Clearing Out

[mandyjw]

Wise men say only fools rush in
But I can't help falling in love with you
Oh, shall I stay, would it be a sin
Oh, if I can't help falling in love with you?

Like a river flows, surely to the sea
Darling, so it goes, some things are meant to be

Take my hand, take my whole life too
Oh, for I can't help falling in love with you

Oh, like a river flows, surely to the sea
Darling, so it goes, some things are meant to be

Oh, take my hand, take my whole life too
For I can't help falling in love with you
Oh, for I can't help falling in love with you

The line I mentioned this morning that I loved from Dr.P's book. All the girls who dreamed about Elvis, and really, he loved every one of them back just as much, unknowingly. 

Maybe it's a river and not a donut. 

Did you want to laugh or cry?

Both?

Done.

Edited February 4, 2020 by mandyjw

[mandyjw]

You better "make up" your mind. 

 

[mandyjw]

I checked my son's school folder this morning and there was a project paper he had done for Valentine's Day with hearts and keys. 

This morning I was thinking about an early memory I had. We went to the city shopping as a family. I was really young, 4 or 5 I think. We were in line checking out and again like when all my other embarrassing moments happened I wasn't paying any attention, lost in my own world. I ended up next to a man in front of us and then thinking I was beside my dad I started hugging and bumping against his leg like kids do. My parents called me back and I was horrified. I don't remember them shaming me at all, but I do remember just being inherently horrified about it. Later they tried to make me feel better about it, saying that he probably didn't think anything about it. I really don't know why it upset me so much.

Started to get to work this morning, I've been journaling quite a bit and want to get caught up. The first thing I did was print a shipping label to Lolita Lockhart and the word swords associated with it. 

Genesis 3:24 After he drove the man out, he placed on the east side of the Garden of Eden cherubim and a flaming sword flashing back and forth to guard the way to the tree of life.

[mandyjw]

JESUS. The next label had the word azure in it and immediately my eyes go to the blue marker on my desk with blue in different languages (blue, azul, bleu) written on it. 

I always had an energetically messed up relationship with my best friend's dad. I spent a lot of time at their house when I was in my early 20's. Her parents were Christian only they kind of stayed in their beliefs rather than evolving over time like mine. Her Dad was the one who was passionate about it. He also had quite a devilish side. He was hilarious and really just a blast to be around. His wife stopped sleeping with him after their son was born and they slept in different buildings. They had a miserable marriage. He supported her completely financially and wouldn't divorce her because it was "wrong" but good lord, the poor man had a battle going on in his head and it showed in his interactions with women.

Nothing wrong was ever said or done. We had some intense and hilarious debates about religion. Sometimes he went hiking with us. He made fun of my husband a lot. I bought a BRIGHT turquoise blue car and we talked about my car a lot. I decided I really wanted the color as it's my favorite and held out for it, usually I would have just gotten whatever was less expensive. Shortly after he bought a Corvette in the same exact color. I think he was planning to anyway, I don't know. His wife HATED the car and I'm ashamed to recall the thoughts that went through my head when I saw it. There were other thoughts proceeding it, and I really enjoyed the ego boost and the fun of the reading between the lines energetic nature or interacting with him. I don't know if he ever enjoyed the car except for obsessively polishing it all the time. He sold it again just a few years later. 

He drove by when I was walking and waved to me a week or so ago. 

27 You have heard that it was said, ‘Do not commit adultery.’ 28 But I tell you that anyone who looks at a woman to lust after her has already committed adultery with her in his heart. Matthew 5:28

Inconveniently, we are vibrational beings and there are vibrational effects to our thoughts and feelings. 

I had buck teeth in high school, like pretty bad buck teeth. I was supposed to get them fixed but I could tell that the orthodontist was bullshitting my parents, I was always worried about their finances for them and he had Aspergers and said something insensitive and I was just like "ya know what , fuck this". My parents told me that my teeth "added character". When I was 19 a dentist moved next door and started an invisalign program. I decided that I had had enough "character." My teeth were easy to fix. They looked normal just in time for my wedding.

