Iiris

Building Foundational Habits

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Hello!

I just created a journal on finding my Life Purpose, and I remembered how much I enjoy having these self-actualization journals going on. So I'm doing another one! Plus this is a thing that I really need to be working on. I'm going to focus on three daily habits in this journal:

  • Meditation
  • Exercise
  • Consistent sleep

I'm trying to keep it really simple because I already have this Life Purpose stuff going on and I don't want to overwhelm myself. I also have a job which takes time and energy. I consider these three very important habits and I think they're going to support my LP journey as well. Another habit could be having healthy diet, but my diet isn't terrible, and I live with my parents so it's not very convenient to start being too picky about what I eat.

I've done meditation inconsistently for about 2 years. Exercise, mostly hatha yoga, I've been doing inconsistenlty for almost 4 years. I've been slacking off on both of those when I'm having a bad day, week or month. And my sleeping habits have been total shit lately. Some nights I watch Youtube videos until it's like 5am and then I have a mental breakdown when I realize that I have to wake up in two hours and I'm tired as hell because last night I slept too little also.

I also have a crippling perfectionism and an unhealthy all or nothing -kind of attitude about life. It makes me slack off and keep going through the same cycles over and over and over again. If I fail one thing, I give up on everything else. And then I start again. And then I fail one thing and give up on everything else for a while. And so the cycle continues. The deeper problem here is definitely that I don't accept myself as I am, and I try to be perfect so I could feel like I am enough

But yeah...I hope and believe this journal helps me to be consistent with at least these three habits and help me let go of the perfectionionism a little. I'm going to start defining the details of the habits later, and they're probably going to change throughout this journal.

Don't know how much I'll be able to write about only these three things. Might be a very boring journal, or might be just a bit boring one. I might write about other stuff too

Here's the LP journal:

Thanks for reading, wishing you all the best in your journeysI Comments are welcome

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Posted (edited)

I’m going to be vely clear here so I don’t start lying in twisted ways

This is how I did yesterday and last night. I saw someone use fancy signs in their journal and I’m going to steal that idea (I’m on my phone, I wonder if I can just copypaste them on computer from now on): ✅ means done, ❌ means not really done:

Exercise ✅ I did yoga

Meditation ✅ was a really short one but still meditation

Sleep ❌ slept too little but I tried

I had a really overactive mind last night. Ironically, all this journal hustle contributed to that. I slept about 5-6 hours. I couldn’t fall asleep and I woke up a lot earlier than I was supposed to.

I had my possibly worst sleep deprivation ever during my final exams a few months ago. It was a really great time to have that don’t you think. It made me underachieve in some of my exams. Sometimes I tried to sleep, sometimes I didn’t. So it was partly self-induced

If I try to sleep but can’t, I won’t blame myself.
I’ve been trying to have this commitment that I’m not opening my phone or computer after midnight but I’ve been slacking off from it. Unless I’m at some special event. And I’m going to decide BEFOREHAND if it’s a special event.
I already start to feel like I’m in a rule jungle. All I should really do is to love myself and act like it. But I don’t know if I’m there yet

I’m not opening my phone or computer after midnight. If I can’t sleep I’ll doodle or write something in my private journal, or I’ll read. Or lay on my floor in a star position. Or whatever! I think I’ll make this my goal here instead of just ”sleep”

Edit: the name of this journal is a bit dry. Kind of the same thing with my other journal. But I don’t know if I can figure out a better one. Coming up with good titles is difficult as heck

Edited by Iiris

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On 24/05/2020 at 7:33 AM, Iiris said:

I've previously made a journal about my social anxiety. I still have social anxiety, but I've learned to love myself more and I'm not really avoiding social situations. Though I'm a pretty unbalanced individual still

Hello again! 

giphy.gif

On 25/05/2020 at 9:43 PM, Iiris said:

I also have a crippling perfectionism and an unhealthy all or nothing -kind of attitude about life. It makes me slack off and keep going through the same cycles over and over and over again. If I fail one thing, I give up on everything else. And then I start again. And then I fail one thing and give up on everything else for a while. And so the cycle continues. The deeper problem here is definitely that I don't accept myself as I am, and I try to be perfect so I could feel like I am enough

I've had this problem for most of my life as well. I'm learning to manage it much better though.
One simple exercise that I find very good is sentence completions handwritten into a little notebook that I keep on my pillow.

