dive!  Get to know who you are.  Create a living, healing relationship...with yourself.

[Thestarguitarist14]

On 10/1/2020 at 1:03 AM, StarStruck said:

Ok, I made notes of all the advice. It is too much to absorb at once. By the way, I can't find anything on Shamanic tapping, do you mean shamanic breathing?

Try searching on YouTube.  Also it is under eft  tapping. 

[StarStruck]

2 hours ago, tsuki said:

Going towards pleasure and avoiding pain is not the strategy that I'm advising. There is no guarantee of outcome, ever. Being comfortable with uncertainty is a huge step. The mere fact that this advice makes you sick to your stomach does not mean that it is good for you in the long run. There is also no guarantee that you will feel shitty after masturbating, or feel good after abstinence. Whatever feels good right now, is the point, the truth.

I'm having trouble wrapping my mind around that. If I'm just doing what feels good right now, I would never get work done. There is always more fun stuff to do than work. What I get from what you are saying:

• Avoiding pleasure doesn't mean success all the time
• There is only the now.
• Being ok with uncertainty

But that doesn't translate to me to something good. I have been following this advice since I know actualized org and it didn't help me.

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The point is the connection to your feelings in itself.

Doing this changed me, for the good or the worse. I already knew this but I never felt anything. Probably stuck in consciousness level apathy. I think this girl ripped a hole in my heart and now I have access to my feelings, which is good.

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 There are feelings that are easy and there also ones that are difficult. The point is to understand and appreciate all of them. Each and every single one of them conveys important message. Naming the feeling is the first step. The second step is to understand why you feel this way. The third step is to act in harmony with this feeling, satisfy the need that it communicates. The most overlooked step is the why. Why may be shallow, like I ate bad food yesterday, or it may be deep, going back 10 years into some seemingly unrelated event.

These are gold nuggets right here. I'm taking notes.

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Realize that there is absolutely nothing wrong with you feeling this way. This is the raw truth. You are vulnerable, naked, because you see this truth.

Ok, I know this but I don't want to scare off my only two friends by acting weird. When talking to strangers, I don't care if they think I'm weird, I'm just not feeling well. Today I had very low self-esteem, I was indecisive, and just awkward. Partly because I'm trying to appear normal and partly because I thought I was gone insane. I'm just back from meeting a friend and I'm ok right now but I find it worrying that I can be stuck in a paradigm in which I think I lost it. By the way this happened after she said she doesn't want to meet up again, which was yesterday. I know what I have to do: just move on but I can't. I'm in connection to my feelings.

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Vulnerability is good! It has nothing to do with feeling needy. You are "needy" only if you look at yourself through the eyes of your circus trainer. The child needs care after it went through something difficult. Give care to your child until it is satisfied.

Thanks for pointing this out. You are being very helpful making these distinctions. Everybody in this topic told me she got repulsed by me because I was needy so my reflect is: stop being needy. Some people even said I should stop acting gay and man up. So you are advising me the opposite or am I misinterpreting?

[StarStruck]

41 minutes ago, Thestarguitarist14 said:

The bipolar guy probably did not come across as needy.  Funny, a lot of people with mental illnesses are very attractive.  Do that meditation that I told you about where you think about her for ten minutes a day, including half that about having sex with her. This will allow for your inner child to indulge and allow gut you to emotionally detach.

 

The thing with the suicide hotline is that those people are usually socially awkward and can’t even help.

Well, now is the time for a deep dive!  Get to know who you are.  Create a living, healing relationship...with yourself.

I know bro. Those visualization exercise helped me somewhat.  Appreciate it but recently I discovered I just don't want raw sex (although that can be fun). I want somebody who cares about me. She doesn't care about me enough. She told me her uni is starting (which is true) and she is moving away to an 1 hour drive location (which is true). She says she liked me a lot but she doesn't have time because of her work/school schedule.

If she liked me enough she would make it work but obviously she doesn't. She is saying the obvious cliche stuff like it is not you it is me. It is all bull because I know she multiple friends with benefits. From what she told me: they are huge jerks and like you said they probably are not needy. What I know for sure: they treat her like crap. Some part of me says I just become like those jerks just to satisfy my inner child but I'm not even smart enough to pull that shit off. I'm just being totally honest here.

