Clearing Out

[mandyjw]

Wasting time on youtube and found that "Lightning in a Bottle" is an expression. http://www.worldwidewords.org/qa/qa-lig1.htm

I had no idea. 

Still remember the morning in May that I listened to this song, was thinking about the line "lightning in a bottle" and the excavator I had fixing a plumbing issue dug up this antique lightning jar. 

"The saying "nice guys finish last" is a condensation by journalists of a quotation by Durocher[11]—he did not originally say this, himself, though it has often been attributed to him, and he did appropriate it as his own. The original quotation was "The nice guys are all over there, in seventh place" (July 6, 1946)[12][13] about the 1946 New York Giants—seventh place was next to last place in the National League. This was shortly afterwards rendered as "'Nice Guys' Wind Up in Last Place, Scoffs Lippy",[14] thence its present form.[13] Durocher is also credited with popularizing the metaphorical use of the phrase "capture lightning in a bottle" in a baseball context—it had previously been used to literally refer to Benjamin Franklin's kite experiment." https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Leo_Durocher

 

Edited February 18, 2020 by mandyjw

[DrewNows]

4 hours ago, mandyjw said:

 

your transformations/insights are beautiful, melting profundity, thank you for being you  

My dad shared both calvin and hobbes and the harry potter series with me growing up , i feel inspired to do more reading and to do less flip-flopping in my behavior/attitude toward life, cheers! 

Edited February 19, 2020 by DrewNows

[allislove]

7 hours ago, DrewNows said:

your transformations/insights are beautiful, melting profundity, thank you for being you

Agree ☺️

I remember watching your videos year or so ago. There was a thought: she is overthinking too much, too much of mental constructs, she must try psychedelics... But now is completely different story.

Feels like you're really clearing out. Thanks for videos, it puts me in a positive vibe hehe

[mandyjw]

@DrewNows @dimitri So much love and appreciation for you both. 

 

https://frithluton.com/articles/anima/

HAha! Dr. Appleking's plan came to fruition. Oh God, you're so punny! 

"To sit or to walk, without absolutely any movement of identification. No movement of imagination, no movement of time as the i who is separate from THE HAPPENING. One holistic movement/non-movement of beauty and joy which is timelessness. One dynamic-stillness which is empty, yet immense.  

 

But how does this come about?

 

A partial explanation of how this mysterious happening comes about...

As the mind tries to capture the immensity of this phenomenon, it soon finds that any movement of mind to recall the event reduces the actual essence the occurrence itself. The minds capacity being finite can never express the actuality of the actuality. Nor can it really remember as there was not an entity recording in the first place. What I know after some some time investigating this movement of (dynamic stillness), which seems to be both movement and non-movement simultaneously, as strange as that may seem. "

 

OH SHIT.

That's why you create goldfinches. And lions. Symbols as pointers. 

I er... was not aware of this dynamic. And the timing it occurred over. What the fuck is happening?

God works in mysterious ways. 

What's WRONG with you, do you want to keep him like a pet? 

Lightning in a bottle = fireflies in a jar. 

Fireflies by Owl City

To ten million fireflies
I'm weird cause I hate goodbyes
I got misty eyes as they said farewell (said farewell)

But I'll know where several are
If my dreams get real bizarre
'Cause I saved a few and I keep them in a jar (jar, jar)

I'd like to make myself believe that planet earth turns slowly
It's hard to say that I'd rather stay awake when I'm asleep
'Cause everything is never as it seems (when I fall asleep)

I'd like to make myself believe that planet earth turns slowly
It's hard to say that I'd rather stay awake when I'm asleep
'Cause everything is never as it seems (when I fall asleep)

. 

 

Edited February 19, 2020 by mandyjw

[mandyjw]

dogma/amgod

NO!!!!! 

metaphor meta for

Edited February 19, 2020 by mandyjw

[mandyjw]

This summer I found a little girl's apron lying on the side of the road. It was in perfect condition, handmade red with white circus elephants, standing on a ball. It was near the abandoned house with the porch I sat on and the bright yellow creeping forsythia bush that covered it. In that driveway I found the lost rental VHS tape "Legacy of Love". 

A couple days ago one of my kid's "lite brite" patterns was on the floor and I shoved in the trash. Intuition told me to look at it. I couldn't figure out what it was and gave up. When I transferred the trash into the bigger trash can I saw the pattern and the intuition came up again. This time I made it out. It was an elephant standing on a ball.

I just looked over to my right shortly after finishing Leo's latest video and sitting on the dog crate is the bright pink elephant I bought my dog and his ball toys. 

 

[mandyjw]

Took me a while to dig this up so I'm putting it here. 

