How Do I Cut Someone Out Of My Life In A Concious Way?

[MNR Mackey]

My  Dad is a deadbeat.

My parents divorced when I was 3 and my Mom had custody of me. My Dad moved to another Province for years with another woman and started another family, then they eventually moved back to my home town, but he still travels for many months for work. He has very weakly tried to maintain some sort of relationship with me, but I know he doesn't treat me the way he treats his other 2 offspring with his new family. My Mother didnt work due to disability and I grew up very poor. We had very little in the way of good nutrition and winter time, I rarely had a heavy coat or boots to wear. While I grew up literally cold and hungry, his other children wore very expensive Canada Goose jackets and Blundstones. Now that Im an adult, I can see how toxic this relationship is and I dont really see the value in maintaining it. Every interaction with him brings me into my lower self and he always deliberately gives me awful advice that Im thankfully concious enough to recognize as terrible. 

I know I should cut him out of my life but I dont know how to do it conciously. Ive thought of moving to another Province or Country and just ghosting him. How do I break things off the right way?

[Gili Trawangan]

Perhaps by being honest with him? It sounds quite reasonable to me that you would want to cut him out of your life.

Just tell him, why not? He'll probably understand too.

Just my two cents. 

[MNR Mackey]

I KNOW I should just tell him, but he's also not a very rational, calm, person who really understands anything. He's a racist bigot who believes foreigners are coming to take our jobs (eye roll) and he can't stand to be wrong or have faults point out. Any kind of conversation requiring reasoning results in him yelling. He honestly wouldn't see any perspective but his own. I do appreciate your two cents.

You're right. Im just going to have to suck it up and tell him how it is.

Edited December 14, 2019 by MNR Mackey
Addition

[ajasatya]

@MNR Mackey Just tell him how you feel. Abide on the truth.

"I don't want our friendship to continue. Being with you hurts me."

You don't need to convince him of anything. You don't have to prove him wrong. You just need to have some self-respect and value your own Life over unnecessary friction.

[Preety_India]

@MNR Mackey

 

If he is texting you or calling you, don't respond anymore. Remove him from your contact lists. Disable notifications for his contact on your phone and social media. He should have nothing to do with you anymore. 

If I were in your place, I'd have been very angry and reasonably so. He has no right to talk to you anymore. Do not give him this privilege. Totally ghost him. 

Him being in your life will only make things worse. It will impact your self esteem and cause you despair and distress. There are people in our lives that always cause us sorrow. Best is to cut them out. 

They dont deserve our attention or affection. They deserve nothingness. 

Put him out of your life immediately. 

 

[Gili Trawangan]

9 minutes ago, Preety_India said:

@MNR Mackey

 

If he is texting you or calling you, don't respond anymore. Remove him from your contact lists. Disable notifications for his contact on your phone and social media. He should have nothing to do with you anymore. 

If I were in your place, I'd have been very angry and reasonably so. He has no right to talk to you anymore. Do not give him this privilege. Totally ghost him. 

Him being in your life will only make things worse. It will impact your self esteem and cause you despair and distress. There are people in our lives that always cause us sorrow. Best is to cut them out. 

They dont deserve our attention or affection. They deserve nothingness. 

Put him out of your life immediately. 

 

And here's a woman's way of doing it, avoiding confrontation at all costs and not giving a guy who after all is your father the satisfaction of hearing another word from you. No explanation, nothing. I think that's pretty cruel, pun not intended.

25 minutes ago, ajasatya said:

@MNR Mackey Just tell him how you feel. Abide on the truth.

"I don't want our friendship to continue. Being with you hurts me."

You don't need to convince him of anything. You don't have to prove him wrong. You just need to have some self-respect and value your own Life over unnecessary friction.

This is much better advice, he at least deserves to know why you're cutting him out of your life. If he doesn't get it, then that's really ok. You will have done it right. Good luck.

[Preety_India]

6 minutes ago, Gili Trawangan said:

And here's a woman's way of doing it, avoiding confrontation at all costs and not giving a guy who after all is your father the satisfaction of hearing another word from you. No explanation, nothing. I think that's pretty cruel, pun not intended.

 

You really had to do the sexist thing of making it women VS men. Not a great idea. He is not his father by the way the one who caused him so much hurt and pain. You don't need to comment on other's suggestions and judge whether it's good or bad. Give your own suggestions rather. 

This is not a competition for good advice or bad advice. The OP reads everything and decides what he needs to do. 

 

[mandyjw]

If there's no conscious way to cut someone off, don't. Cutting off a parent without a sense of peace and knowing it's the right thing every step of the way will feel like cutting off a part of yourself. You can certainly give yourself a break from him to breathe, but making the decision to cut him off will be unlikely to give you the peace you seek. You can however become that peace no matter who is in or not in your life. Good luck. 

[MNR Mackey]

Hey, guys, come on. This is a silly thing to be fighting over.

[Ananta]

@MNR Mackey There is no easy way, not if you feel a connection to him. There is a time and place to go no-contact with someone, but I usually don't recommend it unless there has been discussion trying to better the relationship first or the abuse is so bad that getting away from the person is the only way.

My mother is passed on now, but I had gone no-contact with her 3 times. All for several years each, the longest was 5 years straight. She was a verbally abusive alcoholic and we had discussed when she was sober my boundaries and what was and wasn't acceptable. She was also told what the consequences would we if she crossed my boundries. 

So, you may want to try talking to him one last time to clear the air and let him know how you've been feeling, it might make a difference. If not, then I can tell you from experience that going no-contact means just that. Blocking on all social media, all phones, etc. is necessary, even throwing away mail you may get.

Good luck

[MNR Mackey]

Thanks for all your help, folks. I know what I need to do.

[Matt8800]

11 hours ago, MNR Mackey said:

My  Dad is a deadbeat.

My parents divorced when I was 3 and my Mom had custody of me. My Dad moved to another Province for years with another woman and started another family, then they eventually moved back to my home town, but he still travels for many months for work. He has very weakly tried to maintain some sort of relationship with me, but I know he doesn't treat me the way he treats his other 2 offspring with his new family. My Mother didnt work due to disability and I grew up very poor. We had very little in the way of good nutrition and winter time, I rarely had a heavy coat or boots to wear. While I grew up literally cold and hungry, his other children wore very expensive Canada Goose jackets and Blundstones. Now that Im an adult, I can see how toxic this relationship is and I dont really see the value in maintaining it. Every interaction with him brings me into my lower self and he always deliberately gives me awful advice that Im thankfully concious enough to recognize as terrible. 

I know I should cut him out of my life but I dont know how to do it conciously. Ive thought of moving to another Province or Country and just ghosting him. How do I break things off the right way?

@MNR Mackey Honesty in your communication to him and be true to yourself. You dont owe him anything so whatever you do, do it because that is what you want to do and apologize to nobody.