Energetical cleansing on LSD

[peanutspathtotruth]

I don't usually share my psychedelic experiences here, but what happened yesterday was so beyond anything I ever experienced that I a) want to share it with you, b) get some opinions on what exactly happened and c) show clearly to those who are not ready what can happen. 

PRE-TRIP
I built up to that trip for quite a while. I had my first real awakening experience on another LSD trip about a month ago which changed everything for me. I saw for the first time what I truly am. Basically it was the direct experience of oneness, God. It was beautiful and just beyond any description. Then there was a "downfall" - all my layers of trauma and conditioning rebuilt themselves in front of my eyes. This took hours. I "lost" the realization. I watched the process of separation happen and I had no chance to do anything about it. That was life changing. Since then I deepened my commitment to this path. I introduced myself to 5-Meo. I didn't breakthrough yet but it was deep nonetheless. For the last two weeks, I did at least one 2 hour meditation session (do nothing + self inquiry) a day, which got deeper and deeper over time. Also, I got back into one meal a day to detox my body through the prolonged fasts and a very clean diet. My commitment was (and still is) to purify body and soul so much that I can truly receive what psychedelics offer. And boy, did I receive yesterday...

So after waking up, I journaled as every morning, setting my intention for the trip: whatever happens, give yourself to it completely. Love it. Just let it happen. 
I prepared some snacks for later and dropped the acid. It should be noted that at that time I was on an 18 hour fast. Although I heard that it might be heavy on the body, I felt like going into the trip without eating anything beforehand. My mind was really clear and I wanted to keep that during the trip. I started my trip with a Rupert guided meditation, which I often do - it makes the upcome smooth and gets me into contemplation mode right from the start. 

COME-UP
After 30 minutes or so, the craziness began. I was accelerating in consciousness so quickly, I couldn't hold onto anything. Rupert gave nice little pointers here and there, but I couldn't really focus on anything. Time was already morphed beyond understanding. After the meditation ended, which was about an hour later, I moved from my couch to lie down on the floor in corpse pose. I investigated into my Being. I repeatedly moved into recognizing myself as awareness, deepening that sense of being without substance. Pretty quickly, things got crazy. It all started with my consciousness getting so... "direct" (?), so clear. that my body responded. Basically, there was an energy moving through me so intensely that it made me curl my spine without any control, so my butt was still on the floor, my chest pressed heavily towards the ceiling. This was after 90 minutes. 

PHASE ONE
Now begins the first "phase" of the whole process. For the next two hours or so, this happened over and over again: There was a light, a knowing, an awareness so damn bright that whenever I looked at it, whenever I allowed myself to be it, this energy would shoot through my body. It was pulling my spine up so heavily, sometimes my head was still on the floor, sometimes I was halfway in the air with a straight spine, my back muscles being stronger than I could ever imagine. Yes, exactly as in an exorcism. I was lying in that position sometimes for minutes. It felt like to work properly it needed my spine to be off the ground, because whenever I lay down again, I surrendered to it and BAM I was being pulled up again. Also, within these two hours, it felt like a pathway was forcefully cleared. I really don't know, but one of the few thoughts that came to me were "damn, is this a Kundalini thing?" Because after this energy fully entered me, a lot of stuff happened.
At this point, there was no mind doing any inquiry anymore. The only thing I did was letting myself die to the moment - whatever that means, I still have no idea. It was like taking the courage to LOOK. To not look away anymore. And everytime I did, an energy wave would hit me. So after this clearing happened, there was a new element introduced to the energetic pulls: Shaking. Damn... I am still in the "first phase" and the energetic waves happen and with them I shake intensely, sometimes my whole body tightening up. I wasn't doing any of it, the sense of control was long gone. I felt like this energy could break my bones EASILY. It was so intense. With these shakings, a process started to happen which unfolded over the next two hours or so. So bear in mind, I was already "doing" this for two hours and I thought that this was the peak and it would be over soon - no. 

