Reflection - Mastery Discipline Life Purpose

[ValiantSalvatore]

I want to watch this fully when I have more time or watch it sporadically the host is one of the facilitators of Shinzen.

 

Also this I never found this from shinzen.

https://www.shinzen.org/wp-content/uploads/2016/08/WhatIsMindfulness_SY_Public_ver1.5.pdf

Edited September 16, 2019 by ValiantSalvatore

[ValiantSalvatore]

Microfears today:


Wasting time
People at the gym
Questions about my relationship status
Fear of the forum ?..
Fear of what people think of me
Fear of not being feared
Fear of being left alone
Fear of receiving no help
Fear of failure
Fear of not programming
Fear of not doing enough work
Fear of crying
Fear of commitment ?
Fear of what the other interns of other professor think about me and how I impact his repute
Fear of making people look bad in my presence
Fear of not having enough money
Fear of not having my own car and that I other people drive me to places
Fear of being a nothing and valuless
Fear of time management and scheduling
Fear of not eating enough
Fear of going to the doctor
Fear of not eating healthy enough


I do think that is about it

How are these microfears related to my identity ?
They are related in a way that I actually think about spiral dynamics in the moment, yet somehow the model mostly for now I was able to treat fairly objectively, it is more a fear based identity of old wounds and scars, that fits better into my understanding. So these microfears are related to old wounds, traumas, fears that reside in my body, especially the plexus.

How are my thoughts shaped by fear ?
The thoughts are mostly shaped by emotion and or mental pictures, I can deal fairly well with mental talk and dissect the flow feelings afterwards around the cerebellum, otherwise they are shaped more into this identity mode ? Where I am playing roles that I am not conscious of ? Like "Good Boy" or "Kid" or "Man" or "Minority" or "My Authentic Self" or "Emotionally wounded child ?" or "Asshole literally I am not sure why I have this in my head", "Lucky" "Happy" etc. So they mostly represent a cultural role and or a quality that I want to maintain to prevent fear from arising. So these fears enforce an identity that is approved by others and myself. Or that others see and I unconsciously internalize since its pleases some part of them. Which I do not intend, I am not neccsarily a people pleasure, not at all. I could care less. Yet, I am quite compassionate so fear of not looking compassionate is also there hm...

What am I unwilling to experience ?
Feeling vulnerable, feeling open, a kriya release, body emotions, past traumas and pains, healthy roles ? More healthy roles ? Acceptance of what is ? Uncertainity unconsciously ? Although I believe I can deal with it and shadow work, yet it revolves more around the actual loss of something, loss of an opportunity, a bright future, smth similar. So, fear of having things taken from me which I dont think can be taken, for instance my value, chances, opportunities, and uniquness ?? Not sure about this so far. Yet, some of it is true.

[ValiantSalvatore]

I feel like writing a small post.

I feel a bit off on how fake in general people are and they only admire the results of training or when they can tangible see it. It is not like they wish you well during the process of becoming, although a few do. It is a bit akward since I cant share my life experience with a lot of people and it does not make sense, the people who I connect the most with are usually also single childs, or grew up in a similar way where they have a lot of room for themselves. So, I can relate to them a lot more, usually they also have somehow the same interest.

I convinced my professor to do crossfit lol, I am not sure why he takes it into consideration and I feel a bit sterotypical inpsiring people through my fitness and enegry levels, although I am not a high energetic person I easily have access to "piti" which most seem not to have so feelings of excitement etc. Can come quite easily to me and I generally feel that I feel more than most people, which is cool, yet annyoing that no one even tries besides a few to feel this quality themselves. I feel it now and can controll what I noticed small pitis or the smallest piti at will, and spread it throughout the body in seconds, I wonder what this means. That I have a lot of energy or a propensity to feel rapture, and more energetic qualities in meditation. Zen from what I read also trains in this. I will actually go to the gym today even though I did not want to go, I am just bored and want to train my body.