I never went to college, I was an extremely shy girl with buck teeth in high school. I remember one of the cool guys who ran cross country with us telling me I looked just like a squirrel. I initiated the start of the romantic relationship with my husband. I spent most of my life as a hermit, completely isolated from people. I was almost never in a setting where I experienced what it was like to feel attractive or desired just spontaneously without someone knowing who I was or what I was like. I demonized this sort of thing or "scene" as shallow. I also always felt like I missed out on the fun of it. 

Once I was in a city for my business shortly after graduated high school. It actually turned out to be one of the best days of my life, I ended up getting featured on TV and had amazing sales. On the way to the bathroom a guy looked at me, suggestively raising his eyebrows. I just looked back at him and laughed. His friend punched him and laughed at his rejection. Then I realized what had even happened. I was just shocked, I didn't know how to respond. I just laughed, inappropriate laughter again. I felt bad about my reaction, I never had to deal with this sort of thing. It felt good though.

This is embarrassing. It would have been easier to keep on thinking I was "good" and repressing my devilish egoic desire to be desired. Would it? 

This morning I noticed the word star on a truck and noticed that "star" spelled backwards is "rats". I just pulled a tarot card because I'm feeling some confliction about this topic and journal entry and I pulled the star card. 

Hold your focus forward. You don't transcend by judging yourself. 

 

 

[mandyjw]

It feels so good to know that these are stories, that it's all fictional fantasy. That there is no weight to them. There was a story of self who thought that love was something separate from it and so it thought it could act in right and wrong ways. It believed that it could cut itself off from love, and created the fear of it and so it feared fear and kept itself from feeling its love. 

I went to Dr.P's and noticed two things. The split tree that gave me the insight about nonduality and duality being one and two at the same time last year, is very heart shaped where it splits to two. 

I was considering my intuition and the conflicting thoughts around it. There was a single oak leaf that was obviously and loudly blowing back and forth side to side, casting a long shadow because of the way the sun was angled until finally it stopped and stayed still. How could there be a wrong choice? Is there two? How can there be intuition and a thing that's not intuition? Following or not following? Are we not back to the original predicament of right and wrong, good and bad? Is it not just the One, wobbling back and forth as if it could be in two places at once? 

[mandyjw]

We have no past, we won't reach back
Keep with me forward all through the night
 

I have noticed that when I am in the vortex, or the more I love myself, the more confidence and creative spark I am able to clearly channel, the more other people enjoy being around me and are drawn to me. Sometimes this brings up feelings of discomfort and guilt, old well practiced patterns of grasping love and slapping my own hand away because I thought it was outside of me. There is no one to take credit for "attraction" or to misconstrue it. Because I am concerned and uncomfortable with it due to my judgement of self and others, I attract those very misinterpreted situations. 

 

I want to have close friendships and connect with people deeply, I want to inspire and share my love with the world without fear or holding back.  

Matthew 14 “You are the light of the world. A town built on a hill cannot be hidden. 15 Neither do people light a lamp and put it under a bowl. Instead they put it on its stand, and it gives light to everyone in the house. 16 In the same way, let your light shine before others, that they may see your good deeds and glorify your Father in heaven.

 

 

[mandyjw]

Ooooo... I've for a long time always felt like I need to downplay my success, not talk about my relationship or much of anything at all in a positive light because it's very wrong to risk making other people jealous or make them feel lacking. I didn't know that I was projecting my own tendency of jealousy on other people, instead of expecting the best of them and daring to inspire. I didn't realize that I  do not have the power to make another person feel any particular way. 

[mandyjw]

A teacher is only ever a connector, "one" who makes connections or a channel through which connections come through. There is no one to give and nothing to be given, there are only connections to be made. This is true even in the physical realm.  If reality is indeed a donut, if it's an endless stream of energy in which creator and consumer, giver and receiver are one, then there is no difference between the two. There is only strength of connection, or consciousness of connection. The connection is the only thing being given and the connection is none other than love. 

[mandyjw]

This morning during meditation I made a connection, that because I'm the author and character, all the other characters in my life are my characters just the same. I suppose I knew this before intellectually but the connection wasn't quite made. Then I had a vision of a quarter or crescent moon, encased in a perfectly round globe. And I "heard" a voice playfully say, "Now I'll give you something pretty, so you'll get off the trail." 

[mandyjw]

I've been making connections about how Grammie came through to me the night she died, how reiki works, how I have had mystical connection experiences with a couple other people on the forum I've never met in person, how synchronicity works. 