PHASE TWO
So phase two started when emotions started puring out with the energetic purges. And it was always with a certain body part that a specific emotion was released. It felt like a cleansing from bottom to top. So it started with my legs shaking heavily, releasing traumas and beliefs connected to my sexual center. I experienced a lot of shame that was hiding there within me. I let it happen. At one point, a burst of incredible self-confidence about my sexuality was released. All feelings of not being good enough or feeling ashamed about my body were gone. It felt very healthy. I just let it happen. Then, it went on to my belly. This was very interesting. First, this area was shaking heavily and at one point I was presented with an emotion I havn't felt as long as I can remember: anger. I consider myself to be a loving, peaceful guy, but I always knew there's something deeply repressed in me, because I never feel angry. Yesterday, it was finally released. Oh boy.. We have a phrase in German, "teufelswild" which means "wild as the devil". And DAMN WAS I WILD. I was so angry, I could have destroyed a building, hurt someone badly. And instead of pulling away, I let it happen. It felt so good. And the feeling passed away as well. Then fear entered. It was the most limiting feeling of fear I ever felt. It was like the basic fear of a creature not wanting to die. The energy purges still happened of course. And I recognized intense tensions in my belly. I consciously allowed the tension to melt away, to make myself vulnerable. And the fear vanished. There was more going on in my chest/heart area, then my throat and finally my head. It's too much to put into here. I don't understand it myself. But every time, the specific body part would shake heavily during the energy purges and traumas and feelings were brought up. This was phase two. I'm now 5 hours into the trip and experienced 4 hours of this crazy purging. 

To clarify: I have and had no idea what was happening. What I know is that mentally I did not resist one bit and I did not put any effort into anything. As I intended, I just let it do its thing. Even while experiencing these intense emotions, my body tightening like it would burst my rib cage, and my face switching between a "help I'm dying" and a "have your way with me" expression, I did not struggle. I wasn't the body nor the mind. I was "it". And I watched myself purifying me of myself. That is, of the prison I was living in all my life. So it didn't feel wrong or terrible. In fact, it felt extremely freeing. It was like layers upon layers were lifted and I became ever more pure. I, that what i truly am I mean, this energy, was clearing all sense of otherness out of myself. That's what it felt like. I couldn't look away from myself being THAT. And so that simple recognition was doing the cleansing. At least that's what it felt like.

PHASE THREE
So after these 4 hours, my muscles being sore as hell and my blanket and pillow being soaked in sweat, I realized that I asked for this. And that the process is not over yet. Without a break, it just went on for three more hours. This is phase 3. This is when the peak subsided. And my ego was repeatedly trying to get a grip over its survival. Before there was any thought, i felt the ascending sense of being limited. It's hard to describe - it was this immense infinity suddenly being put into a cage. I decided that I don't want to fall asleep again. So I clearly looked: Who am I? Is this cage that starts entering really me? If not, why does it feel like that? I looked clearly and the second I saw the truth of it, another energy purge would hit me and the cage burst into pieces - I died into my Self. This happened over and over and over again. For three hours!! I really understood now that the ego itself is a strange loop within consciousness. That to die is really to live. I repeated this dying, being thrown back into illusion, dying etc. 

INSIGHTS
At some point though, I had to eat something and my energy levels were depleted. The mental cage started coming back completely this time. And I was fine with it. After eating, I inquired further. And I was wondering: Although i see it so clearly, why is this energetical structure always coming back? Literally the second I lay down on the floor after an energetic purge (which ALWAYS pulled my spine up the whole trip through by the way), it came back. At some point I saw that I can't kill it, because I'm still trying to do so from within the cage itself. That will never ever work. But if I am the one thinking to be the cage, how do I solve this "problem"? Because my innocence truly wants to be free. I realized it instantly: The last step can only be taken by grace, by love. So I entered my heart and loved the mental construct that was holding "me" as a prisoner. I didn't try to abandon it anymore. And that is what teachers like Matt Kahn say over and over again: You can't abandon the ego. Only love can do that. So to assist in that process, match the vibration of love, recognizing even the ego being a part of God and loving it for its infinite beauty. That does not mean to give in to the ego. It's to give up the illusion that there is someone who can pop the ego bubble. There isn't. What i saw clearly when in the loop of breaking out of ego and falling into it again is that the whole game I'm playing is like a pair of hands punching the air and slowly but surely disappearing, like a ghost. It's nothing! And I saw that I don't have to fight to "keep that insight". So for me, my path is a path of love now. More commited than ever before. I will keep meditating and I will keep inquiring. But I won't try to escape from anywhere, for I am always the undying. I let grace do the rest, for I am not in control.