[tsuki]

1 hour ago, StarStruck said:

I'm having trouble wrapping my mind around that. If I'm just doing what feels good right now, I would never get work done. There is always more fun stuff to do than work.

I'm sensing a curveball here, but I will do my best to clear things up

This idea that you are somehow smarter than your body, so that you know better what you are supposed to do right now, is false. Once you start practicing feeling into your body and truly understanding yourself, your need to invent mental crutches such as this will lessen. It will feel good to learn things when they will interest you. It will feel good to exercise when you will need it. It will feel good to work because you get to express yourself. It is exactly right - if you played all the time, you would not do any work, but who said that these things are mutually exclusive? Ultimately, it all boils down to false stories, but uncovering them starts with feeling.

1 hour ago, StarStruck said:

• Avoiding pleasure doesn't mean success all the time
• There is only the now.
• Being ok with uncertainty

But that doesn't translate to me to something good. I have been following this advice since I know actualized org and it didn't help me.

Look at this way. You have a sense of touch with which you can feel shape. You have a sense of sound, which adds direction. You have the sense of taste that tells you the food you need. You have the sense of sight that can tell things that lie ahead. Then, you have reason that creates past and future. But all of these relate to the shared space we conventionally call "objective". There is another sense, which is the sense of self that allows you to perceive, well, yourself. Emotions are your sense of self.

Only wanting to feel good feelings in life is like always wanting to see things that are red, or hearing things that have high pitch. It is ridiculous if you think about it. What you want is to see things that are really there so that you can see a car that will hit you. The same applies to emotions. You want to experience what is really there, so that you truly know what you are. Emotions do not arise in response to something that happens to you, so chasing things that make you feel good will never work. You are creating your emotions. Right now, they are hoisted by the circus trainer as a whip to get you through the day with minimal effort. It tells you things that feel awful so that you have no strength to oppose him. Start choosing your thoughts deliberately by feeling which thoughts are right for you. 

2 hours ago, StarStruck said:

Thanks for pointing this out. You are being very helpful making these distinctions. Everybody in this topic told me she got repulsed by me because I was needy so my reflect is: stop being needy. Some people even said I should stop acting gay and man up. So you are advising me the opposite or am I misinterpreting?

What I'm advising is: think about what needy really means. Right now, it probably does not mean much to you. It probably means: stop being this way, you are not okay. And I bet that it feels awful. Focus on this word and try to find its true meaning. Not just any meaning. Try to be honest and find what it means so that it does not feel this awful to be needy. This may sound like a big task, but it is important.

[Thestarguitarist14]

3 hours ago, StarStruck said:

I know bro. Those visualization exercise helped me somewhat.  Appreciate it but recently I discovered I just don't want raw sex (although that can be fun). I want somebody who cares about me. She doesn't care about me enough. She told me her uni is starting (which is true) and she is moving away to an 1 hour drive location (which is true). She says she liked me a lot but she doesn't have time because of her work/school schedule.

If she liked me enough she would make it work but obviously she doesn't. She is saying the obvious cliche stuff like it is not you it is me. It is all bull because I know she multiple friends with benefits. From what she told me: they are huge jerks and like you said they probably are not needy. What I know for sure: they treat her like crap. Some part of me says I just become like those jerks just to satisfy my inner child but I'm not even smart enough to pull that shit off. I'm just being totally honest here.

First off.  Bullshit.  Secondly, then visualize yourself holding her in your arms.  It’s up to you.  
 

The way you are going, you will never go towards anyone who actually cares about you.  What I mean by that is your self esteem is so low that you will always be attracting/going for women that you need to earn their approval from and ignore women who accept you as is.  You have probably done this already.

 

Stop worrying about her.  She rejected you.  Fuck her.  Those guys who are assholes are living low conscious lives.  Do you really desire that just to have sexual with this woman?  You really need to check your priorities here.  Start valuing yourself.  If you did, you would not even be in this situation in the first place.