At the moment I hand write out: 
"If I brought 5% more self-love into my day I would ..." 
and then finish the sentence with whatever pops into my head.
I repeat it 10 times, writing the sentences in full each time.

It takes about 5-10 minutes. 

It's good writing the 5% part because it removes the psychological pressure of having to perform something amazingly and perfectly.
Handwriting immediately before bed and after you wake up takes advantage of the transition phases between sleep and wakefulness so it drips into your subconscious mind better.

If you try it out for a few weeks, you will notice a subtle but powerful shift in your attitude towards all the stuff you usually avoid doing.

Two books I would recommend for sleeping are 
Why we sleep - Matthew Walker
Yoga Nidra: The Art of Transformational Sleep - Kamini Desai

I have just re-read them myself because my sleep patterns are also terrible right now. The first one is a good kick in the butt to do something about it and Yoga Nidra is a cool way to combine meditation with going to sleep. If you can't sleep, you can just meditate. Win-win!

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Posted (edited)

@Marc Schinkel Hello! Cute gif xD

It's a relief to hear that someone else has this problem too, makes me feel less like a weirdo. And thanks for all the advice! I'm going to start doing the sentence completion thing. Imma write here how it goes. I'll look into those books also :)

 

Here's yesterday and last night:

  • Exercise ✅ did yoga
  • Meditation ✅
  • Sleep
    • No electronics ✅ plus I actually slept well

Other stuff: I already have a part-time job, and I got a new one which I regret immensly. In the new one I have to sort mail and go bring it to people, and it has the shittiest pay ever. Plus no one tells me how to to it, I have to figure it out for myself. I feel like this dog:

Dog-walks-Himself-Across-The-Street-Holding-His-Own-Leash.jpg

But it's okay, at least the part where I bring the mail to people is good exercise

 

Edited by Iiris

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Yesterday and last night (let's just assume it's always like that unless I say otherwise)

  • Exercise (yoga) ✅
  • Meditation ✅
  • Sleep
    • No electronics after midnight ✅ but I woke up too early so I slept about 6 hours, I'm tired feeling like a zombie :( And kind of pissed off. Meh

I did the sentence completion thing last night and this morning, I forgot I was supposed to do 10 so I did only one but anyways it made me feel very gentle, it was great. I was trying to do the self-love one, but I like to do this work in my own language when I can, and there is literally no equivalent in my language for the word self-love! It's so dumb. If you translate it directly it is a word, but that word means 'narcissism' or 'selfishness'. But yeah I just wrote it in the form of 'If I loved myself 5% more I would...'

I did the mail/paper distribution thing yesterday for the first time and god damnit. I was already thinking how I'll politely say 'I quit.' Thing distribution about 2,5 hours + the sorting of the mail took over 1 hour. I just asked how much I get from that job and they answered ABOUT 12 EUROS. I was literally running around the town and people's staircases for 2,5 hours half-dead. I had a car but it didn't help very much. And I don't know how to park a car in practice. If I get one parking ticket that's worth four months of working at that place. Alright, I'm sending an email now where I say I can't do this anymore. Bye job

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I'll change exercise to yoga because it's basically the only exercise I do ever, hatha yoga type stuff

  • Yoga ✅
  • Meditation ✅
  • Sleep
    • No electronics after midnight ✅ but I woke up too early again?? I fell asleep again though. But then my alarm rang. I think I slept under 7 hours. I'm pretty sleep deprived and everything makes me cry because of that

Got a slightly passive aggressive email back. It was an asshole move to quit after the first day. But it's also an asshole move to pay someone 4e an hour for a physically challenging job.

I grabbed my phone first thing in the morning instead of doing the sentence completion thing and I blamed myself so much for it. Which is ironic because the exercise enhances self-love. I have such a need to be in control of myself. Half the reason I'm into this self-help stuff is because I feel like I need to control myself. But probably the best self-help thing I could do is let go of that need for control. Which is ironic. Many things seem to be!