QUESTIONS
If you really made it to the end, thank you so much for taking the time. I have some questions:
- Does anyone have a clue what might have happened there? I mean, it was energetic, that's for sure. But I'm not sure if maybe my Kundalini just cleared the way or if it actually awoke already? It's hard to tell when tripping balls, but the power of 2000 suns was bursting through my spine, so yeah, where do you draw the line? 
- I feel different. Something big has been released. And something has died. But what happened is so damn intense, I want to make sure to give my body the time to integrate that. Besides a proper nutrition, plenty of rest and maybe fasting, any tips for energetic integration? I'm really a newbie here.
- For those who are on the path and maybe start experimenting with psychedelics: Are you aware what power you are playing with? I say this only to let you know that this could happen to you. And I'm not sure many people would surrender that easily. Are you ready to get ripped apart for 7 hours straight? I'm not being an asshole here, but please be sure that you know what you're doing. Always start small. Respect your body. And don't fight. I can't imagine what would have happened if I would have fought this. Be aware that you're playing with fire!

I love you all <3 

Edited August 13, 2019 by peanutspathtotruth

[Chi_]

Wow this is quite inspiring <3 

[Leo Gura]

Yes, all this is normal and great stuff.

Spiritual purification I call it. The body stores a lot of emotional baggage, fear, tension, ego, etc. You're gonna have to release all that shit to reach the highest levels of enlightenment.

The good news is, your next trip should take you much deeper into existential insight. The point of releasing personal baggage is to make yourself pure enough to realize the deepest existential insights.

Next time try contemplating a question like: What is Love? What is God? Why does reality exist? What is intelligence? What is perception? What is consciousness? What is evil? and so forth.

Once you purge all the energetic blocks, that's when the trips become really interesting. You can sit calmly and just contemplate.

[peanutspathtotruth]

10 minutes ago, Leo Gura said:

The good news is, your next trip should take you much deeper into existential insight. The point of releasing personal baggage is to make yourself pure enough to realize the deepest existential insights.

Exactly, all this really feels like preparation of the system. The last month I was just thinking that the past 4-5 years of this work have just been a warm up. Without playing down what immense change this time brought, the real process still lies ahead. However creepy the trip might sound, it felt 100% right and in alignment with truth. 

Thank you for your help with all of this Leo. I wouldn't be here without you. I really mean it. Thank you!

[kieranperez]

Follow up with heavy psychotherapy and shadow work.

NOTE: You CANNOT do that on your own. 

[peanutspathtotruth]

8 hours ago, kieranperez said:

Follow up with heavy psychotherapy and shadow work.

NOTE: You CANNOT do that on your own. 

Interesting that you say that, thank you. What makes you so sure about this though? I'd love to do psychotherapy, but it's not an option for me, I'm not in a position to pay for that. 

[reves]

Awesome, thanks for sharing!

[kieranperez]

4 hours ago, peanutspathtotruth said:

Interesting that you say that, thank you. What makes you so sure about this though? I'd love to do psychotherapy, but it's not an option for me, I'm not in a position to pay for that. 

Tak to @winterknight on as far as very afforadable options. He connected me to a Psychoanalytic institute that has a referral program that can be extremely cheap and affordable.

Shadow work is not something you do on your own simply because the shadow is by definition the self that you can’t see. Remember, the eye can’t look at itself. Don’t make it harder than it has to be. Emotional purification and shadow work is bringing awareness to your own self deception. Doing it on your own is like you trying to look at your face but the closest you can get is your nose. 

Get a good psychoanalyst and or a trained practitioner in Reichian therapy or someone whose trained in some form of shadow work. 

A silent mind is one that is emotionally purified or is purifying. All my glimpses of Truth always come after a major emotional release and my mind is finally silent. A silent mind is a concentrated mind. Trying to concentrate in meditation without emotional purification is, as far as my experience, a waste of time. Those who can meditate deeply do so because their mind is finally silent and quiet because theres no unconscious trauma or split personalities in the background projecting its needs onto the world to fulfill needs that weren’t met earlier in life. Have you noticed that monks, Zen masters, yogis, and other stages and mystics who got enlightened weren’t fighting with themselves? Have you noticed that? It may have been hard but the majority of their effort is in realizing the matter itself. Why? Silent mind. There’s little to no internal conflict (for the most part - don’t confuse emotional purification with no shadow. There will always be shadows. Shadow work doesn’t ever end. You don’t ever not have a shadow). Meditation hundreds of years ago worked because the ego was a lot more simple. It was nowhere near as complex as it is now.

Hope this adds clarity 

[peanutspathtotruth]

9 hours ago, kieranperez said:

Tak to @winterknight on as far as very afforadable options. He connected me to a Psychoanalytic institute that has a referral program that can be extremely cheap and affordable.

Shadow work is not something you do on your own simply because the shadow is by definition the self that you can’t see. Remember, the eye can’t look at itself. Don’t make it harder than it has to be. Emotional purification and shadow work is bringing awareness to your own self deception. Doing it on your own is like you trying to look at your face but the closest you can get is your nose. 