[StarStruck]

Little update:

• Yesterday I called her. We had a 40 minutes conversation.
• I pushed her to make a choice; she couldn't say she doesn't like me.
• She told me she really really likes me but because I acted like a boyfriend he treated me like one, instead of a fuckboy
• This is the reason why she didn't want to fuck me because she wanted to date me but now she changed her mind and also doesn't want to date me
• She told me a lot of bullshit like I have no time, uni is starting, I'm moving away to 1 hour drive from you. I told her if you really like me you would date me. You would make time.
• Eventually she caved in and said she wants an alpha male: 1. somebody who can keep her under his thumb 2. extrovert/non-needy
• We agreed that we will become friends but she gave signals sex is possible

21 hours ago, Thestarguitarist14 said:

First off.  Bullshit.  Secondly, then visualize yourself holding her in your arms.  It’s up to you.  

Ok, I will trust you and do the exercises. First I will visualize I'm holding her. Then I will fuck her brains out.

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The way you are going, you will never go towards anyone who actually cares about you.  What I mean by that is your self esteem is so low that you will always be attracting/going for women that you need to earn their approval from and ignore women who accept you as is.  You have probably done this already.

Agreed. That is why I can't afford being myself any more. I noticed that I'm sending out signals that I'm low value and that the other person is more worth than me. Previously I didn't even notice this.

Quote

Stop worrying about her.  She rejected you.  Fuck her.  Those guys who are assholes are living low conscious lives.  Do you really desire that just to have sexual with this woman?  You really need to check your priorities here.  Start valuing yourself.  If you did, you would not even be in this situation in the first place.

She helped me out of the slumb and she was the first woman she wanted to date me. Show some empathy. I can't really control my feelings right? I can't help her I like her. I want to use her for my spiritual and social skill growth. You don't even want to know how much I changed within 1 week... thanks to her. If she didn't want to date me, I would still be emotionally stuck

 

[StarStruck]

23 hours ago, tsuki said:

I'm sensing a curveball here, but I will do my best to clear things up

This idea that you are somehow smarter than your body, so that you know better what you are supposed to do right now, is false. Once you start practicing feeling into your body and truly understanding yourself, your need to invent mental crutches such as this will lessen. It will feel good to learn things when they will interest you. It will feel good to exercise when you will need it. It will feel good to work because you get to express yourself. It is exactly right - if you played all the time, you would not do any work, but who said that these things are mutually exclusive? Ultimately, it all boils down to false stories, but uncovering them starts with feeling.

I got it. Yesterday was my 1 week anniversary for my first date and I feel like I became a new person. I still have aaaa lot of work to do but thanks to advice like this I'm having good faith.

My conversations with people are totally different. Feeling the body during conversations is so important so I totally understand what you wrote here.

Quote

Look at this way. You have a sense of touch with which you can feel shape. You have a sense of sound, which adds direction. You have the sense of taste that tells you the food you need. You have the sense of sight that can tell things that lie ahead. Then, you have reason that creates past and future. But all of these relate to the shared space we conventionally call "objective". There is another sense, which is the sense of self that allows you to perceive, well, yourself. Emotions are your sense of self.

Only wanting to feel good feelings in life is like always wanting to see things that are red, or hearing things that have high pitch. It is ridiculous if you think about it. What you want is to see things that are really there so that you can see a car that will hit you. The same applies to emotions. You want to experience what is really there, so that you truly know what you are. Emotions do not arise in response to something that happens to you, so chasing things that make you feel good will never work. You are creating your emotions. Right now, they are hoisted by the circus trainer as a whip to get you through the day with minimal effort. It tells you things that feel awful so that you have no strength to oppose him. Start choosing your thoughts deliberately by feeling which thoughts are right for you.

Is it really a matter of choosing what you want to feel? I always thought one doesn't have control over emotions and that emotions are a response to one's thoughts/actions.

Quote

what I'm advising is: think about what needy really means. Right now, it probably does not mean much to you. It probably means: stop being this way, you are not okay. And I bet that it feels awful. Focus on this word and try to find its true meaning. Not just any meaning. Try to be honest and find what it means so that it does not feel this awful to be needy. This may sound like a big task, but it is important.

Neediness has a bad connotation I guess because it looks from the other people's view who perceives my behavior as value sucking. From my perspective being needy is like a baby crying for milk: it is innocence.