I kind of want to get my phone out of my room for the night, but I need something with which I can check the time! It could be my alarm clock. But my alarm clock is already on the other side of the room so I have to run to it when it rings in the morning. If it's next to me I'll just fall asleep again immediately after it rings. I guess I need to find some little clock somewhere that I can put next to me

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Posted (edited)

  • Yoga ✅
  • Meditation ✅
  • Sleep
    • No electronics ✅ though I used my phone timer for meditation after midnight but I don't think that counts

I slept like 7 hours which is not enough. I sat on the side of my bed thinking about stuff intensely for about an hour, and I also meditated at night, which made me go to sleep at 01:15 or something. This sleep thing isn't going very fabulously. I can't keep meditating in the middle of the night. I don't really have a specific time I meditate I just do it whenever. It's kind of problematic.

Today should be the day I'm having a graduation party but because of the virus it's cancelled. My parents had bought me flowers, and it made me genuinely happy, I guess I know I'm getting old when flowers make me happy

I ordered the Yoga Nidra book. I really like buying books, more than I like reading them. The other sleep book I can get from the library, I reserved it.

 

Her singing makes me cry:

I've been trying to find my earpuds for 20 minutes and I can't find them anywhere. For god's sake where can one pair of earbuds be? Alright I found them now yay!

 

Funny story: I once lost a pen when I was studying for final exams. I was looking for the pen for like 30 minutes until I gave up. Then some time later I looked into the mirror and THE PEN WAS IN MY HAIR. I had my hair up and I had put the pen there. Laughed my ass off

Edited by Iiris

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On 30/05/2020 at 2:18 AM, Iiris said:

I grabbed my phone first thing in the morning instead of doing the sentence completion thing and I blamed myself so much for it. Which is ironic because the exercise enhances self-love. I have such a need to be in control of myself. Half the reason I'm into this self-help stuff is because I feel like I need to control myself. But probably the best self-help thing I could do is let go of that need for control. Which is ironic. Many things seem to be!

Maybe your first sentence could be something like: 
"If I loved myself 5% more I wouldn't beat myself up for not doing my sentence completions perfectly and keep moving forward anyway" xD
 

11 hours ago, Iiris said:

I ordered the Yoga Nidra book. I really like buying books, more than I like reading them. The other sleep book I can get from the library, I reserved it.

lol xD ... well, I hope it looks pretty on your shelf.

Lovely music :x

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11 hours ago, Marc Schinkel said:

Maybe your first sentence could be something like: 
"If I loved myself 5% more I wouldn't beat myself up for not doing my sentence completions perfectly and keep moving forward anyway" 

Yeah I did the thing after, and the first sentence was something along those lines hehe

12 hours ago, Marc Schinkel said:

lol xD ... well, I hope it looks pretty on your shelf.

Me too xD

11 hours ago, Marc Schinkel said:

Lovely music :x

 It really is! ^_^

 

  • Yoga ✅ I did it after drinking two glasses of chapagne, it was a funny experience
  • Meditation ✅ in the middle of the night, damnit
  • Sleep
    • No electronics after midnight ❌ but I only sent one text message and opened Onenote for a minute

I think I slept 7,5 hours. Not enough. And the midnight meditation happened again. Drunken yoga was a new one. But I guess both are better than no meditation and yoga. I think I should put myself a goal here under the sleep category that I'm done with all necessary things of the day before midnight and in my bed ready to sleep. Here it comes: I'm going to be in my bed ready to sleep before midnight. It would be especially important before workdays (because I have to wake up pretty early). I can do the sentence completion thing after. And if I can't sleep I can journal about other things or grab a book or something.

And after sending this post I'm going to jump into my bed and TAKE A NAP.

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  • Yoga ✅ was short one but still yoga
  • Meditation ✅
  • Sleep
    • No electronics ✅
    • In my bed before midnight ✅

I slept almost 8 hours yay!

I don't know if I'm misinterpreting syncronizities or if they are actually happening. I'm not even sure what's the difference between interpretation and actuality.