I still cant believe that this is theoretically one of the best times in my life, I can do what I want even though it is not perfect I can learn what I wanted to learn and I can dive into topics that interest me, yet what I noticed is that it is difficult to find people who want to learn more and read. I mean I can speed read I could read in a day for instance 2-3 books if they are small if I wanted to, yet it still would take me up to 8h with notes.

I never tested this yet, my WPM is far above average, still I somehow lost all interest since normal people are just interested in normal stuff and dont take it to the extraordinary, I want to contemplate that how can I get to the extraordinary and ignite my inner greatness or re-kindle my inner flame and drive for excellence. Working out surely is one way, meditation is one way, and especially also reading its sometimes difficult for me to distinguish between excitement and competition. I am not a very competitive person, I enjoy a healthy dose of competition with support.

Otherwise I am a bit appaled by the selection of the cafeteria and their food, "sausage salad and fries" very this region. I enjoy the solitary lifestyle and the nature, yet I want to move and meet more out of the ordinary people.

I finished my 12 Weeks coach and my meditations are working quite well so far, since I split it up in 30 minute segments with a focus of metta and a focus on choiceless awarness.

I am listening to some podcats while doing some monoton work, yet one thing strikes me which is the arrogance of "educated" people, I read in somwhere if theory is not balanced by practice people become arrogant and vice-versa. It was very odd when I discoverd my own arrogance I still like it a bit to much, which is one aspect were I shoot myself in the foot. But somehow it has changed, it also gives me this piti feeling so I cant tell instead that it is just a misdirected form of life energy ?

[ValiantSalvatore]

Microfears today:

Fear of a dog type person
Fear of meeting the person I currently hate the most
Fear of priviledge
Fear of the unseen whitness of white people
Fear of receiving to much information
Fear of abusing trust given to me
Fear of traditional people
Fear of the collective unconsciouness of germans
Fear of being alone to much
Fear of not meeting any like minded people
Fear of not getting enough sleep
Fear of not having enough time
Fear of not being well-organized
Fear of not having enough money
Fear of spending to much money
Fear of the ethnocentrism of foreigners in Germany
Fear of modernity
Fear of post-modernity
Fear of being ostracized
Fear of having made a bad decision since I wanted to stay up late and test 4h sleep and see if my meditation habit made any difference
Fear of the content of my dreams not being able to interpret them properly when they are so vivid
Fear of being to long at the gym
Fear of distracting myself to much
Fear of not learning what I want to learn
Fear of having to survive
Fear of the concept of survival
Fear of the hatred of survival
Fear of the cold heartedness of others
Fear of organized people
Fear of being to influnced by the steady rap music being played at the gym

 

How are these microfears related to my identity ?
They are related into my identity so far that my behaviour and conduct changes based on it, I am pretty sure I am not aware of every role I play, for instance the polite guy, or charming guy etc. Are ideas that are stuck afterwards in my head, did I behave in that manner just now. I just wanted to be me, what is me ? When I fear my identity I fear the fear in me that makes up the identity ? So, they definitely shape the roles I play and my behaviour.


How are my thoughts shaped by fear ?
They are shaped in a negative way, sometimes I curse or sometimes I perceive a lot of sterotypes since people think in that way and I notice it when I do not interact with them and break the sterotype, since I am not sterotypical. So, stereotypes are filled in my thought stream through fear, and I evaluate the situation based on them sometimes, depending on how traditioanl etc. These sterotypes tend to be mostly modern, to even system to post-modern, I prefer the post-modern sterotypes for instance the hippie, yogi, the iconoclast, etc. I am a bit tired.


What am I unwilling to experience ?
I am unwilling to experience these roles fully and show the woundeness that is being played out and therefore not being able to let go a a crippled not full-fleged role.

Edited September 18, 2019 by ValiantSalvatore

[ValiantSalvatore]

And again no real answers.
 

This path is so lonely, Ill want this meditation behaviour change thing to work.

 

[ValiantSalvatore]

Gratitude Journal:

I am thankful that I have taken care of most of things that need planning.
I am thankful for the beautiful weather outside.
I am thankful to work with a kind co-worker.
I am thankful for my workout habit !
I am thankful that I act upon my intentions and wants.

