Advice/Feedback for Having Better Sex

[TeaMasterDrinker]

Hello everybody, first post here. 

I'll give a bit of my background for context in this post.  My girlfriend and I have been together for about 5 years and we have always been very open with each other and have good communication.  She came from a religious background and a fairly stage blue family from a small town.  I've always considered myself a bit of a hippie and from a stage orange family.  I was introduced to psychedelics when I was 17 and began spiritual practices when I was 23 (I'm 29 now).  It wasn't until I saw Leos videos a few years ago that I seriously combined my psychedelic experiences with spiritual practices as well.  Any who, I was able to introduce her to psychedelics and spirituality and I feel she's made significant progress towards green.

Our main challenge with our relationship ( I think) is our inability to have long, deep, passionate, satisfying sex.  We've talked about it and because of her upbringing she still feels shame about her body and sexuality which makes it hard for her to open up, let go and relax during sex.  She's never had an orgasm before, not with me or her previous boyfriends or during solo masturbation.  And that breaks my heart.  I've worked on foreplay quite a bit, which we do anywhere from 5 to 20 minutes, but when it comes to penetration I can only last from 3 to 5 minutes on average .  Our sex is still fun and weekly but we both know it could be way better.

With all that being said, I've let this issue go on for way too long and I want to do something about it. I want to make it my mission to be the first person to give her an orgasm. Any feedback would be greatly appreciated.  Any quality reference to material for men to be able to give better foreplay and longer endurance in bed would also be great.  She is currently taking an online course from Kim Anami  (the well fucked woman) to increase her sexual confidence, openness and ability to orgasm.  Kim Anami also has a course called Sexual Mastery for Men which I'm contemplating.  Has anyone taken this course and noticed good results? 

Thanks in advance,

[Roy]

This will just be some quick points to consider I don't have time for a super detailed answer, apologies;

- It's probably a mental block from her upbringing, like you've mentioned. She might have some self-esteem issues around her body and lacks confidence because she wasn't taught or given implicit permission to explore her own body, which keeps her reserved and closed off physically. She needs to go back into her past either through contemplation on her own to unlearn and unwire what she was taught, if she can't do it on her own consider consulting (with a female) sex therapist. Also give her permission to masturbate on her own. You need to encourage her to use it as a tool to understand her physiology better, and that she doesn't need to be ashamed of it. It's perfectly natural. If she doesn't exercise already it might be a good idea as well, that will help her get in touch with her body as well. Most women don't these days unfortunately which contribute to this.

- If you want to last longer you counter-intuitively need to feel into your body more, not get out of it using your head. I have struggled a few times with PE before and I've crushed and conquered all anxieties around it for good now by getting in touch with myself and the "feeling" of sex more. Meditation practices help with this as you will get used to tapping into feeling more frequently, and dissolving thoughts. Thoughts are exactly what causes not lasting very long, because it's a self fulfilling prophecy that if you're worried about it, that's what you'll be focusing on. Tap into your body and the sensations more, not just in your penis but in everything else. Feel breathing, feel your leg muscles, feel the heat of your blood flowing, and feel the rhythm of the sex. You want to be going with a natural and comfortable pace, and leading her. Instead of worrying about details about what position necessarily, or how long you should be doing something. The sex will be more intimate and deep if you let it guide you and submit to the feelings and emotions of it, instead of trying to mechanically control it. Just my experience.

- Consider buying a vibrator dildo to help stimulate her, a decent one is $40-60 and a worthwhile investment. It is your friend here. She can use it solo. She can use it on you. Or you can use it while eating her out or having sex with her.

- Also try this technique if you don't know about it;

Good luck mate!

Edited September 15, 2020 by Roy

[TeaMasterDrinker]

Thanks for the response @Roy

51 minutes ago, Roy said:

This will just be some quick points to consider I don't have time for a super detailed answer, apologies;

- It's probably a mental block from her upbringing, like you've mentioned. She might have some self-esteem issues around her body and lacks confidence because she wasn't taught or given implicit permission to explore her own body, which keeps her reserved and closed off physically. She needs to go back into her past either through contemplation on her own to unlearn and unwire what she was taught, if she can't do it on her own consider consulting (with a female) sex therapist. Also give her permission to masturbate on her own. You need to encourage her to use it as a tool to understand her physiology better, and that she doesn't need to be ashamed of it. It's perfectly natural. If she doesn't exercise already it might be a good idea as well, that will help her get in touch with her body as well. Most women don't these days unfortunately which contribute to this.