Connection, connection, connection. 

What is love? Consciousness of connection. Why does it feel amazing to be conscious of connection? Because it's the Truth. 

[mandyjw]

Feeling of connection, peace of connection, holding the connection, leads you to insights and physical manifestations of connection. Inspiration, resonance, intrigue, fascination are all signs of being hot on the trail. Feeling is your direction. It's an easter egg hunt, a maze, a connect the dots puzzle like we got when we were little kids. I remember that I wrote "follow your heart" in just about everyone's yearbook. 

There's no awakening. There's falling in love, into the vortex. There appear to be layers of separation. 

Clothes are an analogy. 

6 When the woman saw that the fruit of the tree was good for food and pleasing to the eye, and also desirable for gaining wisdom, she took some and ate it. She also gave some to her husband, who was with her, and he ate it. 7 Then the eyes of both of them were opened, and they realized they were naked; so they sewed fig leaves together and made coverings for themselves.

8 Then the man and his wife heard the sound of the Lord God as he was walking in the garden in the cool of the day, and they hid from the Lord God among the trees of the garden. 9 But the Lord God called to the man, “Where are you?”

10 He answered, “I heard you in the garden, and I was afraid because I was naked; so I hid.”

11 And he said, “Who told you that you were naked? Have you eaten from the tree that I commanded you not to eat from?”

12 The man said, “The woman you put here with me—she gave me some fruit from the tree, and I ate it.”

13 Then the Lord God said to the woman, “What is this you have done?”

From the Gospel of Thomas,

36. Jesus said, "Do not fret, from morning to evening and from evening to morning, [about your food--what you're going to eat, or about your clothing--] what you are going to wear. [You're much better than the lilies, which neither card nor spin.

As for you, when you have no garment, what will you put on? Who might add to your stature? That very one will give you your garment.]"

37. His disciples said, "When will you appear to us, and when will we see you?"

Jesus said, "When you strip without being ashamed, and you take your clothes and put them under your feet like little children and trample them, then [you] will see the son of the living one and you will not be afraid."

 

 

Edited February 5, 2020 by mandyjw

[mandyjw]

Connections, click, click. 

I described how I spent a lot of my childhood doing hard physical labor, how my parents work ethic was very tied to their morals and money was supposed to be hard to come by, and men had a much better chance of making it. I was very sensitive to people thinking I was waiting for my husband from a wealthy family to graduate, and very guilty of feeling like this was truly my motivation. My jewelry business didn't seem like it would be a success. It seemed like a silly little girl's fantasy. I wrote myself into a story, of thinking about what other people thought of me. When he graduated, his family had completely cut him off financially, the economy crashed and I had unexpectedly fallen into the rise of a niche market. Money started pouring in. Lots of it. My money. From doing what I loved and dreamed of doing. This song was really popular at the time and I felt it. I remember vividly singing it, driving down the hill from where you can see the entire town, feeling like I was on top of the world. 

"I look up to the sky
And now the world is mine
I've known it all my life
I made it, I made it!
I used to dream about, the life I'm living now
I know that there's no doubt.
I made it, I made it!"

 

I mean it, I made it, I painted the sky. I dreamed up the sky, the money, all of it, I made it. 

Edited February 5, 2020 by mandyjw

[mandyjw]

One of my negative memories associated with dancing came up. There was this girl in my class who didn't come from a great family. Her mother was a scared timid Sunday school teacher and her father abused her mother. Thankfully she left him since, but I think she got beat up pretty bad.

Once I was at her birthday party at this girl's house. For one of the activities we were supposed to dance to the Macarena. It was awkward as fuck. They had this tiny living room and her dad was just sitting slumped in a recliner, super close to us just watching us. I was in the front row in front of him not sure where or what to look at and felt REALLY uncomfortable. 

So, what does the song really mean? What are those Spanish lines we sort of mumbled?  It's really hilarious that the Macarena became such a wildly popular song and dance, for kids.

"That’s right, the song is about a girl named Macarena who cheats on her boyfriend with two friends while he’s being drafted into the army. Fun for the whole family? Not quite." https://www.huffpost.com/entry/the-macarena-meaning-crush-90-soul_n_55e738c9e4b0b7a9633b491d

"Give your body joy, Macarena
Because your body is meant to be given joy and good things
Give your body joy, Macarena.
Hey Macarena!"  