[ValiantSalvatore]

I am back here on this journal for a bit, I am unsure how long I will maintain it and I created a timer of 10 minutes.

The new video definitely helped me to reflect upon my lp and that it basically at this point of understanding its all about putting in the hours and creating the right for me outer circumstances, so I can sit longer and meditate longer to reach sotapanna. Since, this is where the fear of other sort of resides one part of it. I am currently lacking the interest to pursue any knowing and feel as arrogant as ever, because most people dont even come close to understanding anything of it through their own rational, or through their own investigation. Or they do and just talk all day long, I understand more why they say burn the books, yet knowing and intellectualizing sort of lost its appeal to, me the latter yes the former no.

I certainly dont have much to fear here basically, besides step hills and having to walk to the grocery store and lectures etc. There is also nothing that pushes me out of my comfort zone and Ive been doing that with travelling etc. Not was extrem as a friend of mine who goes to activist events and did and does couch surfing etc. I mean its awesome that one does that and I find it inspiring, I want to do this also sometime in my life, when I start my masters, since I fked my chances of going abroad by relying to much on one option.

I definitely want to write in a physical journal, I am also a bit tired of laptop keyboards and my setup with my computer and such. That I definitely want to earn a lot of money was clear to me when I saw what kind of objectives people generally want to accomplish, freedom, love, marriage, girlfriend, boyfriend, family. I dont think the wheel will be reinvented many things seem repetitive now, yet I am unsure what to do with it besides going with cycles and phases inside the cycles. I love autumn its one of my favorite seasons, it feels very warm and melancholic for me and I enjoy how everything is drifting slowly away into christmas eve while, in January and February everyone will bicker about the cold weather.

I definitely want to keep options open for my lp, there are a lot of good and generally not conscious people out there who could need a slap in the face with a stick, or poke em in the eye. Leo`s story about the toy snake he hide and his grandma was hilarious. I feel very similar with my family to some degree on understanding, yet everyone does I want to remind myself of that because I forgot and many people do to that others share the same struggle.

I am not sure what exactly I want to do, I already feel sort of blessed to not have the chance to be reincarnated on this stupid planet infinitely. Who wants to be a human or the same life form over and over again. Is that not boring ?

[ValiantSalvatore]

 

[ValiantSalvatore]

I am feeling a bit depressed recently nothing out of the ordinary just a set back because my arm hurts and I cant lift weights, yet I want to lift muscles, then overall not very good outercircumstances they are fine, yet just good. Is not very good.

I am tired of this word. My meditations like last year there was a time where I was slacking, because for some reason I dont see the value or the reason to do it, especially with so few "awakening" experiences. Reading somehow is boring, watching videos is boring, work is boring. I cant programm what I want because it takes a long time to decode the scales even with a template because there is no one I can ask, and I dont earn any money to have an excuse.

I keep thinking about early retirement and how much family etc. has an importance on health and happiness that its very difficult here to expand my social circle since everything is so small, I cant meet a plethora of people, and its very rare that groups of people break up. I have to deal with the reality that no one will understand me in my depth, even if that is important for relationships the understanding part, from what I read so far in PD books. So, dating wil not be easy when I try it out next year.

I meet more people who are generally happy and enjoy life because I do it more, so there is some reflection in my outer circumstances. Yet, I really want to do something more into the sciences or pragmatic stuff, relating to code. Not decoding scales, I cant really complain it just takes sometime to decode them.

Yet, I am still contemplaing to leave this journal for a while it has been beneficial, yet I dont feel much positivity on this forum, which is what I need right now.

Doing everything online, is definitely sub-optimal.


Gratitude Journal
I am thankful to feel tired so I can sleep.
I am thankful to eat food.
I am thankful that I can go to the doctor.
I am thankful that it rains outside.
I am thankful for people being quite.

[ValiantSalvatore]

Some cool songs I found reminding me of my psychdelic trips.
 