Get a good psychoanalyst and or a trained practitioner in Reichian therapy or someone whose trained in some form of shadow work. 

A silent mind is one that is emotionally purified or is purifying. All my glimpses of Truth always come after a major emotional release and my mind is finally silent. A silent mind is a concentrated mind. Trying to concentrate in meditation without emotional purification is, as far as my experience, a waste of time. Those who can meditate deeply do so because their mind is finally silent and quiet because theres no unconscious trauma or split personalities in the background projecting its needs onto the world to fulfill needs that weren’t met earlier in life. Have you noticed that monks, Zen masters, yogis, and other stages and mystics who got enlightened weren’t fighting with themselves? Have you noticed that? It may have been hard but the majority of their effort is in realizing the matter itself. Why? Silent mind. There’s little to no internal conflict (for the most part - don’t confuse emotional purification with no shadow. There will always be shadows. Shadow work doesn’t ever end. You don’t ever not have a shadow). Meditation hundreds of years ago worked because the ego was a lot more simple. It was nowhere near as complex as it is now.

Hope this adds clarity 

Thank you for taking the time, this did widen my perspective on things. Very interesting what you say about the clear mind and the ability to meditate and how it could be connected to trauma and emotional baggage. 

I have to say I don't believe that it's necessary to get someone else to assist in this psychological work. But I also don't believe that I can do it on my own. What I mean is, I'm open to both possibilities and honestly, I don't know. And I can't trust what anyone says because how would you know that for sure? 

So I guess I'll have to find out for myself. You gave me the last push, I will look into what my insurance would cover. And I will contact winterknight. Thank you for the inspiration! 

[kieranperez]

@peanutspathtotruth @winterknight Does a great job clearing this up. I’m not saying you can’t clear ANYTHING up but this notion that you and you alone will get the deepest work done as far as self deception and psychological purification and integration of one’s shadow (or unconscious - basically the same thing), I’ve found (and MANY others - also from the proven track record of failures of those who try to just do it alone) that you’re just not going to. You can get the same answer from Ken Wilber as I have tell you that. 

Im not saying abandon doing solo work but just understand that that’s pretty surface level stuff. This is why gurus and masters help. They point out what you’re blind to. Doing it PURELY alone (note: at some point you will have to go it alone because you and you alone are the only one that can get enlightened) often just makes something needlessly harder. Granted: I’M VERY WARY OF AUTHORITY. However, the inability to trust others is nothing other than neurosis and an unconscious projection.  

If I come off as brash its only to get a point across. Hope this works out well  

[peanutspathtotruth]

17 minutes ago, kieranperez said:

Granted: I’M VERY WARY OF AUTHORITY. However, the inability to trust others is nothing other than neurosis and an unconscious projection. 

Good point. Trust might be the wrong word. I'd just say I don't take things as true just because it's said. I think we're on the same page here  

18 minutes ago, kieranperez said:

If I come off as brash its only to get a point across. Hope this works out well  

You don't, I hear you my friend. And I take it seriously. I will get into that. Thank you <3 

[Mercurio3]

I did a 1P-LSD trip last Monday and it was so intense. I felt that heavy energetic release as well. At some point my ego was literally collapsing. Even that pleasuring hand shaking that @Leo Gura described in his DPT trip report. Very profound insights about how all reality is a manifestation of two opposite energies (masculine and feminine) which really are the same. The yin-yang. It’s something primitive, universal, inherent to all manifested existence. An eternal battle that gives life to all what exists. But it’s just a game. And always ends in a draw. I could see that literally anywhere, in everything.

After that I realized all my blockages, that was not fun. But I know exactly what I have to do to free myself.

[peanutspathtotruth]

7 hours ago, Mercurio3 said:

After that I realized all my blockages, that was not fun. But I know exactly what I have to do to free myself.

Could you elaborate on that? What is it you know exactly to do now to free yoursef? I'm curious

[Mercurio3]

1 hour ago, peanutspathtotruth said:

Could you elaborate on that? What is it you know exactly to do now to free yoursef? I'm curious

Just personal things, sorry. Everything I didn’t face in my daily-basis. I was ignoring that things, simple fear.

[peanutspathtotruth]

On 15.8.2019 at 3:13 PM, Mercurio3 said:

Just personal things, sorry. Everything I didn’t face in my daily-basis. I was ignoring that things, simple fear.

No worries, I understand that of course. I'm very happy for you discovering this! All the best for you!