 

Edited February 5, 2020 by mandyjw

[mandyjw]

Oh. My. God. Kundalini energy much? She's absolutely enchanting. 

 

[mandyjw]

 

 

[mandyjw]

We're afraid of what we want most of all. How does that even make sense? It doesn't. We're afraid of our own abusive inner critic, thoughts.

I came out of the door and looked back into the window in the door at my reflection. Instead of seeing my face I saw a blinding light where my face should be and remembered that I had turned a bright light on and thought this was poetic. Then perfectly on cue within seconds, a huge flock of birds flew right over my head loudly and I looked up into the sky to see the moon over the trees. 

Imagine image imagin i magic

Made in the image of God, imagination of Self.

This song was the "devil" when I grew up. I remember being horrified by the lyrics. "Imagine there's no heaven"

Imagine all the people
Sharing all the world

You may say that I'm a dreamer
But I'm not the only one
I hope someday you'll join us
And the world will live as one

Edited February 6, 2020 by mandyjw

[mandyjw]

Hilarity and also the deepest form of love is love itself, singing this to itself. Pull away, so you can come closer again. Forget so you can discover and know again. 

 

Edited February 7, 2020 by mandyjw

[mandyjw]

Why is there something rather than nothing? Why is there duality? Why must everything have an opposite? 

What was (are? I wrote "was" instead of are, era spelled backwards) we doing here, realizing the underlying transcending oneness of duality itself? The nondual and the dual can never be separate. The one is many, it's always many, it can never NOT BE MANY, just as it can never NOT BE ONE. Is this true, or am I bullshitting myself?

Did I not choose to bullshit myself, am I not the magician putting on a show and the audience together for the purpose of entertainment? 

DOCTRINE says it's ONE. It's ONE MOTHER FUCKERS. (doctrine, the doctor's in, and it's been doctored. No illness, no doctor) 

Why the back and forth? Why the good and bad? Why when I got sick when I was a kid, really sick, all my desires and identifications disappeared and there was suffering. There was studying the patterns on the linoleum of the floor, and existential questioning, a desire for death over suffering. And when it lifted there was a bliss state. Or when I had my wisdom teeth out, 18 hours later, there was a bliss state. Is the bliss state just a "goody" as Preetom says? Is it something more or is that wishful thinking? Is it like the cork shooting back to the surface after it's been held down, far under the surface of the water? The further you hold the cork down, the higher it shoots out of the water from the pressure, it's like loading a gun.

Fear is a tricky thing. It's afraid to be wrong. Where does wrong start and right begin? 

Fear is afraid to venture out for fear that it will suffer because of it. The desire to transcend conditions itself CANNOT come out of fear. It must come out of love. Fear is resistance, cutting itself off. It is afraid of itself, and yet it serves itself. This flip state seems to be the entire purpose of our existence. No fear, no courage.

So then, what is the difference between fully accepting conditions and transcending them? Is not fear and depression a beautiful building up to their opposites, and then, where does the fear end and love start?

Does not the view from a high cliff on a mountain stun and awe, where fear and beauty merge and are felt fully? Where does depression end and happiness start? 

Where do they meet in the middle? Do they cancel each other out?

So then, how can there be opposites at all if one does not have a beginning or end, if they cancel themselves out in the middle, what is the middle called? What is the opposite of energy? 

Where does the question stop and the answer begin? 

So why is there something rather than nothing?

 

[mandyjw]

 

[mandyjw]

In the middle of the riddle one feels little. Why do we ask questions? Who wants to know? I'll meet you in the middle? 

Meet, meat. John 6:53 So Jesus said to them, "Truly, truly, I say to you, unless you eat the flesh of the Son of Man and drink His blood, you have no life in yourselves."

"The band's name came from a crayon drawing made after an incident between Linton's younger brothers, Jim and Ed Linton, who fought frequently. Jim usually won, but Ed sought revenge by drawing a picture of Jim shoving the Earth into his mouth; the picture bore the caption "Jimmy eat world" https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Jimmy_Eat_World

Edited February 7, 2020 by mandyjw