 

 

Edited September 24, 2019 by ValiantSalvatore

[ValiantSalvatore]

The new semester will start pretty soon. I refelected already upon the old semesters and see how I can structure my day more approriately, tomorrow I will go to the doctor to check what happend to my arm.

I will see how much I can do my meditations definitely feel like they are working again now, I will clean up my appartement and shave myself and re-create the most successful structure and then go about it ! I hope I can phrase it like this.

I certainly like the IT people more than any other group of people, Ive meet so far. Engineers are also freaking cool, and other social sciencies especially also. Yet, this is now rather useless and rather a preference.

I will see how well it goes and will keep trying to find a succesful structure I thought about re-taking the lp course I took a lot of notes and keep going through them, the sleeping habit thing is a bit tricky. Yet, I figure it is normal and I accept my current structure and start to see how I can chip away at it with tiny changes and use the 30 minutes positive meditation routine. I am not sure if I wll attend to october retreat.

I will have to finish the report from the internship soon too. I know when the projects have to be finished till next year so I have again a lot of time on my hands. So, I will see how far I can change myself again during that time. I definitely want to keep my outer structure more clean, so I am prompted to work more.

[Bennn]

How has your life gone since starting this Journal> Any improvements?

[ValiantSalvatore]

@Bennn Since I took action on most of the things besides organizational things like re-watching video xyz. Yes, definitely I can steadily check how far I made progress when I write about life cirucmtstances it gives me clear sight on where I am bullshitting myself and where I am taking action, especially online its interesting.

I increased mainly my gains in the gym and created a habit of going to the gym, and I find journaling generally helps me with emotionally expressing and venting, while not hurting particulary anyone, and clarifies my thinking.

Its quite funny how I feel understanding and knowledge are two different things, yet this is mainly for self-understanding. I already journaled 4 years approx. before starting this journal with "real" journals. So, mostly the benefits are for me emotional, understanding myself and my thought process, expressing myself and clear sight upon what can go wrong and what worked.

Its a good tool for refelection, yet I dont use it as Leo intends to use it. I never tried Leos version iirc.

Its also good for testing self-help techniques since you need to write things down very often. Like a gratitude journal, cbt, or shadow work. This is mainly what I did.

So, yes it helps indefinitely,  yet its not a super-ultra life changer, yet it helps to change how I live my life.

Edited September 25, 2019 by ValiantSalvatore

[ValiantSalvatore]

Now I have an inflammation in my arm the doctor send me to an emergency surgeon in case the orthopediest would not have been there. So, he was not there I walked there he looked at it with a sono graphic unit. And I appreciate him for giving me competent and feedback while being interested in the subject and humans themselves, he was amazed by my triceps and I am amazed how long it takes to build a proper body in case you do things wrong. The trial and error process is definitely longer then I expect and I can generally expect this now for all projects, this is safer.

Otherwise I cried again yesterday, I can most likely workout properly again within a week, because I changed my workout regiment, yet the gym here is still suboptimal, I figure running would be the best thing. Still there are some very buff people, yet its really 1% or so.

Therfore, I am unsure how effective my training is cause I am in the semi-buff category. Sometimes I ask myself if I am fooling myself.

Shinzen yesterday talked about his problems and I think I listend to the first time to someone who hit the casual stage and as an INTJ ( she I presume) and she said she felt like a beginner again and she witnessed the dark knight of the soul, yet the flatline version of it. Shinzen talked a bit about his problems and I never thought for instance that he said the firs thing when he wakes up is that he does not want to get out of bed. Like seriously lol ! That is one reason also he did this behaviour change therapy I presume, yet most importantly he sounded like a good old friend of mine who I still very much like, yet he never listened to me. He fked his degree because of this and I dont know what he is currently doing.

I stil wish I had someone more successful then me which is not difficult by any standards in my immediate enviroment, just to be enticed to strive towards something larger than myself.

Peers sure there are enough, yet not family. Friends the small part that I have are more successful than me and I appreciate that a lot.

