Emotional unsafety in bed

[Parththakkar12]

I just found out that I've never really had the desire to have sex with any specific person. I've been attracted to a lot of women, but didn't want to actually sleep with them! The reason is lack of emotional connection. I've had the avoidant attachment style from the very beginning, which makes me feel unsafe in relationships, which is not a good thing in bed. That's why, I wasn't able to find compatibility with anyone.

Do guys struggle with this or is this a woman thing? Feeling emotionally unsafe in bed is only something I've heard women describe, not men!! It's a huge surprise for me, given the number of PUAs who just say, 'Man up, man harder, man so hard that your biceps shouldn't fit in any shirt!!'. Do PUAs consider this or not, given that they're coming from an emotionally wounded space? Is banging a lot of girls supposed to be emotionally safe for a guy?

[DrewNows]

I think self abandonment impacts people differently, this seems to make you feel quite unsafe "in bed". Maybe there's some trauma that needs to be released. I might look into somatic sensual healing for men 

[Bazooka Jesus]

3 hours ago, Parththakkar12 said:

Do guys struggle with this or is this a woman thing?

Of course (some) guys struggle with this; they're just expected to magically 'get over themselves' and create emotional trust out of thin air. As a man, you are supposed to be a super cool, super confident & self-sufficient sex machine; no one really gives a damn about your insecurities. Sad but true.

Edited December 12, 2019 by Bazooka Jesus

[Parththakkar12]

1 hour ago, Bazooka Jesus said:

As a man, you are supposed to be a super cool, super confident & self-sufficient sex machine; no one really gives a damn about your insecurities.

Even if you manage to do that, sleeping with emotionally incompatible women (which is most women. Very few of them will be compatible, it's just what the numbers say.) is just unsafe! I haven't seen anyone factor this in. Can someone tell me what's going on with this, i.e. why is everyone missing this?

[Shin]

Maybe you're asexual.

Maybe you're just attracted physically (it's nice to look at), but not sexually.

[Danioover9000]

   Sounds like you're ready to focus more on spirituality than women. I'd recommend Nofap easy mode to you and see how you feel after 3 or so months. If you're feeling brave, go Nofap hard mode and focus more on meditating/contemplating/self-inquiry. Good luck.

[Preety_India]

It's just failure to develop intimacy. This happens a lot. Not everyone is meant to have that special place in our lives. Even if you tried it, it leads to feelings of emptiness and it gets mechanical.. 

You have to be lucky to be able to get intimate with a person you are really attracted to. Not many people get that.. Once you have that intimacy it obviously blossoms into relationship. 

Causes of such lack 

• Social anxiety 
• Shyness 
• Lack of confidence 
• Lack of communication 
• Insecurity 
• Approach anxiety 
• Previous bad experiences 
• Prejudice against the opposite gender 
• Inability to show affection 
• Cognitive dissonance 
• Depression 
• Body image issues 
• Sexual hangups and insecurities 
• Lack of trust 

 

 

[Martin123]

6 hours ago, Parththakkar12 said:

I just found out that I've never really had the desire to have sex with any specific person. I've been attracted to a lot of women, but didn't want to actually sleep with them! The reason is lack of emotional connection. I've had the avoidant attachment style from the very beginning, which makes me feel unsafe in relationships, which is not a good thing in bed. That's why, I wasn't able to find compatibility with anyone.

Do guys struggle with this or is this a woman thing? Feeling emotionally unsafe in bed is only something I've heard women describe, not men!! It's a huge surprise for me, given the number of PUAs who just say, 'Man up, man harder, man so hard that your biceps shouldn't fit in any shirt!!'. Do PUAs consider this or not, given that they're coming from an emotionally wounded space? Is banging a lot of girls supposed to be emotionally safe for a guy?

I think this is quite normal and natural for someone with an avoidant attachment style. The pick-up culture is based round a population group that hasn't developed enough of an emotional sensitivity and awareness to acknowledge these issues, in other words they actively avoid intimacy and discard feelings of emotional disconnection and unsafety. 

Couple of points to know, which might help you.

Avoidant attachment style is a result of deep emotional neglect, especially around other people. It is rooted in beliefs that say: It is unsafe to rely on others, I don't have enough to give and therefor should look out for myself, Other people are a threat to my safety.

These patterns can create a very painful and mind-oriented lifestyle that is based around avoiding feelings altogether. 
Therefor the way out of this is to turn around and go the other way.

- Start getting in touch with your own emotions, what do you feel during the day? What do things make you feel like?
- Get in touch with your body as much as possible - do some yoga, mindfulness, breathing, self-love meditation
- Try to challenge the beliefs that you don't have enough - start naming and listing things that you do have.
In other words - Start a gratitude journal, this will be so helpful. And realize how it makes you feel.

And finally, try to be deliberately giving to other people. It doesn't have to be anything big, but can you just go out of your way and give someone a compliment, help someone out, give someone a piece of advice that will really help them. Donate to charity, volunteer at a pet shelter.

If you combine this with some socialization, you will challenge the beliefs rooted in neglect and then transform them altogether. 
You have to start giving first until you arrive at a realization that it is safe to give. That's probably the most  certain way to actually feel safe. How could anyone really threaten your emotional safety if you are there to give them support and compliments, they won't be able to.

PS: Don't push yourself into physical intimacy if it feels uncomfortable, give it time and address the neglect indirectly.

[Martin123]

@Parththakkar12 PS: Maybe not a pet shelter but a human shelter Not that there is anything wrong with that but pet shelter might be too much inside your comfort zone. After all it is people that are most likely triggering the threat of unsafety. You might actually be quite great and content with animals... which is wonderful on one level, and it is something to definitely embrace, but it might be a comfort zone. 

[Spiral]

Get to know them first, be friends for 6 months. Hang out and learn to trust them.