But I love my dog! And I should give her more attention she looks so lonely sometimes it makes me sad. She needs a lot of attention, I think she is traumatized. Kinda like me. Or the attention seeking might be just a trait of her breed. She's goddamn crazy otherwise too, she starts screaming LOUDLY out of happiness when anyone comes home. She's smart though (doesn't really look like it)

IMG_1488.PNG

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Posted (edited)

Did meditation before yoga yesterday

  • Meditation ✅
  • Yoga ✅
  • Sleep
    • No electronics ✅
    • Bedtime ✅

I slept under seven hours, I woke up too early, at 7. I would have to wake up about 8:30 for work.

I had a shame attack yesterday evening. Tried to deal with it somewhat consciously. I've been having a weird lack of being ashamed of myself lately so I guess that was a backlash from that. Shame is a crushing emotion, and a selfish one, I totally hate it.

Anger is a bit nicer even though I rarely feel it strongly. I feel it at work from time to time. My work is basically that I help this old woman in her house. She snaps at me for no reason sometimes. I feel like yelling back at her but I'm not doing that. Today was close but I managed to take a breath and then speak calmly.

She's nice most of the time though and I'm grateful for this job

Edited by Iiris

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23 hours ago, Iiris said:

I had a shame attack yesterday evening. Tried to deal with it somewhat consciously. I've been having a weird lack of being ashamed of myself lately so I guess that was a backlash from that. Shame is a crushing emotion, and a selfish one, I totally hate it.

Yeah, been there done that. -_-

Letting Go - David Hawkins
Soul without Shame - Byron Brown
The Gifts of Imperfection - Brené Brown
Healing the Shame that Binds You - John Bradshaw
Healing the Core Wound of Unworthiness - Adyashanti
Radical Self-Acceptance: A Buddhist Guide to Freeing Yourself from Shame - Tara Brach

giphy.gif

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@Marc Schinkel  go do your wim hof :D

 


Long live the Roman 

🅗🅔🅐🅣🅗 - 🅜🅨 🅞🅦🅝 🅒🅞🅒🅞🅞🅝 🅞🅕 🅛🅞🅥🅔 🅐🅝🅓 🅟🅔🅐🅒🅔

My twin Flame guardian is a Dragon. 

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@Marc Schinkel Thank you!! Gonna look into those :)

 

  • Yoga ✅
  • Meditation ✅
  • Sleep
    • No electronics ✅
    • Bedtime ✅

I slept under 7 hours. I was laying in my bed thinking about stuff intensely about 45 minutes before I moved on to sleep. And I woke up too early. Fricking stress.

I I probably should have mentioned this earlier but I nowadays I meditate about 10-20 minutes with a guided meditation. Don't yell at me. At least I fricken meditate. Been doing this Yoga with Adriene stuff. And some random meditations, yoga practices, and meditation and yoga challenges from Youtube that come up. Sometimes I meditate alone. I maybe should be a bit more intentional with this stuff.

I used to be more neurotic about meditation. I'm taking it easier now. And I actually enjoy it. When my ego is not being super aggressive.

A Rupert Spira meditation once gave me a mental breakdown and maybe a taste of enlightenment. It was RELIEVING. I still have it saved it was this one

For some reason I haven't done more of his meditations. I think I'm going to try more of them soon

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10 hours ago, Iiris said:

I probably should have mentioned this earlier but I nowadays I meditate about 10-20 minutes with a guided meditation. Don't yell at me. At least I fricken meditate.


Oh sweetheart, there's absolutely nothing wrong with you if you're only a "once per day meditator". You have nothing to be ashamed of. If you're looking over your shoulder at all these people who say "I meditate twice a day" "three times a day" "four times on weekends", understand that they're on their own journeys. You don't know, maybe they're feeling insecure about themselves and they're just looking for a little bit of love from you.

You just sit nice and quietly until you're satisfied with your effort and then send everyone a little metta. When you get up you can tell yourself "I am enough" "I am a once per day meditator" "This is what feels right for me". Then go about your business without worrying about anything.

 

13 hours ago, Preety_India said:

@Marc Schinkel  go do your wim hof :D

I haven't needed to do that for years. Reading your posts makes my heart beat fast enough.

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17 minutes ago, Preety_India said:

When someone says something mean to me, it says more about that person than me. 

Have a good day. 

And yes, don't bother to read my posts If it impacts your heart.

Ok, the way I see it ignoring one another for a while is a win-win.

