Clearing Out

[mandyjw]

Putting this here, because it's like a purge. 

My parents almost never said I was pretty except when they occasionally told me to emphasize why I should be careful whenever in the presence of men. The thought of my appearance and being seen by men was always married to a feeling of fear. 

[mandyjw]

Oh virtual trash can... dispose of my thoughts as I express them.  I stopped writing in this journal so it would float on.

I feel cornered, absolutely cornered, and I know that the funny thing is that this is because I have wanted and committed to absolute freedom. 

I judge people and situations and it boomerangs back at me, and this is exactly how I wanted it. I love them and unknowingly grasp at them, wanting something from them, wanting some special situation, connection, meaning, state, status, and I fall on my ass.

I build this amazing house of cards and ask for help with where to put the finishing touch, the last architectural details, and the help I get, the help I wanted was in knocking the whole thing down and throwing the cards across the room. I give up the dream of the house of cards, and feel good about it, smiling in sweet victory and release that that obsession has been transcended, and then the master plans for the next come to me in a dream.