 

[allislove]

3 hours ago, mandyjw said:

Took me a while to dig this up so I'm putting it here. 

 

That was a nice thread! Thanks for pinning it. Hehe I was asking too much questions. But thanks to that guy I tried guided meditation with Rupert and I was listening to Roger a lot. Exactly what I needed in that time, grateful. ?

[mandyjw]

@dimitri You're welcome! 

39 minutes ago, dimitri said:

Hehe I was asking too much questions. 

Your inner being only looks forward and it is very good to be curious.  

[mandyjw]

There's a subtle or not so belief that if "I" do things right I'll attract more direction and Easter eggs. I was taught this belief with great results, now I need to forget it.

BUT DIAMONDS ARE A GIRL'S BEST FRIEND!

I saw you admiring the way the snow sparkled infinitely in the sun, now is that mundane or an "Easter egg"?

The speed of light is commonly denoted c. See? 

Of course!

course 1.the route or direction followed by a ship, aircraft, road, or river.

I have never thought about a "course" being the same thing as "of course".

Edited February 20, 2020 by mandyjw

[mandyjw]

hallucinating 

A day or two ago I had an intuition to check a flower box on my shelf with trinkets in it that I was keeping for the kids to play with. There were four things and all interconnected with things that had come into my awareness. A melting snowman bead (the Rumi verse about melting snow, melting snowmen from Calvin and Hobbes). A mountain lion charm. A half dollar that said Liberty on it. And a gold bear charm I've had since I was 5.

I didn't think much about the charm, but now I remember the story. In kindergarten me and Alex got along quite well. His mother was "worldly" and educated him about relationships between boys and girls. I remember him mentioning the word sex. I assured him that he was very confused, that the word was actually "slacks" and he was using the strange word my Grandmother used to refer to pants. At some point I told him that if I was going to be his girlfriend he had better give me something gold. So his mother dug up this gold plated teddy bear charm for him to give to me and told my mother the hilarious story about how he came home telling her that he needed something gold to give to me. 

Mom thought this was hilarious and repeated this story to me, which I immediately charged with lots of feelings of self judgement and I always felt kinda stupid and guilty whenever I looked at the charm in my jewelry box. It's very strange that through all the minimalism purges I still have it. 

I talked about his mother before in this journal, about how she commented on what a dramatic personality change I went through in school, from confident and fun to scared and timid. I had always blamed my teachers, but that was an excuse. 

This connects in strange ways that I'll skip over to when my husband proposed to me. It was in a restaurant. With people around. Horrors. I never felt comfortable with the engagement ring. It was a simple gold ring with a small diamond. Later seeing the movie Blood Diamond made it worse. It stayed in the jewelry box, never worn, like the bear charm. I wore my wedding bands. Lost one down a register and never found it. I bought myself the antique garnet ring and an antique ring band. The garnet ring was my prized possession. I loved dreaming about who owned it before, how i felt about it wasn't logical at all. I gave it to the crows after the awakening, leaving it on the poison nightshade branch on Dr.P's grave. 

 

 

[mandyjw]

I was dreaming of spring (this time of year I always dream of tropical beaches and spring and this year I just allow it and it's pure enjoyment without the weight of time) and thought about lilacs. I was so enchanted with the memory of last year's lilacs that I thought to write it on my dream board.

There is one gift a boy gave me that I remember more fondly than ever. It was the same one who annoyed me sometimes, who I already journaled about who drew me as his wife on the calendar page, but one spring day he brought me and the other girls in our class lilacs that he had picked waiting before the bus came. I'd never really seen or smelled lilacs before that. Not only did he bring me flowers, but the first knowledge/experience of something I would love my entire life.

I can feel my face start to get red, at the embarrassment of letting myself be drawn into pure fantasy and romance, and then tears flow down with the realization that that's exactly what I came to do. 

I see that love, romance, fantasy and gifts can be freely accepted without remorse, shame, guilt or fear. Too good to be true? It is. 

Why would I create Dr.P to come through as a persona and a literal real life awakened past "being", with a book he had written about a story that broke the duality between fantasy and reality. As much as I had loved Jesus, and as much as I had loved Harry Potter, Dr.P was where the duality between  "actual past" and "fictional fantasy" came to die. And I had come to love him before I even knew about him. I had come to be obsessed with that spot on the river, where I went just to appreciate the beauty of nature and my beautiful kids playing in it. It consumed me and I couldn't understand it. 

Then the stroller rolling away in the cemetery, the joke of the poison nightshade growing on a herbal healers grave, the lost and found again mittens, the impulse to read the book, and then finding the remains of his house, and that they had overlooked the spot on the river the entire time. He came through my love of the "past" and nature to give me gifts, insights and such a strong force of love to overcome my assumptions about reality. 