[tsuki]

4 minutes ago, StarStruck said:

Is it really a matter of choosing what you want to feel?

Choosing like what? Snap of the fingers and boom, fear/anger/etc? No, not really. Peter Ralston seems to say that it is possible though.

6 minutes ago, StarStruck said:

I always thought one doesn't have control over emotions and that emotions are a response to one's thoughts/actions.

How is that not having control over your emotions?  You just have to think and act the right way! "Right" being the way that feels good .

7 minutes ago, StarStruck said:

Neediness has a bad connotation I guess because it looks from the other people's view who perceives my behavior as value sucking. From my perspective being needy is like a baby crying for milk: it is innocence.

Bravo! You are a quick learner!
You are being needy when you want others to regulate your emotions. You can take responsibility for them yourself! Just see the baby and get it what it really needs.

[Thestarguitarist14]

2 hours ago, StarStruck said:

Little update:

• Yesterday I called her. We had a 40 minutes conversation.
• I pushed her to make a choice; she couldn't say she doesn't like me.
• She told me she really really likes me but because I acted like a boyfriend he treated me like one, instead of a fuckboy
• This is the reason why she didn't want to fuck me because she wanted to date me but now she changed her mind and also doesn't want to date me
• She told me a lot of bullshit like I have no time, uni is starting, I'm moving away to 1 hour drive from you. I told her if you really like me you would date me. You would make time.
• Eventually she caved in and said she wants an alpha male: 1. somebody who can keep her under his thumb 2. extrovert/non-needy
• We agreed that we will become friends but she gave signals sex is possible

 

 

Basically she likes you, but you have displayed too many res flags for her.  You did not get her pussy wet.  She is also not looking for a relationship.  If you desire a relationship, then she is not the one for you 

2 hours ago, StarStruck said:

Ok, I will trust you and do the exercises. First I will visualize I'm holding her. Then I will fuck her brains out.

 

This will help you.  In a month or so, you won’t even want her.

 

2 hours ago, StarStruck said:

 

Agreed. That is why I can't afford being myself any more. I noticed that I'm sending out signals that I'm low value and that the other person is more worth than me. Previously I didn't even notice this.

No.  You being needy and having low self esteem is not you being yourself.  That is you identifying with states of being that you have been conditioned to believe.  Please, go listen to psycho cybernetics as well as the six pillars of self esteem: 

 

2 hours ago, StarStruck said:

 

She helped me out of the slumb and she was the first woman she wanted to date me. Show some empathy. I can't really control my feelings right? I can't help her I like her. I want to use her for my spiritual and social skill growth. You don't even want to know how much I changed within 1 week... thanks to her. If she didn't want to date me, I would still be emotionally stuck

All she did was shine a light on your issues.  She forced you to reconcile them.  She has done nothing for you.  Don’t give her that much credit.  You are the one who is allowing yourself to change.

This is the issue that most people have.  They get into their minds that this other person is healing them and they believe that they need them.  Has it ever occurred to you that perhaps anything that she has done that has helped you was just happenstance?  That she has had no intention of doing anything to help you.  To me, it is clear that she is solely out for herself.

 

[StarStruck]

@Thestarguitarist14 @tsuki thanks guys, you guys helped me a lot. I'm starting to feel I'm loping and I don't want waste your guy's time. There is enough advice and info in this topic to keep me busy for at least a week. I caught myself trying to let this thread going so I have somebody to talk to, which would be unfair to you guys.

I know I have to focus inwards but I also need somebody to talk to. I have one friend that I know from the gym. We can talk about things but he always connects it to Evangelical Christianity. He is fundamentalist. If I tell him I'm not interested in his religion I'm afraid he will not be my friend anymore.

I'm in such a difficult situation. Just doing inward work is not cutting it for me. Yesterday I felt so elevated and today I just lost total perspective on life. So much pain, suffering and disappointment and I'm going to die one day anyway. I feel like you guys are doing your best effort and I'm just not listening because of my roller coaster of emotions.

[Proserpina]

 From reading what you've written @StarStruck,  I don't think she likes you.  You should split. A part of spiritual maturity is learning to listen to your gut and minimizing contact with sources who are unhelpful. 

Edited October 4, 2020 by Proserpina