Building Foundational Habits

[Iiris]

• Yoga ✅ 5min
• Meditation ✅ 5min alone
• Sleep ❌ 8h

Aah for fucks sake

Fell asleep late but woke up late too

It's raining and I sort of feel like going outside and just letting it pour over me. But I probably wont do that. Maybe if I was alone I would. Anyways, I feel like letting go.

Edited July 29, 2020 by Iiris

[Iiris]

• Yoga ✅ 30min + 20min
• Meditation ✅ 15min alone
• Sleep ❌ 7.5h and took a nap

Sometimes it's good to just dwell in self-hatred and cry. I think

The perfectionism is coming back again as bad as it used to be. 

I find it difficult to share certain things even here? Well I won't force myself.

I'm just feeling this MEANINGLESSNESS. Dunno what to do with it.

Something positive? Well I hope I'm going through some kind of purification rn. I'm not feeling very positive. Totally feeling like a victim again. No gratitude. I hate being this selfish. Well at least I could accept that I am like this. I think I just need more sleep.

[Iiris]

• Yoga ❌
• Meditation ❌
• Sleep ❌ 4.5h and took a nap

At least I went to work yesterday. Went to sleep at 4

Today has been better. Been trying to let go of the need of control. Embrace the negative emotion, it becomes positive.

[Iiris]

• Yoga ✅ 20min
• Meditation ✅ 15min alone
• Sleep ❌ 9h

Went to sleep at 1

Back to If I loved mysef 5% more I would... I realized I've stopped feeling the sentences and I'm just writing them out mechanically. That doesn't work. Last night and this morning I tried writing them with feeling again. I can feel the effects now. It takes more time and effort to write them with feeling because I have to figure out somehting authentic. But it's way better. Also it's easiest to feel it in that If I loved myself 5% more form. It's more direct than If I added 5% more self-love to my day, I feel. I also like to just keep it with the themes of love and compassion because I feel like with those things I'm not forcing myself. I can write anything I feel like writing.

I finally finished watching Better call Saul. I wonder why I even took a break from that series. At points it manages to give me almost the same amount of anxiety as Breraking Bad did. I guess I just found it boring because of that law stuff. And it's more slow-paced than BB. And there's just less tension. Breaking Bad manages to build enormous amounts of tension.

If I stop worrying about everything else I start worrying about final exams. If I don't get the best grade this time I will die, I feel like. 1.5 months of full time studying wasted. Place at a university slips out of hands. I still haven't made a plan. Really I would have to start seriously studying at 15. august. But yeah. If I start worrying about that too much again, I will just breathe.

[Iiris]

• Yoga ✅ 5min
• Meditation ✅ 10min alone
• Sleep ❌ 3.5h

I don't even know what to say. Tooo painful stuff. This is like a joke. I'm going to eat and then sleep.

[Iiris]

• Yoga ✅ 5min
• Meditation ✅ 5min alone
• Seep ❌ 7h

Went to sleep at 2.

Got the another 2 of my wisdom teeth removed today. Not like I've been doing the Yoga with Adriene stuff that much but I can't do it for a few days now because my mouth is bleeding. I'll just lay on the floor and do some stretching

Yesterday I was thinking about this movie that traumatized me as a kid

 

[Iiris]

• Yoga ✅ 5min
• Meditation ✅ 15min alone
• Sleep ✅ 9h and took a nap

Alright I finally feel like I have my stuff together. I've had this habit app Momentum but I haven't been using it lately. Now I started using it again and added a bunch of habits there like these and some others, like reading, sentence completions and watching these psychology videos for final exams. I feel less overwhelmed now. I'm going to still have only these three habits in this journal I think.

The problem with this habit tracking thing is that it feels inauthentic to me. But if I don't do it I fall into this laziness and don't do anything. So I guess it's better to to just track them.

Of course I could decide that I can do whatever I want. Maybe I would be lazy for a while but then I would start to do things that feel authentic to me. But that wouldn't really work now because I have many obligations right now.

I kind of feel like moving to some cottage and isolating myself from everything. Not sure if I could handle that though

I'm glad that I don't have to go to work for three days because of this teeth removal. But the woman and her husband they have these taxi cards and I forgot them in my wallet when I was giving them to the taxi driver. I hope that they aren't desperately looking for them right now. I always forget their cards in my wallet when I use them. I worry they think that I'm doing it intentionally. I have this problem too that I put their stuff to places and then I can't find it later because I forgot where I put it.

Edited August 4, 2020 by Iiris

[Iiris]

• Yoga ✅ 25min
• Meditation ✅ 15min alone
• Sleep ✅ 9h

I often end up meditating at about 23:45 when I'm supposed to go to sleep at midnight. Yesterday the first ten minutes I was just thinking so I was meditating for about 10 minutes minutes after the timer rang until it was like 00:10. But I'll still say I went to bed early enough though I'm lying a bit

I'm stressed about how quickly these three days off from work went and tomorrow I have to go again

Today I have to finally look for some good wireless earpuds and check out the unemployment benefit thing. Also, I left my shoes and backpack to the cobbler like two weeks ago and I still haven't heard anything of them, what the heck. Also, I have to check out the childcare course thing today. I'm planning on signing up for that so that I could maybe work as an au pair somewhere 

Edited August 5, 2020 by Iiris

[Iiris]

• Yoga ✅ 20min
• Meditation ✅ 5min
• Sleep ❌ 4.5h

Yeah, went to sleep at 4. Meditation was a joke.