It's complete, beautifully written fantasy. So is my path, my existence, my entire life. It's consuming itself in an act of Love. 

I have played a damsel in distress, but in doing so I am the dragon who threatens her. I have created a fantasy of a knight in shining armor who rescues me from my self imposed bleak prison of existence. Why do I create so many spiritual warrior heros? I am a psychological whore of the heart mind. Oh the spiritual "teachers" I have I loved and let in. Jesus, John, Harry Potter, C.S.Lewis, Leo, Ekhart Tolle, D.P and so many others. Because I am them too. And no one is responsible for any of it.

"Responsibility and desire just butt heads, they don't really do well together." -Esther Perell

Ohhhh.. shit. She says at the end "Merry Valentine's" It was posted on Valentine's Day. I shared this in the dating section without realizing this synchronicity. 

What did you tell him about responsibility on Valentine's Day? What day did you join the forum on 4 years ago?

What have you dug up Mandy, what are you doing? 

Are you holding a shovel right now? No? Then no one is digging anything up. 

This is so embarrassing! Why am I on a forum full of intelligent practical men talking about love, romance and little girl's fantasies? 

You mean to ask, "who is responsible for that? " 

 

 

 

Edited February 20, 2020 by mandyjw

[mandyjw]

Totally conscious, and apropos of nothing, you come to see me. Is someone here? I ask. The moon. The full moon is inside your house.

My friends and I go running out into the street. I'm in here, comes a voice from the house, but we aren't listening.

We're looking up at the sky. My pet nightingale sobs like a drunk in the garden.

Ringdoves scatter with small cries, Where, Where. It's midnight.

The whole neighborhood is up and out in the street thinking, The cat burglar has come back.

The actual thief is there too, saying out loud, Yes, the cat burglar is somewhere in this crowd. No one pays attention.

Lo, I am with you always means when you look for God, God is in the look of your eyes, in the thought of looking, nearer to you than your self, or things that have happened to you There's no need to go outside.

Be melting snow. Wash yourself of yourself.

A white flower grows in quietness. Let your tongue become that flower. - Rumi

 

[mandyjw]

She thinks she's helpless, he thinks he's responsible. Of course! 

https://www.thevintagenews.com/2017/03/10/the-origin-of-the-heart-shape-ideograph-as-a-symbol-of-love/

DEAR JESUS. The half dollar. Liberty, In God We Trust. (You're not doing any of it, so relax.)

E pluribus unum – Latin for "Out of many, one" – is a traditional motto of the United States, appearing on the Great Seal, and the eagle. Imagining reality on the fly. George Washington born on 2/22. Saturday is 2/22/2020

Edited February 20, 2020 by mandyjw

[mandyjw]

Trying to figure out "why" and "how" "this happens." My mind can't make sense of it. Was I lucky, blessed, predisposed, so horribly cursed to be lost in thinking and need to control that I had no choice to push through it? To break through the wall? All/neither of the above?

I came in like a wrecking ball...

I was thinking about this and my son asked a moment after what happens if you break a chick out of its shell early. I explained that you couldn't do that, you have to wait until the chick is ready to hatch and it breaks through the inside itself. 
    "Do not arouse or awaken love
    until it so desires."

There's nobody doing anything. 

I put on a necklace this afternoon. Speaking of gifts, my friend randomly gave it to me right before we stopped talking to each other. We were so close and the falling out so bitter that I considered getting rid of it. It's from an artist who makes pendants out of antique wax seals. 

It's two lion's paws holding a heart between them. The similarity to my current avatar struck me for the first time. I looked it up online to see if I could dig up a deeper meaning or representation. It's from an antique livery button not a seal.

 The word livery comes from the French livree meaning to liberate or bestow. 

During or shortly after the "awakening" (I don't even know anymore) I did something that threw me out of the vortex good and hard. 

Care killed the cat. I had so many self judgmental thoughts because the circumstances were so under fire and my mind was untrained. I bit off more than I could chew. I do not want to be the enlightened master who lives in a cave. I want to push the limits. 

Is there a vortex really? It's an incredibly valuable concept. Is there an in and out or is that an excuse to judge yourself? The vortex cannot be known, only felt as being, now. Judgement isn't a thought, it's a feeling. Feeling is only now. Feeling is our guidance within the story of creation. I just had an experience that flashed me back to that time, because all judgmental bad feeling thoughts about it since have paved the way there. In some sort of shame patterning that was both a rejection of my awakening and a deep desire to understand and go back there, I was separating myself from it. I have felt recently like this desire is fulfilled/fulfilling, therefore the "I don't know anymore". 