This will definitely still be a theme for the next year, especially financially. Yet, now my focus will be upon getting my bachelors and applying to universities where I want to do my masters.

[ValiantSalvatore]

I am surely getting lazy with my writing "skills", yet I am hungry and did not drink much, did not sleep enough, did not take any nootropics, did not meditate yet, and I am not using a real journal where I am a bit more careful, since it feels more like a craft. Still, I know its not very good, but fine it has been worse before I started journaling and I notice I think 3-4 steps ahead before I actually write what I want to write, and I have difficulties following my own track of thoughts.

Well well if psychdelic insights are partially true, I could blame a lot of people for not developing me properly. Yet, I take it with a grain of salt and take responsiblity for my life, instead of lamenting about petty stuff. Still, its a bit annoying that Julie Zeh dysotopian books and psycho pass seem so real for me now. That it will be inevitable for the future to not life like this in a Yellow/Green transitioning phase. Yet, this is my imagination having fun partially.

[ValiantSalvatore]

Gratitude journal:

I am thankful for starting to believe more in myself.
I am thankful that other people whish me success instead of failure
I am thankful that I feel more concentration during meditation
I am thankful that I can study
I am thankful that I feel that I reconnect back to something more fundamental, than myself.

[ValiantSalvatore]

My meditations after the retreat have been slacking I mainly attribute this to the new structure I want to adopt while not being to long at the dorm.

I still meditate yet mainly only 25-30 minutes for some reason. I feel more concentrated than ever before. I just feel its either "to much" conscious action or "to much" unconscious action" and this could be a balancing phase, yet I could easily fool myself. Still, there is no real reason besides me being lazy at the moment of not taking more action. It could be something so simple such as, not being able to go to the gym, not cleaning my appartement, not shaving myself. Its insane how much these tiny things impact me somehow.

Gratitude Journal:

I am thankful for the kind surgeon.
I am thankful for rain and enjoying its sound.
I am thankful for guided meditations.
I am thankful that I can do sports in a week again.
I am thankful that I dont feel to much fear at the moment and generally act courageously.

[ValiantSalvatore]

Next week Ill be able to go to the gym, I am in my break now and there is nothing left to do besides I could meditate I sometimes do that because I live close by and so I can just go back home and meditate or join a programm etc.

Even though I feel like I am a poor pig, I feel as good as never before. I certianly have to work on a "chemical" level more now than a psychological one, the supplements the doctor described for me to heal the inflammation are supplements not medicine. I already think that is insane what can be done with health nowadays.

I dont think I will read much this year and put in more work instead, working on projects learning more about productivity and managing my own projects better, using time boxing more efficiently and planning, so the usual logistics for me.

I now know how and what to do for the other two lectures, yet stil I did not receive any feedback from the professors. This year will mainly be about gym,projects, university, discipline etc. So, I can come closer to my LP.

I certainly am doubting it because I did not clarify it specifically and had to do it broadly because my interest range is boradly I know what I dont want, yet I want to focus on what I want. So, I want to check for different universities besides the one id like to go to. I would definitely like to avoid some common traps, like working long hours, and constant repitition.

I dont know why, yet it seems that I raised my popularity level based on the fact that I do a lot more sports, that it is so extremely cultuarlly valued here is insane not speaking about health. Health seems to be the ultimate.

So, what ?

Shinzen Young released his new app, yet I have to pay for it. I could us it next year.

Now a list of struggles I have currently.

- Ordierliness
- Lack of life purpose drive
- Repetition
- (Industriousness)
- Not enough knowledge
- Doubting my own inner understanding
- Lazyness
- Not planning properly currently.
- Feeling drained after taking a lot of action.
- feeling the need of external reward, disliking the dryness of intrinsic rewards.