Teeth removal wound has healed surprisingly well.

I handled the childcare course thing yesterday. Today I will handle the earpuds and the other thing.

[Iiris]

• Yoga ✅ 25min
• Meditation ✅ 5min
• Sleep ❌ 5h and took a nap

On 4.8.2020 at 0:56 PM, Iiris said:

I have my stuff together

Lies

Things took longer than I planned and I kind of gave up once again.

I'm feeling apathetic. It's definitely not pleasant. I feel like my mind is filled with crap and I can't think proprely. I feel disconnected. I'd like to just retreat from everything and get some clarity. But I have lots of excuses not to do so

I think I've overestimated my ability to handle sleep paralysis. And I think I'm dreaming them. Because yesterday when I was taking a nap I was having the paralysis in the room next to the room I was sleeping in. And I was rapidly moving during it. I was afraid of evil, and suddenly evil all around me. Then I moved having the dream sleep paralysis in the room I was sleeping in.

Otherwise I had some very abstract dreams again. I don't know what the heck was happening. But it felt important

 

Edited August 7, 2020 by Iiris

[Iiris]

• Yoga ✅ 5min
• Meditation ✅ 10min
• Sleep ❌ 7h

I'm afraid of not progressing and just staying the same. Let go of that fear and I will progress

[Iiris]

• Yoga ✅ 35min
• Meditation ✅ 15min guided
• Sleep ❌ 7h went to bed at midnight, took a nap

Edited August 9, 2020 by Iiris

[Iiris]

• Yoga ✅ 25min
• Meditation ✅ 10min
• Sleep ❌ 2.5h, went to bed at 00:30

Fell asleep at about 1:30. Woke up at 4 because ALLERGIES I forgot to take the antihistamine. Couldn't sleep after that. Watched Youtube videos until noon.

[Iiris]

• Yoga ✅ 25min
• Meditation ✅ 15min
• Sleep ❌ 7h, went to bed at 00:30, took a nap

Ended up watching quality content

 

[Iiris]

• Yoga ✅ 25min
• Meditation ✅ 15min
• Sleep ❌ 7h, went to bed at midnight

I keep going to bed a bit late. But well it's not a horrible sin. I'll try to get there early today. Still tired as heck.

[Iiris]

• Yoga ✅ 20min
• Meditation ✅ 15min guided
• Sleep ❌ 6.5h, went to bed at 00:30, took a nap

Still not early. But I would read anyway after going to bed so it's not so important because the reading takes whatever time it takes

Been noticing again how insensitive I can be

The boundary between something and nothing is nothing. That was a bit of a mindfuck

Edited August 13, 2020 by Iiris

[Iiris]

• Yoga ✅ 20min
• Meditation ✅ 10min
• Sleep ❌ 4.5h, went to sleep at 4, took a nap

yeah

Tomorrow is my last day at work. Then starts the studying

[Iiris]

• Yoga ✅ 5min a bit of a joke
• Meditation ✅ 5min half-assed
• Sleep ❌ 6h, went to sleep at 2:30, maybe took a nap

I don't wanna lie I probably didn't go to sleep at 4 the last time, probably more close to 5. I've also been half-assing many of my meditation lately so yeah I'm definitely proud of myself. And I'm too tired to feel like i can do anything about this right now, I could probably sleep but it's like 8pm so it's not a really good time to go to sleep and I kinda don't want to either. Sentence completions nope, UUUHH, yeah goal setting alone definitely doesn't work. Still too much crap to do, that's another problem. I wanna cry

I could change this now if I wanted to. I probably just need to breathe

Don't even know what to think about this stuff but I've been binge-watching astrology videos anyway

[Iiris]

• Yoga ✅ 10min
• Meditation ✅ 10min
• Sleep ❌ 9.5h, went to bed at 1:30, took a nap

Finally rested

[Iiris]

• Yoga ✅ 10min
• Meditation  ✅ 15min
• Sleep ❌ 7.5h, went to bed at 1:30

Everything was pretty half-assed again

This morning I actually did yoga properly and not just stretching around by myself

Sometimes it's nice to just write whatever I feel like in a journal before going to sleep. Often ends up in tears which is good

Guitar lessons start today and I kind of wouldn't want to. Haven't learned anything all summer except strumming folk song chords. And even that I do sloppily. Teacher gave me like 5 music books to read, I've read about 5% of one of them, learned intervals which I knew already. I probably should've changed to acoustic guitar lessons but I forgot. Electric guitars not really my thing anymore. It was a passing teen angst thing. I used to be such a weirdo. Even more so than now.

I'll just keep this journal with healthy habits with which I'm failing miserably with by the way. Change the name this journal to Failing Miserably. But it's so easy to be negative. I've just been having some resistance. I feel better now. I just need to breathe once again

But anyway if I keep this journal with this I'll probably make a psychology study journal soon. Psychology final exam is 29.9. I still don't know if it's called final exam but I'm going to call it that. I think it's actually called marticulation examination. I need to squeeze out some motivation somewhere.