 Is this why we have to clear karma? If you know that you are the vortex and there is nothing but the present moment, how you're doing is completely inconsequential. Yet somehow paradoxically magically, telling the story with new eyes, rewriting the story from the vortex, from the perspective of you're inner being... 

Ok, ok. I'm not in the vortex for that right now though, so love is finding where that is now. 

 

 

 

Edited February 21, 2020 by mandyjw

[mandyjw]

My first "glimpse" or "break" was staring at the snow on some tall pine trees. The name of the town it happened in is hilarious. 

I had the insight that a diagnosis can't be denied or accepted. When my son was first diagnosed with Autism, I didn't accept it and didn't know if I should believe it. To make it even more confusing, they told us that he was very difficult to diagnose. I had to accept it in order to see that I needed to take action to get him extra services. But if I use the label as an excuse that I think I know him or that I know what to expect I miss the incredibly unique love that he is. 

This thread... SO many things. This response by @Nahm struck me.

What's the difference between honesty and responsibility? Which should one choose over the other? Who is "one" responsible to? OneSelf. There's your integrity, there's your loss of the chooser. There was only a conflict when you thought there was a separate self and others. 

For the past few days the back of my neck hurts at the base of my skull. It feels like a type of headache, sometimes like neck pain but I've never had it before. Can't seem to figure it out. 

 

[mandyjw]

I noticed how much there's a tendency to want to control how meditation is going. There's a controller who wants to check in and know how it's doing, even though every time it does it disrupts the process. Its need to measure, know and control is the only thing that "threatens" what's going on. There's also a more physical feeling of trying to make myself center, like a need to feel that I have a center.

I thought of an analogy for this and thought of a master piano player who is performing and there's a young child who tries to coach him through everything he's doing with the belief that the piano player needs to improve. The child doesn't understand that the music is for him to enjoy. 

Then I thought of Schroeder and Lucy. 

https://kotaku.com/how-peanuts-used-lucy-and-schroeder-to-explore-dysfunct-1825694862

It is only the "controller" itself who wants to get rid of the child, who it calls "controller". Does the musician know that the child is there for him to enjoy as the music is for the child to enjoy or does he wish it would go away? 

Edited February 22, 2020 by mandyjw

[mandyjw]

Last night I had a bizarre dream that my mother (who in real life lives in a trailer and has a heart of gold), lived in a ridiculously large mansion with tons of space and kicked me out even though she knew I would have a lot of trouble paying my own rent. I was furious. 

 

[mandyjw]

"Lucy’s relationship to Schroeder was unfulfilling. She craved emotional validation from the one character who was least equipped to provide it. It was both humorous and sad—a contradictory message that Charles Schulz’s Peanuts conveyed so well."

WHY? 

The reason why we do not allow ourself to feel, follow our dreams or be passionate is because we cannot control that. So you think of all kinds of devilish whorish ways that it could manifest. Yet by doing this and trying to control this, you actually kill the connection of your marriage that you committed to. Because it was only ever connection with yourself the whole time, one that needs passion, fantasy and feeling to thrive. So the self shame/fear creates the temptation, so that it can resolve itself. 

Why does 15 year old girl fall in love with the nephew of the man her mother turned in for murder? Why does anything like that happen? It's all a fucked up fairytale of Love, trying to resolve and heal itself. 

Romantic love is so tempting to reject and make fun of, to control and suffer for. No one wants to be that vulnerable. But it's programmed to be intoxicating. Nothing is as it seems. Love between a "man" and a "woman." Ha. What a joke. If you laugh at romantic love you don't get the joke.

All the gurus getting into trouble fucking students, time after time, the "shame" of psychedelics and "drug" use pales in comparison to the shame of this. "Take responsibility goddamn it."

No, your taking responsibility, you need to control, creates and attracts the situation itself. See, THIS IS WHY WE CAN'T HAVE NICE THINGS. 

This is a path, a path through avoiding feeling and it's not understood because no one wants to let it out in the light. 

It's a little girl's fantasy. It's pathetic. So you think. Let that lion out of it's cage and it'll bite your fucking head clean off. 

Edited February 22, 2020 by mandyjw

[mandyjw]

With a smile and a song
Life is just a bright sunny day
Your cares fade away
And your heart is young

With a smile and a song
All the world seems to waken anew
Rejoicing with you
As the song is sung

There's no use in grumbling
When the raindrops come tumbling
Remember, you're the one
Who can fill the world with sunshine

When you smile and you sing
Everything is in tune and it's spring
And life flows along
With a smile and a song

 

Roar.