Recovering from a breakup of a 5 years relationship

[Sari]

Hi guys, 

I couldn’t find advice to my particular situation elsewhere, so I’d really appreciate any advice.

Here’s the problem. I’ll try to make it short.

 

I’ve been residing in Japan as a student for 5 years, until December 2018.

I met my girlfriend from the very first month, and we became couples for the whole 5 years. 

Until last year, I decided to change my major in university, but that entailed going back to my home country and working for 2 years to collect money for coming back again and study on my own expense.

what happened was after 3 months from going back to my home country. Because the job I was expecting still didn’t  open for applying yet, she said to me “ this is so stressing, I can’t stop worrying that things will go sideways and you won’t be able to come back after 2 years. Which is already difficult and I’m not shore I can handle it... . I’m 25 and you know I wanna have kids and make a family before 30. But looks like it’s gonna take you long before you get a job and be able to raise a family. I love you and want you, but I’m so stressed and worried about my future.”

I replied “ I love you too, and wanna make a family with you. You know how much I’m willing to do to make things happen as we want, but unfortunately, this is the best I could do right now. So, I’ll be really happy if after I come back and graduate from university, you’d be next to me. But, it’s your life too. You’re future too. So, if you feel it’s better to not wait and that it’s too risky, you have all the freedom to find someone else. I’ll still love & support you. And I will wish you all the best.”

 

A few days after, she decided not to wait. I respected her choice, but it’s been 4 months now and I just can’t stop missing here and wishing she would take me back. We’ve had so much together. We grew together, we suffered together, fought together & support each other. I know her so damn well, and she does too.

Basically, my life in my home country ( which is Saudi btw) was so damn pale and tasteless compared to what I have experienced in those 5 years, especially with her. All the good memories. Even the tough and bad ones. We dated since we were 19. We had so many planes which will never happen now. And that’s hard to forget, at least for me now.

 

She started searching for another guy, and lately she has been dating this guy, which she might consider seriously.

 

 I’m honestly happy she found a good guy that will hopefully make her happy. But at the same time, I’m so envy of him.

strangely, I don’t hate him at all. I’m actually relieved in a since because he really looks like a good guy. But I just cannot imagine loosing her. Like actually loosing her. I Cannot imagine her with someone else. I still feel she’s my girlfriend. I still feel I have hopes for us.

 

 I know it’s ridiculous and needy behavior. But the idea that bugs me a lot is that we didn’t brake up because we didn’t love or want each other, the circumstances forced us. 

I know that’s stupid too. 

But how can I overcome this? 

Although I know that with the personal development work I’m doing with Leo she will not be happy with me. Because she already didn’t like most of what I do. For example, she didn’t like how I changed the food I eat because we can’t “enjoy” food together as we always did. Also she didn’t like me meditating, thinking it was a religious kinda thing. 

 

Although I can see that there’s a high possibility that it might not work and she will eventually be frustrated with me and leave, I still cling to my ideals & hope.

 

how can I just let go of this? I know dating other girls can help, but it’s saudi. It’s difficult. Everything has to be done secretly. Which is so stupid and frustrating. 

 

How can I fix myself from the inside and just forget about this rather already over relationship?

 I want to stop clinging and hoping, but I don’t know how...

 

Thanks in advance ??

 

 

[SFRL]

https://www.google.com/amp/s/www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/me-we/201406/the-7-stages-grieving-breakup%3famp

 

[studentofthegame]

Focus on yourself and get into personal development.

In time you will be with the right girl and you will not regret that your old relationship ended. 

It’s painful now but you are in the arena. See it like going to the gym. Allow yourself to feel the feelings when they come up and then move on with your day. Fill your head with positivity through the actions you take and the books you read.

Good luck

[flowboy]

@Sari

Negative visualisation.

Really picture staying with her. Not doing what you want with your life. Always wondering what it would have been like to change your major. Always having that gnawing feeling that you compromised your life purpose because you didn't have faith in the Universe to provide you with the right partner, so you clung to the wrong one. Not long after, you will start to resent her for it and only see her flaws. She will be critical of you meditating and having a healthy diet. You have a history of giving in to her out of fear, so you give up meditating and diet. You resent her even more. You criticize and pick on each other a lot.

These tensions call for a change in the relationship: she's in a rush to have a child, so she'll make sure she gets pregnant soon. You go along with it, convincing yourself that that will make you happy because she will be more happy.

This child will take up all of both your energy, so you will become extremely tired and stressed. This will magnify your differences and you will hate each other. You will stop having sex. She won't even kiss you on the cheek or cuddle you anymore. You feel like your balls have been taken from you, and she makes you feel like you don't deserve anything, every day of your life. Eventually you will have to forget who you wanted to be, because it's too painful.

Now you're just a depressed dad, trapped in a sexless loveless relationship. You won't be able to hide your problems from your child, and your child will have to grow up in a dysfunctional relationship, with parents who resent each other. Because of that, when your son or daughter grows up, he/she will have self esteem issues and won't be able to have a healthy relationship in her life. It will take her at least 30 years to figure out that that is actually your fault, because her parents shouldn't have stayed together. And now her life is fucked, too, because she never had a good example of a happy, flowing relationship.

 

Spend some time with that picture. Visualise it for half an hour a day for the coming month.

Still miss her?

 

I'm not even exaggerating. This is actually how that shit goes.

Edited September 3, 2019 by flowboy

[bejapuskas]

On 1. 9. 2019 at 11:07 PM, Sari said:

how can I just let go of this? I know dating other girls can help, but it’s saudi. It’s difficult. Everything has to be done secretly. Which is so stupid and frustrating. 