 

56 minutes ago, Roy said:

- Consider buying a vibrator dildo to help stimulate her, a decent one is $40-60 and a worthwhile investment. It is your friend here. She can use it solo. She can use it on you. Or you can use it while eating her out or having sex with her.

She recently has really gotten interested in trying to sort all this out, so she has purchased a vibrator and like I said she's been doing an online course to try to remove her blockages and open up.  I'm supportive about her masturbating and using a vibrator but I think the blockages run deep and she's still a little bit awkward about it.  I guess if it doesn't get better then a sex therapist will be an option.  She's also tried her first mushroom trip and she had a pretty good session with lots reflection on her past.  I think we may be able to do the unwiring and acceptance of her past if we carefully repeat these sessions.

1 hour ago, Roy said:

- If you want to last longer you counter-intuitively need to feel into your body more, not get out of it using your head. I have struggled a few times with PE before and I've crushed and conquered all anxieties around it for good now by getting in touch with myself and the "feeling" of sex more. Meditation practices help with this as you will get used to tapping into feeling more frequently, and dissolving thoughts.

I am very intrigued by this.  I've read David Dieda's Way of the Superior Man and similar books and this was a common technique.  I'm a daily meditator and I spend a lot of time doing Vipassana.  When I tried being hyper aware of my body and slowing my breathing during sex it seemed to work slightly but inevitably the impending sense of no return always appeared too early.  It's very possible I kind of gave up on this too early because I didn't notice results quick enough.

How did you crush and conquer this by getting in touch with yourself?  Was it through repetitive practice during sex or meditation or a different practice?

 

[electroBeam]

27 minutes ago, TeaMasterDrinker said:

 

I am very intrigued by this.  I've read David Dieda's Way of the Superior Man and similar books and this was a common technique.  I'm a daily meditator and I spend a lot of time doing Vipassana.  When I tried being hyper aware of my body and slowing my breathing during sex it seemed to work slightly but inevitably the impending sense of no return always appeared too early.  It's very possible I kind of gave up on this too early because I didn't notice results quick enough.

How did you crush and conquer this by getting in touch with yourself?  Was it through repetitive practice during sex or meditation or a different practice?

 

Why don't you just practice it every day then m8? After vipassana just masturbate and practice squeezing the genital muscles (pelvic?) and holding it in and getting close to the point of no return. 

[TeaMasterDrinker]

21 minutes ago, electroBeam said:

Why don't you just practice it every day then m8? After vipassana just masturbate and practice squeezing the genital muscles (pelvic?) and holding it in and getting close to the point of no return. 

I've definitely tried this in the past, not everyday, more like 3 times a week, but I just didn't see any results.  Like I mentioned before I may have given up too seen before seeing results so I will give this another shot.  But also, just for clarification, what exactly in this exercise is actually contributing to the endurance.  Is it just the practice of breathing calm and focusing on the sensations of the whole body and not just the penis, or is it continuous stopping at the point of no return and squeezing the pelvic muscles and restarting that train the endurance?  Maybe both?

[hamedsf]

sex is a natural expression of your masculine body towards feminine sexual body, if you'd know how to unleash the power of your body you'd be much greater at sex but at the same time, don't be a dumb clueless hoping that your body will do everything 100% on autopilot. get your head filled with sexual knowledge as well.

[Martin123]

@TeaMasterDrinker Hi TeaMasterDrinker!

Sexual problems tend to be related to how emotionally open and vulnerable we are able to be with ourselves and with others.

This means that the solution to your sexual satisfaction is actually the best appraoched backwards. Find how to introduce deeply beautiful and intimate moments into your relationship.

Go on a romantic walk holding hands and talking with each other about how you feel and how deeply you appreciate one another.
Practice eye gazing with each other, and allow yourselves to be lost in your partners eyes.
Do intimate massages and/or foootrubs.
Take intimate and relaxing baths together.

Introduce more vulnerability into the relationship, and allow the sex to be vulnerable. Once that becomes a new norm, your relationship will be transformed and will allow your girlfriend to be emotionally relaxed with you enough to actually be open during sex and allow herself to orgasm and to be pleasured by herself and in your presence.

It is not a sexual problem, it is an intimacy issue.

[Iesu]

@TeaMasterDrinker yo my guy look up tantric/Taoist sexuality. Semen retention here is a solid channel. 100% chance your girl will have one. 

Raise your TEST and cut off all sources of stimulation. Nicotine, weed, etc dopamine detox

i personally did 90 days and passed boot camp. Nofap is the answer 

Edited November 9, 2021 by Iesu