Quote

 

“Absence is to love what wind is to fire; it extinguishes the small, it inflames the great.”

― Roger de Bussy-Rabutin

 

 

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Posted (edited)

😅

 

7 hours ago, Marc Schinkel said:

Oh sweetheart, there's absolutely nothing wrong with you if you're only a "once per day meditator". You have nothing to be ashamed of. If you're looking over your shoulder at all these people who say "I meditate twice a day" "three times a day" "four times on weekends", understand that they're on their own journeys. You don't know, maybe they're feeling insecure about themselves and they're just looking for a little bit of love from you.

You just sit nice and quietly until you're satisfied with your effort and then send everyone a little metta. When you get up you can tell yourself "I am enough" "I am a once per day meditator" "This is what feels right for me". Then go about your business without worrying about anything.

😊thanks I appreciate that, will try to remember!

 

  • Yoga ✅ 30min
  • Meditation ✅ guided 15min
  • Sleep
    • No electronics ✅
    • Bedtime ✅

Yeah... I was thinking about stuff intensely about 1,5 hours in my bed before I started the sentence completion thing. I tried to do all the thinking before it so I could fall asleep after so all the self-love would sink into my subconscious :D Darn it. I think I fell asleep at 2am. And I woke up too early. Slept about 6,5 hours. It's stress, but it's also the increased light that causes this

I was laying in my bed about 3,5 hours this morning before I managed to get up.

I could put another rule in the sleeping category. But as long as I hate myself I find a way to go around it. Fricken self-sabotage

This is not a good day lol feeling lazy feeling like a victim

I realized because of the increased light I'm able to see the time from my alarm clock from across the room. So I don't need to have my phone next to me at night. I'm going to put it in the other side of the room at night from now on.

I have an entrance exam today. I haven't studied a minute so I won't get through. But the point is, I promise myself, after that I'm going to take a nap.

 

Edited by Iiris

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Posted (edited)

  • Yoga ✅ 15min
  • Meditation ✅ 15min guided
  • Sleep
    • No electronics ✅
    • Bedtime ✅
On 4.6.2020 at 1:41 PM, Iiris said:

But the point is, I promise myself, after that I'm going to take a nap.

Didn't have time :((

I started feeling better yesterday evening. I straightened my spine, started breathing deeply and massaged my neck and shoulders. Helps a lot. And I didn't overthink last night! I slept about 7 hours

The entrance exam was made so that I couldn't even be prepared for it. So it actually went well. But there's a second phase where you're supposed to actually know stuff, and that I wouldn't survive

Edited by Iiris

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Posted (edited)

  • Yoga ✅ 35min
  • Meditation ✅ 20min guided
  • Sleep
    • No electronics ❌ but I opened my phone for just 20 seconds doesn't really matter
    • Bedtime ✅

I found Why I am I doing this to myself? Is a great question to ask. I don't even have to answer it just shuts off the bullshit and self-sabotage immediately. They come back as quicky as they left though.

The Yoga Nidra book arrived and I'm going to read at least a chapter every day.

On 30.5.2020 at 5:19 PM, Iiris said:

I really like buying books, more than I like reading them.

Taking that back. I like reading books more. Especially when I'm just starting to read them.

I should read more fiction books. I used to read a lot of them as a kid. I really enjoyed it. I used to read mostly fantasy. And some dystopia novels from Margaret Atwood that I really liked

Edited by Iiris

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On 30.5.2020 at 5:19 PM, Iiris said:

Funny story: I once lost a pen when I was studying for final exams. I was looking for the pen for like 30 minutes until I gave up. Then some time later I looked into the mirror and THE PEN WAS IN MY HAIR. I had my hair up and I had put the pen there. Laughed my ass off

That was kind of an unintentional enlightenment metaphor

  • Yoga ✅ 10min
  • Meditation ✅ 5min 😅 guided
  • Sleep
    • No electronics ✅
    • Bedtime ✅

But I was thinking too much again so I slept under 6 hours.

I once read from a book that it's really healthy to just hang from a pull up bar for like 20 seconds every day. So I got myself a pull up bar, I'm going to start hanging from it, embrace my inner orangutan

th.jpg

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