Dating other girls would just be a distraction to hide your deep self-deception, I would suggest you to wait some more with that.

 

Watch yourself lie, read this:

On 1. 9. 2019 at 11:07 PM, Sari said:

Although I can see that there’s a high possibility that it might not work and she will eventually be frustrated with me and leave, I still cling to my ideals & hope.

And then this:

On 1. 9. 2019 at 11:07 PM, Sari said:

I’m honestly happy she found a good guy that will hopefully make her happy. But at the same time, I’m so envy of him.

strangely, I don’t hate him at all. I’m actually relieved in a since because he really looks like a good guy. But I just cannot imagine loosing her. Like actually loosing her. I Cannot imagine her with someone else. I still feel she’s my girlfriend. I still feel I have hopes for us.

You have to be honest with yourself, unless you work with the real you, you cannot be helped. 

On 1. 9. 2019 at 11:07 PM, Sari said:

what happened was after 3 months from going back to my home country. Because the job I was expecting still didn’t  open for applying yet, she said to me “ this is so stressing, I can’t stop worrying that things will go sideways and you won’t be able to come back after 2 years. Which is already difficult and I’m not shore I can handle it... . I’m 25 and you know I wanna have kids and make a family before 30. But looks like it’s gonna take you long before you get a job and be able to raise a family. I love you and want you, but I’m so stressed and worried about my future.”

I replied “ I love you too, and wanna make a family with you. You know how much I’m willing to do to make things happen as we want, but unfortunately, this is the best I could do right now. So, I’ll be really happy if after I come back and graduate from university, you’d be next to me. But, it’s your life too. You’re future too. So, if you feel it’s better to not wait and that it’s too risky, you have all the freedom to find someone else. I’ll still love & support you. And I will wish you all the best.”

Did you really mean this or were you just trying to manipulate her unconsciously? Think about that. You couldn't read her sign correctly.

[flowboy]

@bejapuskas  You assume that people are logically consistent, and so if they make two conflicting statements then one of them must be a lie. This is false. People simply express what they feel at a certain time. And if it is what they really feel, then it is honest. Even though they really felt something else a few days before.

[bejapuskas]

@flowboy  Of course this can be a case, but I have a very negative experience in my life with manipulating others unconsciously, maybe I am projecting that onto others, but it certainly is an issue... What do you think?

[flowboy]

@bejapuskas  I think that a negative experience that you learned from provides a valuable perspective for others.

This particular case doesn't seem manipulative to me at all.

 

[SFRL]

20 hours ago, flowboy said:

@bejapuskas  You assume that people are logically consistent, and so if they make two conflicting statements then one of them must be a lie. This is false. People simply express what they feel at a certain time. And if it is what they really feel, then it is honest. Even though they really felt something else a few days before.

That's a good point. 

[bejapuskas]

@flowboy  Maybe we just have a different definition of that word...  

[Sari]

@bejapuskas

On 2019/9/3 at 8:02 PM, bejapuskas said:

Did you really mean this or were you just trying to manipulate her unconsciously? Think about that. You couldn't read her sign correctly.

what sign do you mean? And what’s the correct reading?

[bejapuskas]

@Sari  To me it seems pretty obvious that she couldn't handle it anymore, I think she wanted you to stop or break up with you, but I might be wrong.

[flowboy]

7 hours ago, bejapuskas said:

To me it seems pretty obvious that she couldn't handle it anymore, I think she wanted you to stop or break up with you

@bejapuskas What part are you getting that from? Doesn't resonate here

[Sari]

@SFRL @studentofthegame @flowboy @pluto @bejapuskas @bejapuskas

Thank you all for the advice, you gave me various perspectives on the subject. That helps. Also there are some great advice ❤️??

Edited September 6, 2019 by Sari

[bejapuskas]

On 1. 9. 2019 at 11:07 PM, Sari said:

“ this is so stressing, I can’t stop worrying that things will go sideways and you won’t be able to come back after 2 years. Which is already difficult and I’m not shore I can handle it... . I’m 25 and you know I wanna have kids and make a family before 30. But looks like it’s gonna take you long before you get a job and be able to raise a family. I love you and want you, but I’m so stressed and worried about my future.”

@flowboy  This part. What do you think? 

[Cocolove]

Go fuck 10 other girls. seriously though, have you considered other people? imagine if you could have a relationship as good as what you had but she is cool with personal development and meditation

[flowboy]

On 9/7/2019 at 11:07 AM, bejapuskas said:

@flowboy  This part. What do you think? 

@bejapuskas Seems like honest communication to me. I'm not seeing any signs that she wanted him to break up with her. I think she was just honestly expressing her conflict.

But I don't know either. It's simply interesting that both our projections differ so vastly

Edited September 9, 2019 by flowboy

[bejapuskas]

@flowboy  Nevermind, neither of us can see inside her mind, thanks for sharing your opinion  

[Average Investor]

It sounds like a lot of the issue is maybe around where you live and the limited options it's providing you. It might be worth it to consider a new place to live. I am sure the relationship sounds great now. But imagine how much better of a partner you could find investing more into yourself. Not having someone trying to get you to resist change. Having someone who has maybe developed similar habits and practices. 

I say once you make it about another 5 months or so you will be able to be quite healed from this as long as you continue working on yourself. Watch Leo's new video on love. I think it would help you see the beauty in this dissolving. I bet you are headed towards a great future if you stay on the right track.