Now, after I watched 10k videos again. I found one insight how I could induce kriya experiences without practicing kriya I can cleanse my body through fasting only one day a month and meditate a lot during that time. So, 24h fast could facilitate cleansing. This was from some yogi guru who was an absolute cult leader I could not believe it. ( Sarcasm applied)

So, I feel more higher purpouse, I feel more higher learning, yet I am certainly struggling with hormones and knowing how my "vehicle", "robot", "gestalt", "body", "entity" functions, this is fundamental to know how for instance dopamine would impact my behaviour drive, instead of following some methods. I do think this goes deeper, a dopamine fast could be a good idea to make cues more vulnerable to rather smoother pleasureable tasks that take dilligence to accomplish.

Postponing my ideas about enlightenment and knowing what is achievable could be replaced by first building the most stable fundament I can build, that would include, healthy diet, flexible posture, a lot of discipline, right mindset, proper use of time and energy, taking sleep seriously, waking up early, sports, meditation.

I will keep my meditations focused on two 30 minute segements even though I do not like it at all. Hm... I would rather love to do 45minutes and 30 minutes at night or just 15 at night. Yet, I am talking so much about my approaches here, and I sort of cant identifiy with it somehow. I know most strategies to changing behaviour, I just quit to often after applying them. So, how can I not quiet ? A successful attempt with honesty intentions is definitely a great place to be at, yet still why do I quit ?

- To much work
- Mind creating excuses
- Wanting to go back home
- Lack of social interactions
- Video games
- Not getting out of bed
- No routine, no habits.


Creating a bed time routine is more difficult than lifting more than 100 kilograms of weight, why am I and others so self-destructive ? I cant delay rewards very well, I tend to be rather impulsive. Meditation helped with that tremendously, yet I how can I not quit ? Accountability ?

Helps definitely.

Just doing it ?

Helps 100%

Not listening to others.

Helps a gazillion %.

Finding others to work with.

Yes.

Yet, what can I do alone ?

I want to become like Arnold. Yet, I have to work on my accent. I thinks its a phase just go to the gym and fk everything else. The structure is fine. Small tweaks etc. Can be changed sometime else. - I want more knowledge in specific areas. Time is limited. I am not sure what I can even do.
 

 

[ValiantSalvatore]

Gratituide Journal:

I am thankful for time.
I am thankful for enjoying life.
I am thankful to soon get back into the gym.
i am thankful for inspiration.
I am thankful for music and leos new video.


I dont have a rubberband or smth. similar and I dont have an object that could remind me, besides putting a pen in my pocket or so. I certainly am suprised when I go low consciouness how low other peoples consciouness generally is. Still, I feel I matured somehow which makes it a bit odd to find people with common views. The forum is great just as a reminder that I am not alone on this path, and certainly others put in more hours into their work than me.

So, I decided to try even that I know its impossible to live now my "perfect" life as far as I can and enjoy it to the fullest. I will most likely use this journal a lot too, since I need something to express myself, I never thought that I talk so much, when something gets serious.

My laptop will arrive tomorrow, I generally contemplate the seasons besides spring and summer, so I try to take some pondering walks and just wonder, yet I am not sure if I can do the exercise Id have to order a rubberband and I already did not pick up my last order out of pure complacency to not walk down to the post office for 1h to get some stupid parcel.

I was somehow pissed again and shoot myself in the foot. I .. seriously hate the infrastructure of this region, that I tend to forget the meta level.. sometimes.

Yet, all in all alls still good. Yet, its interesting I was about to write nothing changed, yet I am supposed to observe impermanence.

[ValiantSalvatore]

So I do have now some quality feedback towards what it takes to reach stream-entry. 7 years of practice with a retreat once or twice a year and a regular practice so from 7 seconds... to 7 years. 

I heard one guy did it in 5 years with a 90 minute practice. I will most likely go back on the weekend and give my friend his laptop back as well as do the retreat at home from Shinzen Young. So, there will be not much to do on the weekend and I have the mandatory 14 days to reach it even in 7 years of practice. 
 

Here is a different take on the whole spiel. 



Note: read this article.

https://www.fitnessmagazine.com/health/pain-relief/how-to-reduce-inflammation-for-workout-recovery/

Edited September 30, 2019 by ValiantSalvatore